How can I help unmotivated 19 year old son?
Our son is a very immature 19 year old. He dropped out of high school and can't seem to hold a job, When not sleeping, he is on computer screens. We rent a room in a house where he lives. We also pay for his food and medical expenses. We tell him that graduating high school should be his highest priority. We have offered to pay for a tutor. He cannot manage money, He eats poorly and does not exercise. He has extreme social anxiety. He has no social life. He rarely leaves his room. He has begun speaking about suicide. He will not see a therapist (he was in therapy for years) or work with a life coach. He refuses all help. I assure him that I love him and provide food and shelter. But I don't want him to feel comfortable in his current state .I tell him that I wish he would let me help him make a plan for how to graduate high school. I tell him that at some point he will need to support himself. I don't know what more I can do. Legally, he is an adult. Thank you for any ideas about how to help him and find support for myself.
Parent Replies
Although your son is legally an adult, he is not acting like an adult. Since you are supporting him, you can definitely impose some rules that go with your support. Have you considered a gap year program like SOAR? Has he been evaluated for ADHD or learning disabilities? My young adult son with ADHD would like nothing better than to sit in his room all day on screens, not eating, not exercising, and being generally unpleasant (he doesn't believe any of this). In exchange for our continued support, we are requiring him to travel and are enrolling him in supportive programs with minimal screen access. He has chosen these programs, though not without some drama. There are lots of gap year programs that might fit the bill for your son, and some of them come with college credit that he could apply towards high school. We've seen a remarkable difference after just a month or two of new experiences and no video games, and he seems to have no trouble fitting into these programs. Shockingly, we discovered that he even manages his money when out in the world. We're hoping that after a year or so of this he'll be able to come home and attempt college, but at the very least he's getting some time to grow up without screens. Good luck!
I have a 19-year-old as well. In a similar situation but did manage to graduate high school. Honestly it sounds to me like your son is accepting plenty of help, but only from you. You are basically enabling his dysfunction by giving him everything he needs to exist on his own terms. Unfortunately that’s not the way the world works. I would suggest that if he does not want to get therapy or medication or in any way addressed his anxiety, you give him less help. For example you could give him notice and cut off his phone and/or Internet access. If you pay for it you don’t have to continue it. You can buy him only what it would take to physically sustain him – rice and beans and some kind of vegetable– carrots have a good shelf life. If he needs Internet, he can go to an Internet café. If he needs money, he needs to get a job. His housing and his food are paid for, so he would not need a particularly good job, and there are plenty of menial jobs out there, just something to get him through and that might get him started. My first job was scooping ice cream. My son currently works at a summer camp washing dishes and serving the kids dinner. Once summer is done, he will be having to look for a job and housing, but he knows the deal and while he has the money, he does not want to spend it on incidentals. He wants to save it . Our son has been given notice (he was living at home) that he cannot stay at home and I think/hope he has gotten used to that idea. We are waiting with bated breath to see what happens with him. We are very worried. But we know that the former situation of him living at home spending all his time on the computer or in bed (or both) and failing his classes at the JC and becoming increasingly toxic towards us, was not sustainable and not good for anybody, most especially him. I love my son too much to watch him waste time coasting downhill when there are so many opportunities and options open to him. I know that you do too. Toughlove is really tough.
This is a difficult situation. In general I think it's a really bad idea to pay for an over-18 year old's expenses if they refuse to go to school or get a job. The more you financially support their choice to do nothing (paying for screens, wifi, rent, etc.) the less motivation your adult kid has to come up with some sort of plan of their own. But because your son is talking about suicide and he sounds really depressed, I can see how you might be afraid to start cutting back on all you are doing for him.
In any case, I'm not sure focusing on high school is the most important thing right now. It sounds like the first priority is mental health help, and if he won't see a therapist, maybe he could at least agree to talk to a psychiatrist for a medication evaluation? And if he's threatening suicide he may need to be hospitalized. Also, though maybe you don't want him living in your house (completely understandable) I wonder if you renting him his own place is too comfortable and at the same time is increasing his isolating and loneliness.
First I want to say this is a very hard situation as a parent. I am sorry you and your son are going through this. It seems to me your son is in crisis. It is true he is an adult but you are paying all of his expenses, therefore you have some leverage. I believe your son would benefit from either a Wilderness Therapy or Residential Therapy for his depression. Did he have an IEP in school? That can help you until he graduates High School or until 21 I believe. There is a Facebook Group called WTRS Wilderness Therapy and Residential Search. There are many many folks on there with lots of experience on the group. They can help with advice, support and recommendations. Additionally there is a Parent/Guardian support group call Willows in the Wind that meets monthly (currently remotely) that also provides support, ideas, and resources. I wouldn't wait if he is having suicidal ideation. You can also use a 5150 and include Berkeley Mental Health Crisis in the call to have him admitted to a hospital if you believe he is a danger to himself.
My sympathy on this difficult situation. I have a close friend in Georgia whose son also dropped out of high school. Interestingly, she did NOT push him to finish high school. She provided a place to live, health insurance, and maybe food in the home--but he was completely on his own for spending money. There was not an issue with substance use. Fast forward a few years--he came to her and said he wanted to take the high school equivalency exam, passed it, went to community college, then Georgia State, is now a documentary film maker and doing well. Each situation is unique--I'm just suggesting it may help to step back and clarify what you are willing to do (and not do), maybe with the help of therapist for yourself...this stuff is hard.
This sounds so hard! It’s good you’re asking for help & different points of view because it sounds like it’s difficult for you to get perspective. I agree with others that your continued support without expectations is a problem. You are being controlled by him & confirming some idea that he is still a baby while also allowing him to sleep & play computer games all day- not what you’d allow a baby to do!
id stop paying for internet, and a smart phone. Just his rent & medical expenses & food until he agrees to a treatment program. If he threatens suicide take him seriously & call the police. you can set limits lovingly- assuring him you are doing this for his good- like you keep babies/toddlers safe.
I am really sorry. Lexapro did help my son with social anxiety and depression. I would haul him in to a psychiatrist (in person or online) for an assessment if at all possible, but I get that it might not be possible. For myself I went into individual therapy for support and also got an Ativan prescription, but I've heard NAMI has groups. Maybe if you saw a psychiatrist once (if your son won't go) they could give you some advice. I think psychiatrists just have broader knowledge in certain areas than psychologists/LCSW/therapists, having dealt with both. I am very sorry that your son is speaking about suicide, that must be so sad for you to hear.