Single Mom Friend Engaged in Magical Thinking?
Greetings.
This is my first post here; I am so gratified this website is available for ultimately helping us be better parents, friends, people.
I have a friend who is a single parent. She does not have much contact with her baby's father. The baby is I think around 14 months old. The mom is a very casual friend of mine, so this may or may not be any of my business - but it concerns me that she has a great deal of focus on her own looks and the looks of her baby, to the point where doing the responsible things a mom has to do (single or not) get put off until some other time.
Example: she is on a very limited budget but will get beauty treatments like tattooed eyebrows or constantly get her nails done. Then she begs for someone to babysit her baby for free, because she's 'broke and my stupid manager scheduled me to work when I don't have daycare.'
When I was a single mom, I remember a (very) brief period of engaging in 'magical thinking' as in: "One day, I'm going to be walking down Montgomery Street and I'll bump into a man who will fall in love with me and take care of me and little Wolfgang, and we'll live a great life and I'll get to stop worrying about money and rent and day care. . . ."
She seems to have latched onto magical thinking like that as her plan for the future.
I feel on very shaky ground here; I don't know her that well and I'm not sure it's my business. But she's driving away her support network with her constant cries for free babysitting. She tells me how much her baby "loves me" because she thinks that will convince me I need to give up my weekend plans and instead, watch her baby. So, there's a little attempted manipulation there as well.
She just seems to be stuck in "I'll get rescued by a man any day now!" thinking.
Should I mind my own beeswax and just keep saying 'no' when it's not convenient for me to bail her out, or should I risk her getting upset/mad/emotional by telling her she really needs to get her sh*t together?
It's just puzzling to me since my situation as a single parent was waaaayyyyyyy more stranded in a big city with no one around to bail me out, and I was hella young (like, 20) but I hustled till I worked my way into a job where I could pay my bills on time. There was no question of me getting manicures or tattooed eyebrows; we wouldn't have eaten for weeks!!!
Thanks in advance for any advice or guidance.
Parent Replies
I don't think that you will be able to change your friend's thinking at all. I would just never be available to babysit and probably would even stop responding to the requests. She'll either figure it out or she won't but it's really not your problem. Sad situation though, I can see why you'd like to be able to help.
Just keep saying no and don't get into your judgments about how she lives her life or her wishful thinking. People have to make their own mistakes. And who knows, maybe her plan will work out (seems unlikely, but much stranger things have happened). If you're getting tired of saying no or find it annoying to listen to her then just put distance in the relationship and spend less time with her.
That's a tricky problem. Unless your friend is at a point where she's able to truly listen, speaking up probably won't end well. Her ability to see the situation clearly will depend on her maturity level, which doesn't seem stellar from your description. Even if she has the capability, she may have to run out of options before she slows down enough to listen. A few years ago I had two major "perpetual screwup" mama friends in my life. After one pushed me to find out why I was hanging out with her quite a bit less (and she noticed other moms were downright avoiding her), I took great care to write a positive, thoughtful, and respectful letter to explain how her actions pushed me and my family away. She actually received it fairly well, but our friendship never recovered. I don't think it changed much for her. From afar, I see her old destructive patterns continuing. With my other screw-up friend, I was moving soon and thus just let things go. Then she started using me as a character reference for jobs working with kids. I felt I had to be honest, so one day I got a furious call from my friend saying I'd cost her her dream job. Sometimes I wish I'd been a little more honest about her behavior, but on that ranting phone call it was painfully obvious that everyone was to blame but herself. Mature friends working in kindness can nurture wondrous growth in each other. With an immature friend, it becomes Star Trek's Kobayashi Maru -- there's no real way to win. You might try easing into a kind, non-condescending conversation about your feelings and experiences as a young single mom to test the waters. She may listen to you when she won't listen to others because of your shared background and it is possible you could do great good and this could morph into a decent friendship. I wouldn't count on it, though. You may just wish to tell her that you care about her but would like to be taken off the babysitter's list. That at least keeps her from having false hope that she can have a network without nurturing it. Best of luck! Thanks for being a caring person; the world needs more of those.
Wow, that's tough.
I can only provide my own opinion, so take it for what it is: I think lectures in general don't help change people's behavior, so I would not offer unsolicited advice. I see two potentially more productive options:
1. When she asks you to babysit, you can give reasoning instead of just saying "no": maybe something along the lines of "sorry, but I have things to do, and I can't give free daycare." (Maybe more gentle than that, but you get the idea).
2. If you were legitimately in a similar situation in the past, you can mention that and offer to talk with her about your experiences. I think it's important to let her opt-in: "we can get together and talk about what it's like to be a working single mother" or something like that.
It's also worth remembering how important it is to do some things for yourself. Sure, there's a line beyond which is damaging, but different people have different ways of coping. It may be that beauty treatments are what helps her keep going. I hope this helps some, and I hope your friend's situation improves soon.
"I don't know her that well and I'm not sure it's my business."
I don't think it's your business, though if she is being too demanding you should probably let her know. She's your friend; you should be supporting (within reason), not judging.
If she's on a super-limited budget, it's probably not your place to critique how she spends her money. For all you know, tattooed eyebrows or nail treatments might be the one glimmer of dignity/self-respect she can get for herself. You might be more generous to your own past situation, but it's because you know 100% of what it was like to be you; you don't know even a fraction of what your friend is doing. More to the point, even if she is financially irresponsible, telling her/judging her is not going to get her to change, *she* has to want to change.
If she has not asked for advice I would not offer it. Continue to deny babysitting requests. If you were her good friend I would suggest giving advice but since you are not I don't imagine it would have an impact- she will probably have to out on her own. I know you mean well but unlesss she seem interested in your feedback it will fall on deaf ers
Saying "No" when you can't/don't want to babysit is great. Changing your life to accommodate her needs isn't good for anyone. Additionally, suggesting co-ops or share care/other options for her may move her toward responsibility for her child, a change of job, or more regular care. It may not, but that's all you can do. She and her baby are lucky to have you as a friend, yet the job issues are hers to address. Blessings to you for caring.
Srry to say, but, yeh, your friend sounds self absorbed and manipulative. I am all for honesty, put as kindly as you can.
It's really none of your business how she parents or how she spends her own money (unless the child is being neglected or a abused.) sounds like you set your boundaries by saying no to her requests. Now butt out.
Please try to keep in mind that women are at a great disadvantage in our society, especially single women with a child, especially here in the Bay Area. Kudos to you for making a go of it as a single woman. But economically, we women are better off attaching ourselves to a man. Statistically, men earn higher incomes, and their status at work does not suffer if they have children. Not true for women. It is also very hard to make it in the Bay Area on one income with a child. Your friend is actually doing the smart thing, trying to "attract a man" by prettying herself up with manicures and eyebrows. I say this as a feminist who has an advanced degree and a decent income and does not wear makeup. I could not live here and support my children if I were single. Please find it in your heart to support this woman in whatever way you can. We need to stick together!