Freshman twins struggle with friendships, outside activities

There is so much to unpack here. I do not have twins but have a teen boy also into gaming, as most are, and no one else has taken a stab at it so here goes. You say they are each other's best friend, but you also hate to see them lonely. Are they lonely or do you just feel that not having friends makes them feel lonely? How are they doing academically? It's not a red flag to see freshmen boys who have trouble making friends (especially at a big school), or who don't connect with a therapist, or who seem to have a flat affect, but it feels like a red flag to have all 3 at the same time.

So, if it were me, here is what I would do. If their academics were not on par with their peers, I would absolutely have them tested. (I would have them tested no matter what based on what you were told but that's just curious me). Neurodivergence is a big banner, I'd be curious to know what in particular the difference is, and how that might affect their social skills, executive functioning, etc. How can you know how to better parent them if you don't know what the issues are in the first place?

Next, I would require that both of them get involved in an extra-curricular activity - NOT the same one - like scouting, sports, volunteering, etc. Will this be more work for you? Absolutely. Will it benefit your kids? Absolutely. They will complain, they will make excuses and they will hate it at first, but eventually they will start to socialize with people besides each other and maybe, hopefully, they will learn that they like that, and that there is more to life than gaming with their brother.

Have you considered a social skills class (separately! not both of them at the same time)?

I understand that it is tiring, and maybe it's something they will grow out of as they mature, but I think you can absolutely help that along by trying some of the above. And hopefully there are some twin moms out there that will add more insight for you in another response.

My son, who is 16, was a lot like that as a freshman. It broke my heart when he told me he was eating alone. But my spouse, who is a therapist, was not worried. He pointed out that high school can be chaotic and maybe he needs a break from it all to regroup. I think I was putting my own high school anxieties on his shoulders. When I asked him if he was lonely, he said no. He also had no interest in sports but likes gaming. One thing that I did was require that he join a club. He now is in 3 and that’s really where  he started interacting with more people. I also found a program for him (at the Oakland zoo) that is a full day every other week (no screens). He still doesn’t have friends over on weekends but he has this whole slew of friends/acquaintances that he does this activities with on weekends. I also had a friend tell me about live action role playing and my kid tried it out and fell in love. It’s mainly adults but there are some teens and even a kid at his high school who does it.  I suggesting these things but once he started, he really fell in love. and I love that he’s going out in the world and interacting with all sorts of people. 

fyi, he has adhd and has always been socially behind his peers and then covid wiped out half of middle school. Middle school may suck for a lot of kids, but it’s when you learn a lot about how to be social! This year (his junior year), I feel like he has finally hit his stride.

not sure what you can take from our journey, but have hope! 

HI,

I am a twin and can try to lend you my perspective.  When I was in high school, I tried to seek friends outside of my twin sister, but it was not really a huge priority.  I always felt that I could fall back on my twin if the other friendships did not work out.  I also feel that as a twin, we inherently have a bond with each other that really satiates our need for another best friend.  Freshman year was a huge transition from a new school and often times many friendships have been established since elementary and middle school.  I always felt that my peers felt a little intimidated to join in our twin friendship.  I know that peers often viewed us as a complete unit and never really tried to get to know myself or my twin individually.  You mentioned that your twins are emotionally and socially immature.  Are they having fun with each other? You mentioned that your twin have little outside interests. May I suggest exposing them on a weekly basis with new hobbies, areas to explore outside the house, travel, etc? I think that your twins are going through an important adolescent transition and you still have time to help them explore and grow.  Hope this helps!

I was interested to read your post because I would describe my twins similarly. Mine are sophomores now and they have branched out a little but remain each other’s primary BFFs and focus. The thing with us is that I think I am more worried about their insularity than they are. They seem content for the most part. I have been urging them to try school clubs but they are somewhat resistant. I don’t know if this is because they are content with each other or nervous to branch out together. They once told me that people think twins have it great because they aren’t alone but that sometimes they feel “alone together.” 

I don’t know if this will help you, but even though my teen was not interested in signing up for extracurriculars, I required them to do at least one.   It is not only good for interacting with others, it is also important for college applications to show at least some level of community engagement.   Although it probably hasn’t resulted in long term friendships in my kid’s case, the group he joined is friendly, accepting and engaging and interesting.  And time spent on group activities is a nice counterpoint to solo gaming.  There are lots of clubs and teams in high school, so teens have many opportunities try out different interests to find the right fit for themselves.