Pre-teen personal hygiene: When do they "get it"?
My middle school aged daughter has a tenuous grasp of personal hygiene, on a number of fronts. (1) Her complexion has gotten increasingly worse over the past two years. I think she wouldn't have a problem at all if she washed her face twice a day, but unless I nag to the point of argument, it won't get done. I've taken her to the pediatrician and dermatologist, both of whom have prescribed washes and topical solutions, but it doesn't really matter what they give her or advise her if she won't regularly wash her face and develop a consistent routine. I am worried about acne scarring; she couldn't care less about her complexion. (2) Same with hair and body washing, and tooth brushing. She has gotten to the stage of development where she could really use a quick shower every day; I have to remind and implore to get her to shower and wash her hair once every 3 days. Basically, she doesn't want to be bothered. (3) When she does wash her hair and brush her teeth, she doesn't do a very thorough job; most of the time her scalp and breath still smell when she is done.
So my question is: Do pre-teens eventually embrace good personal hygiene habits? If so, when? Is this a matter of waiting out the clock until they "get it"? What strategies have you used to move them to regular, healthy habits? Or do I have a bigger challenge on my hands, and what advice can you share to manage it? Thank you.
Parent Replies
Your post resonated with me and though I don't have a solid answer or advice, I can tell you what I tried in a similar situation. My daughter's hygiene started to take a nosedive a bit later--around age 14. Here's what I tried, none of which worked: discussing casually; discussing rationally; nagging; playing the peer pressure card (gently indicating that "no one likes to be the smelly kid at school"); having relatives speak to her about it; saying nothing and simply rolling down the car window when we were together in the car. This lasted pretty much all through high school and was exacerbated by her disinterest in shaving her underarm hair (which I am fine with, but it did magnify the problem), and her insistence on wearing the same bandana every day for months, which she wiped her nose on several times a day and which she insisted could not be washed. She was responsible for doing her own laundry as well, which she did rarely. I should add that this entire time she had been very attentive to her dress and make-up, spending hours in front of the mirror, etc. in typical teen-girl fashion. This lingered on into the college years and ever so slowly got better. After all this time I figured at some point a friend, co-worker or boss would say something. Today she is in her mid-20s, working, and a delightful person. Her personal hygiene is better (she got one of those twirly battery-operated complexion brushes and uses an electric toothbrush). Her body and hair seem to smell fine. But she still does not do laundry frequently enough (no washing machine at her apartment) and sometimes her clothes smell of BO pretty badly and she does not seem to be aware of it. As for your daughter, I bet she "gets it" sooner and at school they probably will have a presentation on hygiene this year talking about deodorant, showering, etc. That school lecture didn't "stick" for my daughter, but I bet you'll have better luck.
I hear ya,
Fellow Mom
Welcome to life with a tween or young teen! I'm sorry you're going through this, but I hope you will look back and grin one day.
My daughter is about to turn 16. When she hit puberty around 11, she began to develop body odor, painful cystic acne, and frizzy tangled hair. All would have greatly benefitted from regular, careful hygiene. It literally took years to get it in place. I guided her, as gently as I could, to develop calming self-care routines that included a nightly shower or bath. I took her to Pharmacy and CVS and let her pick out shower gels and shampoos that smelled good to her. I bought gentle, natural face cleansers, etc. I tried to make it easy by getting disposable face wipes for the morning. I complimented her every time she took effort, regardless of the results - not about how she looked, but how nicely she was taking care of herself. I tied it into health and well-being.
It helped that her karate instructor talked to her about showering after a work out and wearing a clean t-shirt to training. At some point, she started to care more, and it had nothing to do with boys (she still has little to no interest). Around 7th/8th grade, something clicked and she started taking more and more care and interest, to the point of researching online how to better care for her hair more naturally in less time. When the acne was particularly painful, I took her for a teen facial. It was painful, and she hated it, but she left with some good advice and motivation to better care for her skin. She is now religious about her skin care routine and can manage the acne with over-the-counter benzoyl peroxide and salicylic acid based products. She follows the curly girl method of managing her natural waves with little time commitment (I left the curly girl book on her bedside table). She has developed terrific routines and looks forward to relaxing in the shower every evening.
So, I suggest plant the seeds, be patient, and let your daughter choose her way. Be her guide, but let her make the decisions as she's ready. Before you know it, you'll have a sweet smelling, radiant young woman on your hands.
(BTW: I've cringed at some of her choices, biting my tongue on the waste of disposable face wipes, or lecture on toxic chemicals in personal care products. I've tried to quietly educate and she's learned fewer, better quality products are easier and faster to use with better results.)
Could have written this post verbatim.. thanks for saving me the effort! I'll look forward to any advice you receive.