Parental controls and blocking adult content on Wifi
I recently discovered that my almost 15 year old son has been accessing porn on his computer. When he was much younger I tried to put parental controls on his computer, but the basic features on the Mac didn't seem to work very well and would block too much such that when he wanted to watch youtube or access sites that were legitimate, he could not get to them. My husband was annoyed about having to constantly deal with the access issues and complained so much that I took all controls off years ago. A few months ago I checked my son's browsing history and found that he was accessing porn regularly. And even though we have (loose) rules about where the computer can be used, he occasionally takes it in his room while working on hobbies, or in the bathroom. In addition, there are plenty of times when we leave him home alone for several hours while we run errands or exercise. My son is very sensitive and sometimes when I bring up difficult issues, he refuses to discuss them with me. I don't find it easy to talk with him. My therapist recommended I have my husband handle the conversations "man to man", particularly because I didn't want my son to shut me down or feel "shamed" by me. My husband talked with him about the concerns of porn and asked him to watch some documentaries about how abusive and damaging the porn industry is to the women who participate. A few months have gone by and he is still accessing the adult content, and even worse, writing fictional porn in a sort of journal. I only know this because I regularly check his computer and devices, although he recently changed his password on his phone so I can't access it. My husband would never bother to do this and while he is concerned, doesn't really want to get into the habit of monitoring. I recently installed a device on our WiFi called "Circle by Disney" which I can control through my phone or iPad. It filters adult content, tracks websites accessed, tracks total device usage, has the ability to limit time and hours for wifi access, can lock out access to any app (such snapchat, FB, instagram) and pause the internet on demand. I wish this device had been available when the kids were first getting computers and phones and the restrictions would have just been part of the deal. My husband is reluctant for me to implement it because he feels it is passive aggressive to just restrict the access without getting a "buy in" from my son. While I agree that we should talk about our rules for internet usage, risk about porn, etc, I have told my husband that the decision to restrict access is like deciding not to have junk food, cigarettes, guns or anything else in the house that you don't want to expose your kids to. It reminds me of when I was a teenager and I had a friend sleep over. While my parents were out for the evening, we drank some of their alcohol and got drunk! Not long after that I noticed that all the alcohol was put in a locked cabinet. Would love any thoughts or advice on this.
Parent Replies
I don't think you should be reading his journal, and I think writing fiction about *anything* is perfectly healthy and a good outlet. I would only be concerned if he is spending so much time watching online porn that it is cutting into his outside interests and relationships with real people.
I think most parents who have raised teen boys will tell you that boys gravitate to adult content around this age. I've already been through this with two teen boys and I'm on my last one who is now 15. With my two older teens, it was mostly magazines under the bed because in those days there was only one computer, and no smart phones. It is my experience that teen boys this age masturbate ALL the time, and they most certainly do not want to do that in the family room or discuss it with their parents. It's great that your husband had a talk with your son, but I do not think you should be forbidding your son from looking at adult sites or trying to prevent him from doing it. You can and should tell him your own opinion about porn, and of course tell him you don't want to see dirty pictures popping up on the family computers. But you really need to step back a bit now that he is 15, and let him have his privacy. I do not think you should be reading his writings, and I don't think you should be looking at his browsing history unless you have reason to think that he might be in real danger. Please re-think forbidding the computer in the bathroom or in his room unless you have a problem with video game addition, or homework not getting done. Sure if teens are doing something dangerous or harmful online, like using the computer to buy drugs or post naked photos of themselves, then I think parental intervention is warranted. But that is not what your son is doing. You should also have a privacy talk with him - acknowledge his need for privacy now that he is older, and tell him that you will respect his privacy. I just recently did this with my 15yo - I realized I was regularly walking into his room without knocking first. He didn't mind it when he was 10, but he does mind now, so I apologized and told him I realized I needed to respect his privacy more than I was doing. I think my assurances strengthened our relationship.
At this age a parent's role starts to change from manager to consultant. It is hard for us parents to stop managing when we have been doing that for 15 years. But that is what you have to do, so he can start becoming an adult, and so you can lay the groundwork for a long-term relationship with your grown-up kid. You already did your due diligence with the junk food, cigarettes, guns, etc. when he was younger, so the decisions he makes as an older teen and young adult will reflect that. But now it is time for him to have more control.
-- Mom of three boys
Your house, your rules. Porn viewing can lead to obsession about watching porn and addiction. There are plenty of ways boys share this info without having to go online for it. Boys do not need to watch porn to have a satisfactory masturbation life! You wouldn't have let your child rent X-rated movies if he was growing up 20 years ago.
The limiting factor has to be about what YOU are comfortable with; not what your kid wants. Don't feel pressured to allow this. He will be out of your home and making his own decisions soon enough.
Same as other responses: at that age, my son now happily married and father to 3 beautiful children, accessed porn all the time. I HATED it but was and still is a computer whiz and could get around any blocks. Yes - - yuckky and upsetting, but I don't think it has lasting effects.
I'm the poster of the initial question and am looking forward to more responses my question. I hope I don't sound like I am trying to justify my actions, but I am really surprised by the suggestions to back off, as it seems like every article I read about internet safely implies that you should monitor kids, keep your kids away from this sort of media, restrict devices in private areas, etc. My son is actually only 14.5 years but said 15 for the sake of ease. If the access happened accidentally once or twice, maybe that would be a different story, but it seems like it is a regular thing and possibly cutting into school work time, now heading into the bathroom with the computer for at least 30 mins if not 45 mins at a time before he starts homework after dinner. And while I agree that privacy has it's place for trustworthy kids who have no history of trying to hide something, after I saw the porn sites on the history I couldn't help but want to see exactly what he was looking at and for how long it has been going on. Regarding the journal, it's an application on his phone and I happened to glance and see a little of what he was writing one time I happened to be sitting behind him and could see it. Because it was concerning, I felt I needed to further investigate. I was a bit shocked by what I read, but I am not as concerned about the writing, as who knows, maybe someday as an adult he will have a well paying career writing porn. The "contracts" with the kids when they first got devices stated that they should assume the content on their devices was not private and that we had the right to look anytime we wanted, needed to know passwords, etc. If a parent looks occasionally and finds nothing, backing off has it's place. No one commented about the pros or cons of blocking the content via wifi, but certainly schools, libraries block it without it being considered unreasonable. I'm worried about addiction to porn or exposure to anti-social behaviors towards women, ability to have good relationships later in life, etc. He just came back from a month away at a device free overnight camp. The first day with us before he had access to his devices, he was sweet as ever. Then the next day when he got his computer and headed down to the bathroom, and perhaps when he realized he couldn't access his usual porn, he was in a very bad for several days and was barely willing to participate in any family activities or talk to us. We didn't ask him why, but I couldn't help but wonder. I am sure that we need to have more open conversations about it, but when he shuts down because he is upset about, there is no going forward. Please keep the responses coming, as I want to hear more about what you all think!
I think it is of course normal for a 15 year old to be curious, and masturbation is natural too, but I don't think it should be considered normal or appropriate to watch porn at that age. Porn these days is different and with one click he can see hardcore, bondage, rough, etc. Back in the day, it was just playboy magazine which I would much prefer my son looking at. Even seeing a movie like Dead pool seems more appropriate. Does he understand he is setting the bar too high then, expecting girlfriends to be like that? Maybe Common Sense media has advice about blocking sites- cant you block specific sites? I know one site is just "tube sites" and has tons of porn. Many girlfriends/ wives do not appreciate their partner seeking out porn so he is starting a habit that could be hard to break later in life. Yes we have to let go of them but they don't have to be thrust into adulthood in such a cold, impersonal way...good luck
Don't impose parental controls and stay out of your son's fantasy life. Really. I find it genuinely disturbing that you regard "writing fictional porn" as WORSE than looking at videos of real people; it suggests that you don't just have a problem with exploitation in the porn industry, but with teenage sexual desires and fantasies existing at all. They'll exist no matter what you do, and the more you suppress them, the more extreme your son's search for an outlet will have to be. I'm sorry to make it sound so dire, but his behavior sounds completely normal to me, and most parents I know just roll with it and leave their sons alone. It tends to regulate itself -- although honestly, after trying so hard to suppress it, you may have to deal with it getting more reactively compulsive for a while.
I completely support your concern and your trying to help your son by by limiting his access. Porn is addictive and damaging, so don't doubt your role as a parent to provide healthy boundaries. I would recommend Leonard Sax's parenting books: they are very helpful in this regard.
I want to share my experiences as a Cal health educator-coach for 30 years--the potential damage that long term porn use can have on young men. I retired last year and now do some of this work for graduating high school seniors, through my private practice. By the time I left the Tang Center, Health Services, I was averaging 2+ male students per week who were struggling with erection difficulties. Most had been to one of our medical clinicians for a prescription for Viagra--they sent them to see me instead. While factors such as stress, body image, poor communication skills, inexperience, etc. contributed to these young men's (aged 18-24) unreliable erections, *years* of online porn use seemed to be the one thing they all had in common. Most of the guys themselves thought their porn use had "messed up" their own sexual response to partners. They reported that they didn't find real girls/guys as arousing as porn; they were so used to being a spectator versus a participant; they were surprise that girls weren't as "wild" in real life, etc. Obviously I only saw the people who were having problems--undoubtedly they are plenty of guys with long histories of porn viewing who are doing fine with partners.
I'm very sex positive and believe that viewing porn can be a very healthy activity. But, I think hours and hours and hours of masturbating to increasingly intense online porn BEFORE having access to a live, consenting, appealing partner is a set-up for potential sexual problems in the future. If I had a son who seemed "hooked" on online porn, I would try to normalize the sexual urges he's having and encourage him to use a variety of materials for masturbation--my favorite being sexual fantasies that he creates in his own head. I would not use any scare tactics (like showing him my post!). I'm not a researcher or a scientist, I'm just a semi-retired health educator-coach who has tried to help hundreds and hundreds of distraught, pained young men with their erection problems.
When I give talks to graduating high school seniors on how to transition to college with ease, I always caution against excessive porn use. During this portion of my talk, you can hear a pin drop in all the big auditoriums...
One of the therapists I spoke with has a hard and fast rule in his own home: no phones, tablets or computers in the bedroom, including their own. He felt that this would at least limit the amount of porn his kids would consume online.