When & How to Include the Kids in a New Relationship

• When and how to introduce toddler to my significant other
• Physical affection in front of children OK?
• My ex demands I not take our son for overnights with new partner
• Going on vacation with boyfriend + his kids + my kids
• Boyfriend moving in with me and my 3 y.o.?
• How to approach boyfriend sleeping over?
• When is it appropriate tell kids the relationship is serious?
• Wonderful new boyfriend - when can he stay over?

When and how to introduce toddler to my significant other

March 2009

Wondering if single moms who've been there can give me a little advice about introducing my toddler (18 months) to the new man in my life.

I'm a single mom--son's father and I had called it quits before I discovered my pregnancy--we've developed a friendly, supportive co-parenting relationship and share custody. Until a few months ago, we lived as housemates--our son has adjusted pretty well to the two-home situation, though he's got a little separation anxiety/clinginess that he'd never had before when changing from one parent/caregiver to the next.

I would like to spend some casual, daylight-oriented time with my son and the new man in my life--hiking, farmer's market, fairyland, etc. (read: NOT sleepovers). Am I wrong to think my son will take on ''Mommy's friend'' as he's pretty much taken on all the other caring ''extra'' adults in his/my life--happy to see them when they're around but not seeming to expect/rely on them? Will an 18 month old sense that this friend is ''different'' somehow? Is it reasonable for me to try it and see how he reacts, or is it really better to just keep these two parts of my life distinct? Is the timing of this--so close to his dad leaving the house--unfair/unreasonable across the board, or is it really kid-specific (some kids would be fine; some would not)? Thanks for the insight

First of all, I commend you for moving on and taking care of your own needs after the separation, and while having to care for a toddler.

However, I do feel strongly that the anxiety your son is expressing since you and his father separated homes, is a clear sign that right now he needs to be assured that his little world is safe and secure, and that critical care givers will not just go away.

Watching you having a closer bond than with just regular friend/acquaintance could be setting off more anxiety. Bonding with your new/current boyfriend might be a good thing initially, but if he doesn't stay around, he will experience another traumatic separation. I don't mean to judge you as somebody with unstable relationships - don't get me wrong. But from your posting it sounded like a rather new relationship. I would give it some months before your boyfriend spends 'regular' time with your son, and a lot more time (up to a year) before you introduce him as a partner.

Your son's feeling of security should be what drives the decision. Sympathetic

I have experience in this matter, and my suggestion is to move very very slowly. It sounds as if your child is already upset about the changes in your living arrangements so I would wait for this to settle in a bit. I dated several men over time and realized that the best thing to do is wait until you are sure...as sure as one can be...that this person will be in your life for a long while. Otherwise it gets hard on the child to have men that come in and out of his life. This could be especially hard if the child gets attached to someone you are dating and then you break up. I am all for having some type of love life while being a single mom, but I really think the children's needs should always come first (even though it is hard....) Good luck. another single mom

I am a single mom as well, and I separated from my son's father when our child was almost 1. Like yourself, I was reluctant to introduce my son to anyone at first, but at that age he didn't really understand the difference between my boyfriends and my male friends. It wasn't until he was 3 that he started making the connection. Now that he's 5 I am VERY cautious about who I introduce to him. single mom

Short answer: Your child's age works in your favor in general, but it is soon. I've been there and I'd say before any bonding beyond acquaintance occurs, be very careful and do keep these 2 parts mostly separate for at least 6 months while you get to know this person. I'd personally say unless you're going to marry the guy, don't even blend it at all. A breakup would be hard but manageable for you - but for a toddler it means a lot more. I'm probably conservative on this but it really worked best for me at least. Anon

Your son is very young, and he is likely to go along with what you plan without too much questioning, since you establish for him what is ''normal''. But even with an older child, a sensitive approach to establishing new normalcy in the form of a new significant other can work well. My son is twelve and his Dad and I divorced several years ago. When I met someone new I was really concerned about my son's feelings and tried to keep the two guys in my life separate. But circumstances forced their meeting and becoming acquainted, and it has been fine. Really fine. I explained to my son that I had met someone I cared about very much and hoped that it would be OK for them to meet. And we started doing things together. And now my new partner lives with me. My son is fine with this. He can see that I am very happy, my partner is very good with him, and I have tried to change his life as little as possible. I would say that you definitely should introduce the two of them if the relationship is serious. Your son will most likely be very comfortable if you are happy and the man in your life is kind. not as single a mom anymore

I would say wait and keep these areas of your life separate. If you have shared custody, then you probably have time alone that can be with you boyfriend. I think people often underestimate children's senses of security. Your son already has his parents split-up and lives in two different homes. I always try to imagine if I'd like to live in two homes in the same week, and I think most adults would not, but our kids often have to.

When kid's foundations are like this, I believe they need as much attention from their parent as possible. Thus, when it's your time with your son, it should be all about your son. If your boyfriend is there, your attention will be split.

I am not saying to never introduce a new boyfriend to your son. But I'd suggest making sure you are introducing someone that will be a committed and stable part of your lives. Date them for a few years first. Too often, single parents introduce and let their kids get attached to new boyfriends/girlfriends, only to break up. You should be filtering who has influence on your kid and not letting people weave in and out of his life, creating more instability. He's already dealing with enough instability in his little life.

I am speaking from the child's perspective. My parents split and I was introduced to many ''new'' boyfriends. I hated it and I was always jealous of my mom's attention to them. I even lashed out at the boyfriends. My mom and I can talk about it now that I am older and she thinks it was one of the worse parenting moves she ever made. With a kid in split-up household, they need their time with you to be ALL about bonding with ONLY you and them.

Just my humble opinion! Good luck! Former Kid with dating Mom.

Physical affection in front of children OK?

July 2008

Is it wildly inappropriate for physical affection (hand holing/hugging) in front of your children with someone you've only been dating for a few months? I am having a hard time integrating my new man into my life for fear that I will in some way harm my children. T

My ex demands I not take our son for overnights

May 2007

I am a 40 year old single mom and I have a 4 year old son. His father and I share time with him and we split the financial costs associated with his school, clothes, etc. We dated for a few months, split up, got pregnant, became parents. We have both been in his life since birth, have never gone to court, just work out a schedule for him to spend time with each of us which is basically 50-50 with each parent. We are not interested in dating each other or having a physical relationship with each other.

Things have been great until I started seriously dating a man. I am going on 3+ months with a man who I am very much in love with and am in a committed relationship with. I have dated before this man, but have never gotten my son involved because it just didn't feel right. This time it feels right and my son and I spend some nights at my boyfriend's house.

My son's father is furious and demands that I not have my son involved with my relationship for overnights at his house.

I feel like this new man is really a partner. He is supportive and wonderful to me and my son. I know the relationship is new, but it feels very much like it won't end anytime soon. I do not spend all the nights I have with my son over my boyfriend's house but I feel like I have the right to have a relationship and to involve my son as I see fit and that it's natural for me to have my son and boyfriend get to know each other. My son enjoys my guy and is not acting out in any way as a result of this ''change'' to his routine.

His father disagrees but won't agree to discuss it with a counselor and I feel like he's just trying to control my life.

I would like to hear what other SINGLE PARENTS think about my situation. Thanks

Even if this turns out to be a lifetime relationship, it has not yet stood the test of time. Surprises do occur. Wait at least a year to involve your child. Divorced mom

I think that having your son spend a lot of time with a man you've only been with for 3 months seems a bit excessive. I realize that it seems like things are going great and the 3 months feels like forever, but from an outside perspective it doesn't seem like much time at all.

I divorced my daughter's father and have since been married twice. During each period of dating I held off introducing my daughter (who was 6 years old the first time and 12 the second) to my dates until they became serious relationships, and then only introduced her to them as friends for months afterwards. They did not spend the night until things had advanced to the nearly engaged stage. I probably wouldn't even have done that, but extenuating circumstances (boy, that's a whole 'nother post!) intervened.

It's just a lot for kids to deal with. You've got plenty of time away from your son; can't you spend time with your new guy during those times? I knew a woman who would never date after divorce because of her kids, which seemed kind of sad--it suggested to them that if things don't work out, you should never try again. I want to model for my daughter that I can pick up and try again to be happy, and so can she. But on the other hand, you don't want your child to have to cope possibly multiple times with you dating and breaking up and dating and breaking up, and 3 months just doesn't seem like much time to establish that this guy is the one. What's the harm in waiting a bit?

I'm a single mom of a 4.5 y.o. girl, and have been dating a wonderful man for almost 2 years. I thought I took it slowly as far as introducing my child to my new boyfriend goes, but he just reminded me that he was actually introduced to her on our first date (well, of course he was: he picked me up at my parent's house, which is where my daughter and I lived at the time).

Honestly, I think then I waited almost 1 month before starting to have outings together.

As far as sleeping arrangements go, I would never have had my boyfriend sleep over in the beginning because the possibility of my kid waking up and finding us in a compromising position would have been too great. So, we would have him come over after bedtime to watch t.v., but he would leave at about 9:30 p.m. This eventually transitioned (as we became more involved) into him coming over directly after work, having dinner with us, watching t.v. as I put my daughter to bed, and then us staying up later, ''talking''. I waited until my daughter was comfortable with my involvement with him before even entertaining the idea of having him sleep over--which, we decided, was rather uncomfortable for HIM because he isn't used to being woken up at 6:30 a.m.

On an aside, my parents helped to give me some occasional adult- only overnight time. That being said, I dated a few men before this wonderful guy, and honestly, I found that the single men without children couldn't understand my devotion and constant prattle about my own kid. That meant that single dads were much more fair--and fun--game. Also, the date could be considered a 'playdate', if the kids were involved (later dates). I think my bottom line is keep the kid out of the picture as long as possible, as they are most certainly aware of the goings on (i.e., mom has a new person in her life), and sometimes that can be overwhelming for them (what if mommy doesn't love me as much), not to mention the inevitable questions if your child is old enough (is he my new daddy?, are you going to marry him?, how come you spend so much time with him?, etc.)

Dating with a child is tough, don't let anyone tell you different. Parent's Without Partners (org?) helped me get my dating game back on, after a long hiatus post-divorce. Again, IMHO, single (men, for me, a hetero) parents of kids are easier to associate with--and develop relationships with--than single, childless men. That being said, there are a few child-less men who are great, and are available. I wish you the best of luck in this shark-infested dating pool, and my main train of thought: keep your kid out of the picture for as long as possible, for everyone's sake, especially the child's. been there, done that

I am a single Mom with 2 children and am siding with your sons father completely. Yes, you have a right to have a life and a real adult relationship. You also have 50% of your time to pursue that relationship. Good grief - 3 or even 6 months is NOTHING in terms of time - no matter how it feels now. I think it is absolutely fine that you have this man meet your son, get to know him during outings, at dinner ect. ect. but taking your son to sleep over with you at your boy friends house, in my view, IS crossing the line. The relationship is just too new and really, as wonderful as it seems now, in 6 months it may be over and how is your son going to feel then? With kids, just please go slow. Spend the night at his house when your son is at his father's. If you don't end up with this man and your child becomes too attached, it will feel like a divorce when you split - and that is really hard for kids. Sleep over on your own time. Kids First!

I basically agree with you, and although this isn't quite what you said, I think that in this time and place people go a bit too far in ''protecting'' their children from the fact that their parents are sexual beings.

But I think that getting counseling help regarding any disagreement you have with your child's father is for the best if the two of you can't resolve it on your own- you may want to initiate counseling yourself sometime in the future if you are concerned about his behaviour in some significant way. The point of good counseling is not at all for one person to gain control over the other, but for the two people to come to understand each other better and discover ways to meet in the middle.

I'd suggest that you deal with your fear of being controlled by taking some of the initiative around finding a counselor. You can each come up with some names, each ''interview'' prospective counselors on the phone, and keep doing that until you find someone you both feel comfortable with.

Don't look for someone who just supports your point of view around this particular issue, look for someone who is experienced with separated couples with children, who you feel safe to open up to, and who has a creative and open-minded approach to interpersonal problem solving. Anon

i am a single mom of a 31/2 year old. i feel your pain around trying to balance your dating life with your role as a parent. i met someone last year, and was convinced that they were 'the one' (and at 35, i had enough dating experience to know, i thought). i brought my son for sleepovers, we all hung out together, my son got attached. and then we broke up. i am exceedlingly lucky that i happened to choose someone who still wanted to be in my son's life, and they still see each other regularly. however, i would never, ever put him in that situation again. how we as adults are in relationships sets the pace for our children's attachments, intimacy and relationship patterns as adults. in my dating since, i have made it very clear that no one i am dating will meet my son unless we are at the point where we are ready to move in/get married. you are lucky that you share custody and have so much free time in which to date. the danger in terms of your son's emotional health is not while you are dating, it is what will happen if you break up. is this person someone who would continue to be in your son's life even if you weren't together? would you want him to be? given all that, it is also hard to separate other issues--like maybe your ex is afraid that this new man will replace him, and you need to have a conversation with him about that, or maybe he has genuine, well-founded fears about your son getting attached to someone who might not be around. hard to say. i wish you all the best. single mama

Been there, single mom, trying to date. I haven't met a (the?) man I'd want to marry or be with long-term, so I've made do with an altered but actually good part-time relationship. I totally understand the need to date and I've looked around and have seen blended families... those are made up of people who felt - I think rightfully - entitled to happiness and who met the right person. It's a good sign that your son seems to be adjusting.

BUT (you knew there'd be a but!) three months is such a short time. He may be everything you think he is, but would it hurt to let a year go by before getting your son accustomed to and maybe loving this father figure? On the wild off-chance it doesn't work out, THAT'S when your son will be hurt. Can you really know everything about him? If he cares about you, he will work with you to maybe make the overnights less frequent for 6-9 months... there could be some middle ground.

Another thought is to browse Barnes & Noble under blended families. my two cents

Dear Single Mom, Three months does seem like a short time to get serious about a guy, but you have to go with your instincts. Maybe the father of your son is jealous. Is he in a relationship himself? He might also feel that he will be replaced? You might assure him that he will always be the father of your son and he will continue to see him, but that it's really good when there are more caring adults in a child's life. Also assure him that you know this is the right thing for you and your son now and that you wouldn't be exposing him to a creep. It sounds like you don't have a parade of men flowing through the house and are really sure about this guy. You have every right to do what you are doing. I know it's hard when the father's are mad, but it's HIS stuff, not yours. This may be the next step in ''splitting up''. There's not really anything he can do to prevent you.

I get along really well with my ex's partner, sometimes better than with him! I like that there is another person in my daughter's life who loves her and is looking out for her. I'm not partnered now and I am careful about who I bring around to meet my daughter. There have been some duds, but we've all gotten over it. Though none have slept over, more like meeting at dinner. It's life afterall! And it's practice for them too, seeing how we are in relationships. If we in a healthy relationship but it doesn't work out, it's okay too. Not trying to jinx your new relationship but just to point out it's not the worst thing in the world if it ends and your son was involved. I wish you the best of luck. I know it's hard to juggle everything as a single mom, especially when there's that third person there! Happy mommies are better mommies!

I am also a single mom, 36 with a 4 yr. old daughter, so I truly understand your predicament. But, that said, I must say I am concerned that you take your son over to your new boyfriend's house for regular sleepovers. That is not appropriate-- in that, I agree with your ex. You can sleep over at your boyfriends when your son is with your ex. Or, your boyfriend perhaps can sleep over at your home. Unless there have been serious discussions as to becoming a family together with this new person (and new relationships ALWAYS feel as if they will last forever!), it is unfair and inappropriate to bring your son for sleepovers for your own enjoyment and convenience. It is not ''his'' space, not at this point, is it ''your'' space. The relationship between you and any new romantic interest should be kept fairly private, and increase in levels. But not to the point of bringing your son over to sleep unless it has been established that that will become his home too. Sorry to be critical, but I was taken aback by your posting. T

oh GIRL! My boyfriend's ex-wife is all up in my grill over the kids being at my house. Now that he's moved in, and it's his house, she's less butty about it, but IMO she can't stand that he's moved on. Keep in mind, she's led a multi-block-long parade of men through their lives since the divorce, but don't even try to question her judgement... I don't have any advice, but a lot of empathy. Some people just can't let go. Glad you didn't marry this guy. Good luck in your new relationship. (Maybe 3 months is a little soon, maybe I would have waited one more month, but you're the best judge of that! And how could you find out if he's a partner if he never meets your kid?!)

Have you thought about mediation? There is a great organization called East Bay Community Mediation that provides volunteer mediators at a very low fee. The mediator can help each of you negotiate a workable arrangement, and can assist in eliciting the feelings underneath each of your positions, which will hopefully help each of you understand the other person better and lead to a lasting, workable plan. I myself am a mediator and would be happy to talk with you further about mediation and/or help you get connected with a mediator suitable for your needs. mary

as a single dad for the past 6 years, daughter is now 8 1/2, who has not had a date those entire 6 years (not that i am not trying, as i am, lots; i am 63, however, and for that and other reasons am a difficult match), my feeling about your situation is that your ex is indeed trying to be too controlling about this, just exactly as you said, and he needs to let it go.

on the other hand, i can certainly understand his feelings, and you would probably do best to attempt to do the same, although this won't be easy (for you). he was used to your previously loveless and mostly dateless arrangement, probably mirroring his own situation, hence is now feeling jealous/insecure, whatever. still i am with you 100% on this and feel he needs come to terms with the new situation and not be a controlling jerk. he definitely does need to agree to counseling (have you tried suggesting he go on his own if he is uncomfortable going w/ you?) to help get through this.

again i can totally understand his helpless and vulnerable feelings here, but still feel he needs to see the broader picture (you and your son and your needs as a family) and lighten up and deal.

best wishes for good luck. doug

Going on vacation with boyfriend + his kids + my kids

April 2007

I am divorced and mother of two wonderful boys, ages 9 and 11. We have not lived with their father for 7 years. They have frequent phone contact with him, and see him three or four times a year, as much as we are able to make work with money and time away from jobs, etc. Last spring I met a wonderful man, also divorced, with three children. We started dating, and spending a lot of time together. I have shared with my children that he and I are friends, good friends, who like to spend time together. We go to movies, or dinner, and spend time together on the weekends with his and my children. We have taken one weekend trip together with all our children (5 all together), and did not share a bedroom. We were and are very careful physically with one another in front of the children, and only spend nights together when the children are at sleepovers with friends or grandparents. We are now planning another combined family trip this summer, for the last two weeks of July. After over a year of dating, and spending time with our families in various settings, is it wildly inappropriate for my friend and I to share a bed while on vacation? His children are ''savvier'' than mine, in that their mother has had a long- term boyfriend living in their house for over a year. My boys have never had that experience, and have lived alone with me for over 7 years. I do not want to make them uncomfortable, nor damage their psyches. On the other hand, sleeping on couches or bunking with the kids while on this holiday seems a little odd, too. How do I handle this? My children are quite fond of my friend, and his children are of me as well. As a group the five kids get along pretty well, not without the usual sorts of conflicts that arise with any group of children. Any advice, thoughts, pearls of wisdom would be great. Many thanks. help!

Oh, gee, you will probably get alot of varied ideas on this. If I were you, I would want to sleep with him and just don't make a big deal of it to the kids. It is a long term relationship, you all know each other, and I think it is important to demonstrate to children what a healthy, caring adult relationship is, rather than sneak around and adhere to some Victorian morality.

After my friend and I had been dating about 3 months very intensely, we did the same thing on a ski weekend. We had intended to each sleep with our kids, but the two boys immediately took over the sofa bed in the living room and the two girls took over the king bed in the master bedroom(!). We wanted them all to enjoy themselves and the only place left was a small double bedded room or the kitchen floor. We made a show of leaving the door open all night and he slept in his sweats and me in my flannel jammies under the covers while he slept on top of the blankets. Word still got home to his ex-wife who threw an absolute hissy-fit about how inappropriate it was (this is the woman he left because she was having affairs with men like their soccer coach and pediatrician WHILE they were married!). So, there is no telling what people will regard as appropriate. I say do what feels most comfortable for you and your friend. You will probably feel happier which your children will pick up on (and yes, someone will probably object, but that is their problem). love my kids AND my guy

I would suggest that you clue your sons in on your relationship. I think that the hardest part is behind them; the fact that you separated from their biological father. The fact that you are moving on and have been so extremely considerate of them, is commendable, though. You don't mention much about how they handled your divorce, but assuming that they are okay with the situation the way it is now, I would allow them to be part of the next phase; a new man in your life. I have found with our children that explanations and honesty are the best solution. I think that if you mention to your sons that he makes you really happy and that you have taken a long time to get to know him really well, that they would only respect you for it. JOJ

Hmm, I think your kids might be a little savvier than you think. For instance, they hang out with at least 3 kids that are savvy enough to fill them in. Nevertheless, it is a little disturbing to have to think about your mother doing that so definitely do not spring this on them when you are already on vacation. Have a nice talk with the boys soon, so they have time to process it long before the vacation.As it regards vacation make sure you play up the fun for them, that it will be all kids in their room! Have the talk with just you and your kids and your boyfriend should do the same with his kids. Don't make it like you are asking their permission, but more like you are acknowledging a fact that they probably already caught on to (but making sure not to make them feel dumb if they didn't know).As it regards vacation make sure you play up the fun for them, that it will be all kids in their room! Kind of like when they found out Santa or the Easter Bunny or the Tooth fairy wasn't real! Maybe you can get some sleepovers before vacation! anon

Look, you're allowed to have a grown-up relationship. Your kids will be okay - it's especially nice that they already know the guy and are comfortable with him.

I personally think it's a good idea if you two think you'd like to be together for awhile, or see the relationship going somewhere. But either way, he's been around long enough - your kids will adjust.

It's probably a good idea to tell your kids at some point soon that this guy is your boyfriend, and depending on what their personalities are like (if they need to be prepared for change), you might casually mention the sleeping arrangements ahead of time, so they can quietly process it and not be shocked. Such as: you and Bobby and Joey will share a room, Mike's daughters will share a room, and Mike and I will share a room. anon

Boyfriend moving in with me and my 3 y.o.?

Jan 2007

My boyfriend is moving to the Bay Area from southern California in the next few months. Although marriage is intended in the future, it is not something we are planning presently. (background: we've been dating long distance for a year, but have been friends for almost ten years)

What we have been discussing is living together. He already spends most weekends at my apartment with me and my three year old daughter. They both adore each other and are wonderful together. What I'm unsure about is 1. how to answer my daughter's questions as to why B sleeps in my bed; 2. if living together would confuse her or not; 3. how to explain living together if B moves in; 4. how to explain marriage if we later get married; 5. if living together is a bad idea or not; and 6. what exactly is B's relationship with my daughter if we're living together -- do i need to talk about that with her or not?

Last bit of info - I was never married to my daughter's father. He sees her about 5 to 15 hours a week, but she has never has overnights with him. So my home is really her only home. Any and all advice, comments, shared experiences that answer my questions or are just tangentially related are very welcome by me. I don't know any other single moms, so I'm on my own for this. Trying to be good mom

No- please don't move this guy in! Be patient and see if you actually get married first. anon

my husband and i first moved in together when my son was 4 years old, with me not having been previously married to my son's father. i think that the most important element is that you and your partner are committed to each other so that your daughter does not get caught in the middle.

we ended up going on and having another child, before we were married. i cannot remember if the discussion of marriage ever came up so you may be worrying about things that never arise, but i have always talked to my son about the many definitions of family and how many different equations can come from that one term. and, my husband has never tried to take the place of his father. my son is actually closer to my husband, though he may not readily admit it, but also has weekly contact with his dad. we have never tried to make the situation something that its not, nor forced anything on him other than his siblings!! i think just be open with your daughter and let things evolve naturally while including her in the process. and talk to her while encouraging her to be open with you about how she's feeling. best of luck in your new life. anon

Hi, I can't believe you haven't met any sinlge moms here in the Bay Area! Well, there are lots of us out here, with and without boyfriends. To comment on your situation, I guess I would be wary about moving in right away if you haven't had the time to be together in the same town. I think it would be harder on your daughter to figure things out if he moved in and for some reason you guys didn't hit it off domestically and then moved out, than if he came over a lot and started to spend the night slowly before he actually moved in. As far as explaining things to her, you just say, adults who love eachother sleep together and it's another kind of love that's different from how you and she love each other and how your boyfriend and she love eachother and how she loves her father. I don't think there's another way to say it. She will figure it out eventually. Marriage and living together, hmm could be the same for a 3 year old, so I wouldn't go into too much detail except for saying that that's what adults do. Maybe you could say adults live together first and then if it works out and everyone is happy then they get married! If you are going to live together try to make sure that she doesn't feel displaced, try to keep her room as is.

As far as her relationship with your boyfriend, it's nice to have another adult caring about a child. He's not her father, but can be a guiding loving person for her. Good luck! anon

You need to put your daughter first and foremost in your life. If you and your boyfriend are really serious about marriage, have you two sat down separately and together with a wise and experienced third person and gone over with a fine tooth comb your views on money, sex, household duties, conflict resolution, parenting, estate planning, activities that involve each of you three individually and in different groupings of your family? Unless you are prepared to do this work at least twice with months between cycles BEFORE your boyfriend has moved north, you are not truly mature enough to get married. Then get married before the dude moves in. As I said above, it is your daughter, not yourself and your love life, who you must put in the forefront. anon

The way I see it, you have two choices. Either get married since that is your intent and then you can then explain that when people get married they love each other and form a family and live together. Or just say that when people love each other they live together (? especially when they are going to get married soon??) Ring those bells if you're gonna ring 'em

How to approach boyfriend sleeping over?

Jan 2007

I am a single mom of two boys ages 8 and 4. I have a boyfriend whom they adore and he loves them. I would like to be able to have my boyfriend sleep over when the boys are in my house, but don't know how to approach this. We lived with another man briefly, so they have experienced my sleeping in bed with a man other than their father. How have others approached this with their children? Thanks for your advice. anon

You indicate by your post that you have already had at least two failed relationships. You are parenting two kids, both sons, which cannot be easy. But you must model for them commitment and stability. That means ''dating'' out of the house, and minimizing contact with boyfriend. They are very impressionable and are just beginning to understand sexuality, morality, commitment, respect for girls and themselves, and a myriad other fundamental lessons. They both need all of your extra time, not some joe-boyfriend. I suggest you and the kids do volunteer work together (like Habitat for Humanity), work on assisting their education and teachers, and do other, deeper activities. They will be out of your life and into their own in less than 10 unbelievably short years. Use these years wisely. Be a strong, proud woman. anon

When is it appropriate tell kids the relationship is serious?

Feb 2006

When is it an appropriate time to introduce someone as a significant other to your kids? I have a 4 year-old son, never been married, and my son's father & I have not been together for over a year. I had started dating a few different men several months ago, but nothing serious and I have kept all that completely separate from my son (i.e. I never brought any of my dates around my son). However, I have been dating one man pretty much exclusively for the past month and we've been talking lately about moving our relationship to the next level (monogamous, boyfriend/girlfriend, exclusive, or whatever it's called). He is extrememly supportive in any way I want to handle things with my son in regards to including him into our lives, undertstands completely that my son is my first and foremost priority and that everything else falls into a distant second. He is also all for ''the slower, the better''. My son has met him as ''mommy's friend'', so he is familiar with him. But considering the relationship developing into something more, I don't know how to do this so that my son feels comfortable as well, and that I don't give him the impression that I am trying to ''replace'' his daddy with this new man. By the way, my son has a great relationship with his father, which I want to continue to support. Do I talk with my son about it? Or do I just hang back and let things develop without having to say anything? How have some of you handled the experience of dating, finding someone really special, and letting your kids know, too? Because not everyone is just ''mommy's friend'' or ''uncle so''.
Dating is Hard

Please don't make the same mistake I made when I first started dating again. You've been dating someone for a whole month and think it's time to merge (bring your son into the relationship). You are dating the guy, not your son. Leave him out of it until you're ready to say ''I do''. It's hard enough when a relationship ends but then to have to nurse your kids through the break-up, well they did that already when you and the father split up. It's easier to leave them out of it.
Been there, but never ever again

There is this great group for singles at the Berkeley Richmond JCC. Actually the facilitator (Rachel Sarah) is a single mom, who wrote a book about being a single mom and the dating challenges that she had to face. You can go to http://www.brjcc.org/jcc/group_discussion_support.htm They meet every Thursday at 7pm. Perhaps you can go and she can give good advice about it.
Elena

My father died when I was 4, and my mom dated afterward. Based on my experience, I would encourage you to be cautious about letting this man become someone your son counts on until you have a secure commitment with your boyfriend. It can be heartbreaking and bewildering for children to be ''broken up with,'' believe me. It's like a divorce except that the one person simply disappears, and the child has no real claim on him. A kid can experience this as a life lesson in how little he matters in the world and how risky it can be to trust others emotionally. Basically, I just think you and your boyfriend should be mindful of the relationship he is building with your son, and remember that your son is a separate person who may come to love your boyfriend, too. Keep things light and friendly until you know where things are going -- and certainly don't move in together until your future together is clear. My two cents.
Jessica

Wonderful new boyfriend - when can he stay over?

Sept 2005

I'm in a wonderfully awkward situation and I need some help from someone who's been there, done that. After being separated almost 5 years from my almost ex husband, I've finally met a man that I love being around. (I've dated off and on before, but my boys have never met my past boyfriends.) He's a great guy (and a parent himself), but my boys are feeling like they are ''losing'' mom, not gaining an adult in their lives. Recently, he has been spending the night a couple of times a week, but my boys have woken up for various reasons in the middle of the night (which they haven't done for years) and have wanted to come and cuddle in my big king bed. I don't want to exclude any male in my life from night time cuddles, but want to do what is best for my sons. So help me out here: do I only have him stay over when the boys are at their Dad's (3-5 weekend nights a month); or, hire a sitter and go to ''his place'' for a few hours; or, try to create some middle ground - i.e., if the bedroom door is locked, they have to wait - if the bedroom door is closed but not locked, they may come in - but can expect that my boyfriend will be there (both of us with pyjamas on by the time we unlock the door) and that we can all cuddle together. Or does someone have another great idea that keeps everyone happy? P.S. this is the best sex I've ever had in my life and my boys are 9 and 10 1/2 years old. Thanks!
Hoping for the best

You don't say how long you've known your new friend, or when your boys first met him, but I wouldn't push them in any way to become buddies with him; they'll get to know him at their own pace. (And I think expecting that you'll all cuddle together right now is premature.) Even after 5 years, your boys may still wish and dream that you and their father will get back together; finding a new man in your bedroom might be proof to them--I mean, upsetting proof--that this will not happen. (Imagine yourself at their age. Would you really be happy to find your mother or father with a new person?)

You might consider just having your friend over when the boys are with their father overnight, and, as you mentioned, hiring a sitter some afternoons and evenings. But I'd be sure to have frequent weekend where it's just you and the boys.

Good luck to you and your sons and your new relationship. Melanie

I was in this situation when my boys were about the same age as your sons. I had a big advantage though - my boys were at their dad's half the week so I had a lot more time to work with! First of all, your boys are old enough to understand the concept of knocking before entering anyone's bedroom, and waiting to be invited in (or not). It's a basic privacy rule at our house, and this rule became really important to my boys when they got to be teens, which yours will be soon. Family members need to always respect each other's privacy. I think a talk is in order explaining this: if mom's door is closed, that means she wants privacy. If your door is closed, I'll knock and wait for you to tell me when I can come in (and then do it, every single time, to set the example.) You don't have to give a reason why you want them to always knock first (and believe me, in a few more years, your sons will not want to explain to you why *their* doors are closed!)

Second, for now, I would try to maximize time at the boyfriend's and minimize times the boyfriend sleeps over. Can you increase the days the boys are at their dad's? 3-5 days/month is not very much. When your boyfriend does stay over I think you should give your boys a heads up. ''John is staying over tomorrow night and I'll want some privacy after we go to bed'' or something like that. Does your boyfriend feel OK about the night-time cuddles? My boyfriend was really uncomfortable about appearing to be the ''other dad''. He said his role was more like benevolent uncle, so he sort of stood in the background, friendly but not really parental. So he didn't do the kinds of things usually reserved for the mom or dad, like cuddling in bed or disciplining. My boys have a good relationship with their now-stepdad. he is a super nice guy, so that's one reason, but also, they were able to see their dad a LOT, and have a good relationship with him, and never felt that their step-dad was trying to be usurp his role. Good luck! a mom

I only have one question, and one suggestion, for you. How would you feel if you found your mother's door locked, because she had a new guy in her bed?

Your boys are permanent, and your responsibility until they are 18. If you can find a way to have the ''best sex of your life'' without it having any repercussions for them, go for it. No man should be in your bed while your children are there. If he's a ''new'' boyfriend they probably shouldn't even spend time with him out of bed -- in case you decide that he's temporary.

Since he's a parent too, I'm a little disappointed that he doesn't seem to feel that way himself.

I'm sure you'll hear other opinions, too. Heather

I was in a similar situation, though I was the new partner and had to get used to my partner's (now husband) 9 year old son being with us overnight. It's hard for kids to accept a new person in their parents life, so we really eased into this. We spent alot time together doing fun stuff, getting to know eachother, before we ever had an overnight. Even so, it was challenging when we moved in together. My partner started by sleeping in his son's room with him -- I'm not sure if this was the right thing, but it was comforting to the child. Then, when we were a little more accustomed to being in the same house, my partner moved into our room and his son got accustomed to it. His son never really felt comfortable crawling into the bed with the two of us, so I would sometimes vacate the bed in the morning so they could have cuddle time together. Good luck with the transition.
step-mom

Being a newly single mom, I understand your situation. My kids are 11 and 7 and their Dad left us two years ago. I just started dating once I was officially single in January and am having a great time! I only have my lover come to my house to spend the night when the children are at their Dad's. They have enough to deal with, as he is living with the girl he left us for. I have to respect their right to have no interaction with another adult in their living space at their primary home so I keep that part of my life separate. I remember when I was a child, how creepy it was for me when my Mom had her boyfriends stay at the house. Just keep their feelings in mind. Good luck.
Divorced with kids