My child doesn’t want to go to preschool - seeking input
My 2 year old (turning 3 in the fall) tells me daily she doesn’t want to go to preschool and I’m trying to sort out whether this is just a developmental stage with heightened separation anxiety or if there’s something more going on (ie maybe the school isn’t the right fit?). She has been at her preschool since last September. It was a rough transition for the first month but then she adjusted. A few months later she moved up to the older kids classroom, right before I had baby #2. It’s been 6 months and she still says every night at bedtime she doesn’t want to go to school tomorrow, wakes up saying she doesn’t want to go to school (or lately that she’s “sick” and has to stay home), and cries every day at drop off. We’ve checked in multiple times with the teachers and they say she stops crying within a minute of us leaving and is happy and engaged the rest of the day, socializes well, and seems very comfortable there. I recently asked her why she didn’t want to go to school and she said “because I want to stay home with mommy and daddy.” She has not told me anything specific about not liking the school.
I’m certain a big part of this is she wants/needs more time with us, especially with a new sibling, and am trying to find ways to do that within the constraints of our work and childcare needs. But I am also wondering if the school is not a good fit for her, even though we really like it and the teachers say she’s thriving.
For context: Her current class is 25 kids (with 4 teachers) and perhaps a smaller environment with a higher ratio would lessen her stress?
Has anyone had a similar experience? Did changing schools (or anything else) make it better? I am open to a change but don’t want to stress her out further with another transition if that’s not likely to help.
Thank you!
Parent Replies
I don't have much advice, just solidarity. I could have written this post myself about my daughter, who also turns 3 in the fall. I have so much guilt at preschool drop off each morning when she cries and tells me she doesn't want to go to school. But the teachers tell me as soon as I leave she is fine and has fun the rest of the day. When I ask her why she doesn't want to go she also tells me she just wants to stay home with Mommy and Daddy. Unfortunately we both work and so that's not an option for us. She's been in daycare/preschool since she was 1 and has been like this from the start. For what it's worth, we started her in a new preschool a few months ago with a better teacher/kid ratio and the same thing is happening, so it doesn't seem to be school specific. We follow a routine every morning and make sure to talk about what to expect each day, but it doesn't help. We tried giving her treats after school if she had a no cry day, but this stopped working and also felt unsustainable in the long run and like we were asking her to mask her emotions. So I'm not sure I have any advice other than that from what I read, some kids are just like this and will eventually grow out of it as the separation anxiety lessens. I hope that's the case! Hang in there!
This is such a hard stage. We went through it / are going through with all three of my kids, and the older two (now 4 and 6) both grew out of it between 3.5 and 4.5 years old. Our 2-year-old still screams his head off every day at drop-off, especially on Mondays. Similar story with the teachers saying they are all fine and happy a few minutes after drop-off. You might be right that your daughter wants more time with you, but also, transitions are just really tough for kids this age and drop-off is a big transition.
You could try changing schools but that would be a huge upheaval as well and not guaranteed to fix the problem. If your school offers ways for you to volunteer in or visit the classroom once or twice, that might be a good way to see for yourself if she is actually happy after she gets settled (which I'd bet that she is) - although of course there will be another meltdown when you leave after visiting. Also you could ask if the teachers could send photos - ours does this and it's nice to see them playing happily and engaged, especially after a tough drop-off.
Good luck and congratulations on your new baby!
My daughter went through something similar and she was at a wonderful (small) preschool. By the time it was time for TK she missed her preschool a lot and wanted to go back. I think it's a combination of separation anxiety and new sibling. We tried to have more one on one play or both parents with our oldest. It sounds funny to say to a baby but making a point to tell baby in front of sister "it's sister's turn with me" to show that you are really focusing on her. It will improve with time. I wouldn't change schools unless you think there is a problem with the care. She will likely have anxiety anywhere.
I think some kids are just like this - our pediatrician used to say "he's a smart kid, of course he'd rather be home with mom and dad!" He had rough drop-offs at preschool (and into elementary school), not always with tears (sometimes, though) and needed lots of structure and routine (read the book: The Kissing Hand) to separate from us, along with important transitional objects (taking a lovey, a favorite toy, etc). Sending you a big hug! They do grow out of it, eventually. I would just project so much love and confidence her way (even if you don't feel confident on the inside!) I don't think the specific school has anything to do with it - we got similar reports of happy days, tears ending a minute after we left, etc. Good luck! This too shall pass.
I did not experience this with my kids, but I was exactly like this as a child! It lasted throughout preschool and kindergarten, and then it kind of petered out in first grade. I just really wanted to be with my mom AT ALL TIMES, and the way that manifested was in me constantly telling my mom I didn't want to go to school, pretending I was sick, even actually making myself sick.(The school nurse sent me home from kindergarten multiple times with a 99-degree fever that immediately got better as soon as I got home; my mom swears I willed those fevers into being!) In general, though, once I was at school, I was fine there, fully participated in everything, made friends, etc. I grew up to be an excellent student.
The way my mom handled me during those years was to be firm about the fact that I had to go to school but to make small accommodations to soothe my worries or make sure I felt special and connected to her. So for instance, when I started kindergarten, I had to ride the school bus. I begged not to ride the bus, so my mom told me to get on the bus and go to the back and look out the back window. She drove along behind the bus and waved at me every time I looked out the window. I think this lasted maybe the first few weeks of the school year until I got used to the bus. She would also do small things to help me be aware she loved me during the school day... like she gave me things to carry in my pocket or told me to sing a particular song if I ever felt bad at school (honestly, I didn't! But her giving me something special to do that was just between her and me made me feel better.) When I was getting "sick" a lot, she colluded with the school nurse and my kindergarten teacher to give me "medicine" that was actually a piece of candy. She told me to carry it in my pocket and if I ever felt sick, I should try taking my special medicine from mom before going to school nurse's office. (This also totally worked! My first experience with the placebo effect! lol)
Have you ever read the book The Kissing Hand? My mom did lots of stuff like that, and for the most part it worked. Back then, where we lived, there was no option to switch schools.
Later on, as a parent at a preschool that welcomed parents to hang around for as long as necessary, I definitely watched certain kids go into hysterics at every single drop off and then the second their parents were out of sight, they were fine, even thriving. It was like a switch turning off. One teacher remarked to me that for certain kids, the drama is like a way of maintaining their attachment to their parents. (hoo-wee, lots to unpack there, but I get it.)
Good luck making your way through these times!
Some kiddos just need a good cry/tantrum at the start of the day to release anxiety and other big feelings. I would err on the side of encouraging the expression of big feelings and NOT rewarding her to hold the feelings in. Especially since it looks like she is doing a good job of regulating her feelings at school.
Believe me I know how hard it is to start the day with a toddler screaming, begging, miserable but it will pass if you make room for the feelings.
When she says, I don’t wanna go, you can say, it’s scary to leave home, no wonder you feel such big feelings, etc. (Don’t say anything to imply that her feelings are wrong or too big)
Good Luck!
We also recently had a second child, and I've had an uptick in morning shenanigans and meltdowns from my older kid. I think he just latches on to whatever gets the most attention from me / takes attention off his little sister and makes it his routine. I think this could be what is happening at your house, too, since it seems like your daughter enjoys school when she gets there.
Hi there, sorry you are having to go through this. It's really hard with kiddos this age and it must be heart breaking to see them cry. We did switch my now 3 year old (then 2 year old) to a smaller school (he was in a fairly large preschool). I moved him due to the high teacher turnaround and as he seemed to get "lost" in a large preschool setting. He didn't refuse going to school but he just looked pretty dazed when I dropped him off and picked him up. He is currently in a small 6-1 in home daycare/preschool where he gets a lot of attention. He seems to be thriving there. I do think the more intimate setting provided a loving container for my kiddo which allowed him to thrive. I felt like the larger preschool setting was just a little too sterile and removed of connection. At his current school he gets so excited to see his teacher and even asks to go on weekends (so we know it is a good sign she's a good fit). Not sure if you are in Oakland but she has an opening for a 2/3 year old at Hugs and Kisses Bilingual Daycare. I cant recommend her enough. She was previously a special needs teacher for preschoolers and she just has a loving touch.
Infant/Toddler/PreK teacher here with over 30 years experience. There are a number of factors going on here. 1. Is she picking up on your anxiety? Do you feel guilt? Children are very perceptive. 2. Preparation is key: tell her the night before she is going to school tomorrow. If she objects, just be matter of fact and incredulous, what do you mean you don't want to go? Everyone goes to school! Just like all mommies and daddies go to work. Make it a fact, no question, no options. Just be super positive. If there are any objections, just be matter of fact. Tell her you love her, she will have a great day, and you will pick her up in the afternoon. Leave quickly. NO hesitation on your part. Don't overly explain, reason, etc. 3. 25 kids in a classroom is a LOT. A smaller environment where she can actually get one on one attention from her teachers would definitely help. 4. Lastly, the sibling is definitely a factor. Perhaps she thinks you stay at home with her sibling all day. Make sure you explain where the babies goes. And yes, try to give her one on one time as much as possible. Good luck!
Hi there,
We went through this as well with my son, now almost five years old. I really struggled with it and the guilt I felt was terrible. When he said things like that I would say something to the effect of "I totally understand that feeling and sometimes I don't feel like going to work either and school is important to get to play with friends and read books with our teachers so that we can continue to learn." I think this helped him feel heard and not dismissed. I also created specific times that we would do something fun together after school like go to the park just us or bake cookies, and that seemed to help too. I think it's more about connection and them feeling a loss of connection. It was a struggle when it was happening, but now we've gotten through it so I just want you to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Congrats on the new baby and good luck!
I would give more weight to the new sibling aspect. Our first had a huge regression when our second was born. And it manifested in odd ways. Increased tantrums, acting more like a baby to get mommy's attention, potty regression, etc. I'm sure our kid requested to stay home several times to spend time with mommy (still does). Perhaps your kid's desire to stay home is more because she doen't know how to adjust to sharing mommy and daddy's time with the new sibling. It took our first over a year to get back to "normal". And even 2.5 years later she still struggles sharing mommy and daddy time. Just last week she asked to stay home from school with mommy because her brother had a day off when she didn't. And the fact that her brother got more mommy time isn't fair in her opinion.
I wish you luck! And trust your instincts.