Have you found out your husband is gay?
I never noticed anything that obviously pointed to my husband being attracted to the same sex but about a few months ago he started to go to practice with a local sports club and met a guy who he has a lot in common. I was very happy for him since he always expressed that he would like to have someone that he could be comfortable to have good conversations with rather than just hang out and it seems that this spontaneously happened with this guy.
They started to carpool to practice together and then one day my husband texts me saying that he is on his way home. Practice is about 25mim and 45min later I realized that he wasn’t home and checked his location being a concerned modern wife, thinking of a car accident or something. Then, the location showed that he was already at home. I though he was about to come through the door. Five minutes passed and nothing so I got curious and wanted to check it out but didn’t want to go through the front door so I wouldn’t seem controlling so I checked through the window. The car was on and I though that he was about to come out, a few minutes pass and nothing. I’m about to go back to the leaving room and then the passanger door opened. I thought he would come out but he dd, he puts his hand on top of the roof, like supporting himself to get out of the car but he doesn’t get out. His leg didn’t even come out of the car which I guess it is what we tend to do when we open a door but keep finishing up a conversartion (sorry! Overanalyzing everything at this point). He stayed there for a good 2-3min. I couldn’t see anything because it was very dark and the windowns were tinted but when he opened the door I could clearly see the arm out of the car holding up on the roof and a certain movement because I could see a light showing up on and off because the background light from the neighboor’s home would show on and off. The movement was right under the ‘rear view’ mirror. It couldn’t be his hand moving while talking nor the driver because it was too far ahead. I wasn’t in a view that I was aligned with the front car doors, I was aligned with the rear of the car so i couldn’t see the driver and could only see the passenger because the door was open.
I froze! I told my brain to go outside to make sure of what i saw was correct but I couldn’t. I just stood there listening and feeling my heart trying to come out through my mouth. I kept saying ‘no no! It can’t be!!’ But there wasn’t another response to that movement. This all last just about 3 eternal minutes. It was dark. So, I am trying to convince myself of something else but I cant.
He came into the house soon after and I wasn’t gonna say anything but he saw me as pale as a ghost and I had to ask. Of course, he denied. I couldn’t read his body language to see if he was reacting alike he did when lied in the past. We brough it up in therapy with no much help. We practically haven’t spoke since then. We have kids so it isn’t as easy and just get up and go. I’m can’t be 100% sure of this. He is the only person that knows the truth. I don’t know what to do.
What do you guys think? If you were in that situation would you think what I am thinking? How would you go about to find out the truth? Have you gone through a similiar situation? How was your experience?
Parent Replies
What do you think you saw? Unclear from your description.
First off, you probably saw what you thought you saw, because later there are often a hundred subtle items that either corroborate or negate your first impression. I am talking about how he looked when he came into the house, how he behaved over the next minutes, hours, & days, how many small niggling issues from the recent past suddenly fell into place with this explanation. And of course how he reacted in therapy and with you ever since.
I have not had this exact experience, although I have experienced cheating by my ex. Surely you are reeling and devastated at this time. But I do not want you to feel that you cannot make a healthy family lifestyle change in order to honor your need to be in a monogamous and trusting relationship. It is so good that you are already in therapy because it provides you with a platform to discuss this. You may never get him to tell the truth. It shouldn't affect what you already "know," which I can tell from your post. My advice is to make plans for the future rather than focussing on "finding out the truth."
Even though it was probably your plan to stay married to him for the rest of your life, take your time to figure out what steps to take next. Although this is shocking & sad, you do not have to solve it all immediately. You & he can both continue to parent your children. If he is gay, he may be able to live more genuinely than he has ever been able to. You will be able to mourn your relationship and move on towards health over time.
This must be so upsetting to you. I have a few questions- have you ever thought he might be gay or bi sexual prior to this? You do need to trust your gut. If you think you saw a sexual act, you probably did. I would pick a quiet time when the kids are not around and ask him in a calm and non accusatory way- are you having a physical relationship with this man? If he feels you are calm and not judging ( very hard to do I am sure) he might open up. If this does not seem doable I suggest you bring it up again in therapy. I really think he will tell you the truth if he feels you are truly open to hearing the honest truth. Good luck
I wasn't there, obviously, but I would say, you can't be sure from what you saw.
Just wow!!! No, I've never experienced your situation and feel terrible if what your gut/eyes are telling you is true. I suppose my question would be, "If he is then what"? Are you willing to pack up and leave? Work through things allowing him to be his true self in your relationship? No matter who he is or isn't you have to decide how you are willing to live and what you are willing to accept. You'd hate to find yourself in a good space with him later down the road then out of no where he announces he is leaving and moving in with Johnathan. As you stand with your jaw wide open in an oh shit moment you are going to have to be ready mentally to change gears. Unless investigating his gayness is going to change something take control empower yourself and be the shot caller. You can be setting yourself up for diseases and a miserable life always wondering, questioning and not trusting. It ain't worth it. Let him have his boyfriend it's no worse then him having a girlfriend both equals unfaithful, lying......... It's hard.
It sounds like you are trying to decide if you trust him, and what that would entail.