Rebellious 14 year old- Can't get through

Hello I have a 14 year old daughter who has been rebelling for a couple of months now. It has been getting worse. The other day I gave her permission to go out and then she sent me a text saying, "I am not coming home. See you in the morning"  I found her and brought her back the next day.  I have talked to her and even took her phone away for a month. Now she has it back limited to text and calls. I told her she needs to earn things. She doesn't listen to curfew, she has no consideration or respect to what I tell her. I'm at a position where I am not sure if I should be more strict and risk pushing her away or not give up and compromise. She doesn't tell me where she'll be or with who. She started vaping. I found and took it away. She found it and sold it. She turns off her phone or her location too. I am asking for some advice based on your experience. She came and told me that she wants to be left alone and that she'll even go to a safehouse next time.  Please help :(

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What a difficult situation you've described! It's great that you've written in to get more support. It sounds like you're trying some really good strategies (restricting phone access, explaining the need to earn privileges etc), and your daughter is not responding well. Have you thought about coming to a Willow in the Winds parent support group meeting? It's for parents who are either considering residential treatment or ways to use local services to regain parental authority if that's a better fit. There's a meeting in Oakland on Saturday Nov 18th and one in San Rafael on Sunday Nov 19th. Both are from 1-3pm and are free of charge. Good luck with your situation: there is help out there (here). 

Meeting Details Oakland:
WHEN: Saturday, November  18, 2017
 Time:  1:00 - 3:00 PM

Location: Kaiser Medical Building
             3600 Broadway, Lower Level, Conference Room C
             Oakland, CA, 94611

Meeting Details San Rafael:
WHEN:  Sunday,  November 19 , 2017
Time:  1:00 - 3:00 pm

Where: Full Circle Addiction and Recovery Services
  1104 Lincoln Ave
  San Rafael, CA.  94901 

Wow, scary stuff. I have a 14 year old daughter too and she was starting to go in that direction and I pulled her back in with as much love and concern as I could muster amidst feeling quite angry and frustrated. I recommend family therapy to get the lines of trust and communication open again. She's acting like she doesn't need you and is all ok on her own but it's a false front. I wouldn't get laissez- faire about the restrictions but try not to act out of anger. The main thing it's to try and re establish your bond with her.

My child is a toddler, so I have no personal experience, but a book I recently read -- Raising Human Beings: Creating a Collaborative Partnership with Your Child -- might be helpful. It's a lot about how parents have less and less control over kids as they grow up and how to still have influence on their behavior as that shift occurs. It addresses this dilemma of "how do I engage in a serious way on an issue without the child rebelling further?" Good luck; this sounds hard. The idea of family therapy might also be good.