Unwanted Attention from Other Adults
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How to get this guy to leave me alone on my 30-minute walk commute?
Oct 2014
I'm an Oakland mom in my mid-30s and my commute to work is a 30-minute walk along Broadway from my home near Pill Hill to my office downtown. I love my walk but recently have been getting some unwanted attention that's making me contemplate taking the bus (ugh) and would love some advice from BPN.
About a month ago, I was on my way home when a guy who was also clearly commuting home asked me about the free Broadway shuttle schedule. I told him that it comes about every ten minutes but it's usually faster to just walk and then went on my way. The next day, the same guy caught up to me and introduced himself and politely chatted for a few blocks - long enough for me to drop that I am married with two small children (so, hence, unavailable). I was pretty businesslike, and I figured that would be the end of that.
It turns out that he lives two blocks away from me (he doesn't know exactly where I live) and works three blocks south of me, and in the weeks that have followed it's happened several times that he catches up to me at some point on my walk and chats until we get to where he turns off. I wouldn't mind this at all if he were interesting to talk to, but he is dumb as a brick (and also not at all cute--I think I'd be flattered and appreciate the attention from someone more attractive). I don't feel at all threatened or even like he is being inappropriate since he clearly just wants to talk and seems a little lonely - I just don't really like him in any way and don't get anything out of talking to him. He's younger and childless and definitely not someone I'd be friends with.
Obviously there are some avoidance strategies like pretending I'm on the phone every single time, but does anyone have any better suggestions for how to get this guy to leave me alone? Taking side streets would add enough time to my commute that I'd feel really resentful doing it, and I'm loathe to deal with the extra expense and pointless waiting of taking a bus for only 15 blocks. Want my walk back
Hopefully this can be an easy fix. If you were a public transit commuter you'd know this trick, but wear headphones every day. Maybe even get some big ones (vs the kind that go in your ear). Then, if he tries to talk to you, just purely say that your commute is your chance to relax, gear up for your day, and have a break from work and the kids and you really just want to listen to to your music. Unless he's very inappropriate, that should solve things and I'd hope he'd stop trying to catch up to you. Good luck
Ugh. What a tough situation. Have you tried using headphones? Perhaps the big, obvious ones will be enough of a sign to leave you alone, or you can at least ignore him. If he insists on talking anyway, perhaps a polite ''I'm sorry but I don't feel like talking right now'' will suffice? Feel your pain
Whenever I can't get things done at work because people are bothering me about trivial crap, I wear large headphones (not earbuds). I plug them in to my pocket not even bothering listening to music much of the time. I think walking in Oakland with loud music playing on headphones is actually a little dangerous - you need to keep your senses unimpeded, so I recommend quiet music or faking it. Works like a charm for me. Maybe add sunglasses so you can pretend you didn't see him. Or leave 10 minutes earlier. Good luck headphone faker
I tend to be very non-confrontational, so maybe just start wearing earbuds like you're listening to something? And then when he tries to chat you up, you can say something like, ''oh, sorry, I just started this great book on tape, I can't stop listening, it's so good. See ya later.'' And then do this all the time and hope he takes the hint. I'm sure you'll get lots of people telling you to be direct, but maybe this can be a good first attempt at getting your nice walk back. Maybe he'll find someone else to bother. Passive Agressive
It seems like you have contemplated every strategy except the obvious -- telling him clearly what you want.
''Hi. I know we walk the same route sometimes, and talking to you is lovely, but I need to use my commute to work to plan the many tasks of my work day, and on the way home to review the day and plan for the next, so I'd really prefer to walk alone. Nothing personal, but I've found that if I spend the time talking, I end up arriving to work unprepared. Also, with a busy work day and two kids at home, it's really the only time I have to be alone with my thoughts. I'm sure you understand.'' You can say what you want without being hurtful
What a bummer! I get what you mean! You don't want to be rude but... I would bring music to listen to. Or you can just put on head phones and make believe that you are on a call and put 1 finger up and point at the head phones when he walks up. Let him know you have extra work to do; conference calls, meetings, must listen to reports from boss every morning now. You can also go to an earlier bus? Lastly, you can say your husband does not feel comfortable with you walking with a man, he's the jealous type!! Ha! I don't know! Good Luck! j.
Sometimes telling the truth is the best way to deal with something. As a friend of mine said, ''just deliver it gently''. You might let him know that you are doing a version of walking meditation and that you value your time to reflect and set your day. Appreciate his kindness, and request a quiet walk to work. If delivered with compassion, this should do the trick. Julie G
You could explain to him that as a wife and a mom, this is your ''me'' time and you need it to relax and just be with yourself. Maybe use your earbuds and listen to some music or meditation, at least til he gets it. It might take him a while, however, he should eventually get the point. Or you could just tell your husband and he could speak to him, that should get the point across with no doubt in the guys mind and I'm certain he will never bother you again. I know if I told my fiance, he would be more than happy to have a word with the guy if he didn't leave me alone. Ecla
How about an I-pod and some REALLY big Bose earphones? I have to say as someone whose commute takes 1.5 hours down the 880 and 2 hours back up the 880, that your commute sounds HEAVENLY to me, unwanted attention or no. wishing I could walk
I suggest varying the time you leave for work and leave for home so it is harder for him to find you on your walk. But I also suggest compassion. If you don't like him, probably no one else does either. His time spent with you may be precious to him. It could be the only time he spends with a friendly human. Perhaps you can teach him to read the news, watch current movies or develop a hobby so that he has something interesting to say. Consider it your good deed for the day to help this man become a better person. Anon
I had a similar experience with a guy who took the same bike commute route as me. It wasn't quite as bad because he would only talk to me when we were stopped at lights, but it was irritating. I never figured out how to get him to leave me alone. If I were walking, I'd just put on headphones. You don't even have to listen to anything. If he still tries to talk to you, you could say that you're listening to a book on tape, or trying to learn another language or something and your walk is the only time you have to listen. anonymous
You don't seem to have any reservations about dismissing this person as a non-entity, so why not have the courage of your convictions and just tell the guy not to bother you? I don't get the problem
Based on what you have written, I'd suspect that this situation would not lend itself to a direct approach. In a similar situation, I once told the guy: ''I don't want to interact with you.'' That made him mad. Fortunately, I never saw him again. But weird guys who can't get a date are more likely to be armed these days...
So there are a number of strategies that you might employ, one at a time or in combination.
- You could vary your time of departure every day.
- You could take different routes in random sequence - another evasion technique, but the situation you are trying to avoid.
- You could borrow a large, hairy young man to walk along with you. I am thinking of my 25-year old unemployed son, who is always willing to do urban walkabout for exercise. Ask the moderator for my contact info if you want to take me up on this. A few glimpses of my son should scare off your Lothario.
It cannot be ruled out that this man who is working his way up to hitting on you has some sort of Asperger's-like social deficit. But it is still not your problem to have your privacy intruded on in this manner. Amelia
you are probably right, he sounds lonely. you have a couple of options. You can take pity on him and let him chatter at you on the way home and try to get used to it. You can change your schedule and head home 30 minutes later (probably not realistic given your family's needs) You can explain to him nicely that between your job, the kids and the hubby; walk home is the only time you get a chance to hear yourself think and you really would rather walk alone with your thoughts, your music, by yourself. probably honesty would be best for everyone involved anon
Ugh. What a tough situation. Have you tried using headphones? Perhaps the big, obvious ones will be enough of a sign to leave you alone, or you can at least ignore him. If he insists on talking anyway, perhaps a polite ''I'm sorry but I don't feel like talking right now'' will suffice? Feel your pain
Why don't you just tell him, straight up, that you prefer to walk alone? You can give any sort of excuse you like -- you need the time to relax from work, you need it to get ready for what needs to be done at home, whatever works for you. Since you clearly don't think much of him, it's best to let him know early on that you do not want to be friends. Karen