Kid doesn’t like school
My 9yr old has never really liked the “school” part of school and I’m wondering if there’s anything we can do to change that. He does fine academically, has friends, so that doesn’t seem to be the problem, it’s just that it’s not “fun”, he doesn’t like all the rules and each grade gets less and less free time. He can’t identify anything he likes about the school lessons and is generally pretty grumpy when talking about school. He will do homework when prompted but often “forgets” his homework folder. He will try his best to avoid tasks he doesn’t like in class but will eventually do them at half effort. Subjects he’s better at he will put in more effort. Learning does not seem exciting or carry joy in accomplishment. It does not appear to be an issue of boredom because he knows everything already or a learning disability issue. I feel sad for him that thinking or talking about school puts him in a bad mood and worried because there’s still a long road ahead of school and higher stakes the older he gets. Any strategies or ideas to shift his attitude or approach? Does this translate into very difficult middle and high school years? I remember school being a grind but I also could find enjoyment in learning and in the school week more days than not.
Parent Replies
Hi,
A lot of families consider a switch to homeschooling when this happens so they can customize their child's education, not recreate school at home, and make learning more relevant, interactive, and engaging. The Homeschool Association of California offers free Homeschool 101 sessions and has a lot of info on their website to learn about options.
I’m sorry. This sounds tough to navigate. Have you spoken to his previous or current teachers about this? They seem like a great place to start to help identify any challenges that your kid isn’t/can’t name. Seasoned educators also usually have a lot of helpful strategies and tips.
My other suggestion - which may NOT be what a seasoned educator would recommend, but sometimes works with my kid when he’s less than motivated about tasks - is some sort of reward system. Like a sticker chart or points system. Eg: for every day he remembers to bring home his homework folder (and/or then does his homework unprompted), he gets a sticker/point. After 10/15/20 points (some stretch but obtainable in 2-4 weeks goal), he gets something he really enjoys: a lunch just with you, trip to a book store, movie and popcorn outing/at home, coveted game/toy, etc. Sometimes, getting over that initial hump with a reward is enough to keep going. Sometimes we need to keep the rewards going for a few more rounds. I also try to find real-world relevance for the things my kid is learning in school. We do this a lot with math. And tie his further learning to knowing more about the how and the why in the real world.
Wishing you good luck in finding something that helps!
Your concerns are valid. We went through something similar. We ended up switching to a small progressive private school in the 3rd grade . That helped as private school we went to had no mandatory homework and a lot of outdoors time and hands-on projects.
We went back to a more traditional middle school and the child became more and more disengaged. It got to a point that it wasn’t just homework refusal. It became a school refusal. The kid vehemently refused school and there was nothing we could do but to pull the kid out of school.
This is the point when we became desperate and paid for a comprehensive neuropsych evaluation out of pocket. Our school district psychologist and kids’ teachers kept saying our kid is fine both in public and private school. (In 6th grade, the private evaluation showed that our child has stealth dyslexia, anxiety disorder, and adhd inattentive type, but grades were never impacted and kid was never disruptive in school, so the kid was considered fine at school. Child is highly intelligent and thus masked fairly well in school until they couldn’t anymore.)
We homeschooled for a while until we could figure out our next move. If our family circumstances could allow homeschooling, it could be a decent option. But, we couldn’t do it for a long term.
We found a small progressive private middle school where the kid no longer says they hate school. Being ADHD (inattentive type), completing work that does not interest them is a real slog but many teachers at this school are also neurodivergent/ understanding. They focus more on building executive functioning and self advocacy.
I share our experience because your child sounds a lot like ours. Avoided school work, often forgets homework folder. Didn’t have anything joyful to say about school. The avoidance only grows as they grow and it can balloon into a serious anxiety issue.
If you have any inkling that your kid may not be neurotypical, do not wait. Get your child assessed and don’t skimp on this cost.
Another possibility could be the social aspect of school. It turned out there was a bully but we didn’t know and kid never said anything…
My 18 y/o son was definitely like this - bright but never liked school, even though he did well. I just think some kids aren't that into school.
It got a little better in high school when he started receiving academic awards & was working hard to get into college, but I would never say he liked it that much. Luckily being with friends made it better for him.
One thing I will say is that you mention the 'forgetting' his homework folder, which sounds a little like there may be an attention or focus issue you may want to consider, that would definitely make the whole experience less fun/interesting. Other than that I'd say that boys can be challenging, and I wish you all the best!
Have you considered getting a neuropsych assessment? This sounds like ADHD might be a factor.