Custody schedule for 3 and 11 year old
My husband and i have been married 12 years, together for 14 and after some serious issues (not substance abuse or violence) i asked him to move out and he has been staying with a friend for 3 weeks. While there is still a chance of reconciliation i am starting to realize it might not happen and trying to educate myself on how to navigate this.
I did meet with a lawyer and have all the practical info i need but i am wondering about custody. Due to his work schedule, there is no way we can do 50/50. Best i could come up with while talking with the lawyer was 35/65 and even that will require some creativity
My husband has always had the main job while i worked part time and did everything else. He has never done getting the morning routine or evening one alone, except when we had one child and maybe twice. He isn't a bad person he just has no concept of what it takes to parent all day. Since the separation we have kept things loose where he visits but he has made little efforts to do so more than what is convenient for him.
I am trying to think of a schedule that would balance our children's needs for consistency and one that would also be something i can function with. The obvious is for me to have them during the week and he on week end but that seems somewhat unfair that i would deal with all the school stuff, after school activities, tutors etc..while he can pretty much do the fun stuff on week ends. On the other hand, if we do a different kind of schedule won't it be disruptive for the kids?
So i am looking for practical feedback based on experience. i am fairly confident he won't argue with whatever i come up with as long as it's not too complicated for him (sigh)
anon
Parent Replies
As a 3 custody battle veteran i have learned:
*Weekend fun costs money.
*Fair is a ridiculous joke concept. *Compromise will rule the day-so choose wisely & prepare to give up for a request.
* You WILL at some point become angry or intensely disagree- plan an absolutely nonnegotiable bottom line & plan to forfeit lesser issues.
*Attorneys cost major money-dont resort to court out of frustration (youll regret it).
*Accept that you have unfortunately created upheaval for the kids no matter what & to now seriously participate in family counseling. Just do it.
*You now live completely by your calendar mapping out your life for years.
*Always wait to respond to anything until u take time to think. Call back later.
*Irresponsible parents should not be in charge of schooling etc. Conceded weekends = good educations.
* Lastly- never ever ever miss a prior committed appt for or regarding kids. School functions, counseling etc. Never ever!
Good luck!
I'm thinking it is possible he may feel it's unfair for you to be kid-free all weekend. So just be prepared for that.
I married a man with three kids from his former marriage. They are grown now but his schedule when we began dating was that he took them for dinner two nights a week and had them every other weekend. I don't remember what that worked out percentage-wise. They were not the kind of kids who had a lot of extracurriculars and apparently this didn't interfere with their getting homework done. It seemed to work out OK for everyone.
You don't say how old your kids are but one positive from this situation is that kids who have two separate household seem to take on more responsibility at an earlier age for managing their schedules.
Good luck!
As a kid, my parents lived an hour apart from each other. So we did weeks with one, weekends with another. When five days felt like too long, the weekend parent would make a special visit on Wednesdays. It helped me a lot to have the consistency, a simple schedule I could understand and count on. Best of luck to your family.
Lots & lots of families in similar situations. Kids seem to do fine with switching back & forth (better than living with unhappy parents, or worse?). I agree that you as the "task master" while he's all-fun-all-the-time may not be the best, for anyone but him that is. Should be able to work out a 35/65 schedule that doesn't mean the weekday/weekend schedule. Your lawyer has probably seen or helped figure out such schedules, I would think. Best of luck.
FYI - I was surprised that my equally-uninvolved husband wanted 50-50 custody. (Because he wanted to pay less child support & he wanted to hurt me.) It really sucked.
What we did was -- sun, mon, tues nights with mommy; weds, thurs, fri nights with daddy; Saturday nights alternating. After a few months he realized how much $ he was spending on babysitters/aftercare on his days since he worked till 6pm, plus he couldn't manage sick days etc. (I refused to pay it). So he agreed that on his days, I could take care of the kids afterschool till he got off work. That way, I saw them every weekday, which I loved ( but I had to see him almost every day too, which sucked.)
If he doesn't care about 50-50, an option is - kids are with you Monday thru Friday, plus every other weekend. Maybe he also takes them for dinner on Wednesdays.
First off, I want to agree with just about everything oltreymare said. I've been through two myself and one thing I can tell you for sure is that being the week-time parent forges a better bond with the children than being the "Mc-Parent," although it often does not seem that way at the time. Another thing that is VERY important, especially for your younger child, is to have frequent contact with both parents. For a three-year-old that ideally would be not more than 2-3 days between visits, however brief.
What worked best for my kids was a schedule something like this: During the school year, nights before each school day were with the primary custodial parent. Nights before each weekend day for three weekends per month, including long weekend week days. The occasional mid-week school holidays were disregarded, but weekdays that extended a school weekend were treated as weekend days. Five weekend months gave an extra weekend to the primary parent. We also had a dinner night mid-week, often as an entire family once things settled down.
For the summer, the inverse of that schedule applied, but with the primary parent allowed to take two weeks for a vacation if they chose. It sounds like that might be hard for your spouse, but if they could work it out, I highly recommend that you set that up.
And then lastly, school breaks and holidays were alternated in even/odd years. One family got Thanksgiving one year and Christmas the other, etc.
Hope that helps.
As an adult child of parents who had joint custody, your post resonated. I'm not sure what to recommend specifically regarding the arrangement/schedule other than that I hope you give the kids some say and build in some flexibility to change it over time if need be. It means a lot to a child whether his/her needs are considered regarding something as basic as a post-split schedule. Sometimes kids miss one parent or the other. Sometimes they feel protective of a parent. It may not sound like a big deal, but it can be.