How to stay patient with 3-year-old
My 3-year-old daughter is going through a really challenging, bossy phase – and I'm finding it really hard not to lose it. It's really frustrating. Her mood changes on a dime from sweet to angry, and she loves to contradict *everything* my husband and I say – if we say the sky is blue, she'll insist it's green...and get mad at us if we don't agree with her. She insists on doing everything her way, which we generally go along with unless it's unsafe...but sometimes there just isn't time or it isn't practical or I start to resent feeling like everyone needs to go along with her every whim. Cue a huge stand-off. Combine that with a stubborn personality she's had since babyhood, and I feel like it's constant squabbling in our household. She also says stuff like, "I don't like you!" and "You're wrong!" and "I'm the boss of you and you have to do what I say!" that are just rude. (Her older brother had a hard phrase at 3, but nothing like this.)
With all the sassy talk and disrespect, I feel like we need to draw the line somewhere – but I don't even feel like counting down from 3 or imposing time-outs are working. Well, they work temporarily to reinforce that she's done something wrong, but a half-hour later she's back to her old behavior. I've read a few blog posts that suggest that this is just a phase and I should try to ride it out until she's older. But sometimes I feel like she's intentionally pushing my buttons, and unfortunately it works. I've probably yelled more over the past 6 months than I did in the 6 years before that. I hate yelling at her, and I also feel like I'm just giving her license to yell at me when *she's* upset. (She's very observant and aware of hypocrisy...which will serve her well later in life.)
Does anyone have any advice that isn't "more time outs" or "1 2 3 Magic"? Does this kind of horrible behavior really just magically go away after a child turns 4?
Parent Replies
I just wanted to respond to tell you that I could've written your post word for word. My 3-year-old daughter is exactly the same. She's always been stubborn but it's really coming out now. We are at the end of our rope too (see my post about her pooping from this same newsletter). In terms of what to do, I have no idea. We also do time-outs like you, which work for the short-term but not long-term behavior. We also have an older 6-year-old son who was nothing like this. So all this to say no advice, but if you ever want to talk about our bossy 3-year-old daughters so we can hope and pray that they turn out to be decent human beings, I'm always willing. :)
Yes. I have some advice Stop yelling. She is loving that she can get you all worked up. Then, after you have learned to control yourself. the timeouts might work better. When doing time outs, make sure that you work on one thing at a time, and let the other stuff slide.
I empathize with you 100%. My daughter turned 3 last month but I honestly feel like she started with a lot of this bossiness and just general obstinance early into being 2. And it certainly didn't help to hear strangers remark that her sassiness was "cute" or generally joke how she must be a handful and add a chuckle. It almost seemed to fuel her sassiness. I also have a nearly 5 year old son and he also has had similar boundary-pushing period but like you and your children, the younger really seems to be trying to outdo their predecessor.
So while I'm currently in the thick of it (you're not alone!) I did want to offer that I've taken a hard line on enforcing the consequences I outline. I do it with both my son and daughter so they can see that I mean what I say. "We're leaving the park in 5 minutes" means, we are leaving the park in 5 minutes. Not 5 minutes and then let's do one more round at the swings. You don't listen or you throw a tantrum, you lose X privilege. Follow through! I once boxed up every last toy and book my son had in his room and locked it in a closet. I don't like being the bad guy but the follow through is the only thing that gives weight to your words and your authority.
My husband and I make a very concerted effort not to contradict one another in front of the kids. He thought the taking away ALL the toys seemed a little harsh but he never said so to the kids. We show a united front because: Stronger together (not just a political tagline!). We also emphasize that we are the boss because as their parents, we are in charge of keeping them safe and healthy and if we fail at that imperative, they could be hurt or we could end up in jail. Neither are desirable. The exception here is we do tell her she is the boss of her own body. We've found that this is a good principle for explaining that she can not use her body to harm others. No one is making her hit her brother on the head but herself and she is responsible for those actions. And that goes both ways so she is entitled to protect herself if people are trying to harm her. (Operative word there being "harm" because washing that week old stamp off your belly from swim class is not causing harm - it's employing good hygiene :P)
I've also greatly appreciated the evening skim I gave "The Happiest Toddler on the Block." I read that when my son was going through his difficult phase but seemed too young to grasp the 1-2-3 Magic concepts.
Stay strong fellow parent!
Hello there, I can totally relate to the frustration! I highly recommend you look up the parenting advice book by Laura Markham called "Peaceful parents, happy kids". She also has a website called "Aha Parenting" (http://www.ahaparenting.com/) which has a wealth of information if you don't want to buy the book. The basic concept is that kids misbehave and act out mostly because they feel disconnected from their parents... and that more/better connection leads to better behavior and kids end up actually "wanting" to cooperate with, rather than to oppose their parents. I know it sounds too good to be true but we've been following her advice since our son was about 1 year old (when he started discovering "no" and the power of opposition...), and all I can say is that Markham's advice really works for us. She encourages you to step into the shoes of your kids and empathize, no matter how silly you might initially think the tantrum or conflict is about... all the while setting limits (this is far from advocating permissive parenting). The idea is that the more trust our children have in us (trusting that we are on their side, that we've got their back, that we love them unconditionally), the more they will *want* to follow our lead. It sure is hard to keep your cool when these little humans push all the right buttons, but with the proper support from this method of parenting, it gets easier and easier, and when you start seeing actual results (happens quite quickly, in fact)... it is so rewarding! Good luck with your journey - you are totally on the right path by seeking out a practical way out of yelling.
Look into Hand in Hand Parenting! I promise you it works. It is a punishment free approach to parenting where fostering a connection with your children is the answer! There are also great tools that help you to calm down as well, identify your triggers, and give you an outlet to the immense stress of parenting!! Best of Luck.
This is the worst secret that nobody tells us: The age of three is a nightmare! Everyone jokes about the "terrible twos" but three is just the WORST. The blog posts are correct, in my opinion; I read the same thing in the Louise Bates Ames book "Your Three Year Old: Friend or Enemy." She basically said back off, outsource as much of the caregiving as you can manage, and wait it out. I know it's frustrating, and you worry that you're somehow spoiling her, but -- and I recommend the book for a deeper explanation -- basically, the thing you said at the end is what happens: The horrible behavior just goes away after a few months. I know it sounds insane and it's the kind of thing that makes child-free people roll their eyes at us, believe me, I know. But it's just a weird awful time. She WILL come back to you.
When she is being a behaving in a way that makes you not want to be around her, then leave! This is also called giving yourself a timeout. Tell her "I don't like the way you are talking to me right now so I am going into my room and shutting the door. When you are ready to be polite, I'll come back." If your bedroom doesn't have a lock on it, go in the bathroom. I'm not saying it will "cure" her of the behavior. I still have to use the technique on my teenager, unfortunately. But it's a lot better than yelling, because that just makes you feel bad.
Hi I have a 3 year old son and a 4 year old daughter-- I feel your pain. I too go through phases of yelling at my kids and it does feel terrible. I know it feels impossible. I've even swatted my kids on the bottom a couple of times, which previously seemed unthinkable and something I swore I would never do before I had kids. (And for the record, it never helps. Makes everything worse!)
But what has helped me immensely is the book, "How To Talk So (Little) Kids Will Listen." There's one for older kids and this one is for kids 2-7. It's been a life saver. It gives you tips and specific phrases to use for all manners of power struggles and undesirable behavior. It really works. It's based on active listening and appealing to the playful nature of small children.
I used to feel so guilty if I didn't follow the RIE or Waldorf style parenting. So at first I thought a lot of the book seemed like it was telling you to manipulate your kids. But it's not. It just puts you more inside the mind of a child so you can relate to them and actually help them and get them to listen. Instead of yelling, fighting, and threatening them, which is what I was doing.
There are so many relateable scenarios and suggestions for what to try. Including little comics that explain what the kid might be thinking.
There is even a section on kids who are especially spirited, or who otherwise don't fit the mold of a typical kid.
It has saved me and made me much more sane and less emotional dealing with my kiddos. Good luck!
Wow, that sounds tough and definitely reminds me of my strong-willed boy. I think the main thing is to remember your child is calling out for help, empathy and understanding and is absolutely not trying to torture you. It is literally not about you. It is about the phases your daughter is going through. So, when she is acting out in some way, remember to take a deep breath then enforce boundaries calmly and consistently. When she is melting down, hold her, sit with her listen to her. Don't try to make her stop. Don't argue with her when she wants her way, just repeat back to her "you wish we could do it that way" then calmly enforce the boundary (for example if it is a car seat struggle, repeat to her that she wishes she didn't need to buckle in then when she is calm and feels heard, proceed to buckle her in). I highly recommend the book "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk". Good luck mama.
honestly I don't really have any magic insight except to say a lot of what you described above could also apply to my daughter. I will say that things seem to be getting a little bit easier as we pass the 4 mark. Honestly it's been a really tough year (I have twins and her brother is tricky too but does not push my buttons in the same way).
The book "How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen" has a lot of tools and ideas for working with this phase. My son isn't there yet but I've seen the approach applied with my nephews (2 and 5) and it really seems to help. The philosophy is the same as Faber and Mazlish's classic "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk," but in this one all the examples are for younger kids.
All I can say is that I empathize with you as my 3 1/2 year old son is going through a similar challenging phase. I have found Hand in Hand Parenting to be a very helpful resource, and I have seen his behavior improving, especially by using their "Staylistening" technique. It takes a lot of time and patience, but I have seen progress.
Hello
My family saw Rebecca Freeling in Berkeley. She was able to help us work through our difficulties in a way that really worked for our family. We still contact her for advice when needed even though we no longer go regularly. I highly recommend her! Below is her number
+1 (614) 769-3563
Best Wishes
Tami