Legal Help mentally ill young adult daughter
I don't know if this is the right forum for this question but I have a young adult daughter and a three-year-old grandson. My daughter has a mood disorder and has become increasingly demanding I have me regarding money. She has full health coverage but refuses to go to get any medication mhelp.
When My grandson was born I promised myself and the universe he would not be homeless. So I pay my daughters rent. I agreed to do this for two years and is now going on the third year. When my daughter started to only be able to hold down entry-level jobs I became concerned about my grandson's welfare. Now she is unable to even hold down entry level jobs. Now I am getting ready to retire and only want to help my financially for another two years. I have tried to make a transition plan with her to no avail. She has completed high school and certifications to become a medical assistant and certifications to become a and phlebotomist. I paid for this when she was still only 19. She has no interest in doing either of these jobs
It has become increasingly difficult for me to interact with my daughter, I am not really allowed to see my grandson without her demanding money or just refusing to let me see him. The amounts have gotten really outrageous I do want to continue to support her with regards to her apartment my question is, is there a person whose job it is to help you pay a bill for somebody who is so unstable they can't interact with you? Also since my daughter is adopted and clearly disabled mentally do I have any legal obligation to take care of her when she is threatening me and so unstable. Thank you so much
Parent Replies
You don't say how old your daughter is now, but she's over 19, since you mentioned that she had trained to be a medical assistant and a phlebotomist at that age. My understanding is that since she was legally an adult at 18, you haven't been obligated to take care of her since then. I have a troubled young adult daughter, too, and I know how difficult it is. And you have a grandson whom you love and want to protect. However, you lost me a bit when you implied that the fact that your daughter is adopted might ameliorate your responsibilities. I'm an adoptive parent, too, and I am my daughter's mother forever, as any biological mother is. Surely, when you are not distraught, you feel that, too. You are under terrible stress; your daughter is unstable and using her son as a bargaining chip. I wish you the best and, I hope someone else who responds to you will have concrete suggestions for attorneys, counselors, respite, etc.
I'm sorry to hear about your mentally ill adult daughter. That she uses your grandson as a pawn is very sad. I wish I could suggest something, someone to help..All I can offer is my understanding of your situation. I have an adult son, who has seizures, is bipolar, with learning challenges. Unlike your daughter he doesn't ask for $, 'though we help him, very modestly each month, but he gets himself into messes that typically we have to bail him out of: For ex, a 'friend' borrowed his truck (which he no longer has) had a fender bender & in payment said he'd give truck a tune-up. This guy messed up the radiator. Son seems to have a lot of irresponsible" friends" who take advantage of him one way or the other. Yet he rarely blames them..Son is hungry for friends.
You have no legal obligation to support a child who is 18 or older. If you want to help support her, and to help support your grandson, you could consider some kind of trust arrangement. You ask about someone whose job might be to pay bills for someone. Well, you can appoint a third party to administer that trust -- but you typically have to pay them a fee. It is a job, and you are paying their salary. Talk to a lawyer about these options. It sounds like you don't have concerns about your grandson's safety or health and welfare right now, which is great, but it sounds like you are worried about your ability to see your grandson and that perhaps your daughter is only letting you see him if you pay? One thing to mention is that grandparents can ask for court ordered visitation with grandchildren. You have to prove certain things like a pre-existing relationship with your grandchild to get that order. But if worse comes to worse, its good to know that is out there. Again, good to talk to a lawyer.
So sorry for such a difficult situation. You are being held hostage by your daughter, using your grandson for collateral. It sounds as if she has a strong case for mental health disability. Perhaps you could insist that she apply for disability and get evaluated, otherwise you are going to have to cut her off? That way, she would get a caseworker and the help that she seems to need. You may have to follow through with losing your grandson for awhile if she refuses. In addition, if you ever feel that he is in danger, you must be strong enough to call Child Protective Services. You can even be proactive about it, and let them know that you are a caring option should he ever have to temporarily be removed from her custody.
As a retiree, you cannot continue to jeopardize your security in order to allow her to not get the help that she needs. She is an adult. No matter what her situation is, she is legally responsible for it, not you. You have no financial obligation to her at all. There is a public safety net for this. Another good resource is dialing "211." They can help connect her to all kinds of public resources.
You might want to contact NAMI. They have some Bay Area Chapters. Then you could talk about this with people in similar situations.
https://www.nami.org/