Living Separate from Spouse due to Job Change and Kid Age
My husband and I lived in the Bay Area for many years and then moved out to the midwest due to a job transfer. My husband's company wants him to move back to the Bay Area. Due to my husband's work financial situation it is very beneficial for him to make this move vs. him looking for somewhat similar job in the local area. My daughter is in 7th grade. So, she would be moving as an 8th grader. We previous lived in not great school district area so we'd likely be moving to a different area with a better school district. We currently are going to a top rated (No. 1 ) school in our midwest state. As a kid I moved in 7th grade and it was the absolute worst year of my life. My daughter says she is ok with the move. She likely thinks she'll be easily connecting with her past classmates. The reality is she'd be in an entirely new school & town and having to meet all new people. She would only see childhood friends on occasional weekend.
I really don't want to move as we moved out here 3 years ago and I just feel like I'm getting settled. I've moved many, many times (10-11) throughout my childhood and grown life and I really just want to be in one place for a good chunk of time. We all absolutely loved living in CA but life is easier here in many ways. Although I have a good commute (30 mi) there's no traffic. When the weather is nice my kids can easily walk to and from school. Although our company would provide a cost of living adjustment it does not cover all the added expenses. I've enjoyed the "break on the wallet" out here and appreciate not living paycheck to paycheck. If we all move my son would be in the middle school/high school age as my daughter finishes high school so we'd sort of be stuck in CA with a high mortgage as my son finishes high school. As a working parent I've made good connections that can help me if I end up having to leave work late. I'd have to start from scratch and re-build all those. That's especially tough in more suburban areas with less dual working parent resources. So, I'm considering staying in the midwest with the kids (13 & 9) while my husband goes to CA. He only needs to work 4 more years before retirement. I do think doing this for 2 years would be easily manageable but 3-4 years would be really tough. With our vacation time I'd think we'd see each other just 8 full weeks a year. I could see that maybe in 2 years I could quit or try to find more flexible job where the kids and I could be in CA for the summers while school is out.
My husband works long hours now so during the week I feel like I'm a psuedo single parent. During the weekends he's super helpful so I know I'll miss all the great work he does. He's kind of high strung so some of the challenges w/ kid energy vs. his expectations won't be missed much.
Wondering if anyone has done separate living before and has some pros and cons I may not be considering. Due to my daughter's age this makes this decision much more time sensitive. If she was even a year younger I would think we could test this out for a year and see how things go.
Parent Replies
If your daughter is okay with the move, I'd move. Yes, it's awful to be a young person starting a new school (I had to do it a lot, including the whole new-kid-in-the-7th-grade dance), but it's worse to have a marriage fall apart. I have never seen a long distance marriage work. People may chime in that they have, but believe me, it is rare.
The wisest child rearing books told me that putting the marriage first is an essential building block of a healthy family. I won't go on about all the reasons, and I know it's counter-intuitive., but one reason is that kids are remarkably adaptable, and separated spouses grow apart. And what's the point of your kids having a dad if he's never there?
You don't say where your husband's new job would be (SF? East Bay? San Leandro?) If your daughter is going to college, you might not need as much room, bringing housing costs down. I don't think I'd buy into this market -- especially if your husband is going to retire in 4 years -- perhaps rent in a good school district? Piedmont? Also, there are magnet schools. Later, you could buy in a lower cost community where you plan to stay?
The longer you stay where you are, the harder it would be to move your kids. And then your choice about nurturing your marriage would get tougher.
It is a blow, thinking about the expense, and starting your career again. I feel for you. But life is wonderful here, don't forget.
My husband is a consultant and he used to travel almost 100% of the time for work. He would be gone from Sunday night/Monday morning to very late on Friday night/usually after midnight. Seeing each other on the weekends is very workable. I made sure that all the errands/cleaning/laundry were done during the week so that the weekends could be spent doing more fun things. When he traveled outside of the country on a 3 month assignment, it was a lot tougher.
If your husband can commute and come back to your home in the Midwest each weekend, it could work from a relationship standpoint.
All of the travel worked for us, because the cost of travel was paid by work. In your case, it seems like the cost would be paid by you. The money part of this is more difficult, since the cost of flights and a separate living space in CA during the week will really add up. Will the increase in pay will cover the cost of a second living space and flights?
Long-term, it seems like you would enjoy being in the Midwest after your husband retires in 4 years. Life really is so much less stressful in areas other than the Bay Area.
Good luck with your decision!
Our situation is sort of similar. My husband works 80 hour weeks in Silicon Valley and I will not live there, especially since he's not around at home in the evening. He rejoins the family on weekends and calls every night, it's part of the kids' going to bed ritual. It's worked out fine. I disagree with whoever posted about your marriage falling apart with distance, especially during the child-rearing years when it's all about the kids. The marriage can grow distant or closer depending on those little moments and conversations that you share, and that can happen anytime. Anyhow, hard choice. I'd say try it for a year.
I would suggest that you try for a bit to set aside the logistical aspects of the situation (finances, commute times) and focus completely on what the reality and outcomes would be for your children and your family as a whole. I know that's easier said than done, and everything plays a role in the big picture; however, in the long run what really sticks is how you raise your children and influence them toward your values.
You have a terrible memory of moving during childhood and naturally you want to spare your kids from the pain you felt. You're in excellent schools and may take a big step down academically if you move back. These are real considerations. On the other hand, four years is a very long time to go without a full-time dad. I notice you think that some aspects of your husband's fathering "won't be missed" though you appreciate his "great work." I realize you can only convey so much in a post but to my outside view it sounds like you view him more as a contractor than a father. Does this reflect the actual relationship or could you be downplaying his role in order to bolster an argument with yourself about living apart? What do your kids think about seeing their dad on a part-time basis? Will they conclude that their dad is not a necessary member of their family, and will that affect their own views of parenting and relationships? What if he can't retire in four years, or would prefer not to? It's not actually clear from your post that you've even discussed this with him (I may have missed something.)
The reason i ask these questions is because my husband and I were separated for six months before I was able to join him here in the Bay Area, and it was much more difficult than I thought. I, too, considered myself somewhat of a "pseudo-single parent" who did most of the heavy lifting, but I underestimated how important it was for our daughter to see him every day and just know he was there. She was only two at the time but I think your kids are much more vulnerable at their ages because they understand the passage of time and because they already have strong associations with their dad. Also, when you see each other rarely, even if your marriage is strong, you may spend a lot of time discussing or working on trivialities or arguing because each of you thinks you have a heavier burden. If your husband is sometimes high-strung around the kids now, how much worse might it be when the stakes are raised because he sees them so rarely? I can only speak from my own experience, but after a six-month separation (seeing each other every weekend) I can only shudder at the idea of doing that for four years.
Good luck with everything and I wish you all the best for your family however it works out.
My husband and I lived across country for 1 yr. It was very do-able but we didn't have children at the time. We always made sure to plan our next trip before our last trip ended. Always had something to look forward too. We typically planned to see each other every other weekend. Military families do it all the time and make it work but do get extra support during deployments. Maybe might be helpful to connect and see how they make it work.
Would your husband's company pay for his CA living costs and trips back to the Midwest? Could he ask for those costs to be paid since the company would have no moving expenses?
If so, I think you could make the long distance work. It sounds like you already decided you are not moving. I do agree moves are tough on kids.
It's been interesting to me to read the replies. I know people arrange their families in all kinds of ways. My two cents: Stay together -- one place or another. I think it seems to be losing the forest for the trees to think it's ok for the kids to lose their father's presence in order to not have the struggle of making new friends. I know there is more to it, but honestly. Decide to live in midwest or decide to move back. Separating the family by such a long distance for -- essentially -- the rest of your daughter's childhood seems really dangerous to me. Don't do it.
If you decided to stay there, and another person suggested to try for a year, it does not mean that your marriage will fall apart or the kids won't have a Dad near by...
My best friend stay in Venezuela for 6 years while her husband was working in the oil industry in Mexico. Their relationship was lovely but they were really not together, so I can't talk about their marriage, but the father-kids relationship was outstanding, sometimes much better and close to the kids, than lots of parents that live with their kids....I think it was about personalities, this Dad likes to talk and will skipe every night and they will talk for hours about his job, the kids projects and problems. My kids didn't even wanted to do that with us next to them...
Both kids were excellent students and socially adapted to their environments, they love their Dad, now they are together and are young adults. Again, if you think your family will be ok at communicating via internet, should be fine!
Good luck, tough decision!
My family did this when my brother & I were kids, pretty similar in age to your kids now. I was 11 in 7th grade, my brother was 8 in 4th grade. My dad took a prestigious contract job in DC for two years, and mom & the kids stayed behind in the Atlanta area. From what I recall, it was discussed that we would all move, rent in DC/rent out the family home, and then move back when the non-renewable contract was up, but we ended up not doing that for logistical reasons, and because no one had a desire to be in DC long-term.
Pros: no social upheaval for the kids, majority of the family had low cost of living (Dad had an efficiency apartment in VA), great career opportunity with an end date
Cons: not having dad around was a really big deal for my brother. Dad came home most weekends, but that wasn't enough father time. It was very distressing for him, and for my mom as a result. My mom was very stressed by the whole experience, and I definitely didn't get much of her time or attention during those years because my brother needed so much of it. We did stay in DC for a month the first summer, but everyone's routines were off and it wasn't good quality family time. We only visited for a week or two the second year. My parents marriage was tense for the first couple years after Dad returned from his post. Since I was a kid at the time, I can't say exactly what the problem was, but adult me can guess it's just hard to learn to live together again after living independently for a long time.
Based on the other responses, it's obviously really unique to each family and each marriage.
One note regarding the children's perspective--I changed schools five times in elementary and high school--so I was pleased that my older son was in the same excellent progressive private school pre-K through high school. Several years later he said to me--gee Mom, I wished I had had more experience getting used to a new school environment before I went to college.....on the other hand my younger son still claims we ruined his life by moving to the Bay Area when he started middle school...