Response to "bully" or aggressive behavior?

My son is in elementary school and has had issues with another boy who liked to nudge him, push him, try to trip him, take away his stuff and run away with it, and just in general annoy him on purpose.  My son complained to the teacher but the teacher just tells the other boy to stop, or takes my son's things away from him and gives it to mys on.  She told my son to be patient becuase the other boy has difficult time in school -- based on my observations I think the other boy has some behavioral issues or maybe some mild disability (though of course I don't know for sure and I did not ask).  I'm sympathetic if the other boy is having difficulties but his behaviour is disrupting the other kids' education, and it is not ok.  I got sick of it and told my son that if the other boy ever hurts him physically he is allowed to retaliate (and if he is not the aggressor of the physical contact and does not escalate it he will not be punished) and that he should tell the other boy that and make sure the other boy understands that my son is done being on the receiving end of this behavior.  My son told the other boy after being pushed, according to my son:  "if you touch me again like this I'll punch you and I know karate so it will really hurt".  The teacher heard and I got a call that basically my son said it and the teacher admitted to seeing the other boy push my son prior to my son saying it.  I told her if she punishes my son for this and not the other boy for this constant aggressive behavior I'm going to the administration, the board, the social media and whatever it takes but this is getting ridiculous and unfair (yes, I overreacted but got very mad at this point).  She said my son will not get punished for this uttering.  It has been a week since and the other boy is keeping a nice distance from my son, which makes me and my son happy and our problem is solved (if I knew it would work I would have had my son do it a long time ago).  My son came home though telling me that this boy is now harassing another kid (a sweet, shy boy who is on the small side) and that kids told my son that the other boy is afraid to get punched so he won't "play" with my son anymore.  So, not my problem anymore but it really bugs me that this boy is getting away with it and that another kid now has to suffer this behavior (if he really has issues than he should be assigned an aid or get some help but other kids should not be suffering).  I feel like I cannot escalate this anymore since my kid is no longer on the receiving end but I feel so helpless hearing all these stories from my son about this kid, who is big for his age, intimidating other kids and making them deal with what my son dealt with for months before he stood up for himself and used the "fighting words" since "no" "stop" "i don't like it" etc. was not doing anything.  Who would you tell?  I don't know the parents of the kid who is the new "victim" of this behavior. The teacher is just waiting for the school year to end and does not want to deal with it.  Any way to address this?  

Parent Replies

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You didn't mention if you had talked with the principal about this situation, so I assume not.  It takes a village to raise children, and this needs to escalate to the principal regardless of whose child is being bullied -- yours or anyone else's. A principal should be all ears listening to any parent who tells them about this sort of thing happening and continuing.  The boy doing the bullying needs help, as does the shy boy getting the mistreatment anew. You have information that will help the climate for the whole school and the principal needs to hear it. Time to escalate!

You could see if a school counselor or the principal are any help.  Schools are often not much use in these situations because parents threaten to sue if their children are disciplined, and teachers often pick up on the message that higher-ups won't support intervention.  Also, there is a school of thought that argues that adults can't intervene all the time since kids need to develop the skills to handle this. 

But your instincts are right--this situation merits adult intervention, since the behavior has only been re-directed and signals more trouble ahead.  What about the PTA?  You could raise this question at a meeting and see if you can get support to identify the victim and make sure this boy's behavior does not continue.

How old are these kids?  I gotta say, the infractions you site sound like pretty normal kid stuff to me, not like some huge large-scale aggression by a "bully". You seem to express no compassion for the kid who, you acknowledge, may have some social/emotional issues going on.  Instead of feeling outraged by the mistreatment your son has experienced (again, which sounds pretty run-of-the-mill) maybe you should be concerned about this boy - a classmate, the child of a member of your community - is not getting the support he needs to function well in school.  Until you can come at the problem from that vantage point, you will only be unhelpful in this situation.  Let me be clear - if there was some real bullying going on here, I would say something different. But, snatching toys, nudging him, etc?  Come on.  
 

I am so sorry that your son experienced bullying.  You don't mention your school district, but if this is happening in Berkeley, the lack of action by the teacher unfortunately sounds familiar.  If I were you, I would continue to push this issue even if your son isn't the direct victim any longer.  Kids other than the one who is being bullied or harassed are affected by the bad behavior, since they see how the bully treats other kids and are intimidated. Equally as important, the kids see how the adults who are in charge respond to the bullying--whether they stop it or allow it to go unchecked.

In other words, you still have standing to complain and you should.  You should inform the teacher about what you hear from your son about the bully's behavior.  I note that everything should be documented in writing.  If you have a conversation in person or by phone, follow up with an email along the lines of "I am writing to confirm that today during our telephone conversation, I informed you that …."  If there isn't any written documentation, it is very easy for the powers that be at school can deny that they were ever aware of an issue.  Yes, this is a cynical take, but it is reality.

As far as who to tell, I would continue to complain (in writing) to the teacher, but start copying the principal on your emails.  It sounds like your son has an inexperienced and/or ineffective teacher and the principal needs to know that this teacher is not responding to parent and student complaints.  I would also be very clear that this student's harassment is adversely impacting the learning environment and is making the other kids feel unsafe.  Even though you don't know the "new" victim's parent, I suggest that you reach out with an email or phone call to say "my son told me that your son is being picked on by another boy.  I just want to make sure that you were aware of this."  Maybe the parents responds and maybe they don't, but it would be helpful of you to let them know. Sometimes kids don't share troubling incidents at school so your note may be the first that the parents have heard about the bully.

As a last, and dispiriting, note, don't lose heart if the behavior continues.  As I intimated above, we have found that in Berkeley, the adults in charge at school don't always seem to appreciate the impacts of bullying or aggressive behavior, and don't address it across the board.  The district as a whole "talks the talk" about anti-bullying, but the reality on the ground is mixed at best.  We have found some teachers and principals to be responsive to complaints but others appear utterly indifferent.  A kid should not have to deal with being called names, pushed or touched repeatedly or having items stolen from them, and if they do, the students perpetrating this behavior should be punished and taught that such behavior is wrong. Sadly, we have found that some kids who harass and bully others are given a pass and worse yet, the students who are being victimized are made to feel guilty for complaining. I applaud you for standing up for your son, and urge you to continue your advocacy.  If those in charge at schools hear more from parents and students who are being subjected to bullying and harassment, maybe this behavior will be addressed.  

We had a similar issue with our 8-year-old son. We did something during a period that was particularly stressful for him (his teacher acknowledged the bullying but didn’t do much to help). We sat with our child and and drew up two charts that we filled in halfway: 1. Normal kid stuff and then 2. Bullying. That way he could better prepare to assess the differences. He was able to fill in his boundaries within each category. Then we acted out scenarios of bullying and repsonses. He was able to see both sides (in his case, the other child had just moved here from another country and felt inferior, perhaps). We did this for a few weeks and, yes, it was painful (laughing, giggling, etc). Over time, it helped so much. Now my son has empathy (“guy did this maybe because his parents talk to him like this at home. I’m happy my parents are kind to me”) and helped him develop a language around asserting himself and boundaries. The year was rough (competitive environment and many bully-like behavior). One instance arose where we needed intervention. After documenting, we sent an email to his  teacher and principal. We met with both and what seemed to help us haiving a game-plan in place. The school doesn’t do much about their bullying issue. So we had to take measures into our own hands when defining the problem, our boundaries and  providing a solution via a plan. This was the key to our success. I’m sorry you have to go through this. It can rip a parent’a heart out. We looked a total is as real life training for the future.