Struggling daily with 3-year-old's temper tantrums
My almost- 3yo is affectionate and very loving, plays well with with his older brother and interacts well with family and friends. When he is good, he is great. On the other hand, we struggle daily with his multiple tantrums a day. He goes from 0 to 100 with his temper. Some things we deal with every day (I realize all this is probably normal for his age but in totality is difficult to handle) - doesn't want to get dressed for preschool, screams that he doesn't want to wear whatever clothing is offered (he often only wants to wear the same shirt, so giving him a choice often doesn't work), doesn't want to get out of the bath, I've been letting him get out when he wants but then he's angry if you try to dry him off, basically wants to do everything himself and screams/cries/gets mad if you try to help him, yet he is frustrated with himself he can't do it. All on top of which - he is very sensory and exploratory so he likes to play with his food, shred things, turn everything into a projectile, etc. We understand his exploratory nature, but also have to set limits as to what/when he can destroy things (i.e. when he starts destroying his brother's artwork), yet it's hard to handle because he gets mad/screams/cries of course. He is inconsolable, angry and combative in these moments, and we are often at a standstill where he simply refuses to do something, where we have to resort to yelling and forcing him to wear pants so that he can go to preschool. My husband and I get run down by the end of the morning routine, and then we are run down again by the time he gets home and we do the evening routine. As a baby, he was colicky, and he always had trouble falling asleep. He is the type that exhibits 'more' energy when he is dead tired. I've asked our pediatrician about the possibility of ADHD and am told what he is doing is completely age appropriate, that it is too young to diagnose. He is also well aware of his oder's brother's capabilities (simply because the brother is older), but he does not grasp that this is because of an age difference. I worry that my younger son has an inferiority complex. I am totally open to tips/advice/perspectives. Thank you!
Parent Replies
This phase is so difficult and stressful. I’d recommend listening to Janet Lansbury’s podcast for advice, she’s really helped me manage my phrasing and reactions to tantrums. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbu…
We also have a high-energy and sometimes stubborn toddler. I highly recommend the book How to Talk So Little Kids will Listen by Joanna Faber. Even the first 50 pages will give you strategies that will (hopefully) completely disarm your son and allow you to proceed calmly with the morning routine. In short, he needs validation of his feelings and thoughts - even if he doesn't get his way. Child: "I don't want to get out of the bath." Parent: "You don't want to get out of the bath. You are having fun and getting out makes you sad/angry. [use an angry/sad tone of voice to match his emotions.] The problem is that we need to get out of the bath so we can read a book." Avoid the word "but" as kids pick up on this change in sentence structure. Of course, yelling and punishment don't really work for toddlers and can often make things worse (if anything, stay calm and lower your voice while he has a tantrum). And remember, he's not giving you a hard time, he's having a hard time. No one wants to cry and fight all the time, including your toddler, he's just learning how to regulate his emotions.
We had a similar experience with our younger son, even the colic and an the older brother. I feel for you, it's extremely draining. At age 3 our son started seeing an OT for sensory issues and at age 5 he was diagnosed with ADHD. I highly recommend finding an OT that treats sensory issues. Your pediatrician should be able to recommend someone. The OT was able to help him and was also a support to me. We lived in Seattle at the time and our OT worked at a gym similar to the one I have linked below. This was covered by our insurance. I don't know anything the gym in the link below and I am sure there are others in the area. Some good news....our son is now starting middle school and is a wonderful kid. He sometimes has challenges with focusing and also anxiety, but overall he's doing great. Things do get better!
Pediatric Motor Playground - Home
My heart goes out to you. We were in the same place a year or so back with our 3 yr old and it was rough, she was the older child. After a lot of trial and error, here are some of the things that worked. First and foremost we made sure she was well rested, fed on time and had used the potty because if any of those things were amiss then it triggered huge meltdowns, we avoided her getting overtired because that meant even bigger meltdowns. Then we would give her a heads up to help with transitions, ie we’ll get ready in 5 minutes to go to preschool, so you have 5 minutes to play then 2 minutes and then one minute etc after 5 minutes we were firm about getting dressed, firm boundaries helped a lot which often meant facing a meltdown calmly and acknowledging her upset feelings (ie Its frustrating when you have to get dressed when all you want to do is play longer), and budgeting time initially for the meltdown. But once the boundaries were firm she learned to play along. regarding getting dressed what really helped was making it playful, so we’d pretend two sets if her clothes were fighting each other to get picked to go to preschool with her, she loved being the person who chose one set and then the other set of clothes would say, maybe next time it’ll be my turn. Basically animating all the objects in her universe really helped with cooperation, ie the toys want to go back home for clean up. Apart from this providing positive reinforcement for all the things that went right, even the small things. Last but not the least involving her in household chores helped too, cleaning up her toys, putting her clothes in the laundry bag, cleaning the table with a wet cloth.
We also noticed that when she had enough one on one time with us she was the most cooperative. Things got better a year or so later.
I highly recommend this book by Adel Faber and Elaine Mazlich “ How to talk so kids will listen..”
Good luck and hang in there!
This is so tough! May I suggest the book Playful Parenting? The advice ran really counter to my own initial parenting, but I was amazed at how effective it was. My then 2.5 year old had a hard time transitioning having a new baby sister (trying to hit), and even though I knew this was a normal reaction, it made me furious. The more I tried to stop her (which often devolves into yelling), the more reactive and angry she would get. Using some of the play based advice from the book made a huge difference. It isn't magic, and it takes consistent reinforcement, but I now strongly believe that "difficult" behaviors are kids trying to tell us something they don't have the skills to tell us. The book also really helped me strengthen my relationship with my daughter so we were laughing and connecting. Good luck!
No advice at the moment except we’re in the throes of this with our 3 year old son too and did not experience this intensity with his older sister. It’s clear he’s less likely to be so extreme when he’s had enough sleep or enough to eat but finding ways to get him to slow down to do either is tough! Just hoping he grows out of this phase soon.
I would highly recommend Big Little Feelings, which is an Instagram account that also has a paid online course for parents of toddlers (though a lot of the same material is free on their Instagram account). A lot of this is VERY normal and you may just have to wait it out, but I've found their account and their course to be super helpful in getting through these exhausting and frustrating phases.
My daughter is a bit younger than your son (21 months) and I haven’t personally dealt with the experiences you describe, but I will say that I have found the tips in the Big Little Feelings toddler course to be incredibly helpful, especially when it comes to dealing with tantrums. Their tools for avoiding and managing tantrums - such as using timers to indicate transition times - have worked so well for our daughter. Highly recommend their course and Instagram page.
I feel like you’re describing my son, to a T!! Everything down to the colicky baby. I do think some kids are more spirited, as they say, then others. I’m hoping this passionate voice and independence will serve him in the future. I’m right there with you in pooped-parent solidarity. This too shall pass.
Our younger child was that way at age 3 - would throw 45-90 min long tantrums … several days a week. And while the tantrums have improved with age, that child still cannot handle chaos or frustration and the issues have just changed / morphed.
Our pediatrician recommended reading The Highly Sensitive Child which we found somewhat helpful. The book describes a lot of traits that our child has - the most unique is that they notice everything - every smell, off taste, new item in the environment, loose strings on clothing, weird noises, etc. The book provides ideas on how to change the environment to help the highly sensitive person cope. We found that avoiding chaos, making sure things were predictable, sticking to favorite comfortable clothing helped some. We definitely changed the environment just to get a little peace.
This child is also a perfectionist and extremely determined to learn new skills. The other thing that helped a lot was letting that child do almost everything themselves even if it was frustrating. They potty trained around 18 months, dressed themselves and buckled car seats at 2 years, rode a bike before age 3, tied shoes before kindergarten, etc. The kid is not advanced but rather will repeat a skill they want to learn over and over obsessively through frustration and tears until it is mastered. There were definitely things that child learned to do that the older sibling could not do.
If your child is like ours, I recommend you carefully pick your battles, focus on only the most important things, and think outside the box. If there’s one loved shirt, buy 5 and make it the preschool uniform. There’s no reason why a kid needs to wear pants to preschool drop off. I delivered my child to school with a bag of clothing and shoes on more than one occasion and they could join their friends in the classroom after they dressed themselves - at school. I cleared this approach with the preschool ahead of time and will say we only had to do it a few times and it helped a lot. Make sure there are outlets for the sensory stuff like playing with food (play dough) and shredding (junk mail), but then be clear that those activities don’t apply elsewhere.
Finally, give yourself a break and take turns on the morning and evening routines so you don’t go off the rails.
OP here, thank you for all the suggestions and resources! It's a good reminder that these tantrums are their way of communicating to us what they can't yet do with words, or other more skillful ways. I love all the tips on getting dressed and yes, maybe we are at a point where we just have to bring him to preschool in his pull-ups. The 1-1 time is a great point. Our boys are in a Montessori same class, but recently, the teachers told me they would experiment with having them spend time in separate classes. I also haven't thought about how space/environment can trigger some of these episodes, but it makes sense. Thanks for the words of encouragement and parenting solidarity!