Very triggering relationship with adult brother
my brother and i are ~ 28 months apart. i am a 36 year old woman. we've had periods of being close and periods of not getting along. we've gotten into some exchanges over text recently that are very triggering and upsetting for me and make me feel really uncomfortable.
he says that he wants us to be closer, that i don't really know who he is, that he can be "direct and hurt/scare me" or not be direct and just "disappear in every conversation." he texted me "try to ask yourself; you have any idea who your own brother is? have tried to know? disappeared from your own perspective and anxiety to actually know? " when i didn't respond he wrote "FYI you are ignoring these messages and the ones above it, is real life. and its noted." i said, "im sorry. i love you." and he goes on and eventually says "your actions are real, seen, not forgotten, and have an effect. they always have." i believe the "actions" he's referring to are my "dismissal of responsibility" for my "poor communication" and maybe for my inability to be the super close sister that he wants (?)
he was gone for 6 weeks on a road trip and things became cordial again, seeing him at a family gathering we made eye contact and small talk that was genuine (i thought), and he sent me a few pictures from his trip and i sent a picture of my daughter/his niece. he's back for 7 days before leaving again on business and he wrote saying that he wants to start doing the weekly babysitting again for my daughter (this ended after the long exchange quoted from above, neither of us reached out to schedule another day, i was hoping he wouldn't and he didnt... so it just didnt happen), and that his girlfriend is moving in with him, and that he made some choices with his job so as to work remote permanently. i didnt respond to the texts, but did respond when, two days later he wished my daughter happy birthday (thank you! was my response). now its a week later and he says "you never answered the texts i wrote last week. i figure the content in general tends to paralyze you." i feel myself flooded, so confused, reading that sentence is very triggering for me and seems super weird - but i don't know who to ask ?!
(yes i know i should be in therapy, i have been, my subsidized rate ended so im not right now but hope to find someone). thank you for reading thus far, i know that this is a THERAPY question, and i hope that fits into the parameters of what this group is for.
in closing, wise network: does that seem like a super weird text to receive and kind of...i don't know emotionally abusive or something?? i don't know if im using that term correctly. or, does it seem like i could totally be at fault here just as much as he, for the sticky quality of this relationship?
what i want is to have a cordial, friendly, supportive sibling relationship. and i think he wants to have some idealized super close deep relationship.
also, about 6 months ago at a family dinner there was some disagreement between us about, parenting, and it got a little heightened for a moment and then he turned to me, with eyes wide, jutting his head forward, said "you better CHECK yourself." my cheeks flushed and i almost cried. my two year old was next to me.
i don't know how to put forth boundaries/communicate maturely around this.