Married a year ... husband dies
My husband died in December of 2019 of colon cancer. We had only been married a little over a year. We were both in our 50s and had both been married before (he three times and I twice so we had had our share of troubles). We were so extremely happy to have finally found someone who felt deeply right. Our love felt limitless – we both felt it actually increased every day. After decades of relationship troubles and all the attendant misery, sadness, and anxiety we were profoundly happy. We both have young adult sons from our early marriages and a daughter each from our recent marriages – and the girls are exactly the same age (now 16). We joyfully looked forward to the future as a family – providing a happy and nurturing home for our girls and an example of a healthy relationship after the upheaval and stress of their parents’ divorces. His daughter still comes to my house on the same schedule she did before … we love each other as stepmom and stepdaughter.
My grief when he died came close to doing me in. There were times I felt I couldn’t go on – that I needed (and wanted) to die too. I held on thanks to grief support through his hospice care provider, an organization called The Cancer Support Community, books on grief, and my loving and wonderful family and friends. And I had our girls to care for – I could not abandon them by completely falling apart or giving up on life.
After almost two and a half years, things are definitely better, but I’m having trouble envisioning and enacting a life without him. I’m lonely for love but still can’t imagine being with someone else. Sometimes I’m even like What’s the point since chances are extremely low that I’d find that kind of love a second time. I feel kind of lost in limbo and sad much of the time. Memories of him – things he said, times we had, what his devotion felt like – are on a more or less continuous loop in my mind.
But I’m the kind of person who wants a partner, a love. A woman I met recently said about love, “It’s the juice of life,” and I agree. But how do I find my way to being open to meeting someone else? When I love my late husband as much as I ever did? People have said, “It will be different, but it may be just as wonderful.” Or, “You know what that kind of love feels like now so you’ll recognize it.” I agree with these ideas, but I still can’t seem to move forward. Perhaps it’s just a matter of continuing to let time pass. Perhaps at some point things will finally shift and ’ll realize I’m open to “the next chapter.”
I would appreciate any and all feedback – ideas, suggestions, stories about yourself or someone you know … anything.
Thank you so much.
Parent Replies
First of all, I am very sorry for your loss. I will just share my story in the hope that it could give you some hope. I divorced when I was in my late forties, and it was not an easy divorce: my ex-husband was deeply angry about my decision to leave and took his anger out on our son. I struggled with having to pay him child and spousal support after having supported him financially throughout our marriage, and even more than that, I struggled with his behavior. But as time went on, I found that I was indeed better off without him in every way, and I was able to pursue my own interests, be a better mom to our son, improve my work life, and find joy in many different activities. I got physically fit and grew in self-confidence. I did on-line dating and had some fun, but nothing really clicked. Still, the on-line dating helped me define what I wanted and needed, and it felt liberating to know that these on-line contacts were something I could control. That is, I could decide whether to continue in a relationship or not. As I grew in confidence, it became evident that people (including potential partners) found me more attractive and engaging. Ironically, perhaps, my sense of autonomy and independence made me a better candidate for partnership. I went to an academic conference and met my future spouse at a moment when neither of us was really actively "looking." He was divorced like me, in his 50s like me, and a parent of a son, like me. We clicked immediately, and without drama or a lot of thought, decided to make a go of it together. We married ten years ago, after four years of relationship, and we are growing in happiness and intimacy with each other all the time. So I guess I would say this: don't focus too much on finding a partner. Cultivate yourself. Find the things and people that make you happy and grow in the ways that appeal to you. You can date casually, make acquaintances, and decide to keep them as friends/partners or not. And then it may well happen for you as it do for me: you will find another life partner. I hope you do, if that is your desire.
I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. That's terrible to lose your husband so soon after you were lucky to find each other.
I don't have much else to offer you beside my sympathy. Except for one idea I had, which is a recommendation for a TV show. It's called "After Life" and it's on Netflix. It's a British comedy made by Ricky Gervais. And it's about a widower who is grappling with exactly the same issues that you seem to be dealing with. I've never been through the experience you're describing, so I feel like my best understanding of it comes from having watched this TV show. It's very well made, and worth checking out. It might trigger a lot of strong feelings in you, but it's also a comedy, so maybe it can be the source of some relief if it gives you a laugh. Best of luck to you.
I’m sorry for your loss. I highly recommend checking out the website navigatingwidowhood.com. I recently heard her speak at a conference and Julie Martella is a widow and an organizer. She understands what you are going through and can help you visualize the other side. She is delightful, charming and gentle.
I'm terribly sorry for your loss. A suggestion I can offer as you navigate the river of grief is Soaring Spirits. They're a wonderful, compassionate support organization for women and men who've lost a life partner. On Facebook, but also here is their website: http://www.soaringspirits.org/ Good luck to you.