14 year old son and sex. Help!

Hi,  I simply would like to bring awareness to you that your writing implicates the female and her family in this story as the people responsible for these actions.  I would suggest that you focus on your son and his taking responsibility, not on judging the girl.  

The beginning of your post raises a question for me when you say you were away for several weeks — in my experience teaching high school, students whose parents were out of town often ran into difficulties — they need you more than ever in the early teens. With my parent hat on, forbidding is pretty impossible at fourteen, though you can certainly continue to advise against early sex. Spending time together on activities your son enjoys might be your best bet, and hopefully he will open up to you. (Also, I think parental supervision is probably the key variable, not where you live. )

At 14, they are going to find a way to have sex whether or not their parents approve, I’m afraid.  (As has been demonstrated; they are having oral sex already & possibly or probably other kinds of sex, just not sexual intercourse, which is what I presume you mean when you say “not having sex”).  I would concentrate on ensuring he knows how to prevent pregnancy and STD’s, as hopefully her parents are doing as well.  Sure, let him know (but gently) that you’d prefer he waited, but again, I don’t think there’s anything parents can do to prevent teens from engaging in sexual activity. As I’m sure you’ve heard, kids are sexually active at much younger ages than when we were coming up, and 14 isn’t really all that young. As you probably know from other aspects of teen behavior, the harder you lean on him, the further back he will pull, and in my view keeping the communication lines open is a key goal.  Good luck; you (and they) are definitely not alone. 

If your kid is determined to have sex, you are not going to find a way to stop him.  What I would do is have a frank, honest discussion with him.  This discussion needs to have both parents present and one the same page.  You need to provide him condoms.  You also need to tell him that this has nothing to do with him being in love, or your not approving of his having sex, but that you have a bigger concern which is him catching a disease that he may not recover from.  He will roll his eyes and attempt to leave, but you need to have him stay in the room and tell him frankly that if he is going to do an adult act, he needs to know the facts.  I had this same conversation with my nephew when he was 11, he was curious about sex and knowing that boys want sex faster than girls.  I gave him condoms, showed him how to put one on with a banana and explained to him in detail that while I was not giving him permission to have sex, I was more concerned about him having getting a disease like HIV, or other STD's.  He also needs to wear the condom while getting his blow job since she can give him an STD via blow job.  You don't need to tell him who told you, but you do need to let him, know that information is being given to you.    Being honest is going to make him angry, but you can't continue to lie to him and you also need to tell him that you are not here to judge, you just want him to know that while you don't approve, you will do everything to ensure his health.  You need to change the control of the relationship and tell him you are here to support him and that you love him.  

I can understand your panic, but let me give you my perspective - from a Mama who feels the complete opposite way. My daughter is 13 and she IS ready for sex - as was I at that age. In fact, she's been building up to it for over 2 years now. (As was I at that age.)  Physically ready, that is. Emotionally? I'm not sure at what age a person can really be READY for the emotional roller-coaster of love. Navigating a sexual relationship (with good communication) that will at some point contain: obsession, passion, hurt feelings, jealousy, boredom, rejection, etc. All The Things. It's a lot. I'm not sure that I am even ready for all of that - even now! (And I'm 50 yrs old and have been married for 20+ years. haha)

Now, let me say that I feel quite fortunate that my girl has decided she's 100% queer and is only interested in girls right now, so... That makes it a lot easier for me and my wife to relax a bit about some of the unintended consequences that could happen here - pregnancy, STDs, etc. But my wife is quite sexually conservative (raised with a strict, uptight mom) and I'm more of a free-loving hippy type (sort of). So while my wife is not thrilled with our daughter's "readiness," she is grudgingly loosening up about it. And I don't mind it at all. I'm thrilled for her, actually. Sex is so wonderful! Personally, I'm much more concerned about her romanticizing weed-smoking, beer-drinking, and vaping, which are things some of her peers at school are engaging in. That worries me because of brain development, addiction issues, etc. Plus, I understand wanting to be a "rebel" in life, but I worry about her being so counter-culture. I was raised by a bunch of hippies were refused to comply with society's norms and I would prefer that our daughters didn't grow up with those extremes. However, about sex, I feel much more open.   

I think what the main issue here is that: (a) few parents want to see their kids as sexual - certainly not while they're still "kids" (it freaks parents out - and nature kind of makes us instinctively be repelled by that, for good reason) and (b) most people who were "late bloomers" (not ready for sex until college, for example) really can't wrap their brain around the idea of someone genuinely being sexual at such a young age. But I was my MOST SEXUAL between the ages of 13 - 23 I would say. So I get it.

Putting aside the frustration and anger at the other parent (very uncool for her to promise supervision and then not provide it!), what if you approached your son and gave him to permission to have sex? What if you said to him that you've been shocked that he's ready so young, and saddened by how uncommunicative he's been with you, but that you'd like to have a policy of 100% tranparency and free-flowing communication moving forward? That would be so much better than being kept in the dark and him feeling judged and that he can't come to you. Here's the hard truth, mama: I think that if your son really wasn't ready for sex he wouldn't be "in love" and he wouldn't be in a sexual situation with this girl at school. He would've found an excuse to get out of it. But he's IN and he wants to do this, so make sure he can talk to you about it. 

It is so hard to watch our kids make choices we don't agree with, particularly when their heath and hearts are at stake. I'm sorry you are going through this.

My son (now 21) was sexually active at 15. I was the parent who talked about such things with him (not his father). I had been talking with him about human bodies and sexuality throughout his childhood and adolescent years, layering on age appropriate information as we went along. He is very oppositional by nature, so when I had concerns about him becoming sexually active, I took the approach of letting him know the girl was always welcome at our home (this was hard and it was a long time before he invited her over). I validated his interest in the relationship and the developmental appropriateness of the interest. I said a few nice things to him about the girl and let him know that I was happy for him to be with someone who he cared about and who cared for him before saying I had some concerns about where the relationship might be going physically. We talked about how to treat a romantic interest. I told him that sex can be messy and embarrassing and sometimes damaging; and it can be pleasurable and loving and deeply connecting. I asked him what it might be like to see the person at school after having had sex, to be around others who knew, to have to see the person if (in my head when) one of them broke up. I asked him to think about what he might do the girl got pregnant; was he ready to be a father? All said as directly and with as few words and little emotion as possible (and not in one conversation, but in little snippets when I sensed an opening).

I addressed the emotion first, then talked about safe sex practices and asked if he needed condoms (no, available in the school's counseling office), letting him know that although I felt he was young for this type of relationship, it was his choice, and if he chose to move forward, to please take precautions to avoid pregnancy and protect his health. I him he could always come to me to share the good and the difficult (he didn't really do either).

My son ended up being in a relationship with the girl for a year and a half or so. For a long while it seemed to work for them both. Then life and serious complications lead to a painful breakup. As a parent, it was incredibly difficult to watch. Yet, I don't get the sense that he regrets his relationship with her, and I suspect he learned a lot from it.

At the end of the day, I could not have prevented my son from seeing the girl or being sexually active with her, even if I had tried, or at least without serious, perhaps irreparable, damage to our relationship. I do think he knew that I love him, had serious concerns about the situation, and would be there for him regardless what decision he made.

I kind of have been in your shoes. Tho my kid hasn't ever been a straight A student, and the girl in question was in a different school. You can't do much to stop them from doing whatever they are doing, but you can and sounds like you already do have rules for when they are at your home. As with anything, you as a parent have the right and should tell your child what you think about what he's doing or about to do. It's ok if he clams up. He doesn't even need to open up to you about anything. But, he needs to know you are there for him and needs to know where you stand. It's kind of the same as if you'd be dealing with any other issues, say, drug use.

I would just tell him that you respect his feelings and his intensions, and that you also see issues that may be hard for him to see because he is in love and has little experience with women. How would he feel if his girl would do the same she does for him to other guys?  It is quite likely she does, based on how eager she is to give blow jobs and have sex. If she's not cheating on him now, she will soon. Or will dump him for another guy soon enough. Which could be great, but it could also trigger other issues, especially that she's in the same school. How would he feel bumping into her and her new boyfriend or girlfriend?

I understand that you are afraid he'll get an STD, or the girl can get pregnant even if they are using contraceptives. For my son, the worst part was when the girl broke up with him because she decided she was polyamorous and wanted to have an open relationship (she was 15 and he was 16 at the time), starting with him and a transgender girl. He refused, so she dumped him. He became clinically depressed (suicidal) for a year and it changed his life, for the worst.

My son's ex was also keen on sex, gave him a blowjob the first time she visited at our house while she and her mom visited us. Yep, we were all at home, they went into his room for under 15 minutes and then my husband and I have accidentally walked in on them. As they say, it hurt my eyes! In retrospect, the only way we could stop that would be to not let the girl come to our house. But then, they were doing it in public places like parks. The only thing you can do is make it harder for them by not letting them be together at your home.

Does your son have a therapist or a counselor? I would find one now so that he could talk through this and other issues with someone who's not you and who can help him as a professional.

You heard this through the mom network, so it's a rumor without corroboration. Two possibilities are that things may not have gone as far as you have heard, or (more likely) the horse has already left the barn.  If you say to your son, "I know what you're doing...." it will backfire in part because you don't know, you are  guessing based on gossip.  You might do better if you limit yourself to solid facts: "This is what I've heard, and I'm worried."  It likely won't get your son to open up, but may avoid driving him further away.

Once kids are sexually active, it's likely impossible to get them to stop if they still have an opportunity.  This is one of our most powerful drives, and never more powerful than in adolescence.  And they can easily make opportunities by, say, cutting class, enlisting friends as cover, etc., none of which will improve the outcome.  To a rebellious teen, the parents are oppressors, and rebellion is noble and morally honorable.  Being in love adds a Romeo-and-Juliet touch that will make parental objections seem utterly odious.  Enlisting the school may just add the school to the roster of oppressors.

If you manage to end this affair, in a few months there will be another, then another, whether or not your son is old enough to handle the situation.  At some point you will be forced to let go.

Please consider the option of harm reduction.  Meet the girl and her parents. Try to like her. Provide the kids opportunities for totally supervised interactions, like family dinners.  Make sure they both know, in complete practical terms, how to protect themselves.  Make sure they have thought through what they would do if a pregnancy occurs.  These last two items are simply part of sex education.  Try to make your expectation be that they have to do well in school and otherwise protect their futures.  Try also to be home more -- it makes a difference.

My niece, who had skipped a grade in school, was a straight-A student and National Merit Scholar at age 16.  Her parents took a long overseas assignment and left her in the care of her half-brother, who fell in love with a girl from another town and was never around. My niece found a boyfriend who, so far as I could tell, didn't go to school.  Her parents had arranged that my dad (the niece's grandfather) get the school's attendance-office robocalls.  When I was in town on a visit, Dad told me that he was getting the calls all the time and didn't know what to do.  The vice-principal told me that my niece had largely stopped showing up and was about to be dropped from school.  So I paid a visit to my niece, who was at home, supposedly with a cold, on a school day.  I told her that whether or not she was sexually active, she still was responsible for school, that I was sexually active at her age and nevertheless kept my grades up.  I did not tell her she should stop having sex.  I understand that she went back to school and not long thereafter broke off with the boyfriend.  I told her parents about my conversation with the vice-principal, but the fact is they never really seemed to understand how close she had come to being a drop-out. Ultimately she got a PhD in computers and works at Google, so it worked out OK. 

Teenagers have sex, whether parents like it or not and whether parents know or not.  I have two teens and see sexually active teens through my work as a healthcare provider.  Providing your kid with knowledge about consent and safe sex is probably the most important thing to do.  Also, if they are both 14 there is nothing illegal about them having sex.

Both as a parent of a son, an aunt of teen boys, and a former teen, I want to gently suggest that you reframe a little of the way you think about this. At the end of the day, your son's sexuality is his own, and the idea that you can prevent him from engaging in sexual activity is... well, it's not likely to be successful, and it's probably not even what you ultimately want for your kid. Don't you want to support him in learning to make responsible decisions on his own, rather than making his decisions for him?

What you can do (and should do) is help make sure he is 100% aware and has given serious thought to possible repercussions of these activities. Those repercussions include the STD's you mentioned, but they also include unplanned pregnancy, potential legal issues, as well as possible risks to engaging in sexual behavior at school/in public, etc. There's actually a lot to consider (what happens if her feelings change and she decides to accuse him of some kind of coercion? Does she have any kind of electronic documentation of their sexual relationship - photos, texts, etc? All that can cause problems too. Uuuuugh. I have heard some horror stories over the years. It's a minefield.) Would your son's ears be more open if you led with, "I'm so glad you've found someone you really like! At the end of the day, these are all your decisions, and I won't be standing in your way. But here's what you need to know about it..." ?

Or is there someone in your son's life (a dad, older cousin, family friend) who can more credibly say, "I've been there" and talk through some of this stuff with your son in a down-to-earth way?

Good luck - you got this.

That age is a really tricky time. Kids' bodies and sexuality are developing, but we know their brains need time to catch up. Your specific questions is, "How do we stop them?". As I see it, aside from locking your son up and destroying your relationship with him, it's going to be near impossible. It's not easy, but you need to try to view the situation from another perspective, not just the one where sex is terrible and could ruin his life. First of all, your son is already sexually active (blow jobs are sex!), so you need to accept that he is starting the part of his life that you will not be able to control. 

One suggestion I have is for you to reach out to the girl's parents and develop a relationship with them where you are partners in caring for your children. It's important that they don't feel like you think your son is being ruined by their daughter. Yes, you may have different values, but that doesn't mean they are clueless or that their daughter is a bad influence(I'm trying really hard not to use the s-word which is forbidden in my home.) To me, her inquiry about birth control shows a measure of responsibility. I know it's very persuasive to hear things from your "mom network" and believe all that you hear. My experience is that parents are not always the best relayers of what's really going on among teens--their own anxieties often color what they think they know.

Also, you mentioned discussing risks with your son in a general way. I have not found this to be effective with my teens. If he is choosing to be sexually active, you will truly help him be safe by moving on from that fact and start discussing risks in a specific way. Does he understand that protection (condoms) need to be used EVERY time he has sex, including the first time? Does he have access to condoms? Does he fully understand the concept of consent--and the fact that he needs affirmative consent, not just a lack of resistance? Has he thought about what it will feel like if (surely "when", but don't say that) things change and they move on from their relationship? I know this is absolutely NOT what you want to hear, but you need to put his safety before your fears and demonstrate your care for him as a person, not just his grades or reputation. (Trust me, it's HARD!) But instead of hiding from you, he will see that you are concerned about his well-being

Good luck--it sure is hard to be the parent of teens!

Oh my!  Sending great empathy your way. I know this from the side of concerned mom of 14 yo daughter who apparently lives in a world where blow jobs by girls, for boys, even at school, are part of “ordinary” life. I was horrified when, several years ago, I heard this from someone who read Peggy Orenstein’s book about “Girls and Sex.”  Scared the s—t out if me and, based on the frequency of my daughter being approached for sexual favors by peers, usually by text or on social media, including blow jobs and nudes, I have good reason to worry, though she is getting great at saying “no” and discerning friends from not friends (she’d use the “D” word). 
Thanks to poster who mentioned: oral sex IS sex!  (I find it interesting how many young people AND adults have categories that they partition as “not really sex.”  Guess it’s ultimately from religious influences).  And thanks to poster who mentioned CONSENT!  Sure, both girls and boys are sexual beings, and, as one of the dads shared, sex is wonderful, but with all of the sexualization in music, media, predation on social media, and major access to PORN, I’m not sure any teens are giving full consent. 
I don’t think we should give up on talking to our teens, even if they seem closed. We can express our concerns, but listening for what motivates our kids sexually/relationally, AND mixed feelings, including their own anxieties, seems to put us in a position of being supporters of our kid’s development.  
   I recommend Sex Educator,  Shafia Zaloom’s book:  “Sex, Teens & Everything in Between.”  
And “Hang on to Your Kids:  Why Parents Matter” by Gordon Neufeld w/ Gabor Maté.

I think we parents are figuring this out as we go and we need each other!

Wow! I haven’t had this experience but I feel compelled to offer ideas. First- it doesn’t matter if your son says shut up (but I’d hate that) you just keep saying stuff- it’s your job & it does get through. 
maybe it’s time to add something about risk to girls who have sex at such a young age- how often this is a response to low self esteem & eventually this makes it worse. And how about having sex with an unstable girl risks accusations that might incriminate him? Meanwhile tons of empathy about how exciting but maybe a bit overwhelming it can be to be sexual & feel desired. All the while not giving away that you know. I have found car drives the best for imparting this info they claim not to be listening too!

this poor girl! She’s desperate for attention. Maybe a mom (you?) should reach out to her mom and let her know her daughter is likely giving BJ’s to boys and you’re worried about her? 
 

good luck. 

I would encourage you to think about whether you can hope for something beyond forbidding or preventing this.  A number of years ago I read an academic study comparing Dutch and American attitudes towards teen sexuality (there's also a pop book, but not from an academic) and found it eye opening: the Dutch parents saw their responsibility as helping their children develop positive sexual relationships.  That means stuff like focusing on sex as part of a loving relationship (sidebar here on how I'm totally fine with adults choosing one night stands but they are often poorly suited to positive exploration among people new to sexuality), taking responsibility for preventing disease and pregnancy, introducing partners to the family, etc.  Parents facilitate this by talking about sex as a normal part of life, helping their kids get the protection they need, allowing sleepovers once the partner has met the family (like -- your girlfriend is welcome to come over and spend the night, but she'll have to act like other guests and have dinner with us; not like, we need to approve your partner before a sleepover), and otherwise treating teen sexuality as a normal and acceptable part of life with some guidelines. This actually makes a lot of sense!  If you forbid it, your kid will not stop having sex, but he will shut you out and not allow you to help guide him in developing positive, appropriate relationships to sexuality. Not incidentally, the Dutch have much lower rates of STIs and teen pregnancy.

My suggestion to you: tell him you've heard that he is seeing someone.  You understand it's awkward when your mom knows, but hey, we live in a community, people share important information like this.  You'd like to meet her!  Would he like to invite her over for family dinner?  No pressure, but she's welcome.  He is going to have to listen to you talk about protection and appropriate boundaries, though he does not have to say anything in response.  You will be keeping condoms and lube in a box in the hall closet (or wherever); they will always be replenished and you will never ask him where they went.  Here is how to use condoms, prevent breakage, dispose of them politely at home.  He doesn't need this information?  Fantastic! Who cares! He will still get it, everyone should know these things.   Ideally you'd say that if his girlfriend (or any other friends of his) need help accessing birth control, they are welcome to come to you for non-judgmental assistance, but you have to get your mind right about actually being able to do so.  

The person who posted 11/29 with the kid who had a relationship at 15 has great advice about discussing how to treat romantic interests, how to be thoughtful about sex and romance, the emotional dimensions, etc.  I love everything about that response.  To encourage openness you have to be open to your child making their own decisions.  

I have raised 3 teenage boys in Berkeley and I just want to validate your concerns. In my experience it is unusual for kids to be sexually active at 14, at least in the world my kids were in at Berkeley High, and I would be worried too. None of my boys and few of their friends had any kind of relationship, sexual or otherwise, until they were 18 or so. My youngest son as a senior was pursued by a classmate who was texting him dirty pictures of herself. I know this because he shared it with me in a sort a "Mom what does this mean" way. He was flattered to be singled out by her, and curious about sex, which did happen after a short time in spite of my suggestion that he spend some time getting to know her better and assurances that he didn't have to do anything he wasn't comfortable with. My husband and I didn't exactly facilitate the sex, but we did provide a stash of condoms and we did allow them to be together in his room with the door closed.

Meanwhile the girl's mom and I were communicating and she was telling me how cute the two of them are together, and how they have this very chaste relationship where they only hold hands, daughter wants my son to come for a sleepover, assures mom nothing will happen, even if they sleep in the same room, isn't that sweet, blah blah blah. I considered telling her the facts but I didn't. Partly because they were both 18, but also because it seemed really important for her to think of her daughter as a princess.  According to my son the girl claimed to have had sexual relationships with a lot of the other guys in their grade. The mom was telling me about how her popular daughter had had lots of boyfriends, but now she really thinks my son is special, they really hit it off, he's the one.

I can't pretend to know what was going on with this girl - she was really hard to talk to and didn't make eye contact when she joined us for family dinner or showed up at the front door. But she struck me as someone who intensely wanted to be liked by boys, and was doing everything she could to be seen as desirable. It was actually pretty sad. She and my son had a fling for a couple of months and then they both moved on. To be honest a big part of the reason they broke up was because it was inconvenient for them to get together. It required a BART ride plus a bus ride, which neither of them was willing to do more than once or twice. We very deliberately were not offering to drive them. So it all kind of fell apart, thank god.

Anyway, I don't really have relevant advice since my kid was 18 but I wanted to share my experience, and also say that I understand your concern: your son is so very young. There is such a big difference between 14 and 18. But what's done is done. It could be that your son will figure out for himself that it's not such a great idea, given time and no pressure from the adults. I'd recommend being there as a "consultant." Definitely make sure he has condoms and STD information. Be kind to the girl, welcome her and don't criticize her, but also don't go out of your way to facilitate the relationship. Let him make his mistakes.  I think my son learned a lot from his experience, which has informed his later relationships in a good way.

I agree with person who suggested you tell your son that "you will be keeping condoms and lube in a box in the hall closet (or wherever); they will always be replenished and you will never ask him where they went."

This is what we did with our teens (now healthy young adults out of the house). I think it is impt that you keep them in a hall or bathroom closet (not the kid's room) and buy a huge box (easy to do online) and then check monthly to see if they need replenishing (but never comment to your son that you notice they are getting used up or anything like that). My son told me he didn't need condoms "because the girls always have them" which I found interesting and frustrating (it should be a shared responsibility!), but I just said, "well, they're in there, feel free to share with your friends." I think the last part is key because that way you let them know that you are not assuming he is using them.

I also want to add that I think this is a good website: https://www.scarleteen.com/ aimed at teens but can help parents too!

I'm amazed that everyone says you should accept it as inevitable that he'll have sex at 14yo. I'm a pediatrician in the inner city and among my patient population that's quite uncommon. I know that varies between schools and communities though. I agree with many posters that it's important to talk about condoms, birth control, etc. I also think it's important to talk about the fact that at 14, he's too young for the powerful and complicated emotions that come with a sexual relationship. It's important to talk about healthy relationships and consent, which at 14yo kids don't really have the maturity to handle. It's OK to tell kids that you disapprove of things that you disapprove of - at 14yo it's still part of good parenting to set limits. It's also part of good parenting to understand that they're likely to try to evade those limits. And the hardest part of all is threading the needle of setting appropriate limits and encouraging open communication and making sure they know they will be safe and loved whether or not they've always done the right thing. Good luck.