My sister is in a romance scam-what to do?
Hello wise BPN parents! I’d appreciate advice on a tricky situation; I think my sister is involved in a romance scam. Her 20+ yearlong marriage recently ended and she met a man from an online dating site. They have not met in-person. Within 3 days, he said she was “the One” and deleted his profile; he sent her flowers with a love note to her house, sends long romantic texts, and calls her “Wife”. She said she’s “so in love”, is planning for her name change and for him to move in; she says he is “God’s gift” and listed “Godly signs” e.g. her doctors are taller than 6 feet and so is this man, which means God sent him to her. I expressed my alarm at how rapid and weirdly intense this romance was, especially as the way she is acting is counter to how she typically is-cautious, rational, in control. She dismissed my doubts, as she has “complete faith in God”. I am concerned for her mental stability, her finances and the welfare of my elderly and impaired mother (my sister manages our mother’s finances). She lives across the country and I haven’t seen her in years due to the pandemic. What can I do? Thank you for any advice!
Parent Replies
I am so sorry. For your sister, maybe you can find some on-line support groups for recently divorced people. When I divorced it was awful and disorienting, and in retrospect I wish I had joined a divorce Facebook group or in-person group at the beginning of the process. It sounds like she needs more help than that, if there is anyone she'll listen to (kids? clergy?), maybe they can talk to her.
That does sound extremely concerning but you will need to tread carefully. If it were me I would immediately fly to see your sister and just spend some time one on one with her. If she is religious, get her pastor, rabbi, etc involved as another caring friend. Ask to meet her new guy and assess for yourself. Invite him to spend time with both of you. I would also contact an attorney and figure out what your exposure is re your mother's finances, and whether you can at least protect those assets. But mainly - I'd jump way back into your sister's life and get to know her again.
Your comment that your sister manages your mother's finances raises red flags for me. I'm not sure what you can do to protect your sister from a possible scam. There are things you can do to protect your mother. Does your sister have a power of attorney or is she just informally paying bills? Are you a signatory on your mother's bank and/or investment accounts? Is your sister? Does your mother have significant assets? How is your relationship with your mother? Will she listen to you if you express concerns to her? Does she have her own attorney in her state? If I were you, I would consult an attorney here who might be able to get you started and/or refer you to someone in your mother's area. You are wise to be thinking about this. [Moderator: Please forward to OP if possible. Thank you.]
A friend was in a romance scam. Her kids did an image search and found that the picture of the guy was a generic photo, not who he purported. If you have his name and picture (maybe also phone number and email), a deep dive into some searching might turn up some info, including a history of scams.
I don't have much experience with this situation from a family perspective, but I do work at a bank where cases of romance scams come my way. The only advice I have is from a financial perspective, which is to please make sure your online credentials and private information (social security, passwords, etc.) are secured. Since you mention that your sister manages your mom's finances, maybe there is a way where you can also have some kind of joint control over that. If you have expressed your alarm already, maybe you can couch this as wanting to alleviate your own fears and that you would just feel better if both of you co-managed your mom's finances. Also, if she has not already decided to withhold information from you about this romance, try to suss out if this person has asked her to make any transfers or deposit anything. If so, then this is definitely a red flag, and you can always contact the bank for to upgrade your alerts and notifications, have them keep an eye out for suspicious transactions, etc. I think that if your gut is telling you something and you know that you don't have a lot of control over the situation, you should do whatever you can to protect you and your family's financial wellbeing at the very least. Good luck!
Sounds like it could be catfishing... I would do some research in that area. If your spidey sense and instincts are telling you something is wrong or too good to be true they are usually right! There is an show all about this - https://www.mtv.com/shows/catfish-the-tv-show
Good luck!
I think you are right to worry. (Admittedly, I do watch a lot of Dateline). I’d hire a Private Investigator to check him out, to at least see if there’s a pattern. Maybe one of her tall doctors can talk to her, if you happen to know any of them? Or perhaps you know a friend of hers who is in her area, and could see how things are going / also talk to her. Best of luck.
Get curious about your new brother-in-law
This sounds like a terrible situation. How difficult it must be for you.
What you describe is highly narcissistic behavior, whether an intentional scam or not. The Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Foundation has a series of blogposts about narcissistic behavior that may be informative. Here's a link to one of them.
Your sister sounds like she is involved in a formal religion. Would she be open to meeting with a faith-based counselor?
I have a good friend who narrowly escaped two romance scams. In both cases she met the men on Christian sites. In both cases the mate sent very romantic messages for over a month and then asked her to RECEIVE (not pay) money because of plausible-sounding logistical problems in their lives. The first one became insistent and rude when she refused, tipping her off. The second one cleverly seemed willing to drop the first request when she said she wasn’t comfortable receiving the money, but soon came up with a different one that still involved her receiving money. So my advice is to tell your sister to be wary not only of paying money but also of *receiving* it. Sooner or later this person will tip his hand and she can see the scam. It’s so sad that these people are preying on people in Christian matchmaking sites. They even use Bible verses to persuade their targets.
My sister was my mom's caretaker before she died. My sister had a 'boyfriend' who broke it off with her and then magically fell back in love and married her just after my mom passed and she inherited my mom's house (valued at over 1M). Now he is 'retired' (like at 50) while she works to support him and his loser (adult -always in trouble with the law) kids. We warned her, and now have 0 relationship. These scammers are out there and they are real (tell her to watch Netflix 'Tinder Swindler'). I agree with the suggestion you fly out and connect with her right away. Also, PLEASE get a lawyer involved! My sister did not have control of my mom's finances while she was alive, but my mom did not have a will. We siblings did not contest my sister getting the house because we were all partnered/married and had some financial stability. In retrospect, the guy stole what should have been equally divided and there's not a thing we can do about it - a cautionary tale!