Teen Sex

My son is 16, and met a 15.5 year old girl. He's been going to see her at her home the last month or so, and told us he met both her parents and her grand parents. From what we overheard from his phone/video conversations with her, they are into each other, and then finally the girl's mom brought the girl to our house.  The girl seemed nice, respectful, ran up to meet me and helped me carry groceries.  I was somewhat uncomfortable about her sitting in my son's lap the whole time after that, and then they ran off to his room downstairs.  We kept coming by, and my younger daughter kept bothering them, but they still managed to have sex, at least that's what my son told me.  He said that the girl initiated it, and "really wanted to", and he wasn't against it.  Huh!  At least they used protection.

My son told me the girl and her mother talked about the possibility of her engaging in sex, and she gave her protection.  We did the same with our son, though I had no idea it was going to happen that soon.  I wish he'd hold off longer! 

So now, the girl called and said she wants to come over and spend the night.  I am not thrilled about it, plus they are both under the age of concern in CA (18 years old). So, legally speaking, not only this would make sleepover out of question, but we'd have to watch them at all times to be sure they aren't having sex. But, as a human and a parent, that doesn't make me comfortable either.  I am pretty sure the teens would not stop having sex if we tell them to, just as they didn't listen when we said to wait, so they'd be still doing it out in the park or in the back of a car or wherever else.

Also, I don't want my son to stop talking to us about his life.  He doesn't do it as much as I'd wish he would, and sometimes he tells us things after the fact, but he does tell us a lot. I don't want to be one of those parents who are either righteous or turn the blind eye on purpose to avoid legal issues, and say their kids would never do drugs and have sex.  I know several families like that, and their kids confided in me that they did both, but would never tell their parents even years later (they asked me not to tell their parents).

Have you ever been in this situation before?  What did you do?  I am looking for advice, not judgment.

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RE:
Teen Sex (May 22, 2017)

I have one son and one daughter who are both in their 20's now. We are fairly permissive but did NOT allow their partners to spend the night at our house during high school (but we do now). To me, it is not about the sex so much but about the seriousness it gives to the relationship. High schoolers are not adults, and also, we as parents didn't want to interact with their partners as if they were our son/daughter in law! It's your house, you set the rules! Also, I never had to say this, but I wouldn't want my teenagers having sex in the house when I am there or younger siblings are there. Maybe you could point out to your son that he probably doesn't like to think about you having sex in the next room. I assume there are times when they can be home alone :) 

But, be sure to put a lock on his door so he CAN lock it, since I am guessing you don't want his younger sis barging in on them.

We bought a jumbo box of condoms and kept it in the hall cupboard and said "feel free to use these or give them to friends." Then I would check it periodically to buy more as needed.

As far as the legal/age issue, I THINK since they are only 6 mos apart it is ok, but you can look that up online. It depends on age of kids and also age difference.

It's tough to deal with this but great that you have open communication!

RE:
Teen Sex (May 22, 2017)

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, 16 & 15.5 seem very young to me but maybe I'm dating myself and this is just the norm these days.  My kids are just finishing up with elementary so I'm not dealing with teens yet but with that said, I think kids have been finding a way to have sex if they want to since the beginning of time, but I don't think that you should have to have this young lady 'sleep over' if you aren't comfortable with it.  This is your house and you should be able to have rules and limits.  I think the open lines of communication with your son should work both ways, and I think it's great that he is talking to you, but I feel like you should be able to openly tell both of them that you need to draw the line at sleepovers until they are both 18 or later dependent upon your comfort level.  Given that they are both pretty young it might be good to talk with the girls parents first just to ensure that you're on the same page and maybe come up with some boundaries that all of you can be comfortable with for the next couple of months as things progress in what sounds to be a pretty new relationship.  Awkward conversations but it may be necessary.  What if you say no but then your son ends up having a sleepover at her house?  What if something goes south in their young love and your son gets accused of taking advantage of the younger girl?  I just feel like things get complicated in today's world with how the kids talk at school and on social media.  I'd probably try to be open with everyone, your son, his girlfriend and her parents.  I recall having a good friend in school who had a really 'hip' mama and she was allowed to do whatever/whenever.  She was very open with her mom and things still got messy, she ended up pregnant at 16 (which she did NOT share with her mom), got an abortion, and suffered the emotional turmoil that comes along with that alone.  Her mom knew she was sexually active, knew that she used recreational drugs, went to raves, stayed out all night, etc.  But when she got pregnant- she couldn't tell her mom and that is just heartbreaking to consider now, looking back as an adult.  Best of luck to you!!!  I hope things work out.  

RE:
Teen Sex (May 22, 2017)

No judgments here. My 16-year-old started with her same-age boyfriend, someone she had known for two years at summer camp, and I'm fairly sure she took the initiative. Some thoughts:

1) When I realized our girl was having sex (I have no shame; I checked her top drawer one afternoon when she was out with the guy. It was clear they were seriously fooling around, because she had gone to our family doctor after telling me some implausible story about her menstrual cycle, and I knew she possessed not one, but two, reliable forms of birth control, one of which was missing from the drawer), I had hysterics to my husband and to a couple of friends. I said nothing to my daughter; she would have been angry and refused to talk to me. I called the San Jose branch of Planned Parenthood, which then offered a good help line, and talked to a counselor for a while. She reminded me that there's a big different between a 14-year-old's being coerced by a friend's brother and two kids who've agreed to all this and who are using birth control. https://www.plannedparenthood.org/planned-parenthood-mar-monte/contact-… (These days it might be on-line chat.)

2)  Stats from the Guttmacher Institute: https://www.guttmacher.org/fact-sheet/american-teens-sexual-and-reprodu…

3)  Some of this behavior is also individual. I wouldn't have wanted to have sex when I was that young: boys, ewwwwwww, except at a distance and in my fantasies. But one of my daughter's friends, who had received a lot of loving sex education from her parents and the public schools, became pregnant when she was 15. She was simply more impulsive by nature than my daughter, who likes making plans.

4)  You're so very right about providing birth control. But I also wish the girl's mother would take her to see an ob-gyn; pap smears and all that are an important habit to start at this point in a female's life.

5)  You're also right about wanting your son to keep talking to you. They listen to us far more than they'll admit at this age, especially if we don't nag and don't repeat ourselves 55 times. My daughter is 28 now. She has two children, both carefully planned and well taken care of, with a responsible, loving guy. She still tells me about her life, and asks for advice.

6)  I'm not sure what to say about having your son's friend stay overnight. I couldn't quite overcome my own upbringing to that extent, so they were still sneaking around a bit (and probably enjoying it). Is there any chance you could get together with her parents and come to some sort of agreement? The kids might hate that, but they don't have much choice, especially seeing how reasonably their parents are behaving.

7)  The sitting-in-the-lap thing always irritated me; I'd growl, "Feet on the floor, you two!" but it didn't have much effect until she was more mature and wanted boyfriends' parents to like her.

8)  Teenagers--older ones, at least--having consensual sex is strong proof of the fact that at some point we have to recognize our children are growing up, and we must let them. (This doesn't mean we can't hover and advise from a semi-respectful distance.)

Good luck. They're acting like healthy, normal kids, and you're thinking like a healthy, responsible parent.

RE:
Teen Sex (May 22, 2017)

I'm pretty sure my teen was sexually active at your son's age.  It's great that he talks to you (mine tells me all sorts of things too - that mantra about 'girls stay in your face, boys stay in their room" is not true in his case) but it can be a burden for you as well.  I think it's fine to say no to the sleepover.  It's not the same thing as punishing them for having sex or not allowing them to date.  It's just not "appropriate." You can say  you don't feel comfortable with it, and this would be true whether he had told you they were sexually active or not.  If he really pushes it, I would tell him that you want to talk about it with the girl's mom.  My son did spend a couple of nights at his girlfriend's house when he was attending family events there, and I talked to her mom about the logistics very specifically ahead of time.  She was quite clear on every safeguard that would be in place to ensure that he was nowhere near her bedroom.   

RE:
Teen Sex (May 22, 2017)

I don't have a solid answer, but wanted to put a "good for you" out there. Clearly you've been respectful of your son's wishes and needs, and he feels safe enough with you to be open about what's happening in his life, even at the risk of going against the wishes of his parents.

If your concern is a legal one, I'm not a lawyer, but I believe California does have a "Romeo and Juliet" law where, if the kids are fewer than 3 years apart (and it sounds like they are), the 'offence' isn't a felony. Officially it still might be a misdemeanor, but even that is only if someone files suit. I'm inclined to say don't worry about the legal aspect.

Wishing you, your son, his girlfriend, and both families luck! Hopefully this will be a happy learning experience for both of them. Frankly, at least given they're using protection, the more-likely 'big' issue will be the heartbreak if/when they break up. ;-) And because you've been open and been there, you'll be able to help with that one, too.

RE:
Teen Sex (May 22, 2017)

Hi - I have been in your exact same situation but I was the parent of the girl, not the boy.  It was VERY hard.  I went round and round about it, but I'll tell you where I ended up.  I dug down and asked myself what was truly important to me and - for me - it was that any sexual activity was consensual and that they used protection against pregnancy and STDs.  As you mention, kids are going to have sex whether or not we allow it and the more I gave her grief about it, the less she wanted to talk with me about it all (not surprisingly). When she stopped talking to me (which happened for awhile) I realized that that was way worse than her engaging in consensual sex in a loving committed relationship with a boy who was her age and had the same experience she did.  

However, this does not mean that you have to allow sleepovers at your house.  We don't.  My recommendation is that you reach out to the girl's parents to talk through things and agree on what you all will do.  In my situation, her boyfriend's parents were stricter than we are and we followed their lead and had the same rules at our house that they had at his house.  

Am I happy that she decided to have sex at 15 - no.  I really wish she had waited longer.  But, I can tell you - a year later - that she doesn't have any regrets about it and our relationship made it through this complicated challenge.

Best of luck to you!

RE:
Teen Sex (May 22, 2017)

Your son and his girlfriend are not going to stop having sex. No way. But that doesn't mean you have to let her sleepover--parent/child boundaries, at least for me. I want nothing to do with my kids sex lives, except to offer support, guidance and to help them get protection if they need.  But a sleepover? Two teenagers? Doesn't and won't happen in my house. I was having sex as a teenager and wouldn't have dreamed of asking for my boyfriend to sleep over. Again, I think it's about boundaries, space and privacy. For all concerned. 

RE:
Teen Sex (May 22, 2017)

I recently read a fantastic book called 'Not Under My Roof: Parents, Teens and the Culture of Sex by Amy T. Schafer. The author is an academic and I believe this book was a result of her PhD work comparing the attitudes of Dutch and American parents attitudes towards their teens sexual lives. It was just fascinating to think about a culture with an open attitude towards teenage sexuality. And the Dutch have one of the lowest teen pregnancy rates and highest reported satisfaction with first experiences. They empower their young to have communication, and mutual respect and being in a real relationship. I am pasting in the description here. A really wonderful way to open yourself up to thinking through options and approaches. 

Winner of the Healthy Teen Network’s Carol Mendez Cassell Award for Excellence in Sexuality Education and the American Sociological Association's Children and Youth Section's 2012 Distinguished Scholarly Research Award

For American parents, teenage sex is something to be feared and forbidden: most would never consider allowing their children to have sex at home, and sex is a frequent source of family conflict. In the Netherlands, where teenage pregnancies are far less frequent than in the United States, parents aim above all for family cohesiveness, often permitting young couples to sleep together and providing them with contraceptives. Drawing on extensive interviews with parents and teens, Not Under My Roof offers an unprecedented, intimate account of the different ways that girls and boys in both countries negotiate love, lust, and growing up. 

Tracing the roots of the parents’ divergent attitudes, Amy T. Schalet reveals how they grow out of their respective conceptions of the self, relationships, gender, autonomy, and authority. She provides a probing analysis of the way family culture shapes not just sex but also alcohol consumption and parent-teen relationships. Avoiding caricatures of permissive Europeans and puritanical Americans, Schalet shows that the Dutch require self-control from teens and parents, while Americans guide their children toward autonomous adulthood at the expense of the family bond.

RE:
Teen Sex (May 22, 2017)

'Not Under My Roof' is by Amy T. Schalet not "Schaefer"