Tips for boosting sex drive
I’m in my late thirties (female), have small kids, and a husband I adore (and find attractive). But for a long time now I’ve just had basically zero sex drive. Now that the kids are a little older, and I’m no longer on birth control or breastfeeding, I’d like to address this aspect of my life and put more focus on my relationship with my hubby.
Have others been in this situation? Anything you’d recommend? I’ve seen some suggestions online for herbal supplements (e.g., maca), but am hesitant to start anything without speaking to a doctor first. On that note, any recs for a gynecologist or sex therapist who is open to helping me explore options? The last time I raised my low libido with my then-gyno I was laughed out of the room and basically told to get over it.
Parent Replies
Have you tried reading a little smut? I know it sounds funny and kind of "too simple," but myself and many mom friends have been pleasantly surprised by the range of books out there with adult content that absolutely can get you in the mood. I don't know what you call the genre, but entry-level stuff is like the Fourth Wing books by Rebecca Yarrow, could be fantasy, could be not... Romance novels? Read a bit at bedtime and find yourself wanting to wake up your husband!
Run a DUTCH test to see what's really going on. Most MDs don't do this test, however. But you can find a functional or naturopathic menopause practitioner who will. It's super informative! I got mine from this virtual group: inwella.com
A functional medicine doctor can help. Testing your blood, saliva, stool, and urine will show any deficiencies. They can then recommend supplements .
I worked in sexual health for 10 years (not as a therapist, but know a few from conferences/etc) and am also a mom of a little one, so I figure to share some thoughts.
If it were me, I'd take stock of what might be influencing my sex drive — physiological, psychological, and environmental factors, then based on what you know about yourself seek out different solutions/help/etc from there.
A few examples:
Physiological: Get a blood panel and whatever else a doctor would recommend to see if anything in your health may be affecting your sex drive. Also, was there a change in your activity/exercise around the time you started noticing a change in sex drive?
Psychological: Stress, past trauma, getting into the habit of not having sex as much, etc. Could be worth working with a trusted therapist on this, doesn't necessarily need to be a sex therapist. Though if you review things for yourself and think it'd be helpful talking to a sex therapist specifically, I recommend finding a therapist who is AASECT-accredited, since that's one of the better known accreditations for the field, and if you can, talk to a few different therapists you think could be a good fit since everyone's approaches are different and you might gel more with one than another.
Environmental: Having kids can change so much about our sex life — getting enough sleep, being "touched out", getting the opportunity to be intimate with your partner. What works for you here varies depending on what you and your partner's work/life is like, but one thing that is overlooked is scheduling intimacy. Might sound unsexy on the face of it, but during times when it might be harder to find opportunities to be intimate, it can help for planning with your husband, building up anticipation, and getting into the pattern of being more intimate again, if you find that part of the reason your sex drive is a bit blunted is because of being out of a routine for a while.
One other thing I wonder is if you started experiencing a lower sex drive before having kids, and if so, what could have been going on then (stress/health/etc)?
Anyway, those are my thoughts. Hope some of that is helpful!
Try reading some rom com novels - really! I used to be snooty about reading rom coms and romance, but I've admitted I love reading about people meeting and flirting and falling in love and that's good for my relationship, and the spicy parts don't hurt either. It might be worth exploring a "book prescription" before trying a medical route. There's a wide range of options depending on if you want to read historical, contemporary, paranormal, etc., and everyone's tastes are different, but some of my favorite authors are Kate Clayborn, Christina Lauren, Emily Henry, Beth O'Leary, Jasmine Guillory (often set at least partially in the Bay Area), Annabel Monaghan and Mhairi McFarlane.