Out of State Co-Parent Pressuring Teen to Spend More Time With Him
I am seeking suggestions for how to deal with a sensitive co-parenting issue. My ex husband moved two states away about a year ago to accept a job offer. Our son is 13. His dad did not discuss modifying the child custody agreement before he left. He just left our son with me and said he wanted to work out the details of visitation. I have agreed with every visit he has asked to have for the last year. They have had several visits where our son stays with his Dad. The first few times he came back from a visit, he was very anxious and said that his dad was pressuring him to move in with Dad. Dad has now dropped that as our son does not want to move. However, our son just came back from a visit and was again very anxious and said that his Dad was "guilting" him for not wanting to spend half the summer with him. Our son does not want to spend half the summer with his Dad because all of his friends are here and because his Dad works a lot and has little time to spend with him when they are not on vacation together. I don't know where to begin with this. I want Dad to stop pressuring our son. Dad is very defensive and if confronted about his behavior his standard response is to deny and attack. When I have brought this up with Dad, he says our son is exaggerating and that I am at fault for any issues they have because in his view, I do not "support" him.
Parent Replies
Hi, sounds like you need to seek legal advice, covering both child support and visitation. The courts will want to do what's best for the child,and will likely grant long summer visits if more frequent contact isn't possible, as it sound like is the case in your situation. These kinds of things can sometimes be worked out through mediation instead of a court case. Even if you end up in court, they will have you meet with a mediator before you see a judge. Good luck.
I shared custody of two teens sons with my ex and I understand this situation. First of all, you need to get your custody agreement modified so you can reassure your son about what the arrangements are. Right now you are having to make these ad hoc decisions because your previous custody agreement is defunct. You're feeling guilt about making your son do something he doesn't want to, and the pressure is all on you because you are having to make every decision each time your ex asks about it. It would be much better for everyone to have legal guidelines, so take the trouble to get the agreement modified. Is there a reasonable amount of time your son would agree to spend with his dad in the summer, that the dad would also agree to? Say 3 or 4 weeks? And maybe half of Christmas vacation, something like that? Or maybe your ex could come to the Bay Area for a week here and there, rent an Air BnB, so he can spend time with his son without depriving him of his friends?
This situation will get better over time - as your young teen gets older, his wishes can be taken more into account. Also as he matures he will be better able to advocate for himself and tell his dad what he wants. But it does seem important to keep his dad in his life, especially since his dad clearly does want to be in his life. Even if your son complains a little about it, I think it's good to support the dad-son relationship as much as you can. And tell your son that too - that it's important to have a strong connection to his dad, even though it sometimes means he has to give up other things he'd rather be doing.
The best idea for the longer summers with dad are to help him enroll in some sort of summer program while he is with dad. This will allow him to develop friendships in that area as well. It may make sense then for him to spend some of a school year there. Friends and interests will change over time. What he will learn from having to step out of his comfort zone will help him become an adaptable and confident adult. Don't " feel sorry" for him , rather see this as an opportunity such as studying abroad.