My Husband Might be Gay

Parent Q&A

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  • Have you found out your husband is gay?

    (6 replies)

    I never noticed anything that obviously pointed to my husband being attracted to the same sex but about a few months ago he started to go to practice with a local sports club and met a guy who he has a lot in common. I was very happy for him since he always expressed that he would like to have someone that he could be comfortable to have good conversations with rather than just hang out and it seems that this spontaneously happened with this guy.

    They started to carpool to practice together and then one day my husband texts me saying that he is on his way home. Practice is about 25mim and 45min later I realized that he wasn’t home and checked his location being a concerned modern wife, thinking of a car accident or something. Then, the location showed that he was already at home. I though he was about to come through the door. Five minutes passed and nothing so I got curious and wanted to check it out but didn’t want to go through the front door so I wouldn’t seem controlling so I checked through the window. The car was on and I though that he was about to come out, a few minutes pass and nothing. I’m about to go back to the leaving room and then the passanger door opened. I thought he would come out but he dd, he puts his hand on top of the roof, like supporting himself to get out of the car but he doesn’t get out. His leg didn’t even come out of the car which I guess it is what we tend to do when we open a door but keep finishing up a conversartion (sorry! Overanalyzing everything at this point). He stayed there for a good 2-3min. I couldn’t see anything because it was very dark and the windowns were tinted but when he opened the door I could clearly see the arm out of the car holding up on the roof and a certain movement because I could see a light showing up on and off because the background light from the neighboor’s home would show on and off. The movement was right under the ‘rear view’ mirror. It couldn’t be his hand moving while talking nor the driver because it was too far ahead. I wasn’t in a view that I was aligned with the front car doors, I was aligned with the rear of the car so i couldn’t see the driver and could only see the passenger because the door was open.

    I froze! I told my brain to go outside to make sure of what i saw was correct but I couldn’t. I just stood there listening and feeling my heart trying to come out through my mouth. I kept saying ‘no no! It can’t be!!’ But there wasn’t another response to that movement. This all last just about 3 eternal minutes. It was dark. So, I am trying to convince myself of something else but I cant.

    He came into the house soon after and I wasn’t gonna say anything but he saw me as pale as a ghost and I had to ask. Of course, he denied. I couldn’t read his body language to see if he was reacting alike he did when lied in the past. We brough it up in therapy with no much help. We practically haven’t spoke since then. We have kids so it isn’t as easy and just get up and go. I’m can’t be 100% sure of this. He is the only person that knows the truth. I don’t know what to do.

    What do you guys think? If you were in that situation would you think what I am thinking? How would you go about to find out the truth? Have you gone through a similiar situation? How was your experience?

    What do you think you saw? Unclear from your description.

    First off, you probably saw what you thought you saw, because later there are often a hundred subtle items that either corroborate or negate your first impression.  I am talking about how he looked when he came into the house, how he behaved over the next minutes, hours, & days, how many small niggling issues from the recent past suddenly fell into place with this explanation.  And of course how he reacted in therapy and with you ever since.  

    I have not had this exact experience, although I have experienced cheating by my ex.   Surely you are reeling and devastated at this time. But I do not want you to feel that you cannot make a healthy family lifestyle change in order to honor your need to be in a monogamous and trusting relationship.  It is so good that you are already in therapy because it provides you with a platform to discuss this.  You may never get him to tell the truth.  It shouldn't affect what you already "know," which I can tell from your post.  My advice is to make plans for the future rather than focussing on "finding out the truth."

    Even though it was probably your plan to stay married to him for the rest of your life, take your time to figure out what steps to take next.  Although this is shocking & sad, you do not have to solve it all immediately.  You & he can both continue to parent your children.  If he is gay, he may be able to live more genuinely than he has ever been able to.  You will be able to mourn your relationship and move on towards health over time.

    This must be so upsetting to you. I have a few questions- have you ever thought he might be gay or bi sexual prior to this?  You do need to trust your gut. If you think you saw a sexual act, you probably did. I would pick a quiet time when the kids are not around and ask him in a calm and non accusatory way- are you having a physical relationship with this man? If he feels you are calm and not judging ( very hard to do I am sure) he might open up. If this does not seem doable I suggest you bring it up again in therapy. I really think he will tell you the truth if he feels you are truly open to hearing the honest truth. Good luck

    I wasn't there, obviously, but I would say, you can't be sure from what you saw.

    Just wow!!! No, I've never experienced your situation and feel terrible if what your gut/eyes are telling you is true. I suppose my question would be, "If he is then what"? Are you willing to pack up and leave? Work through things allowing him to be his true self in your relationship? No matter who he is or isn't you have to decide how you are willing to live and what you are willing to accept. You'd hate to find yourself in a good space with him later down the road then out of no where he announces he is leaving and moving in with Johnathan. As you stand with your jaw wide open in an oh shit moment you are going to have to be ready mentally to change gears. Unless investigating his gayness is going to change something take control empower yourself and be the shot caller. You can be setting yourself up for diseases and a miserable life always wondering, questioning and not trusting. It ain't worth it. Let him have his boyfriend it's no worse then him having a girlfriend both equals unfaithful, lying......... It's hard.

    It sounds like you are trying to decide if you trust him, and what that would entail.

Archived Q&A and Reviews

Husband viewing gay porn

April 2011

Twice in our 11 year marriage, I've caught my husband viewing or searching for gay porn. The first time was after the birth of our first child, almost 9 years ago and we went to counseling, but he didn't bring it up and either did I -- I didn't want to embarrass him. He claimed that he'd just gotten too into online porn and went too far with it. I tried to accept the whole general porn thing, even though it's not my thing. The second time was a little over a year ago, and he was searching while me and our two young kids were in the same room. I just happened to see this when he put his phone down. He refuses to go to counseling. We went on and off for many years with little progress and we went for a session or two after this last event happened, but he dodged the issue and we never got back to it. I went for awhile myself to try to figure out what to do, but I'm still struggling, plus, there's not much progress to be made as a couple without any communication. I don't want to discuss this without a third party because he's very good at twisting things, closing off discussions, and bullying me, and I need someone to call him on his BS so we can get to the bottom of this.

Aside form the sexuality question, he's not a great husband, but I made the commitment and there's no way I'm sharing custody of my kids. I won't bother to go into all the other stuff -- same stuff you hear from many working moms these days about the imbalanced workload and video games and bigger focus on socializing with his friends and whatnot -- but I would at least like to figure out what the reality is around this issue. Getting him to fold towels once in awhile doesn't seem too important if he's not really straight.

So, from you straight guys out there, any reason to watch gay porn? And this is not about whether I can accept a bi husband or whether I have issues around homosexuality. (And I'm not interested in watching porn with him, so please don't suggest that.) I just want to know if other straight men watch gay porn, and if so, why? What's the appeal? Lost

Straight men do not view gay porn. Your husband is most likely gay. What can you do about that? Accept the fact and live your life with him. He's not going to stop looking at it, and quite possibly could be meeting other men. How would you feel then?

Or you can divorce and meet a man who is not gay. If my husband was viewing gay porn, counseling or not, I'd end my marriage. I'd want him to be himself and accept who he is. Good Luck.

he's gay

Hello Lost,

I am writing as a woman who has had a parallel experience. After years of being together, my partner expressed interest in a certain area of gay male porn. I was lucky in that he was willing to tell me about it, but did not expect me (or want me?) to participate in it. As it did not seem to affect our sex life, or emotional intimacy, I did not let it bother me. We only discussed it a few times, and chalked it up to normal curiosity/fantasy life. Certainly my fantasy life includes things I do not want in my real life, so I assume that others may feel the same way. All this said, I have suspected that he went beyond porn and was perhaps not willing to share that with me, when we were together. Again, because I was satisfied with what I was getting from him, this suspicion didn't bother me.

I think its important to focus on whether or not you are satisfied in the relationship, sexually and otherwise. My current partner practically throws tantrums if I expect him to wash the dishes, but we both have willingness to communicate about it and more important things. So I have accepted his limitations as his assets far outweigh his defects.

I hope you hear from many men on this issue, I am interested in their replies.

take care of yourself!

Dear Struggling Wife. First of all I'm very sorry to her about your struggles. But the advice I have to give, I feel may be too lengthy for BPN posts. Given the nature of the advice you seek there are so many aspects and levels to the issue. If you'd like to chat please let me know. I also have a few close friends who are family & marriage therapists who may have some advice for you. I hope I an be of help. angel

Here is what my straight male friend KP has to offer:

Hello. As a straight male, I see no reason whatsoever to watch gay porn, especially if married. But that's just me. People watch porn for different reasons. Some like the visual stimulation, others enjoy the ''National Geographic'' aspect (projecting themselves into the action being depicted), or simply because the viewer is getting something from porn that he or she is not getting elsewhere.  After reading your story a few times, you mentioned that you've other issues with your husband besides the porn viewing. Why is the porn situation the breaking point for you? From KP

Ok, so he bullies you, not a great husband/coparent, refuses to communicate, twists things, and watches gay porn with your kids nearby (that sounds pretty brazen to me). He doesn't sound fearful of getting caught or of the consequences. He probably gaslights you too. Look it up.

You want to know the truth about why he watches gay porn? Why? What will you do with the information?

It sounds pretty moot because you say ''there's no way I'm sharing custody of my kids.'' so you're stuck with a guy who isn't great, watches gay porn, bullies you, doesn't want to go to counseling, cuts you off, disrespects you and the girls, etc. Why care about his true sexual orientation? Just stick your head in the sand and be happy. At least everything looks normal on the outside right? What's wrong with a brokeback mountain marriage? It's better that coparenting and breaking a commitment right?

I was married to a closeted man for 10 years and had 2 children with him. It was a sham and sick charade. Look on Craiglist under ''men for men'' then type in the word ''married'' and you'll see a whole other world. What does your gut say? Trust it. He sounds curious or closeted. There is a yahoo group. They will give you the best advice. Check out wivesofbigayhusbands.

I hope yours isn't a predator (who uses women to look/feel straight -- facade) but I think he probably is -- he actually sounds classic. These guys are like borderline sociopaths. Best wishes. anonymous

Your husband is watching gay porn because he is....into guys. anon

After knowing my husband since I was 17, I discovered (from reading an email he downloaded onto his phone) that he was having a relationship with a man. I confronted him, he denied it and then later admitted it.

So your question is whether your husband is straight but likes to look at gay porn, is bisexual or is gay. I think to answer that you need to look at your sex life which you didn't mention. In my case, the last 10 years of our relationship (in our mid 20s-30s) we had sex once every month but sometimes only once every 3 months--and I normally initiated (I always thought he suffered from low testosterone levels). So, if your husband is viewing gay porn AND you have little to no sex life, I would say that there is a good chance he is gay.

My (ex-)husband did not fit the 'gay' stereotype and if homosexuality was mentioned, he would comment on how disgusting he found it. Many gay men living straight lives often learn from a young age to hide their secret and lie. My ex lied to me on numerous occasions so the level of trust in our relationship was very low.

Now I am in a committed relationship with an amazing guy who *loves* being with me sexually. And my ex is a committed father who has stepped up to the plate with sharing custody.

Since you've already tried couples counseling, I would suggest individual counseling for you. As a last point, if you suspect your husband may be gay, please go see your OB/gyn and get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. My ex swore up and down that he hadn't had sex with any men while we were married but with all of the other lies, I couldn't take him at his word. been there

personally, i read your post and thought ''of course a straight man could be looking at gay porn, i bet my husband has''... but i asked my husband about it and he said he's never looked at gay porn. my husband had a sexual affair with a man once in his past so i figured, while he's basically straight, i would have bet he'd at least have gone there at least once or twice. but he says not. don't know what to tell you. i still think it's possible, though maybe more likely something a bi or gay person would do. anon

I am a straight man and would never view gay porn because not only do I have no interest in it, I find the thought of it a bit repulsive. (Note to all you people out there just chomping at the bit to call me a homophobe, go right ahead. But it is the way I feel and no amount of PC baloney is going to change that). Furthermore, in my experience I think most straight men feel pretty much the same way. If your husband is viewing gay porn then he is interested. Nothing wrong with that but it does put you in a spot. Sean


Your husband is not straight. And his behaviors may have escalated beyond porn.

My son's father is a porn addict, I tried to get him to do the program on - I did the partner's workshop which helped me clarify things. I finally left him when a reconciliation seemed impossible after he cheated on me (with someone he didn't even like). He escalated from porn, to personals, to cheating very rapidly.

''he's not a great husband, but I made the commitment and there's no way I'm sharing custody of my kids. '' I hope you reconsider this statement. I wish I left my ex years ago. I'm so happy now - I have a boyfriend, I'm not mad about the housework anymore, I'm not looking over his shoulder wondering what he's up to, or checking the bank statements wondering where the money went. My kid is 100 times happier living in a house with a happy mom. I'm assuming he's happy at his dad's house, I can't control that, but when he's with me we have more fun than we ever did as a family.

You are facing a tough road ahead, there is more to his behavior than meets the eye, but my advice to you is to cut your losses and build a new life without him. If he's not willing to change, you'll have to. Recovered from the porn addict

It sounds like this porn thing is the least of your issues with your husband and he might not want to or be able to explain it because he may not understand it either.

We live in a world of this or that: male or female, gay or straight, etc. When we find something living in the gray area, we are uncomfortable because it contradicts these very basic either/or's that we use to interpret the world. For example, when we see an ambiguously gendered person, we become really intent on ''figuring them out.''

I invite you to consider the gray area. Some people are born both male and female, we are complicated beings, and sexuality is so complicated, personal and individual, that rigid ideas of gay and straight really are meaningless.

It seems to me that searching for an explanation for his enjoyment of gay porn is a pretty futile persuit. A voice from the gray area

Ha! all the responses to this are totally narrow minded! I'm a 40 year old woman and i have checked out gay porn a few times...SO what? Fantasy and reality are not the same thing! Women who have rape fantasies don't necessarily want to be raped either...... open mind?

Don't let yourself be bullied into thinking that it's narrow minded to worry about your husband watching gay porn with your kids around. Being against pornography addiction is not narrow minded... it can become an addiction just like food or booze.

Prior to living with a porn addict, I was very porn positive... I checked out all kinds of porn including gay porn. That's *very* different than someone obsessively viewing pornography, hiding it from their spouse. Sexual deception in any form is a dangerous element in a relationship - whether it's being in the closet, being addicted to porn, having an affair, or living out a fetish unknown to their spouse. It's not narrow minded to want honesty in a relationship. Anti-porn, but sex positive!