How to create divorce & custody plans with uncommunicative spouse
First off, thank you for the feedback you have all offered over the years. Separating from the father of my children has been difficult and a process that has taken me years! Now I am reaching out for feedback on communication. Back in January I sent him a letter via email, text and WhatsApp asking him to consider the sale of our property and splitting the equity in half. In this letter, I asked him to respond in 30 days in the manner he sought best fit. No response. Seeing that he had no intention of responding, I decided to rent a house and leave our home. We have been separated under the same home for close to 4 years and that has brought a lot of anxiety to me, and my children have witnessed my depression, so I just wanted out. I wrote him a second letter and gave it to him in the same manner as I did the first one. In this second letter I informed him that I would be moving out, laid out a 'suggested' custody arrangement, as well as my wishes for better communication with him. I advised him that I was willing to work with him on the schedule and time he spent with the kids and invited him to communicate with me in the way he found best fit for him; writing, text, verbal. I am not shocked that he has not responded and its been over a month.
Currently, and for years, he has left the house at his leisure with no regard to me, the kids schedule or events. He just leaves. Last week I overheard him tell our 11 year old that he would be taking her and my son, who is 8, to LA. I texted him the following morning asking him for details about this trip and he stated "our daughter already told you the plan." First off, no she had not. And second, she is an 11 year old child and should not be serving him as a communication agent. I reminded him that she was a child and he was the adult and while I wouldn't prevent him from spending time with the kids, I did need for him to be more accessible and communicative. My son was treatment for strep throat and allergies, which he was not aware about because he was gone. I advised him on the treatment and packed him a cooler with his meds and gave him clear instructions. They left Thursday and despite my many attempts to reach out to him to ask about my kids, he didn't respond. On Sunday he calls me and asks me what the pink medicine was for. He never gave our son his antibiotics and interrupted his 10 day treatment for 3 days. I asked him to handle it by calling the advice nurse or by sending the doctor a note asking how to move forward. He never did. Also, when I spoke with my children later that they, they were both sad as his dad had blamed them both for not reminding him that my son needed his medicine. I spent 40 minutes on the phone that night making the call his dad should have made. I will be moving in 10 days, and my anxiety level is through the roof.
I worry about his continued lack of willingness to communicate will not go away and I am upset that he wants to use the kids as middle men to communicate with me, as he already does. Have you experienced a similar scenario? Did you have to go to court? Should I send him a notarized letter with communication expectations before seeking legal help? I was hoping we didn't have to go to court to fight over custody as I am willing to work things outside of court. I communicate mainly via text with him, because he wont speak to me, and if I address him verbally, he ignores me.