Advice about Residential Treatment Programs
This was a really scary and challenging time for us one year ago. I hope your RTC is heavily involved with the transition planning with a home treatment plan you have worked on together with agreements for expectations, responsibilities and privelidges. The best part of our home treatment plan was agreements we made about scenarios, behaviors and situations that we should be worried about and consider a warning sign for help. I had been involved with Willows in the Wind, a support group for families contemplating or with children in wilderness/RTC while my son was in RTC and as we worked towards his transition home, they were able to assist me with a grant for mentor Conor Powell through Eastgate Mentoring. Willows also recommends Coyote Coast.
Conor was a great match for my son and did a wonderful job, though there are some pitfalls with foisting a mentor on someone who doesn't want one, which was our situation. For us we needed to bridge the gap between a summer with no planned structure until school started and Conor did exactly what we needed to give some structure to some of his days. If your son wants a life coach, that's wonderful he is asking for what he needs
We are now a little more than 1 year post-RTC and things are "good enough".
Good luck to you.
Archived Q&A and Reviews
- Seeking other parents with teens in Residential Treatment Centers
- Residential treatment program for teen with depression
- Your experience with residential treatment centers?
- Residential therapy for adopted (RAD) daughter
- Therapeutic boarding school for angry and violent 13-year-old
- Boarding School with challenging academics for teen w/PTSD and grief/loss
- After care services for teen coming home from RTC?
- Residential treatment for RAD ADHD Oppositional Behavior
- Good boarding school for totally out of control teen
- 13yo relative's drug use, stealing, and cutting
- Looking for residential schools for out-of-control teenage daughter
- Boot camp for 16 year old who is endangering herself?
- My son's friend's mother had him kidnapped and taken to a therapeutic facility - what can I do?
Hi Families of BPN, I'd like to connect with other parents that have or had teens with an emotional disturbance placed in a residential treatment facility. I'm feeling very alone. Please no negative comments as calling this a nightmare would be a welcomed upgrade. Please just support from experienced members. Happy to connect privately, as I know this is a very private matter. Thank you.
I feel your pain... I can remember feeling so alone, overwhelmed and sad. Consider checking out NAMI support group in Albany and support group in Oakland called Willows in the Wind. Both are free, look them up online. I found them helpful and supportive. Shojo
I am literally in the process of getting my son to RT right now, fortunately with the assistance of educational/therapeutic consultant, psychologists, attorney, and insurance specialist. Email me. Karen
Dear Beyond Broken Hearted,
I would be happy to meet with you for a cup of tea. Our daughter just started at a therapeutic boarding school--and staying home was not an option in her case, either. We are hopeful and cautiously realistic; and doing a lot of hard, parallel work of our own. Hopefully responders will use ''wise mind'' and refrain from making disparaging remarks about RTCs when they don't know the details of your situation. Everyone means to be helpful, but blanket statements about any issue on BPN are generally unhelpful in my opinion, but particularly when parents are already feeling emotionally raw.
At any rate, I imagine many other responders will tell you about a great organization called Willows in the Wind that is a support group for parents with kids at various stages of this process (wilderness, RTCs, transition home etc). I've been going for a few months and it's such a relief to be with the only other people in the world who understand what you're going through. Next meeting is this coming Saturday, January 16th--1:00pm to 3:00pm at the Kaiser Oakland SMOB Medical Building 3600 Broadway, Lower Level, Conference Room C. The meetings are free, though a small donation helps keep this parent-initiated group going. You can park in the Kaiser parking lot next to the Medical Building or up the street. If you decide to go, contact one of the founders, I will get in touch with Janet and let her know you can contact me through her. Take a deep breath and take good care of yourself. We're there too.
Hello, I would like to invite you to our support group, Willows in the Wind. Willows is a nonprofit organization dedicated to working with parents with children in residential care or who are considering placement. Our monthly meetings provide parents with an opportunity to learn about treatment options in order to make informed decisions regarding their child's care. This includes in-home intervention, hospitalization, wilderness, residential treatment, or transition/after-care programs. By providing hope and guidance through each stage of treatment, Willows works with parents to provide the resources they need to move forward. Meetings are structured for the concerns of the participants and recognizes the need for family healing. It's a wonderful opportunity to connect with a group of parents on a similar journey.
My 14 year-old is struggling with anxiety and depression. After several hospital stays and now a suicide attempt, I am looking for a residential treatment program. Any recommendations in CA? Seeking help
There is help and information available from the Family Education and Resource Center. See this page: http://www.askferc.org/mental-illness.html There are also support groups and classes available through the National Alliance on Mental Illness. The East Bay chapter's page is here: http://www.nami.org/MSTemplate.cfm?Site=NAMI_East_Bay This is too much to deal with on your own. Reach out for help! RM
Willows in the Wind is a support group for parents who currently have their teens in wilderness, therapeutic boarding school or residential treatment center programs. Each of these settings can be appropriate for a teen needing treatment for depression. It is also a place to learn about these programs if you are seriously considering placing a child. We can share resources with you for educational consultants, appropriate websites and books as well as our personal experiences with programs. Upcoming meetings will be Sunday March 9 in Los Altos and Saturday March 15 in Oakland. Please see our website willowsinthewind.com more more information. I would really like to talk with you before that. Please call me at 650-996-0897 or contact me via email. Robin Sacks
I would like to hear from parents who have had to resort to used residential treatment centers for their teenagers. Hope to get names of the better ones, ones to avoid, and what your experience was an how it helped your troubled teen. Need info soon. Thanks anonymous
I agree with the advice to avoid sending the child away without trying family and individual therapy (sometime just for the parent). You might check on the ones Dr. Phil uses. Avoid Teen Help (or whatever they call themselves today), Cross Creek Manor. Really check out the program that are not in CA. anon
We are in the same place you are and just consulted with David Heckenlively, an MFT/Educational Consultant. 3 different therapists recommended him. We just had our first session and his specialty is matching teens with residential treatment facilities. He also runs a support group for parents when their kids are in residential. His website is www.integratedteen.com 925.681.1700. We felt relieved to meet him. I feel we are in good hands and we will be able to get our son to the right place and the right help. m.
I will concur with another poster. Please, do not send your child to a residential treatment center. I did this with my daughter, with a psychiatrist and educational consultant adamantly saying I should place her immediately. She was in the program for 17 months and the effect was traumatic. My daughter was damaged further at the treatment center, which was very behaviorally based and which blamed her repeatedly. The result? My daughter was not only filled with guilt, she left the center with PTSD and she is now reluctant to seek any mental health treatment. Please, there are therapists who are gifted and who can save your family much agony. I recommend highly Terry Trotter in Albany. Oh that I would have known Terry when my daughter was spiraling out of control. anonymous
We would appreciate any shared experiences with Residential Therapy Centers. Our 16 year old daughter is in a wilderness program currently. I went to Utah to visit a few schools, one was nice, one didn't have the ''right'' feel about it and the last was creepy. We would like to compare a couple more before making the commitment.
Our daughter is struggling with adoption related issues that have affected her ability to properly manage relationships, set appropriate boundaries and have caused very low self esteem. No substance use.
We had an Ed. Consultant for the wilderness placement but felt under supported so are managing this next step on our own. If you have had good or bad experiences at an RTC we would really appreciate if you would share your experiences. Mom of adopted teen daughter
First I offer you my compassion. I adopted two girls, one domestically and one from China. Both are now young adults. My oldest also had a lot of difficulty in her teen years. RAD was discussed by one therapist, PTSD by another, Severe Clinical Depression always, and Bipolar Disorder as well. It turns out all of the above were wrong. She has Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder- not the full syndrome as she does not have the facial characteristics. Gotta tell you that RAD is one of the diagnoses that is used in error for young people who were exposed inutero to alcohol. I mention this to you, as the diagnosis is crucial and the treatment is very, very different. The behavioral programs of residential treatment centers and therapeutic boarding school are contraindicated ! for children with FASD- won't work and your kid will only get blamed for what is brain based behavior.
I used Molly Baron. It turned out that she was on the board of the therapeutic boarding school my daughter went to. Molly had a conflict of interest because she represented the school that my daughter went to and when it came down to it, Molly represented the school, not my daughter. I was not the only parent who ended up in this situation. She never disclosed her dual relationship to me. And, I spoke with more than one consultant; they all recommended the same group of programs.
A lot of programs do not have well thought out transition programs. Kids go from the tight structure of program back to home and many fall apart. I have kept touch with graduates of my daughter's program. The number of girls who become pregnant, into drugs again, .... is astounding post graduation.
If I had it to do all over again, I would send my daughter to Second Nature for a wilderness program and then home to a therapist in Albany, Terry Trotter. Terry is skilled beyond what I have seen in any other clinician and I have had experience both professionally over 30 years and with my daughter. If you can keep your daughter at home via Terry's help, do so! My daughter was hurt greatly by the therapeutic program she was in- filled with guilt, traumatized, her disability left untreated, and unprepared for life after program. Issues of abandonment were only exacerbated as well. Caveat Emptor. anonymous
are you sure you need a residential therapy center and not a therapeutic boarding school? they are very different and i did not know that until i found myself in a similar situation to yours. my heart goes out to you in this journey--it isn't easy to make the decision to send your child away for his/her best benefit. our family went through a similar process with our teen and i did more research for this ''project'' than i did my graduate school thesis. and still, we needed an educational consultant. you did not say who you used, but there is a range of skill/talent out there. we have benefited from working with David Heckenlively at Integrated Teen Services. he's in walnut creek--far for us, but it has been worth the drive for the holistic and individualized approach he takes. best of luck to you. anonymous
I know what you are going through. First, we had a GREAT Ed. Conslt. Molly Baron in SF @Mallory, Mclure & Baron. I highly recommend her. We have had to handle several difficult situations and Molly has been a lifeline. She is very involved. My child is at a Utah RTC, Island View and seems to be doing well. The staff is very professional and my interactions with them have been good across the board - from getting ins. coverage to therapy. No adoption issues. Island View also has an adoption program, but I don't know the quality of the program or if it would be a good fit for your daughter. A friend does have very serious adoption issues with her daughter and Molly recom'd a place - Unitah? - in Utah that specializes in adoption issues and sounds wonderful. Note that the RTC's will negotiate the fee by quite a bit, so don't foreclose a facility due to the fee. Tell them what you can afford and see what happens. My sense is that in this ecconomy the places are not full. Just be careful. Some places look great, but are not. That is were the Ed. Conslt. makes such a difference. Let me know if I can give you anymore info that would be helpful. Optimistic Mom
Our adopted son is at Sorenson School http://www.sorensonsranch.com/.
We also made the rounds and ended up choosing Sorenson because they had horse therapy, a wood working program, and it wasn't a locked facility. They also have a large adopted population and they have experience dealing with RAD issues.
He has only been there for three months and it's been hard not having him around. The school is tough but fair and academically, he is doing better than he ever did when he was at home.
He still has a long ways to go. In fact, as a family, we all have a long way to go. However, it seems that for right now, this is the best place for him. Best, Mark
I am not sure what your financial situation is, but as we know residential treatment is very expensive I want to make sure you are aware of the adoption assistance program (AAP).
If your adoption was a ''public adoption'' you definately qualify.Some private adoptions also qualify. Here is the language about who qualifies in California:
In order to be eligible for State-funded adoption assistance a child must be the subject of an agency adoption and one of the following circumstances applies:
Under the supervision of the County Welfare Department (CWD) as the ward of a legal guardianship or as a juvenile court dependent or Relinquished to a licensed California private or public adoption agency or to another public agency operating a Title IV-E program on behalf of the State, and would otherwise have been at risk of dependency as certified by the CWD or Committed to the care of California Department of Social Services (CDSS) or a licensed private or public adoption agency pursuant to Family Code section 8805 or 8918 (failed adoptive placements).
If your child qualifies AAP should be paying for whatever program you choose. I am a former adoptions social worker and have several friends who have adopted children that have been placed in residential care. AAP has payed for the programs. So do not accept ''NO'' as an answer from them if your child qualifies based on what agency the child came through. Remember, your income is NOT a factor in determining if you qualify for AAP.You would contact the agency you went through for the adoption to find out about AAP. the I know what you are going through is really difficult. I have an adopted daughter who gave me a run for my money and know many parents in your situation. Take Care of yourself the best you can during this stressful time. r
My daughter is coming home in December from an RTC program in Utah. Does anyone know of after care services/groups they can recommend? She's been gone for 18 months and does not want to go back to her high school so we are also looking for another public school without much luck. I'd love to hear from parents who have been in this situation with their child.
I do have experience with the issues you raised. Here are some suggestions. There is an organization, in Orinda I think, called Coytote Coast that specializes in working with teens who are returning from programs or who ar struggling at home. Give them a call and see what services they can provide for your daughter and your family.
I know an excellent therapist in Albany. Excellent is not the word; she is remarkable. The therapist's name is Terry Trotter. I recommend her highly as someone for your daughter. Where did your daughter go to school before she entered a RTC? I must admit that I have qualms about a teen going directly from a RTC to a large, public school. I would rather, if possible, for a teen in the above circumstances, to go to a small school, where she will have more support. If this is not possible, do make sure that your daughter has a contact person assigned to her at her new school. Also, will your daughter be in special education?
I recommend a mentor, perhaps a college student, for your daughter. Good luck anonymous
I need help finding residential treatment away from the Bay Area for my 16 year old adopted daughter. I am certain she has Reactive Attachment Disorder along with her ADHD. She cannot live with me due to several violent episodes which have left me with permanent scars and the physical and verbal abuse of her younger brother. She was living with her father (we have been divorced for 5 plus years) but he has asked her to leave within a few months due her running away and unwillingness to adhere to any house rules. Her grades are not passing and she has fallen in with other students with multiple issues. She loves animals and I am interested in sending her to a Camp which includes equine therapy. Has anyone had any success with this approach? The camps are quite expensive and I want to make sure they would be effective. Any constructive feedback or references greatly appreciated. Anon
I can sympathize with you right now. I went through the same thing about 9 months ago with my 16 year old son. He was spiraling out of control, dropped out of school, and was running away anytime I put a restriction on him. This Wednesday he is coming home for the first time in nine months a changed young man! I sent him to SUWS wilderness program in Idaho for one month which he still thanks me for to this day. It made a complete turn around for him. He cried when we left the desert after his graduation. From there he went on to boarding school at Aspen Ranch in Utah. This is where all the things he learned in the wilderness program sunk in and became a part of him. I took a great deal of time researching schools and I even flew up to Utah to look at different programs first hand before I sent my son there. Yes, there are some bad programs so take your time choosing one. It has changed his life and I am happy to say that he is coming home as the son I always knew he could be! I can't say enough good things about the programs! They also retrain the parents on how to better parent your child, it is not all about changing them so be ready for some intense, hard, life altering work, many trips to Utah for parent workshops which were very valuable! Also this is not cheap, I spent everything I had saved for my son's collage and my own savings, even selling some of my personal things for him to stay there. But he wasn't even going to graduate high school on the path he was choosing let alone collage. I am a single mom of 3. But I could never live with myself knowing that I had spent more money on cars in my life than I was willing to spend on saving my child. They deal with all types of issues there, adoption issues, oppositional defiance, drug use, and so on. This program is for kids who are inherently good but are making bad choices. Feel free to email me if you have more questions. Good Luck!
My heart goes out to you. I have a daughter who is now in her 20's who also needed residential treatment. I recommend Heritage School in Utah (Provo). The program is highly therapeutic with well trained clinical staff and on site psychiatrists. Your daughter's therapist will work with her intensively and with the family. Your child's therapist will be her team leader, an important fact, as some schools are so behavioral that the therapist plays second fiddle to behavior modification/ boot camp rules. Not at all what you want. The school at Heritage is also good and they do have equine therapy. Give them a call.... you will find the staff very kind. Finally, caveat emptor, many programs are not safe, based on boot camp like experiences, focus only on behavior, not clinical issues, have staff that is not clinically trained, and require your child to stay 2 years. Also, not what you want.
Finally, Montana Academy is a very good program. Check it out. By the way, you might be able to obtain public funding for Heritage School, ask the admissions staff. It is a certified Non-public school for the state of California. anonymous
Call Virginia Keeler-Wolf in Oakland. She is one of a group of therapists who are specifically trained to work with RAD. There are only a few such therapists in the Bay Area. She is also knowledgeable about residential treatment. A friend worked with her and his son was successfully place in residential for over a year and is now ready to come home. Our family worked with her for several years, and she is very insightful and knowlegeable. One of her partners, Laura Soble, has worked in equine therapy. Mom
A friend of mine has a teen who is totally out of control and none of their intervention seems to help. The mom wants to look into boarding school as an option but doesn't want one of those 'bad' boarding schools you hear about where kids are made to do extreme activity or something. Does anyone know of or have experience with a good boarding school that you could recommend? jen
When we needed to send our son away, we had no idea where to start. There must be thousands of boarding schools and programs out there. Some are definitely better than others, and some are better for particular kids.
Fortunately [well, it did NOT seem so fortunate at the time], we tried and my son flunked a local rehab program, and the psychiatrist there referred us to an educational consultant, Bodin Associates [in Lafayette and Los Altos]. They were able to recommend a therapeutic wilderness program and then a boarding school, both really right for our son.
We really needed the support, the assurance that these folks had visited and knew the places they suggested, a reasonable number of safe places to look at [they suggested 8 places, and we discussed 3 more we heard about], and the practical input they had at certain points. I can't imagine how to approach finding a boarding school without some kind of guidance like this. It would be a total crap shoot.
The internet is cool, but -- too many choices, too little info relevant to a particular kid or a particular place.
There was a time the cost of the consultant would have knocked me over, but [a] that is nothing compared to the cost of a boarding school, and [b] much more importantly, our son ended up where he needed to be, and is doing well after 14 months, and he has been safe and supported and challenged -- and also, at his particular school, he got sober plus had fun. And he's graduating next month!
Best to families in this situation. a mom
We have a troubled relative who is 13, and out of control. Her immediate family is from out of the country and is not equipped to deal with her current problems, which range from drug use and stealing to dangerous boyfriends and cutting herself, and regularly disappearing. We have already called the police and Child Protective Services, there is not much they say they can do at this point -- and we want to see if we can find a safe place for her to be contained, such as a boarding school that would be affordable and effective for us. Please let us know if you know of any schools, camps, programs, or even group homes that would be a good option for us (she has MediCal, and her mother is on Disability). Many thanks for your help.
my advice the the family with the ''out of control teen'' is to look on line for therapeutic boarding schools. ''The ASpen group'' is a great network of schools for troubled kids. My son went to Stone Mountain school for boys. It helped him a lot. They have a school for girls in Arizona i think. Good luck. mom of troubled kid
To the relative of a troubled teen: Understandably, if her parents are from another country, it would be difficult for them to deal with the cultural and social pressures on teens here. I strongly recommend Berkeley Youth Alternatives. They can help the parents as well as the teen and even offer a temporary live-in facility for teen run-aways while they are in counseling with family. I went there as a teen myself and it changed my life. Of course, that was 30 years ago. I'm sure much has changed! Good luck. http://www.byaonline.org/BYA_CounselingCenter.html
former troubled youth
My husband's 16 yr. old daughter has gotten so out of control - both living with us as well as with her mother - that we are considering trying boarding school or an alternative living situation to see if she can get back on track. A wonderful posting put it so eloquently when the writer said we ''might begin by considering whether our problematic children are really the canaries in the coal mine of our toxic society.'' Considering this, we hope that a change in her environment might at least give her a different perspective of what is important. If anyone has any information on these types of facilities, we would greatly appreciate any feedback.
I am a family therapist who has treated teens who are making life difficult for themselves and everyone around them. You do not mention in your letter if she or your family has sought treatment. It is important to have a clear idea of what is causing the behavior before making the change. Kids are also the canaries in the cages of their families, and their acting out often demonstrates the affects of what's gone on around them over which they may feel they have no control. Some express this in extreme ways that may include drugs or alcohol, sexual acting out, stealing, cutting and the development of eating disorders. In other cases, there is an emotional problem that's been quietly developing which surfaces during stressful times, such as depression, anxiety disorders or more serious mental illness. Since bad behavior is the cover up for all of these precursors, it is important that a professional evaluate the child so that even if the decision is to send her away there can be adequate treatment and/or medication to deal with a more severe condition. If there is not a pattern of open communication in the family with either parent there is more chance that the child will continue to act out. A family therapist can explore ways of getting family members to open up and speak with each other about difficult subjects. Often things can change once this happens. Get the help you need so that all of you can begin to feel better. Cynthia
I posted above about my serious concerns about the industry that has grown around ''troubled teens''. I don't want to beat a dead horse but while the responses of people who've had success with these programs are not to be dismissed, their success seems more a matter of luck and that their teens are among the very few for whom these programs (minus the stripping of all constiutional rights, including the right to make a complaint of abuse, may MAJOR concern about most of these places. Abuses of the most horrendous sort, especially in states like Utah, ''the fraud capital of the world'' according to Forbes, have happened and have been covered up. These programs bring in a large amount of revenue for their states and the large corp. owners of these schools donate A LOT of money to Utah. Montana and Missouri are among others that are known for similar egregious problems. There is no need for the kind of secrecy, extreme deprivation and shut off from the world that these programs (the bad ones) require. The cost of the programs, nor the slickness of the brochures should not fool anyone to believe that they represent the quality of the program. I have a brochure in front of me that baldly lies that they have a child and adolescent psychiatrist, (actually implying a Team of psychiatrist), where in fact there are NO psychiatrists.
Intelligent people from the bay are have sent their kids to these places and have have severe regrets. Their stories are out there to read in many places. I just pray that anyone who decides to send their child away, a) consider all other options before resorting to this drastic option and b) have not only been to the site but checked on the credentials of the owner, corporate ownership, therapist, psychiatrist etc... Adults, know in their 30's who were among the first to attend these places, including someone I know, often suffer from PTSD as a result and have never recovered.
I do believe that sometimes a break between parent/teen for both can be good. IF it can be done in a regular boarding school, through relatives or friends I believe that to be better. I seriously doubt that any real ''therapy'' happens at these places except for a very small minority. I will say that Anastazi, a wilderness program, is one of the few based on principles of love and works with the family in a healthy way.
I have a disorganized blog on the matter at http://www.troubledteenindustry.blogspot.com. I hope to have it in place as a very informative website soon. I the meantime just scroll through and I'm sure you'll find some good info there.
I have read hundreds of nightmarish stories and only a few good ones. I am trying to do my best to stop anymore kids from going through these (often) permanently damaging ordeals at the tremendous expense of their families, often with the effect of alienating a child from their family for good. There is no evidence of their efficacy, only the anecdote here and there. The tremendous bulk of evidence points in the opposite direction. AND every major psychological authority - NIMH, American Association of Child and Family Psychiatrists, , American Psychiatric Association, American Psychological Association, American Association of Nurses along with all the states in which these places can't exist (like California) because they operate without the standard rules we have in place to protect children from abuse and protect their basic rights.
Unfortunately, I sign this anonymously because there are educational consultants and people associated with these programs who can be VERY AGGRESSIVE AND INORDINATELY DEFENSIVE when criticized. I have already been harrassed to the degree that I've exposed myself personally. anon
Since this newsletter has carried discussions about residential schools in the past, I thought readers might be interested in an article that appeared in the New York Times May 9, 2003.
Here is the abstract; the full article (and it is long) can be purchased from the NY Times - info is on this page:
Parents, Shopping for Discipline, Turn to Harsh Programs Abroad By TIM WEINER (NYT) 2654 words Late Edition - Final , Section A , Page 1 , Column 1 ABSTRACT - Behavior-modification programs and boarding schools for troubled youths that have faced legal and licensing challenges in United States are moving abroad, where they operate largely free of regulation; some are said to employ minimum-wage custodians more than teachers or therapists; about 2,200 youths are thought to attend 11 affiliated programs in Mexico, Costa Rica and Jamaica run by businessmen based in Utah under banner World Wide Assn of Specialty Programs and Schools; local governments and State Dept officials have investigated these programs in Mexico, Czech Republic and Samoa on charges of physical abuse and immigration violations; some have been closed; many parents and youths say behavior-management system of discipline and punishment scares youths into sobriety and obedience; others say programs profit from struggling parents unable to handle their depressed, delinquent, defiant or drug-abusing children; profit margins and growth within programs appear solid.
I am in the process of looking for a boarding school for my out-of-control teenage daughter. I need something that addresses both emotional growth and academic growth. I don't want a lock-down situation, but hopefully something that's isolated enough that it accomplishes the same purpose. Things have gotten continually worse in the last month and her grades have plumetted. Does anyone have any experience with such schools or know a good source of information? (Yes, we've been in counseling each of us individually and also as a family.) Anonymous
I recently did a massive search for residential schools that included a therapeutic/growth model, both in California and out-of-state. A good place to start learning about the options is a website called the Woodbury Report: http://www.strugglingteens.com/ It has schools divided into same sex, co-ed, behavioral/conduct issues, psychiatric and wilderness programs. Keep breathing and Good Luck. Rosa
My best friend has a 16 year old daughter in real trouble. Over the past couple of years she has become increasingly unmanageable. She has developed a drinking problem, become depressed, and become extremely sexually active with adult males. The other night she was found by the police on a remote canyon road with an adult in a very compromising position. This just isn't safe. My friend has tried all the home-based solutions, the girl is in counseling, has had all rights and privileges revoked or monitored. This is just a very painful situation for all concerned.
My question is this. Does anyone have any experience with those boot camps you hear about? It is my friends opinion that he needs to get her away from the area and from the friends she has developed and start on a new path. If this child's path isn't changed soon - she will suffer some horrible result. Anonymous
So sorry to hear about that girl's situation. I have a friend whose daughter sounded a lot like the girl you wrote about. She's really in trouble. This girl had similar stuff going on and then she took up with a group of older biker guys in San Francisco. These people essentially whisked her away and sent her to what they refer to as a convent in Italy. [the mom's a Catholic school teacher] The girl was there a year. Five years out she's living at home, doing well, attending community college. Tell your friends to get that girl the hell out of here. If they're interested in more details about convent the newsletter coordinator can contact me. Hopefully someone else on this newsletter knows about someplace closer!
We have close friends who placed their teenaged son in a residential program in Oregon for about 2 years. If the original poster would like, I will try to put her in contact with them.
I'd be happy to talk to you or your friend about this. I have researched some of the residential treatment programs, and found one in Utah that saved my daughter's life. I'd say your friend's daughter needs help fast.
This girl is in crisis, as is her family. She needs to be protected from herself and from her friends who encourage this behavior. I haven't any experience with the boot camps but it certainly sounds like a necessity in this case. (My teen's situation isn't as dire but I am in the process of nipping similar behaviors in the bud.) I am learning that there are many types of schools with varying degrees of restrictiveness. First, I would suggest that he get a psychiatric diagnosis of his daughter to determine if there are psychological problems. He might also want to do educational/psychological testing. After getting all that, he can start researching the schools (since there are so many out there, hiring an educational consultant might be helpful).
As a parent of an out-of-control teen, I can strongly recommend Tough Love International, a self-help group for parents of teens who have behaviors that cause parents deep concern. This group is simply excellent and the concepts it uses work. I have been attending a local chapter of this group for 5 weeks and have found it a lifesaver. It doesn't provide an instant cure to your problems, but you gradually collect skills and tools which are priceless. See their website at: toughlove.org Good luck!
I just wish to communicate my utmost sympathy to the family of the 16-year old girl. It is extremely painful to see a beloved child go through such turmoil. Foremost, this 16 yr.-old girl needs 24 hour supervision. This may require pulling her from public school into a private school that will work intimately with the parents to oversee her while in school. One of the parents needs to drop her off at school, escort her into the school, pick her up after school, and supervise her 100% of the time outside of school. The whole family needs to get into counseling right away. She most likely also needs individual counseling. Try to get her involved in a youth group (Christian or any other solid group) where she can meet peers who may or may not have gone through similar experiences, and who can relate to her. This is a matter of life and death for her. She will need 100% time and emotional commitment from her parents until she is safely through it all. She most likely was not born with the tendencies to behave in this manner, and a deep exploration of the causes of her behavior is crucial. Best wishes, much love to this young person and her family.
To the person looking for help for an out of control teen: We have friends who sent their son to the Hyde (spelling?) School in Maine. There is an additional campus elsewhere on the East coast. It has been an incredible experience for their son. The school is not a teen bootcamp. It is a school with firm values around strong academics in a therapeutic environment. This opportunity has really been powerful for both the boy and the family. I just phoned them for information, but the family is currently away at Family Weekend at Hyde. Call me and I will get further information and/or put you in touch with the (local Berkeley) family.
I was a bored, gifted 'out of control' teenaged girl nearly 30 years ago: sexually active from 15 (though used effective contraception every time); some tobacco, pot and acid use; much confrontation with parents, especially authoritarian father. Kept my grades up the whole time. My parents' felt desperate, that choices were boarding school, detention center (as 'inccorrigible'), and psychiatric hospital. They chose the latter, and it took me 20 years to get over that decision. Really. I caution you to be very careful about your decision. I've read horrible things about those boot camps.
Is your daughter gifted and bored? Send her to a rigorous single sex boarding school (though boarding school leaves lots of room for drug use and sexual experimentation, too, check it out carefully). If you think your daughter has fundamentally good values at base, try some kind of away summer program, maybe some teen outdoors adventure program (do you want her to behave healthier, or to punish her - something to consider). It will give you a break from each other, which is what I really felt my parents were after (despite all kinds of acting out behavior, it wasn't until I said f-you to my mother that I found myself literally taken off the street and deposited in an old fashioned state psych hospital, ah, the good old days). I think an Outward Bound program would have been good for me (though I may have hated it), boarding school, or even a group home. They went for the thing they could get the fastest.
I do feel it's important to intervene: though I've been successful academically and done lots of interesting things in many countries, I believe I missed some fundamental lessons during adolescence that affect me even still. Just be very careful what you choose; punitive solutions may have repercussions that you all may not recover from. anonymous
Based on the problems you described with your friend's daughter, I myself would have been considered an out of control teenager. Drinking, drug-consumption, various risky/dangerous behavior, sexual and otherwise, were all part of my very independent life. Basically I was very bored, very nihilistic and liked experimentation. (Like dropping acid every day for 33 days at noon.... go figure.) I might have differed from your friend's daughter in that I was very self-aware, was very philosophical about my behavior, and I was smart/clever enough never to be caught doing anything illegal.
My parents were rather oblivious, and nobody in my immediate family was really pressuring me to change or conform. I did well in school and kept my private life to myself. However, I sensed what was happening was leading to a bad outcome and I decided to save myself....
At age 15, I bought a round-trip ticket to Paris. I had been corresponding with a French pen pal for several years and arranged to stay with him and his family in a small town outside of Paris. Needless to say, the host parents were rather wide-eyed when I walked off the plane in my lipstick, halter and sandals!
During this time, I underwent a rather dramatic transformation. In short, I cleansed and processed my personal history. Being away from my usual destructive environment really changed the way I saw myself. I quit shaving and wearing make-up, for example. I didn't drink hard liquor and quit smoking cigarettes. It's not that I suddenly became straight and narrow. What happened was much subtler: I basically had a chance to collect myself, refine my thinking and make new impressions on myself. I continued to lead a very independent life, perhaps even more so than before, but I was more mature and self-aware about my behavior and the responsibilties and consequences of independence.
The idea of juvenile boot camp makes me cringe. A 15 year old person who is making bad judgements needs to find a path that makes sense _according to their own world view_, limited as it may be. Conformity is not a real long-term solution, IMHO. Learning how to take responsibility for one's actions, in terms that are self-generated, seems infinitely more dynamic and effective. Such solutions are the product of a developing conscience, and that seems to be what it's really all about.
Hope this story is of some use. Best wishes, Claire
I'd like to echo Claire's story and thoughts on boot camps (from last week) for wayward teens. I too was in trouble as a teen: depressed, on drugs, drinking, having risky sex with risky men, and very angry about the family and world I saw around me. Being sent to a boot camp wouldn't have made me toe the line; it would have made me crazy with anger and probably would have made it even harder for me to develop a solid foundation. What helped me was having a few insightful adults around (they were rare, as we were in a very rural area), who recognized a few good seeds in my psyche and nurtured them, by telling me I was sensitive, I was smart, I had talents, etc. That set me on the difficult path to breaking free of old habits and friends, developing some goals and focus, and starting to get my life together. Looking back on it now, I don't think of myself as a bad or even out-of-control teen: I think I was a smart, sensitive, lonely kid in a very difficult family and social situation (small town). I see teen-agers who look like trouble today and my heart goes out to them.
The preponderance of responses to this request for advice that seem to be coming from people who see themselves in the picture of this troubled teenager compels me to respond. Obviously, some, in fact many, out-of-control teens find a path for themselves that leads them out of danger and, in these cases, on to become parents of teens themselves. These people write telling us passionately how boot camps would not have worked for them and may be inhumane. But I think we should acknowledge that not all despondent, rebellious, self-destructive teens come out of this phase of their lives as well and that those who don't represent voices we are not likely to hear on this e-mail list.
So I will relate the story of my older sister who had three sons (large blended family) who went through very, very difficult periods when they were teens--alcohol, drugs, depression, crime, anti-social behavior, etc. She agonized over the decision that this parent is now agonizing over: should I consider an act that I find repugnant because it may be the only thing that will save my child? In two of the three cases, she ended up concluding that some kind of forced removal from the immediate scene was what the child needed. In one case, the child had to be decieved about what was happening in order to take physical custody of him. It was awful and at least as traumatic for the parents as for the son, who was too stoned to know what was going on. I'll cut to the chase. One of these two boys has ended up just fine. As a result of the program he went completely clean and sober (more than 15 years now), has subsequently married and is a loving and responsible parent. The second also substantially changed his behavior and was pretty much ok for 5 or 6 years, until he had a very tragic run-in with a firearm and is now in prison. Interestingly, after he completed the boot camp program, not only was he not angry with his parents, but rather he thanked them for caring enough to do such a difficult thing. Just to complete the tale, I will say that the third troubled son, who did not go into a program, came out OK as well; that her two other children never got into any trouble whatsoever and went to college, pursued careers, and had families as she had expected all five would; and that the entire family has been very close and supportive of one another, despite their very different paths, for many years.
There are two points here. One is that it is very, very difficult to understand why children get derailed or what pulls them out of it. The second is that horrific as these boot camps may seem to some of us, we need to remember that they are probably right for some kids. In this case, I believe they saved one kid and helped another. I would implore this heartbroken mother to listen, listen, listen to her child and her heart.
A few years ago I faced the decision of what to do with my very much out of control teen aged daughter (who up until 10th grade was a straight A student). I took her to a theraputic community out of the country. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my whole entire life. The desicion was agony, but I was sure my daughter's life was in danger. After I left her there I went through her things and found her beautiful down jacket full of cement glue. It also had a tear in the back from where someone tried to knife her. During a visit as we were lying in the dark falling asleep she said to me mom, I've had guns put to my head and knives to my throat...you probably saved my life.
I've had doubts. I'll never be totally sure if I did the right thing if I should have kept her here and let her work things out. She was angry at me after she left the place for a while and her life has not been easy and clear cut since, though not bad like it was before. I do know one thing though. She's alive to make it better.
I'm in the role of the other adult for one of my son's life-long friends and am wondering if anyone has any advice that could truly help this kid now because I think by the time he can legally separate from his mother his life will be such a mess that it'll be very unlikely he'll be able to set it right.
My son's friend was adopted as an infant and his very sweet foster dad died suddenly when he was about four. Since he was about five his mother has repeatedly told him (typically in a frenzied scream) what an awful and useless person he is. I've been a witness to these sessions, and while in recent years he's also been less than an angel in them, for a long time he simply took the abuse. She told me once about how she'd been raised this way and how awful it had been, but of course such patterns tend to repeat despite such awareness. Now, at 15, he seems hell-bent to prove her right and has totally destroyed his chances to succeed in school.
The mother's solution has been to send him away to boarding school both during the school year and the summer. All the other parents around this situation agree that this is the best thing for him because it gets him out of her house, but he's now refusing to go because he wants to stay near his friends, who are for the most part good kids & decent students. Several of us parents have talked to him and suggested that he'd be best off just going to boarding school and focusing on pulling his life together, but he's steadfast in the opinion that he can turn it around here. I think he's fooling himself and have told him so. So far as I know, none of us have confronted the mother directly because we're all pretty scared of her ourselves, although recent events have some of us now chomping at the bit for the opportunity to lay into her.
The other morning at 5:30 she had him kidnapped by two huge guys (according to the kid who was spending the night and was picked up out of his bed and deposited outside) to Idaho for a wilderness experience camp for wayward kids. I can imagine the approach taken... He will then be transported to the boarding school in Maine that he was sent to this summer with the (now broken) promise that he'd be allowed to attend a local private school this year. The whole idea of having your own kid kidnapped out of his bed by a couple of thugs is repulsive to begin with, and yet I do think in the end that he's best off as far away from her as possible. So the question is, what do people think I should do? Let it lie, finally confront the mother (although I can't imagine she'd really listen), do the Dear Abby solution and send her this letter, what?
Thanks in advance to all. - a Dad
Parents having their children kidnapped is not uncommon - it's increasingly used as a way for parents to deal with children who have become a behavior problem in one way or another. Maybe the kid is destructive and dangerous, or maybe he just disobeys overly-strict parents and they don't want to deal with him.
There is a whole cottage industry surrounding the treatment facilities the kids are taken to. They are usually sent off to camps or schools where they receive intensive therapy or live under very strict conditions that are basically like being in prison. Sort of a new twist on sending problem children to military school. Look in the back of a magazine like Sunset that is targeted to older, upper-middle-class people and you will see lots of ads for these camps and schools, under the headings Defiant Teenager? and Teen Help. They even take insurance and offer student loans.
I read several articles in the newspaper about this over the summer. There was a case in the Bay Area of a neighbor who went to court to try to prevent a 16-year-old boy from being shipped off to one of these schools (in Jamaica) against his will. This neighbor was himself a judge, and he claimed that the boy was not a problem, but that his parents were very strict & inflexible and that the boy's only behavior problem was sometimes not obeying his parents' strict rules. This neighbor was ready to have the boy come live with his family. But he lost the case and the boy was sent off to the school. The ruling was that his parents were not harming him and so therefore they have the legal right to make decisions about their child.
Personally I think this kidnapping stuff is bizarre and abusive. The parents must have at least as many problems as the kids, to do something like this.
On the other hand, I know someone who had her teenage son kidnapped and sent off to boarding school in a different state. She said that he was violent, and had had a lot of drug and alcohol problems since early teens. He had made threats of violence against his parents - they were afraid to leave him at home alone and didn't know what else to do. He went to one of these places and apparently drastically improved, grade-wise and attitude-wise and otherwise. He's back now in a regular private school, doing well. So, it just goes to show you that there are all kinds of different ways to look at this, and it is really hard to know what the right thing is.
First ... don't give up on the kid. No matter what happens, just try to find a way to stay in touch with him ... write to him at the boarding school in Maine, if you can. You don't have to have all the answers ... SIMPLY caring, consistently caring, and not bailing out on him WILL make a difference. Even if you don't know how to help, just keep telling him you care and you believe in him. His mother is NOT telling him that (as I hear your email) AND his mother is breaking commitments to him. You have an unspoken commitment to show him that you care; don't give up; model for him an adult who will keep a commitment.
He also has some options. Now that he's out of state, it's more difficult, but if he comes back to California say, for holiday, *he* could take himself down to Social Services and ask to be legally freed from his mother and put into a foster home. To do this for someone under 18 is very difficult and I really don't know what Social Services would say to him. I don't know if they'd try to get him a place to move or try to offer counseling to him and his mom or what. But if he made such a move, on his own, the authorities would have to do something to offer some sort of intervention. Of course, he'd also run the risk of his mother just getting more angry with him, but if he feels things are bad enough, he might be ready to take that risk. He could, at a minimum, receive some free, professional advice.
I want to tell you that my sister never went to high school at all. She was a troubled teen with serious dyslexia which, in the early 60s was not diagnosed (no one knew about it) so teachers always just scolded her for not paying attention. She grew more and more despairing and left school altogether, and at 16,17,18 seemed utterly bent on self-destruction. She worked odd jobs for many years, married, had children ... and then decided that she WOULD be a good role model to her kids, WOULD get a college degree. (She also got a diagnosis of dyslexia, which helped a lot.) It took her many years of remedial work and tutoring before she was ready for serious college work, but ultimately she got her BA with honors and is almost done with her Masters.
Don't give up on your kid's friend. He may pull himself together in one year or in five, but if HE is steadfast in the opinion that he can turn it around then there is still a lot of hope for him.