Private school where aggressive behavior is accepted?
Hello!
Any experience with private schools and aggressive behavior in young kids?
Our kindergartner is lovely and sweet when regulated. When dysregulated, he lashes out physically with aggressive behavior [which we are working on via a variety of means]. We kept him in his preschool for this K year because they know how to work with him; we now need to determine what to do for 1st grade next year.
I know public schools "have" to make it work, one way or another.
On the other hand, private schools will give him the best chance to shine. But we are warned that most private schools will not tolerate physical behavior for long before potentially kicking us out. Which schools are most accepting and/or will go the longest with working with such kids?
I have been asking at tours, and I basically get some version of, "we love all kids and will work with you all......unless it is bad, in which case the kid gets sent home" which to me sounds like a euphemism for eventual expulsion.
Any advice on where to look or what to ask?
Parent Replies
My son has been attending The Burkard School in San Mateo for 6 years. The school has a behavioral specialist in every classroom to support children with complicated behavioral issues. It’s an amazing school and I recommend it highly. Unfortunately they don’t currently have a kindergarten class but you might consider checking it out for 1st grade.
https://theburkardschool.org
My advice is to really question your assumption that "private schools will give him the best chance to shine." We had similar feelings after completing Kindergarten at our local public school. My child was not physical or aggressive but had other problematic behaviors. We expected her to do better in a private school environment, but we found quite the opposite. While she did receive more attention overall, most of it was negative attention and resulted in her feeling constantly misunderstood and alienated. The discipline was no different than we experienced in public school.
Your son's behavior may be because of an underlying problem that you have yet to discover/diagnose, for which an IEP and behavior plans can be very useful in supporting and protecting him, but only in public school. Also, any school moves will have a social and psychological impact on your child.
When you ask how long they will tolerate working with a kid...it doesn't evoke a pretty picture... a situation where a child is not a good fit at the school and is on the way out is tough for everyone. Most schools will allow the ending to be harsh if it best serves them, leaving you scrambling to find a replacement. If you do end up applying to private schools, I hope that you are transparent about what your son needs, which includes being honest with yourself.
There are lots of kids shining in a variety of ways in public schools, including mine. I regret the years that we spent looking for a perfect school, when we needed to hone in on the specific supports that she needed and advocate for her where she was.
I don't know which schools might tolerate aggressive behavior, but I would like to encourage you to literally do every single thing within your means to nip this in the bud immediately. Make violence of any kind 100% unacceptable and instantly end any playdate in which he ever kicks or hits a child - a swift and non-negotiable consequence. Here's why - it doesn't matter which school may allow this, the KIDS - his potential friends for all his young life - will not. They will reject him very quickly and so will their parents. I have watched this happen several times now, and it has potentially really devastating long-term consequences. My son had a friend in early childhood who acted this way - I know the mom super well so we stayed in their lives and are still friends, but no one else is - every kid completely rejected him by 2nd grade and he is almost friendless to this day, although he actually hasn't been violent in years. It was a situation from which he could not recover. Another close friend of my son's has a little brother with ADHD who constantly kicked and hit kids - also, completely rejected by peers and parents from a very young age. This family ended up relocating out of state to give the kid a chance and it worked, because he too grew out of the violence. But they had to sell their house and tear apart their lives to allow him to have friends, because kids and parents found his behavior so unpleasant and unacceptable when he was little. His reputation was something he could not recover from. I have heard so many sad stories from these parents, because our family has also remained good friends with them. I just wish they'd taken this much more seriously with their son when he was young.
[*not to suggest that this parent hasn't tried to nip this in the bud already]
I don’t think you will find one.Parents paying for private school send their kids there in part because kids who are difficult usually are asked to leave.I have seen kids who were thrown out of private school back in public school and some of them did not even seem that problematic.For the money parents pay they will not tolerate someone who hits their kid.
How often does your child become dysregulated, and what are the triggers?
In our experience, most private schools are not well-enough supported to handle kids with special needs. They may agree to take such a child if they are drugged, which may or may not be the right course of action for your child and your family,
As the parent, you. need to be able to say to the school, "my kid is (pick one) neurotypical but easily upset by --", "ADHD with a 504 plan", "high functioning ASD" and see if the principal takes that info in stride. It is not a good outcome if your child is accepted to a private school, the kid acts out and is expelled, and you are stuck re-planning your year. You don't want to be on pins and needles.
However, if the kid's acting out is a rare occurrence, and if the kid WANTS to attend a specific school, it might be worth a try. Can the kid grasp that getting kicked out of school could be a consequence? That's a lot for many kids to comprehend. For some, if they don't like the school, it could be an incentive to act out,
Our experience with specific schools is not recent, but we found that Thornhill was a great school for our son, and a competing private school that his sister attended was far less wonderful, and much more expensive.
This is a tough one, and it sounds like you are doing all the right things, but honestly, I think you'd be hard pressed to find a private school that won't have an issue with it eventually. Our kids were in private schools and the vast majority of kids who cycled in with dysregulation/aggression issues eventually cycled out, not because of the school per se, I don't that that's the issue, but due to complaints from the kids/parents.
As you say, public schools 'must' deal with it. Maybe try public until he is able to have more control over his actions, and then switch to private where he can have more space to shine? Wishing you all the best!