Social isolation 12 year old girl: resources and help

My kid was in private school K-6, went to King for 7th. Just as she was getting comfortable and establishing her tribe, the shut down happened. Historically this kid is well -liked has friends from other areas of life-from elementary, swim team, drama,church, Girl Scouts and sailing- and all of it came to a screeching halt. She has made half hearted attempts to connect but not much has transpired. Did a social distancing hike in June, did some Zoom with youth group, but it fizzled out. She did 5 weeks of the only camp we could find. Out of 12 kids she was the only girl. All boys, age 8-11. She hated it but kept going. I tried to connect with parents to get her with other kids she knows and zero response. Radio silence. I found someone her age she could do a project with but by that time she had lost so much confidence, she simply did not follow up. School has been hard. She is way behind in homework and is clearly unhappy. She has been unmedicated for ADHD for over 2 years, and could really use the medication but refuses and say “it will steal my fun”, “Rob me of my creativity” She has started binge eating at night. I have spoken to her about different kinds of hunger-like being bored and lonely is a hunger for connection. Turns out she has grown 2 inches overnight but still is overweight by easily 25 pounds. Now she is convinced that “everybody hates me” and “ I can’t sleep because when I lie down the bad thoughts come”. Fixated on belief everyone hates her because she did not reach out. Part of it is drama to get back her phone that we had to take away. She was immersed in media and getting belligerent and combative and less and less interactive. And not reaching out to friends. We have no idea where to turn. Last year she was constantly late to school so we reached out. Zero help from counselors or vice principal-until we quit excusing tardies and she got a truancy notice. Even then no follow up happened before pandemic. Counselor spent 5 minutes with her in a hallway and declared her fine. This year I have sent emails to teachers about her ADHD and processing issues. I’ve decided to use her low grades to leverage some support from school. Kid wants to drop out completely. We have Kaiser, so no real help there. She hates her psychiatrist and I don’t blame her. Pushed meds that she had had bad reactions to previously and he refused to try other medications with her. Are there pods for 8th graders? She is dying on the vine and we know that one in person activity would make all the difference. Suggestions and recommendations would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

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Several parts of your post resonate with me. Our daughter had a similar trajectory- private schooL through 6th, King, Kaiser, eating issues. We finally got her a private therapist and she’s made major strides. There’s way too much to write here, so please ask the moderator for my email address if you’d like to talk. 

I would pull her out of school and find her a small private school. Since she's in 8th grade, this might be harder...but look at schools like Maybeck for high school. Also find her a good psychologist, even if you have to pay out of pocket, as this appears to be a very serious situation. We have had a good experience with Reyna Cowen PhD. (510) 601-0232 as a psychologist. If she's full, she can probably recommend someone.  If you find a good psychologist she should be able to help you navigate the school situation. Put the psychiatrist  on hold for now. Good luck to you.