Support group / resources for spirited baby?

Just for reassurance -- I had the baby who cried the most in the mother's group. Sometimes my partner joked "My, what a loud baby." They also were the first one to talk, and very bright in preschool and school. It did take them until about kindergarten to "settle" down, after which they continued to have a strong personality but could be reasoned with. They are now a very empathetic person and doing well as a young adult. What helped me was thinking about their feelings and intensity like the weather -- always changing with good weather around the corner. Also, I did have a lot of support from my partner, from friends, and starting at about nine months, a part-time babysitter.

I don't know if this is your first baby or not, but just a gentle reminder that 3mo is still an infant. So so young, and not fully capable of self-soothing. There is nothing wrong with your baby. At this age, their nervous system is still very immature and they mostly need a mature system (aka yours and other safe adults) to regulate. I also had a baby who was very alert and active during the day and could not sleep independently for naps. I don't know what we would have done if I'd had to return to a job, but if it helps to hear it from someone else, I contact napped with him until he stopped napping at age 2.5. I know those naps could be time when you do things for you, but his naps became my chance to catch up a little bit on my own rest and sleep. I will say that at 6 years old, he does not seem to have some of the sleep anxiety and disruptions that some of his peers have developed.

Please know that I'm not saying any of this easy or that I was often envious of parents who had babies who needed more sleep or took to independent sleep more easily. It can be really exhausting and frustrating. But please know that you cannot cuddle or contact your baby too much, especially at this very tender age. I hope you can bring in other adults who might take on some of this work so that you get more of a break. We were lucky enough to have a caregiver at that stage who would go on long walks with my son in the carrier so he could nap on her, for instance. This type of care exists!

Hang in there!

For reading material, I'd recommend "The Nuture Revolution" https://bookshop.org/p/books/the-nurture-revolution-grow-your-baby-s-br…

Everything you have mentioned about your 3 month old baby is normal baby behavior and not at all abnormal in any way. She is not 'high-needs', she is a baby and all babies have high needs, they are entirely dependent on you for literally everything. Of course she wants to be held all the time and rocked to sleep. A 3 month old is not capable of 'self-soothing'. It does sound like you need support so that you can have a bit more 'me' time but the expectations that you have for your baby may be too high. 

Hi! As a former nanny and the mom of three kids from a toddler to a teen each with certain areas of "high needs", I empathize and also: I kept double checking to be sure you meant three months and not three years. I remember the immediacy and urgency I felt with my first baby but from this perspective I see that you are at the very, very beginning. Your baby is so fresh. It is so, so normal that she wants to be held and rocked.  Can you have her in a carrier or wrap? Can you bounce on a yoga ball while responding to BPN posts (as I am doing now with my sick toddler)? It's so great that you have already figured out what she wants and what helps her soothe! I'm in my 40s and still learning to self-soothe so she is lucky she can rely on people around her to help for the next few years at least. 

You do need time for yourself to stay grounded, and also your ways of getting grounded may change and evolve, I think we can face pressure to have a certain level of autonomy that I have found it freeing to let go of. Your baby was just born, I hope you can be gentle with yourself and offer her so much comfort - she just got here, she will settle in as time passes, th routines and observations you have now will keep changing. I don't at all mean to pressure you not to seek what you need but just to gently remind you of the newness and temporary nature of this whole situation. 

This sounds, I’m sorry to say, developmentally normal for a three month old. The idea that babies that young should be able to self-soothe and sleep independently is, in my humble opinion, a myth designed to keep us feeling like failures. Some babies are fussier than others at this age, that is true, but I promise it will change soon. It might get worse first (the four month sleep regression is coming..) but it will eventually get better and probably not because of anything you do or don’t do.  I would recommend finding a baby wearing solution that is more comfortable for you (ergo baby with a newborn insert worked well for us), maybe looking into a Snoo if you’re losing it. Re resources, I read the happy sleeper and basically liked it, they have tips of things to try under 4 months when they’re too young to sleep train. My biggest regret from my early postpartum though was spending entire days in a dark room trying to teach my baby to nap in his crib because I thought it was the “right” way to sleep, and I wish I’d just strapped him on or headed out in the stroller and lived my life. Wishing you luck!

I don’t mean to offend…but at 3 months of age, these things sound…normal? 

Our now almost 4-year-old was like this at that age. Honestly, on the sleep front, we would just hold her during the day and read books, listen to podcasts, etc. Essentially, we just accepted it. As she got a little older (maybe around 6 months), it became easier to rock her to sleep, wait 15 minutes for her to be deeply asleep, and then very gently set her down in her crib. Even then, it was maybe 50/50 whether she would wake up after one sleep cycle and want us to hold her again, or if she would make it her full 1.5 hour nap without further intervention. After a while, we also began to co-sleep at night. Usually we could hold her until she fell asleep and then set her down and leave the room, which gave us some adult time in the evening. While we weren't a hard no to sleep training, it was clear that this wasn't going to work for her. 

Now, as an almost 4-year-old, I'd say our daughter is probably "gifted" (I mean that in the high IQ sense, although this is an unfortunate and loaded term). Alertness at a very young age, as well as intensity and more trouble around sleep (may be due to difficulty shutting their brains off) are often early signs. It's too early to truly know, but I recommend reading Dr. Deborah Ruf's work, which may provide some context and reassurance if this is the boat you are in: https://fivelevelsofgifted.com/

Giftedness is a form of neurodivergence, and while it can at times be delightful (our daughter's vocabulary is huge, and she has continued to be extremely alert and observant, which can make her very fun to be around), the intensity is no joke. I sometimes watch moms with chiller kids and envy the quiet that they seem to achieve on a more regular basis. Our daughter wakes up with a mental jetpack on every morning and flies through her day nonstop until I tell her a long, original invented story at bedtime to help her shut her brain off and fall asleep. The struggle is real. 

This sounds like a normal 3 month old to me. Many babies only want to sleep with contact naps, are not capable of self-soothing, and are easily overstimulated. I think having a support group for yourself would be more helpful than trying to force sleep training on a baby that is too young to understand it. 

If she's having these issues when she's older -- like toddler age -- that could be a different story. But for now, I don't think there's anything wrong with your daughter.