Advice on Helping Teen Girl Make Stronger Peer Connections
Hello parents – we are hoping for some advice on ways to help our middle school aged teen daughter, who is struggling to make and maintain connections with friends. While she doesn’t have enemies, she has always had a hard time connecting with other girls her age – making friends and generating meaningful and close relationships. As she looks forward to high school, this is weighing very hard on her and, as parents, we are struggling to know how we can best guide her.
She is an extroverted kid with lots of interests, but has always had an easier time talking with adults than kids her age. She is a natural leader and an athlete, and while this will serve her well as an adult, she has struggled to find other kids who share her interests. As an example, she would rather spend her time thinking about doing charity work, small businesses she can start, or talking about current events. On the other hand, she is not able to connect with her peers who are typically talking about “normal” teen girl interests such as boys, dating, social media, make-up, etc. In addition, given her personality she struggles to take a back-seat when socializing with other girls and I think this contributes to her challenges in making and maintaining friends.
We are hoping that in high school she will get involved in student government, debate, maybe even an entrepreneur club, etc. where she can find her people and make connections that are meaningful to her.
But, in the meantime, we hate to see her so sad and down on herself. Can anyone offer suggestions on ways that we can help to guide her – either helping her to identify ways to improve her ability to interact with peers and/or meet other “big picture” leader/intellect types that can help to fulfill her?
Parent Replies
Study group! Ask other students to get together to do homework together. At someone’s house, the library, whatever works.
Hello!
Our son, in middle and elementary school, also connected more easily with adults than his peers. Turns out he was diagnosed with social challenges (which were discovered while going through testing for academic concerns). He attended several months of group sessions with Susan Diamond in Alameda (her sessions were on zoom as it was earlier in the pandemic) and it helped him SO much. He has a wider network of good friends now and while not an extrovert, he’s a lot more comfortable and confident around his peers. No drama in high school thus far, and we’re nearly halfway through.
Check out Susan. She might be a great fit.
Hi there - My daughter (8th grade) is in the same boat with the addition of being on the spectrum (low support needs) and has been seeing Shelly Hansen at Think Social East Bay for some time and that has been helpful. Your daughter may not need that type of support (i.e. practice on the give and take of conversations, seeing other people's perspectives, etc) but if she does then Shelly would be a good person to talk to. My daughter found debate this year and that has been great for her. Hang in there. I know how hard this is. If you'd like to talk further, feel free to reach out.
Wow this post gave me an explosion of feelings.
First of all, huge congrats on your daughter’s self-confidence! Middle school is a horrible time for girls, many of whom feel forced to alter/sexualize their appearance and then shame other girls into doing the same. Your daughter is strong!
I was an only child and got along better with adults all the way through school. In middle school I found one friend by looking for girls who weren’t wearing the trendy clothes and makeup. (We spent most of our time judging them.) In high school I became a “band geek” and found three close friends whom I still love and correspond with.
Let her know that this all gets better every year. High school will be much easier than middle school. My daughters, who are now in their twenties, both hated middle school but “found their tribe” in high school (cross country for one, theater for the other, choir for both. On the first day it will seem like all the girls are makeup/miniskirts/tiktok, but she will definitely find someone who’s not!!
For someone struggling to take the back seat, student government may not be ideal place to make friends. So many ambitious families push their kids into that, and appearance and unhealthy competition may be harder to escape. She should still go for it because she believes in it, but she may find her closest friends in activities like arts and athletics where the “best” aren’t the most charismatic or the best looking.
My daughter had a different constellation of factors, but likewise had a rough time with girl/girl friendships in MS and HS. I think it is just a really hard time for girls, of all sorts. For my daughter, leaning hard into a community she found outside of school - she's a dancer - was game-changing. There she found a whole group of kids carrying the critical similar-to-her-nature combination of serious commitment to work, learning and excellence + fun-loving openness to creativity and adventure. There was a downside to this, in that it made participating in extracurricular school-centric activities nearly impossible due to demands on her time - and that made it even harder for her friendships at school - but in her case the balance worked out completely positively. You mention your daughter's athleticism and I wonder if she might find more of "her people" there, once you find a healthy group with vision/mission/values aligned with your family - or if not athletics, some other group with a focus of interest aligned with her own.