Handling questions/observations about donor-conceived baby

I can’t imagine you’d need to say more than a simple “Yes, isn’t that interesting?” Anyone who pushes to know more beyond that is just being rude (and I think would be highly unusual this day & age in our location), and just needs a stare-down…

Congratulations on the arrival of your new baby! My daughter was conceived with donor sperm and because she does actually have some resemblance to my trans husband (we searched for donor sperm that fit his physical characteristics), we get these comments a lot. I think generally people aren't thinking deeply about these comments and just intend to make conversation about your children. It is just something people say. Though it can feel a bit odd (internally you are like - well they aren't actually genetically related....) I usually just let the comments roll! It doesn't really feel like a lie to me - just like I don't tell strangers that my husband is trans. Also - sometimes/often kids don't look much like their genetically related parents or siblings! I think you'll figure out what feels right for you. 

We get this all the time for our adopted son, now in his twenties. He has a similar skin tone to my husband's and they are both quite tall but other than that it's a stretch to say they resemble each other. But I always say "Yes, they do look alike, don't they!" and smile. They SORT of do and after all, all of us humans are related some way or other!  Besides it's just a very common thing people to say to ALL parents of new babies - it's just small talk. Sometimes I do correct people if there's a good reason - it's the pediatrician, or it's someone who adopted their child too. But generally I just let it pass. 

My second son is biological, and when he was a baby, I took care of another baby for a couple years so I could stay at home. I tooled around Berkeley with two babies in a double stroller. The two were the same age and the same size, but my son was blond and Jewish with blue eyes, and the other baby was full-on Japanese and resembled a tiny sumo wrestler. They looked nothing like each other. An older lady at the park came up to me one time and said "Cute babies! Are they twins?" I was flabbergasted. I sputtered out something like "No, but they are really good friends!" and smiled and there it ended. 

By the way, regarding the baby you carried that is not biologically related to you.  Cells can travel both ways across the placenta so you probably have a cell line in your blood and tissues that came from the baby, and the baby has cells from you. Look up Microchimerism - it's pretty interesting!

My sister adopted both of her daughters and none of them are related (at all) yet still throughout their lives people have commented how either the girls look alike, how one looks like her dad (they are both tall, that’s the extent of the resemblance), how different they all look, and on and on. People are curious (nosy?) by nature. I always found my sister’s reply — which she still uses to this day and the girls are 27 & 30! — to be the best: she simply says, “I know! Isn’t it amazing?!” Full stop. Leaves it there. It’s now an inside joke among all of us and the twinkle in her eye (and her girls’) is the best, especially when it’s clear that the stranger, or even sort of friend at a family wedding or whatever clearly wants more info. They are always stopped dead in their tracks. What, really, can one say if a parent simply says that? Will they really pry further? I guess if they do, or if they have, you can keep saying, “We find it to be so amazing!”

People don't need your family's personal information.  I suggest finding a line you feel comfortable with and just delivering it every time, wether people say that the kids look alike or look different. Something along the lines of "yup, well they are definitely sisters!" or "yeah! she is both so much like her sister and also her own little person!" Easy breezy, delivered with a smile and without angst, and clear you don't owe anyone anything more. How you do it will be a model for your kids in the coming years.

Just laugh! You don't have to say a thing. People's "comments" usually have more to do with making polite conversation or friendly connection to you as fellow parents. Or, if you want to be friendly back, just say whatever you want--most anyone who lives around here understands that families are made in many different ways.

I am adoptive parent. If people are not asking questions, and just commenting that the kids look similar, or don't look similar, there is no need to really answer. My daughters don't look like each other (2 separate adoptions) so whenever someone says "oh they don't look like each other at all" - I just smile and move on. I don't think there is a need to explain family history, unless you are close to someone and would like to give the details. I have never had someone come up to me and say, " they don't look like each other. Why?" Until someone does, I will let comments be comments.

My second son was conceived by donor egg and carried by a surrogate. Although my communication style is usually very forthright, when someone comments that my younger son looks like me, I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “Thank you!” (and nothing more). Perhaps if someone comments about how your children don’t look like siblings and you don’t feel like sharing private info, you could be vague and say something like, “Oh, don’t you think so?” or “Sometimes siblings/family members look very different from each other.”  I only share private information with medical professionals and with people I know who are contemplating alternatives for family building.

Congratulations on your beautiful, recently expanded family!

Congrats on your beautiful family! 
You are correct -  the DNA details are no one else’s business. 
I adopted from China and I fielded a huge range of questions. Some days I was more sensitive than others. Folks are often quite rude about personal questions about babies. 
“How much did you pay?” was one of the worst. 
(“Less than a hospital birth,” became my go-to answer.

It’s not lying to comment about who looks like whom. And between the four of you there will be common mannerisms that will make you appear more similar. And for the ruder comments about NOT looking alike, you can always lighten things up by saying something like you think your daughter looks like Zendaya or pick your movie star. 
Best Wishes
 

Congratulations on your new baby! Adopted person here, recalling a time when my mom and I were at a coffee shop and the person behind the counter commented on how much we looked alike...we laughed and laughed. I agree with the other posters, you don't need to share details with strangers or even acquaintances if you don't want to. I don't like people talking about how my kids look at all (both femme cis girls) because of all the socialization for girl-identified people to focus on their looks/weight/clothing. There's also no guarantee that genetically-related siblings will look alike, or have similar personalities or interests. So you could say to any of these people, "You think so? How interesting," and then move on. Or you could redirect to developmental milestones or personality traits, such as how similar/different their sleep habits have been. As far as your kids, seems like a good opportunity to talk about what your family's boundaries are with sharing personal information and the concept that we don't need to tell everyone everything (especially in the internet age).

I always knew I was adopted (and my younger sister too) and my parents emphasized how much they wanted children and were so glad to get us. I knew they had to go through a lot of steps to get us, and so I felt loved and wanted and not at all ashamed. Your kids' backgrounds are their personal story of being intentionally brought into the world - it may be unique, but it's not strange, it's special! Lean into the love that brought them here, hopefully they will grow to appreciate how lucky they are. =)

Husband and I are of northern Euro descent, daughter is from Guatemala, and we are a family via adoption.

Miss Manners and Dear Abby would no doubt agree that your kids' genetics are not other people's concern, and Miss Manners would have a snappy yet courteous comeback, along the lines of, "I beg your pardon!"

If somebody says the kids look alike, just say thanks. If they say the kids don't, you can reply that one takes after you, the other after your wife. (These are honest answers!) Then change the subject.

You -- and sadly, your kids -- will still get stuck with a lot of inappropriate questioning or comments from people who ought to know better, like friends and family. Those interactions will be harder to dodge.  I think this will be more of an issue for you and your kids, particularly as your kids enter adolescence, than what strangers ask about them now.

You and your wife, as adults, can armor yourself against nosy questions, but you can already see it's not easy.  It's harder for kids, and making sure they can manage the inevitable questions and comments is an important challenge.

A big part of this is making sure your kids are strong within themselves about their origins.  Your kids will have their own questions, and providing clear, honest answers will help them in the outer world. I believe it will be easier for them if they grow up understanding where they came from, rather than getting it handed to them when they are "old enough to understand." It will also be very important to ensure they both feel loved by both of you. If you can establish and maintain contact with both the egg and sperm donors, that may also help center your kids in their sense of themselves. (Or not -- we're in contact with our daughter's birth family and our daughter has shown zero interest in knowing them.)   

I used to get this comment a lot about my stepson. Aside from us not being related, we really didn't look alike! It is just small talk with an intention to be friendly, so i usually just smiled and changed the subject. Now that he's an adult, this never comes up, probably because it's less obvious that we have a mother-son relationship. 

Not an adoptive/donor conceived parent, but I grew up with a brother who shared only one biological parent with me (our mom). We were both raised by the same dad (from early childhood for him & birth for me) but they aren't biologically related. My brother still tells a story about a time when the two of them were checking out at a store & the clerk said they looked alike, and our dad just put his arm around my brother and smiled and said "Thank you!" My brother remembers this really fondly. We still get comments sometimes about their resemblance and generally just let them pass by as pleasantries.