Therapist has not addressed teen's academic struggles
Hi,
Well, this is a tough one for me and I am hoping for some direction. We hired a private therapist for our daughter while she struggled in High School. She has been seeing her for about 3 years weekly. Now 2x per month. I have seen some growth in self-esteem and boundaries, but there isn't any improvement in homework/structure. She avoids homework and then gets depressed when her grades are down and vice versa. She is intelligent and can do the homework in no time but gets depressed when she is to do it. The therapist in the past has responded to me with 'well, she doesn't want to do it.' The therapist, after I had a meeting with her to address my concerns regarding the way it was going, told my daughter that she is not my therapist...What? The focus seems to be that we the parents are codependent and should not be asking about homework. We rarely mention it and are supportive. So, my question is how to navigate this. It's been 3 years and the main reason for the private therapy was to get to the bottom of this. We have hung back and seen the crash and burn with the avoidance but there doesn't seem to be a change. I know that sounds harsh but yeesh. (No learning challenges.) I've approached the idea of a new therapist and my daughter is reluctant. I feel like its a rock and a hard place.
I am hoping to hear advice for when you don't think your young adult therapist is the right match.
Parent Replies
We have had a similar problem with our child. (Our child also doesn't have learning challenges). The therapist might help with self-esteem but is not helpful at all when it comes to homework and procrastination. We ended up getting an academic coach from Classroom Matters and it has made all the difference. Each session they discuss what my child needs to get done that week. They make goals and discuss techniques to help with motivation. Also, I love that afterwards the coach sends you an email with what they accomplished during the session. Honestly, this has been the best investment for us, my teen feels successful, and we are not frustrated. Classroom Matters
You may want to reframe your approach, instead of "what's the matter with you?" change to "what matters to you?". Grades do not have to be connected to self worth with so many "successful" people in the world who didn't do so well in school. I am sure she is amazing at other things and has specific interests. I do not know your unique family situation but I believe things can and will work out for your family. The teenage years coupled with middle age for parents can be tough.
If I'm reading this correctly your daughter is around 20 and maybe in college? I agree with the therapist that this is way too old to be checking in on homework, and the best way to be supportive would be to step back and let her figure out her life. On that same note however, if this were my child I would sit down with her and explain clearly what you don't think is working, and stop enabling via therapy. I would explain that you are not going to pay for this therapist - or perhaps any therapy - after a period of time for her to say goodbye (say 4-6 weeks). Be crystal clear with the therapist and if she reports to anyone, make sure her boss knows too. If your daughter wants to continue, she can work and afford the therapist herself. You could tell her that you think she does probably have the skills to stand on her own 2 feet and you'd like her to try. If she eventually falls, you would consider finding a radically different kind of therapist and trying a new approach. Suggest she try self sufficiency and also do some research into DBT etc to see what might move the needle. AND - back off from checking in supportively on homework or anything else that a 20 year old should be managing without parent involvement. People often think they can't handle something when they've never been given the chance to try 100% on their own - she might surprise you. But of course, she may never succeed in the precise way that you are hoping for.
I recommend Leslie Absher, teenfocus [at] gmail.com, who is a very skilled and personable organizational tutor. My grandkid saw Leslie once a week for a semester and was able to go from a teen who had the ability to keep up academically in high school, but didn't and was unhappy and withdrawn about it, to a much more cheerful and usually on top of their schoolwork 15 year old. Leslie is very personable and skilled at building self esteem and self advocacy along with organizational tools. She focuses on current assignments and long range assignments, so her help is both for ongoing skills and for getting current work done. My grandkid is gender fluid and Leslie is experienced and at ease with all kinds of kids. She is in Orinda or Moraga (I wasn't the person taking my grandkid to the sessions).
It sounds more like an executive functioning issue than a therapy issue to me. An educational coach might be of better help than a traditional therapist. And also, yikes, 3 years and no real help with the original issue? I'd say time to move on.
You didn't mention how old your daughter is.... if she's 18 or older, speaking to her therapist about these issues would have to be with the express permission of your daughter.
In any case, I wonder if you've met with the therapist and your daughter to try to work through these issues? Without knowing more, I'm unsure what else to advise, but I always like to think about questions..... like, what does the therapist think is stopping your daughter from getting her schoolwork done? What role does she think you should play?
Again, not knowing the whole story, but my very first thought was "She probably has undiagnosed ADD." Has your daughter had aneuropsych evaluation? Does her therapist recommend exploring the possibility of ADD? What you describe sounds a lot like a cycle my daughter used to get into with schoolwork. Once we figured out ADD was involved and starting treating that and she started working with an amazing tutor on strategies to get her work done, she really flourished academically.
Even if ADD isn't involved, a wonderful tutor can make all the difference. My daughter's tutor helped her so much when she just felt overwhelmed and depressed by the amount of work she had on her plate. Executive functioning strategies are amazing.
It seems like your expectations for what this kind of therapy would accomplish are not aligned with your daughter's and her therapist's. As others have mentioned, the specific problem of getting homework done might better be addressed with an academic coach or tutor. It is also likely that there is a physical problem like ADD, which would be addressed by a psychiatrist and medication. The good news is that the therapy seems to be working as far as what your daughter wants from it, which is why she is reluctant to give it up. My suggestion would be to let your daughter continue with this therapist as long as she feels it is helpful, and consult other experts about the homework problem.