Keep in contact w/departed nanny or no?
I have a dilemma and I'm hoping to get some unbiased opinion.
My son was VERY close with his full time nanny of 11 months. How close? We hung out with her family on the weekends sometimes, and our kids played together all of summer 2018. Meaning, instead of putting her son in camp, she just brought him along, and I still paid her the full rate. Well, in January of this year, out of the blue, she told us she has to go take care of an ill friend. My partner and I were totally caught off guard, did not see this coming at all. At first I was understanding, she's a kind person, she needs to take care of a friend during her final days/months/years.. and I assumed she was giving us our agreed upon 1 months notice. But NO, she was gone in 8 days and left us scrambling. We had no way to prepare our son for her sudden departure, we were in the middle a house move, and our lives were thrown into total chaos. I don't think I've forgiven her, because I feel like she totally disregarded my son's well-being and threw my son's affections away. My son asked about her a lot in the early months - when she was going to come visit, he wants to show her this and that... but he's asking less often. But he still brings her up, and I can tell he misses her. He'll say "(nanny's name) got me this book/truck/toy" or "(nanny's name) used to read/play this with me" or "(nanny's name) and I used to come here (library/park/etc)".. Since her quitting, she and I have had a couple of superficial text exchanges. From our side, we've said she can come visit if convenient, when she's not caring for her friend. But she's not put any effort into asking to see him or any weekend play dates with her son. I just feel like she totally kicked us to the curb, and it hurts.
So if you were me, would you put any effort into contacting her and seeing if she wants to see your child? I feel like my son doesn't quite understand her leaving, but it may be just as confusing for her to show up one time or a couple of times, and then disappear again. I just don't know what's the best way to go about this and could use some insights.
Parent Replies
I'm sorry your former nanny put you in a difficult position. At the same time, it sounds like she had her own urgent personal priorities to fulfill. If someone you loved was seriously ill and needed your care, would you think twice about leaving an employer in a lurch? The difficult thing about the nanny-employer relationship is the interweaving of a an economic exchange relationship with a personal relationship. While you have the right to your own feelings about the inconvenience this caused you, your complaint seems to not just be that the conduct was inconvenient or had fallout, but that it's personally disloyal. But no one has the moral right to expect their employee to put a boss or client's logistical and emotional needs above the urgent needs of their own close friend or family member.
As for the question of whether you should reach out more than you already have: only if you can get clear of your own resentment and accept that your nanny has her own life and needs that might not involve taking care of you and your child.
Consider your child's feelings before deciding. Young kids get very attached to people in their lives - much more so than we do as adults. Reach out to her and if you still don't get much of a response, then let it drop. It is confusing, but even seeing her one or two times might help with the closure.
I would say yes it is worth it for closure for your son. Then she can explain to him what happened. We had a nanny depart somewhat abruptly to return to her home country. We set up a few Skype calls and had her visit us when she returned to the US a year later and I think it helped my son transition better than her just disappearing and him never seeing her again.
Unfortunately I think that you should treat this like a difficult breakup and not attempt to stay friends. I think that if you put a lot of effort into it, you'll get together once or twice but it won't be worth the effort and it will just hurt more when she bails again. I think that you are absolutely right to be hurt about being left in the lurch, especially since she was bringing her child along but not reducing the hourly rate. I'd be livid and would not believe that it was necessary to quit with no notice. I 100% disagree with anonymous' opinion on this. The problem here isn't with you.
Think about your worst breakups and whether it helped or hurt to see those people after the breakup. I know that going back for more was never in my best interests and just prolonged the healing period. Better to just feel the pain now and eventually be done with it.
I would let it go and move on. It's not going to harm your son. You didn't say how old he is, but I'm guessing younger than 3 or 4. The relationship young kids have with their nannies truly is very close, but honestly, it's not a relationship your child is likely to remember in another year. The next few years for your son will be a whirlwind of new playmates, teachers, and all kinds of exciting activities. Most kids as they grow, remember very little of their lives before the age of 5 or so. Your son already got the really important stuff from the nanny: bonding with someone other than mom or dad, and that feeling of safety and love that will stay with him as he forms new relationships in preschool, and school, and beyond.
My youngest child just started college and we still keep in touch with his nanny from so many years ago. She also had a child of a similar age, and after the boys started school we'd do things together occasionally - birthday parties, lunches together, the occasional sleepover. We still keep in touch mainly because we help out with college expenses for her kids. But my son doesn't have any memories of her as his nanny at all. She's more like a friend of his parents who has kids that are nice that we see occasionally.
We parents often think of nannies as being part of the family, because the nanny is someone you entrust your child to, and you want the nanny to care about your child as much as you do. We don't want to think of it as a transactional relationship where you give them money, and in exchange, they keep your child alive. But even when the nanny does truly love the child, and I believe our nanny did and does still love our son, for the nanny it's still a job. What's more it's a job that you both know from the beginning will end after just a year or two. This isn't the same as a friendship or family relationship that we expect to last for a long time. No matter how much I might come to care about the people I work with, I don't really want to get together with them once a job has ended. Your nanny just ended her job with you, so I think it is up to the nanny whether she wants to continue a relationship with you and your child.
If she hasn't made any effort to reach out to you/keep in contact, I don't think it's worth you following up. You didn't mention how old your son is, but I assume before pre-school age. Once you get into school (even preschool), your child will have close relationships with teachers that stop when they transition to a new class. I know it's different with a nanny, and it was a close relationship for the whole family, but I don't think you should pursue the relationship unless you personally want to.
Context for my comments - our daughter was really close with our nanny and her daughter when she started daycare at age 2 a year ago. She talked a lot about our nanny right away, and for a few months after. She'll occasionally remember her now, but I think the memory is getting foggy. We also had a different nanny up to when our daughter turned 1; that nanny really wanted to stay in touch after we moved, but our daughter was pretty overwhelmed by meeting up with her. Without the daily contact, she clearly did not feel the same closeness/connection to the nanny but the nanny still felt that. We only met up a once or twice before letting that relationship fade.
We hired our nanny as a babysitter for a year or two for an occasional evening out. This was to give my child continuity. I don’t think it is reasonable to expect the nanny to “visit.” As close as she was to your child, taking care of him was her job.