Twins and School
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Twins in school - together or separate?
Jan 2001
My twin daughters will be entering kindergarten in the fall, so we are about to face the familiar dilemma: together or apart? The school they will probably be attending has two classes per grade, so we do have the choice of separating them. They are fraternal twins who look nothing alike. They're pretty good friends, though they do their share of fighting... One is going through a very competitive, dominating stage where she always has to be the first, the highest, the biggest, the oldest etc. The other says she would like to be in separate rooms. Right now they're at a preschool with a total of 20 kids, and they're together. Has anyone had a similar experience? Any thoughts? Thanks. Iris
My cousin's twins were in separate classes when they started school. The boy flourished at this time. The girl was always outgoing and made friends easily and the boy sort of depended on her for the friends and often was left out. He now has his own friends and is much more self confident. June
My fraternal twins are now nearly 14. A girl and boy. We tried to listen to what they wanted in terms of separation, and togetherness. They really wanted to be together, even though they fought and played together.
I observed that their response to other children was markedly different than that of singletons. As twins, they have had a partner since they were womb-mates. They know what intimacy is. That's one of the reasons they fight and love so strongly, and the relationship is so vivid. When they reach out to other children, they don't get the intimacy and intensity, the connection, that they expect, and the tendency is to return to the other twin for comfort. But this wanes. Some twins are so close that to separate them would be like forcing a happily married couple to divorce. Some need that extra push to learn the world of the other.
In any event, there is no harm in starting them out together and seeing how it works, while getting their feedback and the teachers'. There is no rush to separate them, is there? Developmentally, there is no time table that specifically demands you keep those kids apart so they don't become conjoined. If in the same class, you'll be able to evaluate the situation, and make changes if necessary. The reverse would be harder on everyone. Tobie
I am a fraternal twin who was not separated in the classroom until the fourth grade. Looking back, not separating us was a huge mistake. Both of us suffered in different ways. My twin was not quite academically ready for school (we were Nov. babies) and developed a pattern of copying me and not really thinking things through for himself. This was very subtle and not noticed until we changed schools and their policy was to separate twins. By that time he was significantly behind. His self-esteem fell dramatically as he began to fail at schoolwork and even now as an adult has complex failure issues.
Though I always was a more assertive person, I did not learn how to make friends on my own. My twin was my best friend and we were always together so I didn't need to make new friends. I really missed out on the basics of making friends. By the time we got separated, I was hopelessly behind socially and withdrew from my peers because I felt like such a dweeb.
My twin and I share some attributes- mostly in personality, not looks- and everyone assumed that we operated as a unit and therefore felt and experienced the same things. This was detrimental to us both. It is much more difficult for a twin to figure out who they are as an individual. An I rather that a we. Being in the same classroom compounded that problem. Personally, I would never even consider not separating twins in school. Helene
Children must be 5 years old when they start in OUSD so it sounds like they aren't eligible for K anyway and this may be a moot point. The transition may actually go smoother if you separate them (after an expected initial tough transition) but generally, no, you don't have a say in which classroom/teacher they are placed with.
There's no formal policy that I'm aware of, and I know families who have done it both ways--once you are assigned to a school, just talk to the principal about it. You might also consider TK since it sounds like your kids have late August birthdays--OUSD allows you to choose which to apply for, though you can only go into the lottery for one of the two grades. Most schools only have one TK class, so they'd definitely be in the same class then, and it might be a good developmental fit if you're concerned about the transition to elementary.
hi! Just responding because we also have twins around the same age. Our twins have mid August birthdays and turned 5 this year. We decided to put them in TK this year (which OUSD allows for kids near the cut off) so that we could keep them together while they adjusted to big kid school and then separate them in Kindergarten. So far it's been a great decision and they will be MUCH more ready for it next year. I thought being young for their grade, going to a new school and being separated was too much at once.
I'm sorry that not writing with an answer for you, but rather a question - how will your kids start K if they are 4?? I have a 4 year old who turns five right after the cut-off and have been told that they will not be able to go to Kindergarten until the following year. Feel free to PM me - and I hope someone more knowledgable answers your post!
My son is in TK with OUSD and there is a set of twins in his class. I don't know if it's because there is just one TK classroom at the school but you might call the schools you're interested and ask what they usually do.
Just to clarify for folks, since ages came up. It is very possible to start K in OUSD at 4 since the birthday cut off is Sept. 1 and school usually starts in the first full week of August. My child would have been a 4 year old starting K because of his mid-August birthday but thankfully there was room for him in a TK class, which was a better fit for him educationally and developmentally. I do think they are fairly strict about the 4 year olds with birthdays after the September cut off starting K though. They are often willing to hold kids back, but not move them up.
Years ago I faced a similar situation with my identical twin girls in Redwood City. I asked that they be kept together for kindergarten and first grades, which was fine. It made my life much easier (especially because they had two older brothers in different classes). Then we moved, to Alameda and they continued to attend second grade together. Third grade came around, and they had had it with each other and were so happy to be in different classes! I don't think it caused any harm for them to be together, and they let me know when it was time to be apart.
They are now 23 years old, responsible young ladies with jobs. They share an apartment and spend a lot of time together, but also function separately.
I am also a twin myself, and my two cents is that it depends on their relationship. If they want to be apart that should be supported, but to this day, I am so glad to have my twin to talk with. We live in different cities and work in different fields. I am married with kids and she is not. We talk daily.
There is no one right answer, and hopefully the school will understand and support this.