16 yo daughter doesn't want to talk about risky behavior
My 16 yo only daughter (I’m a single mom) is defensive when I try to talk to her about safety. For example, I found a pregnancy test in her car and I said “I’m curious about this. What can you tell me?” It was a friend of hers. I tried to talk with her about her becoming sexually active and she refused to talk and said “I get my information from health class. I do not want to talk to you about this!” Same thing happens when I bring up other risky behavior like drinking, speeding, DUI, drugs, etc. I bought her a book on sex and she refused it and rolled her eyes. I am talking with her therapist about this so that the therapist can bring up safety to her when they are in session. I suspect she drank with a friend this weekend and I want to talk with her about it (without it ending in her being defensive, hostile, and going to her room) and looking for help from other parents who may have /had this issue.
Parent Replies
I think this is pretty darn normal. On top of everything else my daughter has refused to ever go to therapy, so if your daughter has a positive therapeutic relationship that's awesome. I'm really not sure you can avoid having your kid end up defensive, hostile, and going to her room - at least in my experience, that's what ends up happening a lot. That's pretty much textbook teenager, isn't it? I suppose my only piece of advice (which I could take for myself!) is to keep your lectures relatively brief. Somewhere in there she knows it's a good thing you're looking out for her, but she may be unlikely to express it for a few years. I try to remind myself that it is perfectly fine for me to bring up whatever safety topic I need to, and not to get too upset by her reaction.
I understand how unsettling and scary this feels to you. I think it's great she answered your question about the pregnancy test. (And nice curious questioning!) So she did answer that question. Maybe it's a way to say "thank you for telling me. I know there's a lot you don't want to tell me and I appreciate what you did.) Are there other adults in her life that you feel good about knowing that she's connected to them? It can help supporting our kids' relationships with other adults (whom we trust have their best interests at heart.) There can be a sadness in that because we want our kids to talk to us. But I didn't want to talk to my mother about any of this stuff. Lastly, what are your daughter's strengths? Sounds like she's a good friend. What of her strengths can you recognize and appreciate out loud to her. Maybe try something new & increase the odds that she might move toward you, rather than away. Just some teen parent thoughts 'cause it's always easier to suggest things to other people. ;) Best to you.
Yes, can completely relate to the teen who does not want to talk about these important issue. My daughter is 15 and has always refused to talk about anything from periods when she was young to sex or dating now (and I’m a clinician which probably makes it worse). While we’re not dealing with risky behaviors (yet) I worry often that we’re not having the important conversations. I’m really glad to hear your daughter has a therapist. She needs to have a space away from mom, however hard that is for us. Also, I have a solid group of best friends that are like an aunties to my daughter, so I’ve told her many times over the years she can talk to any trusting adult/family friend if she’s not comfortable with me. I’m also learning to carefully chose moments to broach topics, and often do it while in the car listening to music or on a walk, which can be more successful. They are listening for sure and it truly takes a village, these years are beyond difficult, hang in there.
I think you will have better luck if you talk to her without expecting her to answer questions or respond in any way. I thing the.best way to handle this is to talk about the pros and cons of sexual activity, drugs, etc. If you give a balanced view, she is more likely to listen. You can't control a teenager. So just provide the information and hope for the best. Good luck!