Enraged at husband for unwillingness to have a vasectomy

I don't know if this is helpful or not but to me, the reason for his refusal would make a difference. If my husband was just chicken about surgery, or post-operative pain, or fearful of anesthesia, then I would feel pretty much like you (super angry). But, if sadness over losing his fertility was at the root of the problem, I'd be more understanding.  What if you died in a car accident and he wanted to remarry and have another child? It would be hard for me at least to not respect someone's desire to hang on to their ability to procreate.  It's a bit of the flipside of being pro-choice when it comes to women and their bodies, I guess.  

yeah dude, my husband pulled the same crap. He actually said, after my last pregnancy, that he was gonna do it, but conveniently forgot. He just won't. I could get my tubes tied, but that's much more invasive, and as you note -- ONCE AGAIN the burden is on the keeper of the womb. It's frickin' ridiculous. I didn't get over-the-top mad, personally, mainly because I'm just too tired and beaten down by life to muster up a lotta rage these days. I used NuvaRing. There's just some culturally-induced paranoia in these guys. They all think they're Charlie Chaplin and they're going to pump out babies with Oona O'Neil well into their 80s. 

I can appreciate your frustration and anger.  But... Unless you and your husband agreed that he'd eventually have to have a vasectomy, it's not surprising he doesn't like the idea of having it.  Objectively, this isn't a big deal, but for a man vasectomy may mean many things we women do not understand.  I know my husband would never agree to a vasectomy, same as he'd never agree to color or augment his hair, or try to eat meat (he's been a vegetarian his entire life, and to him any changes to body are unnecessary).  And, I know of a couple where the husband had to undo the vasectomy he had done in his previous marriage.  You may think you are "one and done", but what if he's not hundred percent sure? What if you divorce?  Or, god forbid, something happens to your only child?

Vasectomy is permanent. Sure, they can try reversing it, but it doesn't always work.  If your husband doesn't want to do it, he must have good reasons for it.  It's his body, and you can't pressure him into doing something to it.  But, you can enforce it that he has to wear a condom during sex, and consider other ways to prevent pregnancy.  

I think that you have every right to be angry. Men just don't understand the toll that the hormones take on us. They just don't get it. 

But- what I've also noticed is that men are very weird about their dicks. They love them. They want them exactly how they are and they don't want a doctor cutting on them. I think that it's a big part of their masculine identity. So there are definitely men who are completely irrational on this subject. They're afraid that somehow they won't be virile anymore and that they won't enjoy sex as much. They're also afraid that the knife could slip and they could lose all enjoyment in life. I think that if you can approach future discussions keeping this in mind that they might go better. Remember that to him this isn't a little thing at all, it's the most important thing.

There's always the chance as well that he wants to preserve his options to have more kids in the future with someone else. I hope that that is not what's going on but if it is I'd run as fast as possible.

Good luck to you.  

You are NOT alone in your anger. The health issues you are dealing with most definitely call for  sharing of the burden of birth control within your marriage. I hope couple's therapy helps you both. But this attitude is a problem for our entire society. Birth control is seen as solely a woman's issue, with some rare enlightened exceptions. Once a couple passes to a place where STI's aren't an issue, everyone just accepts condoms are no fun and it's on the woman. The pill often suppresses the female libido--it did for me--so sex is not as enjoyable. What's fun about that? Other kinds of female birth control have serious health effects, as you know. Even diaphragms can cause urinary infections. And those ever-louder voices that condemn family planning of any sort still place it all on the women. Men are strangely absent from this discussion, as if women get pregnant on their own. Men should see family planning as an important choice for their lives--give up sex, use condoms, or have twenty children to support. Your husband is getting all these messages: that restricting birth control and sex education only impacts women, that condoms are no fun and vasectomies make you less of a man, that we should all just hush up about this and accept what nature has dealt us, except of course to insist insurance companies cover Viagra. Your anger is an expression of a great injustice to all women, and please do not let anyone tell you that you are overreacting. We should all be as honest and self-caring.
 

Just wanted to say that I sympathize with you. I think your anger is absolutely justified, and that women (more or less) always have to shoulder the burden of birth control, not to mention all the other loveliness that comes with our anatomy. That said, I had my tubes tied minutes after my second c-section, & also repair of the hernia I developed during that pregnancy. It was all scheduled and planned, and the recovery was lengthy and awful. I had suicidal postpartum depression after two births, a near-death experience with the delivery of my first child, a miscarriage & emergency d&c (without anaesthetic!), chronic bladder infections after sex, and much, much more in the pain and humiliation department. I can say with some confidence, however, that if I had asked my husband to get a vasectomy, he would have done it. He does understand what women go through, because he's seen me go to hell and back, and is somehow willing to receive the information. So I hope that your husband gets the message, and that you get what you need in this situation.

I totally hear you - I was really frustrated when my husband refused to get a vasectomy, especially because the female sterilization procedures are way more invasive.  It helped me to think about it from his perspective though.  I would be extremely upset if he were pressuring me to do something to my body that I didn't want to.  He was always very supportive about my choice of birth control (even when it was condoms) because he knew that it was 100% my decision.  So, I decided to afford him the same respect.  Ultimately, it's his body, his choice. 

I totally feel you. And at the same time, he has the right to not want a medical procedure forced upon him, as disappointing as it is that he wouldn't want to do it FOR you. But there is another option: Condoms.

I recommend you tell him simply: "You are responsible for buying, wearing, disposing of, and otherwise dealing with birth control from now on. No condom, NO SEX ... (period)"

No advice to give, only support. You are on point here.

I have had two friends who went through tge same thing. Interestingly, both handled it the same way. Both told the husbands that the birth control would be in the man's jurisdiction. That leaves three options: vasectomy, condoms or abstinence. After only a few months both husbands caved and got the vasectomy!  

My DH also didn't want to get a vasectomy. He was worried about the pain, how sex would feel afterwards, etc.  I was disappointed but not enough to make an issue. We went back to using the rhythm method (which we had used successfully for 8 years) which meant that I was in charge of keeping track. But then I (the breadwinner) got laid off from my job and with the stress and worry about not having a job, whoops, we got pregnant.  I was scared but excited while my husband was super worried (because of the health scares we had with previous pregnancies).  Ended up that there was no heartbeat at the 8 week ultrasound (now I know why it is called the 'confirmation' appointment), and I had to have a D&C. He held my hand during the procedure while I cried and then, without me asking, he scheduled his vasectomy.  

Now fast forward 3 years, the sex is GREAT(!) and it is so nice not to have to keep track of my fertility and worry about getting pregnant.