The Parent Community at Public Schools

Parent Q&A

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  • Parents badmouthing school

    Sep 23, 2022

    My kids attend a wonderful district elementary school in the East Bay. While the school has the same sorts of problems that lots of schools are experiencing right now, like a challenging hiring environment and the lingering disparities in what kids managed to learn during the "COVID years," the school leadership is amazing and committed and I think we're lucky to be there.

    The student body has been both racially and socioeconomically diverse for several years, but we seem to have hit some tipping point this year. The clear majority of students in the younger grades are white and coming from the rapidly gentrifying neighborhood, which is to say their parents can afford $1M+ homes. Of course parents whose kids are younger are the ones who volunteer for the PTA, etc., and are very gung-ho about getting involved. The problem is that this particular cohort seems intent on tearing apart what we have and "making it better." One person has posted on Facebook that the school is really "turning around," which is incredibly insulting to those families who have been part of this school for a long time. They want the after-school program to stop distributing unhealthy boxed snacks, which for some kids is their evening meal. There's a contingent who wants to offer teachers cash bonuses to come to our school--effectively under the table poaching educators from other district schools. Someone recently suggested that we fundraise by asking neighbors for money, messaging that their property values will increase if the neighborhood school is "better." These parents are congregating at drop-off, pick-up and at school events, criticizing how the school is run.

    I am a white parent in the neighborhood myself. Increasing property values are devastating to many of the families within our school community. Our school is extraordinarily well-resourced; we have a PTA that pays for enrichment activities, an after-school program that is free to all families and a committed teacher community. We are incredibly fortunate.

    My question is this: How can I contribute to shifting the tone of the parent community back to a focus on equity and inclusion--or at least taking the time to listen to other families? A few years ago it felt like people in my demographic were all listening to Nice White Parents and, later, reading Learning In Public. Our society is not at all integrated; I think both lay out principles of moral responsibility in an environment that is probably most parents' first (and, TBH, likely last) experience with integration. I'm hoping this community can give me advice on how to start turning this conversation around--it feels like swimming uphill and I'm an introvert. 

    I would recommend starting by talking to the PTA president about your concerns. See if they share your concerns and can brainstorm ways to raise this with the school community. Perhaps you can do a presentation at a PTA meeting. Perhaps the school principal can be engaged. Consider ways to center the views and needs of families that are being dismissed and overlooked by wealthier parents. Thank you for recognizing this problem and best of luck in addressing it. 

    You could almost be describing my children's public school and I wouldn't be surprised if this is an issue across other Bay Area public schools located in neighborhoods that have been gentrified. I commend you for noticing and wanting to shift the tone, and I'd be curious to hear what others have to say. I have a few thoughts though: firstly, have you inquired with or looked at your school's PTA board to see if the PTA leadership have a similar condescending view or are they also cognizant of the offensive tone these newer parents haven taken on (I assume the PTA is the one doing the fundraising and would therefore be leading or at the very least, guiding/monitoring such discussions)? Or maybe this younger cohort of parents are in PTA leadership roles, in which case, YIKES!  Secondly, as this isn't something that you should tackle alone (hopefully, there are others who've noticed what you've highlighted), I'd encourage you to bring it up with the principal. You mentioned the school leadership is amazing and committed so they can't be blind to what's been happening and may have a few thoughts as well. Also, does your school have a Diversity, Equity & Inclusion (DEI) parent group or something of this nature? If so, maybe you can inquire with them? Essentially, I'm encouraging you to seek out others who hold similar concerns so that you can come together to see what can be done. 

    So it sounds like your concerns are that (1) some parents want to stop distributing "unhealthy boxed snacks" in the after school program; (2) some parents want to offer cash bonuses to attract new teachers and (3) some parents want to encourage donations to the school by telling adjacent homeowners that those funds would improve the school. Your post uses terms like "poaching" that make these activities sound nefarious. I think these perceptions might be a little harsh. Some might think, for example, that parents who know that some children consume snacks as an evening meal have a moral responsibility to advocate that more nutritious snack food be distributed by the after school program.

    How could you know whether "most parents" at the school have lived in integrated areas before or whether it is "likely" that they will not have further "experience with integration?" You are also concerned that these parents "congregate" at drop off, pick up, and school events and express their own opinions about how their children's school is run. How do you suppose the school authorities could put a stop to that? 

    Maybe the problem is that you are making unfair assumptions about parents with whom you disagree. 

    I hear you on the introvert part, but at the same time, it's important to be a voice where others more directly impacted by this shift may not have the time and space to speak up. Maybe start by hanging out with the group so you can naturally join in on the conversations as they happen, and redirect them to ask the difficult questions.  Casually bring up the premise of what happened in Nice White Parents if they don't already know the story and inquire whether or not they want to be contributing to creating the same dynamic in Oakland, which is already happening.  The idea of doing anything that increases property values in communities that are already unattainable to born-and-raised Oaklanders is tone deaf and colonial mentality (see recent Oaklandside article: https://oaklandside.org/2022/10/06/oakland-housing-market-affordable-li… ).  People don't like being called on their s%$* and you'll likely receive some backlash, but you've got to develop a thicker skin and keep pushing, even if it's an uphill battle.  I'm rooting for you!

    I empathize with you because I was in a similar place with my child's school not that long ago.  I am also white, but my son is mixed race, and his school is very diverse racially and socio-economically.  I started to notice that many of the activities at the school (especially events hosted by the PTA) were exclusive to only families that could afford to pay a certain amount, which left out many.  I stay quiet for a while and simmered, not wanting to rock the boat BUT that was not the right thing to do.  This kind of thing is lingering just below the surface.  I started to get involved in the school and the PTA.  I started to slowly talk to more parents about my concerns and guess what?  So many people had the same thoughts too!  It took some time, but we now have open conversations about topics like this and things are shifting.  The school staff is more aware and even the composition of the PTA has changed and become more inclusive.  I know it probably seems daunting, especially as an introvert but just start by doing something little.  Volunteer in your child's classroom or at an event or hang around for parent chat one day after drop off.  Slowly start becoming friendly with others and have an opinion on what's going on. If others don't feel the same way as you, at least you are putting it out there and they are thinking about it.  The word will spread and that's what you want to happen.  I wish you the best of luck...I know this isn't easy!

  • Principal plays favoritism

    Aug 13, 2021

    Hi, parents. I feel our principle is unfair. In general, he always play favoritism to those active PTA members’ kids and kids from doctors’ / professors’ family. My kids are always left behind. 
    What can I do?

    I'm curious as to how a Principal could possibly play favorites - what can a Principal do, for a child or family, that would exhibit favoritism? Is this a private school? Our (public school) principal makes no decisions which would impact certain children over others. All their decisions and actions are at a school-wide level. Perhaps if you rephrase your question or add more details, the advice of the community might be able to target the issue. 

    Hello, I'm sorry you're experiencing that. In what ways are your kids left behind? If it is subtle, like the principal greets those kids by name with enthusiasm but not yours, it might just be that those parents have taken time to get to know the principal and so he happens to know their kids names. In that case you could just make an effort to get to know the principal or help the school in some way (active PTA might be too much time commitment, but one-time volunteering for special event or attending a PTA meeting, or just introducing yourself and your kid and saying hi). If the favoritism is more pronounced, like your kids aren't getting selected for things, you might meet with the principal and ask why. But you will likely have better luck (and better outcomes for your kiddos) if you ask in a way that you are truly open to the answer, as it may not be what you think. Asking in an open minded way and sharing the way you have been feeling might create a nice conversation with the principal. If there is clear discrimination going on, and the principal is just defensive, then you could always take your concerns to the superintendent. But in that case be sure you have specific examples written down with the facts. 

    I believe you, but I think there is very little you can do.  One single parent has no real power against a principal (unless an actual law or policy is being broken, such as discrimination against a particular religious group for example).  

Archived Q&A and Reviews


How can we increase participation at PTA meetings?

Nov 2008

Hi, I'm not sure if this question is best for the advice list or the schools list but i'll start here... Our wonderful oakland public school has lots of parent involvement but our PTA meetings have very low attendance. We're trying to get more folks out and for some reason we're having a hard time. I'm looking for some feedback on how other ptas conduct their meetings... Do you have board meetings separate from general pta meetings? Do you combine them? Are there any schools out there with some great ideas on how to get parents out? We've tried providing childcare, lectures, dinner but nothing is really sticking. Thanks in advance for your tips! anon



I am a 2nd year PTA President and I used to worry about this. Now I think small meetings are a blessing, depending on who shows up. If people are showing up because they want to be involved and want to support the group, it's great. However, sometimes folks show up who want to stir the pot and/or vent about stuff that bores/irritates the rest of the parents. Unfortunately, some parents can be quite negative and hypercritical. I'm not sure they realize how they sound to others.

If you are not getting a quorum to do business, that is a problem. One suggestion is to take each of your board members aside and explain to them why it's important to be able to do PTA business at meetings. Also, your teacher rep (if you have one) and your principal can cast votes too.

I think separate board meetings are important so the entire group doesn't feel obliged to approve the specific language in contracts, develop/evaluate programs, or craft the budget. That's really the board's role because they have the big picture of what the needs are, how much money you have raised or plan to raise to support the programs, and whether it's realistic to implement something given the number of active volunteers you have.

You can also try the following:

-ask various program coordinators and committee chairs to give quick ''updates''. If someone sees their name on the agenda, they are more likely to show up. -publish the agenda before the meeting and keep the meetings as short as possible. Parents have short attention spans.

-remind people ''in person'' or via phone call to come on the day of the meeting. Sometimes busy parents just forget. 

PTA mom



That's always a challenge. We've tried different things at our Berkeley elementary school and at one meeting had over 100 people show up! Generally, though, it's around 40-50. There are 300 families at our school all-told.

We jump-started the process by paying a teacher from each grade to attend the first annual PTA meeting. Each teacher led a break-out group of grade-level parents. The principal gave the keynote presentation explaining the direction of the school. We made sure the meeting was well organized, engaging, informative, and participatory. By paying teachers, we also had them call all the parents in their class to invite them to the meeting. It worked!

Once we broke the barrier and got people to experience a PTA meeting, as long as we kept meeting topics relevant and meetings participatory and well-executed, people kept coming back. PTA meetings that involve the minutia of planning events kill the energy, though some of that is necessary and can be fun.

There always need to be a draw, though. It's even good to have at least one annual meeting with no business. One year that meeting was with a speaker who presented on discipline skills and methods. Another year it was a speaker presenting a film and facilitating a discussion on race issues. Both were very well attended, very well received, and kept PTA participation high.

Our executive board meetings are always separate. By following the PTA by-laws, we realized we needed to add the principal, a teacher liaison (a teacher), and a Parliamentarian to our board. Those additions have also made a huge difference! Hope this helps. Good luck! Anon, former PTA president



You might start by trying to figure out why people aren't coming to the meetings. Is it lack of interest? transportation issues? safety concerns? not enough publicity? work schedules? Once you can identify the barrier(s) to participation, you can start to take steps to address them.

Personal outreach in general is the most effective engagement tool. If your school has room parents, try having each room parent personally reach out to other parents in their class at drop off and pick up, or make phone calls about the meetings. Advertise widely. Send home flyers, put up posters, have an 'auto-call' go out to all the households. If your school has significant non-English speaking populations make sure you are doing outreach in other languages and providing translation. You might rotate the time of day the meetings occur (alternate between day and evening to accommodate different schedules). If you have a core group of people who come, have each one of those people recruit additional parents to come with them. In other words, use the base of participation you have, and build upon it. Often people on the ''inside'' of the PTA can feel like martyrs, a few doing all the work. While people on the ''outside'' may not be clear on what is needed, how to engage, or why it is important.

I'm happy to talk through other ideas, if that would be helpful. Good luck! Abby



I missed your original post, so apologies if you're already doing this. Our PTA meetings are very well attended and I can tell you that one of the primary reasons I go and participate is because our PTA provides free childcare at the meetings (for kids who are potty trained). They hire a few sitters and a couple of parents and they feed the kids pizza. My kids actually look forward to going each month because they know they'll have a good time with their friends. Happy PTA participant