Any experience with dealing with difficult family dynamics?
Do you have any advice on repairing relationships between adult siblings who have gone in different directions? Within the adult siblings, there is a small clique who seem to feel that they are far above the others with their parenting and expensive holistic lifestyles. While I always imagined that our children (cousins) would get along great and "grow up together" since most live close, that hasn't proven to be the case. And maybe I am being unrealistic, since the clique seems to be happy with the exclusiveness of their relationship. In other words, they have everything they need and seem as though they would rather not make the effort to change the damaged relationships within the adult sib group that have occurred over the last 3 years.
The other sibs have taken various approaches, including finding friends to create their own "families." But it seems so sad and dysfunctional to have a group within a family who seem to relish that they are "superior" to their siblings.
Thank you for your insights & advice.
Parent Replies
My husband has 5 siblings and he is close with only one of them. He tolerates two of them, and is downright estranged from the other two, for complicated reasons with fault on both sides (in my opinion, although my husband would not agree). The mantra that you can't change other people, you can only change yourself, definitely applies to this situation, so really think about if there is anything you can do about YOURSELF that might help improve things. I note that it sounds like you don't like the siblings in the "clique" so it isn't surprising that they are not reaching out to you. I would also try to separate your two goals - repairing the relations with these adults being one goal, and the other goal being to help your kids to have good relationships with their cousins. You don't need to be tight with the parents in order for the kids to get along. My son, for example, is now pretty close with the son of one of the siblings my husband barely speaks to.
And back to the adults - is there anyone in the family who might be able to give you a different perspective on the situation?
I had a big fight with my sister awhile back, but I wanted the cousins to be grow up together. So I would host cousin outings and sleepovers without the parents. Over the years, tensions with my sister have dissipated and the cousins have many fond memories.
Maybe you did something to offend them. You could ask them what you could do to improve relations. Are you willing to apologize. It is impossible to be friends with someone who doesn't want to be friends with you. If they don't want anything to do with the poor relatives, you will just have to accept that.
I think that different families require different solutions. However, family counseling can sometimes work wonders. I have been really happy with the counseling my family received at Blue Oak Therapy.
http://blueoaktherapycenter.org/
Good luck!
Henry
I agree with what Iris had to say: "Maybe you did something to offend them. You could ask them what you could do to improve relations. Are you willing to apologize? It is impossible to be friends with someone who doesn't want to be friends with you. If they don't want anything to do with the poor relatives, you will just have to accept that."
Sadly, I have similar experience with adult siblings. (One of them is by nature just immeasurably superior to the rest of us, and another found religion and has now also become superior.) I'm not assuming you did or said anything offensive, just that it was perceived that way. I found with the two "unreasonable" siblings and my teenage daughter--unreasonable by definition much of the time--that it usually helped to say something like, "I really regret say/doing ________. I didn't mean to offend you. How can I make things better?" This is not an apology per se, but it helped my daughter in particular to save face, and gave her an opportunity to vent. Good luck. (By the way, are you a younger/youngest sibling? Birth order usually plays a role as well.)
Relationships with siblings are the most complicated and long lasting. I have three siblings. I did not speak to the youngest for several years, which was her doing completely. She came to her senses after about three years and apologized. I still don't completely understand it, but I'm guessing some of it had to do with her not being married at the ago of 40 and possibly resenting the life I have chosen (happily married with three kids.) The whole thing upset me a lot because she basically cut herself off during this time from my kids (her niece and nephews), whom she adores. My husband and I also have been extremely helpful and generous to her over the years in so many ways. Her relationship with our parents could be the root cause, but I'll never know for sure.
I think a lot of tension among siblings stems from how their parents treated them growing up and if the parents showed obvious favoritism. I also think adults' relationship with their parents can affect their other relationships. If your siblings have a strong and unhealthy attachment to a parent (co-dependency), that can wreak havoc on family relations. My husband is estranged from his brother, and the reason is that his mother coddled the brother and made excuses for his irresponsible behavior his whole life.
My point is that I might try to look at your siblings' relationship with your parents for clues. Finding close friends to be with can be a healthy substitute for unhappy family gatherings done only out of duty.