Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)
Parent Q&A
It sounds like you might benefit from a DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) program. This is a structured course with skills training and then processing work. There are a number of groups in the area. One is DBT Center of Marin (https://dbtmarin.com/), but there are others. It's a time investment, but it involves actual WORK on your part, and it has clinical studies to show that it works. Good luck.
I'm sorry that you've had such a hard time getting effective support despite your best efforts. Unfortunately, I don't have a specific practitioner to recommend that's taking new clients at this time. But, I would encourage you to look for someone well trained in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or dialectic behavioral therapy (DBT). DBT can be considered a ramped up version of CBT. These are the gold standard treatment approaches for significant mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, addiction, etc. Both are evidenced-based treatments based on behavioral science.
CBT and DBT have been a game changer for my young-adult children and me after years of ineffective talk and relational therapy.
Try Dialectic Behavior Therapy classes/programs. The ones I know last about 6 months and involve both parent(s) and child. Clearwater (private) and Kaiser Richmond both have DBT programs for teens. I am a Kaiser patient, but went with my kid to Clearwater because driving to Richmond at night (that's when the program takes place) would be difficult for us.
Archived Q&A and Reviews
May 2007
Can anyone recommend or know about a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)-trained therapy practice in the East Bay, preferably Berkeley/Albany area? Searching
I know a wonderful therapist who practices in Albany on Solano Ave. and specializes in DBT. She is warm, sensitive and intelligent and has many years of experience. She works with individuals using DBT. Her name is Marianne Davis, MFT and her phone number is 510-928-2455. Barbara
DBT Sorry I don't know anyone in the East Bay, however, UCSF has A DBT clinic for adolescents. There may be referrals if you call there as they train therapists in addition to the clinic practice (i understand the clinic is always waitlisted, and the therapists rotate) pp
DBT gave my suicidal daughter the tools to cope with her emotions. It saved her life. I specifically recommend Clearwater Clinic in Oakland.
My child has not had this and I cannot give you specifics, but I can tell you that a close friend's teen daughter who has ADHD, ASD, and Depression did DBT and it was absolutely life changing. She is now a thriving college student living far from home in a place that could be very stressful, and I know her mom would tell you that DBT treatment, more than any other, changed her life.
Our college student daughter has a very similar background, from a high school autism diagnosis to high anxiety/OCD. We paid (too much) for a child and parent DBT class series and it was a disaster - she was so triggered that she refused to go. We lost a lot of money, which added to our stress and frustration.
Our girl's doing much better now - she wants to be social and is deciding for herself what (initially small) steps she wants to take. I think what really made the biggest impact for her was me (her mother) getting therapy and not throwing money at "cures". Wishing you all well.
My 15 year old with ASD and other diagnoses is getting a lot of DBT at their current residential school and it has been a great modality for them. The structure, the focus on regulation, distress tolerance and effective social skills has really started to bear fruit with my kid. They are more aware of their disproportionate responses and noticing how much more successful they are if they stay regulated and try on a different perspective. I think the fact that it is a very concrete modality also works well with a lot of folks on the spectrum. Just this weekend my kid was saying that they now finally get what they need to do to succeed. If your daughter ends up using DBT, I'd recommend getting one of the workbooks and studying it yourself too --- we've found that having the language and skills ourselves has been appreciated by our kid and helped us help them de-escalate some difficult situations.
My 20 yo with ASD started DBT at 15 due to disordered eating and self-harm. We did not know our kid had ASD at the time. Our kid would say that the one on one DBT was very helpful and the courses less so. However, the courses give the language for the various DBT skills and the program required both. Now, our kid is in college and those troubling issues are behind us. They know how to self-regulate and recently took a break from the one on one therapy with their DBT therapist. They no longer have melt-downs, self- harm, disordered eating etc They still are neurodivergent and are learning to be independent. They still have sensory issues but they know how to manage them. I would say DBT, and in particular, the one on one therapy has been transformative for our kid. We paid out of pocket for the courses and therapy (so expensive) and then I was able to get insurance to cover the one on one therapy (by then the courses were over so I don't know if they would have paid). Depending on your insurance you can make the argument for a single case agreement due to the ASD diagnosis and the need for DBT, if they don't have anything in network. It was a huge hassle to get them to pay but definitely worth it given the cost involved.
We did parent/teen DBT group therapy. Our son hated it and dropped out really early. To be fair they had us in a pretherapy group that was awful a d he got really turned off before the modules even started. They tried to kick us out because he refused to participate. We begged them to let us continue without him and it has been really helpful for us. We're done with the modules now but meet with a counselor every other week to get help with ongoing parenting issues. DBT has been really helpful for me which indirectly helps my son. I think that you get out of therapy what you put into it. So it's not going to be a magic fix for your child if she doesn't buy into it.
We did it by Zoom through the Auburn DBT center. They took our insurance. You should call and find out how much it would really cost. And I highly recommend you doing it too. We got a lot out of it and it was helpful to meet regularly with other parents dealing with similar issues. They do separate groups for the teens and parents so people are comfortable opening up.
Good luck!