Cannabis- addicted: 20 year old boy/man
Seeking your suggestions for a cannabis-addicted young man, Sam. Because of grass, which he started using back when he was 14 at least-- and before that it was video games all hours, every day--Sam needs to be dazed & confused. He's 20 years old, screwing up his 2nd semester at SFSC (yup, he did the same last semester-- getting "D" in ever class since he doesn't bother to show up). He's part of a fraternity, stupid move on part of his parents, & he's wrecked 5 cars -- but to parents' credit they have stood behind their word of not buying him the 6th one. There's a program called "sober College" I found online, do you know anything about it? https://sobercollege.com/
Do you have input as to what I can say to him? His parents invited me to talk with him, but he's a hard one to 'catch' -- even though he says that I'm his favorite relative? Are we to wait 'til he hits 'bottom' at which point he may be able to listen--- if he isn't dead, for he is also a risk taker? This kid is gifted or rather was, now it's hard to know
Both parents like their wine in the evenings, are part of a wine club, etc. On top of this the mother is a shop=a=holic ( she has so many clothes, still with price tags, that she'll never wear, but she keeps buying & hanging in the garage and now there are clothes racks in various rooms of their large home) & the father is a work & TV alcoholic. Addictions have ruled that home. (His younger brother plays so many video games, all the time, that he now needs serious chiropractic care for his neck (from hunching over the computer keyboard)
So it's a mess and as a close relative, of course I am broken hearted, and now angry at both parents as I feel they could've done more, long time ago (I and others expressed our concerns years ago). They think Sam 'will find his way'. A couple of nights ago I sent them the info on 'sober college' their response? "He's an adult." What BS. My 50 year old brother didn't get into AA until all of us gathered for an intervention. But, this is the situation. Your input (but NOT your lectures) appreciated.
Parent Replies
Hi There,
What a lucky kid Sam is to have you in his life and looking out for him. As someone who smoked way too much pot when I was 20-ish and partook in risky and unsafe and unwise behaviors, your post resonated with me. I wish I had a family member looking out for me the way Sam does in you. My behavior was directly related to family dynamics with my parents and undiagnosed ADHD. Here are my thoughts:
I wonder if there's some sort of underlying mental health diagnosis that could help understand why Sam is smoking so much. For me, pot really helped manage my undiagnosed ADHD. (I was diagnosed at 35) I wish I had known about the ADHD earlier on. Having been properly medicated, and understanding what behavior modification choices I had, would have been a huge help
What would have helped for me, was an adult in my life who just wanted to BE with me. Not fix me. Or lecture me. But just hang out with me and model what a responsible adult it. Maybe that's a weekly lunch or hike. Or maybe that's an ongoing text message exchange or facetime meetup. (I'm not sure if you're local.) Some way to connect regularly, as part of routine, that's all about connecting vs fixing.
Most of the kids I knew who were engaging in destructive behaviors in our early 20's have turned out just fine. Really. We're all in our mid 40's now and doing well. I think for some kids, pushing to the edges with destructive behavior is part of a painful growing up process.
Hope that helps.
It's really painful to watch people we love make decisions that, from our view, make no sense or are harmful to themselves. You've done what you can do. The parents invited (asked? requested? suggested?) you talk with Sam. You agreed and tried but it doesn't appear Sam really wants to talk to you. There's nothing for you to "do" for Sam or his parents. You could tell him what it sounds like you're telling us: that you love him, that its hard to watch him make the choices he's making and that when he's ready to get sober you'll be there to encourage him.
But what about your grief and heartbreak at this situation? Have you attended an Alanon meeting? Regardless of your comfort with 12-step programs, it might be helpful to hear the stories of other people who are walking the path of loving people with addictions knowing that they can't fix the person or offer that one elusive thing that will turn the person around. Meditation might be a helpful tool to find a way to sit with your feelings of anger, disappointment, sadness and grief.
Wishing you peace and companionship KZ, Rachel
I feel so badly for all the parents out there coping with teens and young adults who are addicted to cannabis. My young adult has a different set of challenges, but in the Family Sanity Parent Support Groups, we hear about these situations every meeting. That's why there will be an upcoming event called "Cannabis and the Teen/Young Adult Brain" with Jennifer Golick, LMFT, PhD of Marin on Tu, March 27 at 7pm. The event is at a private home in Oakland, so seating is limited. Tickets are available via EventBrite at: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/cannabis-and-the-teenyoung-adult-brain-tickets-43222660140.
For more info, contact: familysanitygroup [at] gmail.com.