Adult skills camp/program for 18 yo who has no independent skills
My son is a senior in HS and just turning 18 soon. He has very little skills for independent living. Yes that is my fault, although I have tried a lot over the years. He has a pretty bad case of ADHD and was dx on the spectrum and he seems to live in a constant state of confusion and chaos. In addition, he was late in all self-care items, he strenuously resisted potty training (not accomplished until 6 - yes he was boarder line special needs and we lived overseers where school didn't start until age 6), or dressing self, and even now showering is a fight to get that done 2x a week but usually just 1x. If you have a typical kid, this may be difficult for you to understand. On the other hand, he has good friends, and a nice girlfriend so he's doing great compared to what we first thought his life might be like when he was younger and had much more severe language and stim issues.
I am beginning to worry about his lack of life skills. Even the most basic things such as to shut our house front door when he comes home, he forgets, he has left the door wide open many times (we live in an area this could be dangerous) and i only notice when I feel a breeze or hear loud outside sounds. Sometimes it has been open like that for over an hour. When he leaves the house when I'm not home, he rarely remembers to lock the door, the lights and TV are on. When he cooks a snack, he leaves the burners on (so he's not safe) and has no concept of how to clean as you go etc or do his laundry, to manage money etc.
Since he was young, I have tried showing him how to do these things and tried to make them fun but nothing registers. The problem is that it has now become a source of conflict with us and we already have a lot of conflict over getting him to do his homework etc.
I was thinking some sort of camp or program for kids like this. Maybe not this year, but he can take next year off before college. He actually went to a pretty rigorous outdoor challenge camp this summer, and thrived, but what we need is more mundane daily living stuff. I have pushed really hard in the past to force him to be more responsible but it really creates bad feelings and we already have difficulties so I thought for both our sanity, maybe there is something else out there. Yes I guess I'd like to outsource this problem and it needs to be something organized enough to actually instill new habits.
Does anyone know of a camp or live-in program like this? Or have other ideas? Again if you have a more typical kid, you won't understand this type of kid. I find it very hard too as I had huge family responsibilities starting at age 9 and didn't see that as a big deal. I'm afraid he'll end up being on of those kids living in our basement at 27 or he'll burn the house down. A failure-to-launch kid in the making for sure.
Parent Replies
Hi, I have a child who has some of these challenges. They are currently meeting with a coach from Classroom Matters twice a week to work on executive functioning skills. Although it's not quick, we are seeing significant improvement. Classroom Matters seems willing to work on more than just classroom skills.
https://www.classroommatters.com/
Hello dear mom. I'm sorry about this situation for you --- and for your son. Have you ever had him evaluated by the Regional Center? I have a disabled
adult son--disabled from birth. Intellectual impairment, PTSD, OCD, seizures--as well as bipolar. I know about the Regional Center in Texas (for when he was
in need) by contrast, the one here is outstanding (from what I read & others report). From what you've told us, I would say this is a situation greater than 'failure
to thrive." All the best. https://rceb.org/clients/list-service-providers/
I so relate to this. My kid, also 18, has ADHD. They have graduated from high school. They chose not to go to college, and they have a part-time job, but the basic skills such as remembering the house key, closing the door,, making the bed, and planning transportation needs are still a struggle. When I bring up questions About future plans, my child shuts down completely. Walks away. Doesn’t want to talk. So, I am very interested to hear the replies to your question. You are not alone.
You have gotten some good responses. Your child is neurodiverse, ASD in particular is considered a disability. I have a late dxd child with ASD and I have learned that I can't really compare a young adult with ASD with myself or a neurotypical person their age. They tend to have very uneven development. My son is great academically but does not drive or do some other things independently. I agree that the regional center could be helpful and/or executive skills coaching. There is a google group that also meets on zoom and the next one is about helping young adults gain independence. The group is asnld-parent-support search for it on google groups and you will find a wealth of information! It really takes a shift in mindset as a parent but there is support out there. It's not your fault at all! Feel free to reach out if you think I can be of help to you. I have gotten lots of help from other parents of ASD teens and am happy to pass it along.
Hello. Don't blame yourself! Kids are all so different and getting some of them safely through life is a huge accomplishment. You're wise not to not inject too much conflict into your relationship.
My daughter is in her last year of high school . Some of her issues are similar and some very different, but she is similarly unprepared. Her school is going to be providing me with some recommendations for programs that might help. I can send them along to you if you PM me.
Hi, your post made me think of this program: https://www.gembaprogram.org/
I do not have personal experience with it however 2 of the directors came from a therapeutic boarding school our son was at for 2 years. (Cherry Gulch outside of Boise) and we greatly admire and respect both. Check it out and good luck to you and your son.
Hi there,
similar situation in my house. Son; 19 yo, ASD, DD, lacks executive functioning skills. He’s out of high school and has job. But …. I’m constantly working with him on skills and personal hygiene. He’s able to do many household chores, with prodding. Does laundry mostly so he care ware his favorite clothes, dishes 4 times a week. But forget money management or any type of form/paperwork for job or life. That is my biggest concern; always having to fill out forms, applications, follow up on “life” matters. He’ll do it with me near and coaching.
I finally let go of stressing about done things (dirty room, clothes on chair, papers everywhere) and focus first on those skills so he can achieve at home. ( I did go in this weekend yo do a semi deep clean but touched nothing personal.) You might want to start small with him doing dishes or vacuuming. And pay him for this. Add more chores once’s he’s doing this on a regular basis.
Put a checklist on the front door so before he leaves he’s reminded of what he needs (ID, keys, etc) and to lock the door. Or install a keypad lock if you don’t have to enter a code to lock it. Have a place by front door for keys and face masks.
An executive function coach could help. Let him say what he feels he needs help on and you share what you think he needs. Then create a curriculum He will commit to. And it might take more than a year so you might need to rethink college and/or his moving out. Dorms are full of students who have no abilities to do basic chores. So a dirty room is nothing but not bathing, locking his door or spending money they don’t have or being scammed is real. And he’ll become a target. Don’t want that to happen to him.
if you want a place for him to attend, Meristem near Sacramento is for young adults on the spectrum. They have day and boarding students. It’s expensive but the regional center will pay a decent portion of the fees. I’m considering it for my young adult.
Good luck and I hope you both can come together. He has abilities that need to be drawn out more. Having ASD, ADHD and DD can be a daunting but keep working on small successes.
Mom working on launching her son.
Star Academy in Marin has this kind of program. I don't have personal experience with it or Star Academy, but I've heard wonderful things.
You could check this out: https://www.inventivelabs.org For people with ADHD, with a focus on entrepreneur stuff (which is a talent of some ADHD people). They paired our friend's kid up with another young man in an apartment, and they had to learn to sweep the floor and shop for groceries etc. Unfortunately, Covid cut it short.
Maybe an ADHD coach could help. Someone over the years told my son to use the Reminders feature on his iPhone, and he does use that. Once I told my son to turn off the oven when the timer buzzes. I came home to a burnt-to-a-crisp dinner--he told me he heard the buzzer and knew he was supposed to do something, but he forgot what. Now he is at college and he does his laundry. The dorm has security keys and self-closing doors. He still doesn't cook. He is trying to be organized, and he took only a small amount of clothes with him so it couldn't turn into a mountain of dirty clothes. It was very hard to see the chaos, but good to see the improvement over the years. Your son has you and his friends and that is a blessing! I wish you both the best!