14 year old son and sex. Help!
I found out our 14 year old son has been getting blowjobs from a classmate, is reciprocating in some kind, (so it's mutual 'action') says he's in love and she says the same. The girl is quite keen to move to sex but they apparently haven't decided. I know this through the mom network as there are other kids in the family who the girl has presumably said something to and who told other kids who told their moms. The moms told me this girl is not supervised by her parents and is also asking her mom for birth control.
My son has told me nothing. I have been away for work for a few weeks and have also not met the parents or the girl. New school. My mom friends know that I would not ever be ok with sex at 14. He is not emotionally mature and I can see him not having the self control to avoid situations where his self control might be tested. He's a straight A student but a little insecure. We keep tabs on our kids, limited phone/ internet time/ live out of the city and they can't leave the house to meet up, but he does not share anything with me. I've tried to bring things up in a general way, talking about risks etc months ago before this happened and empathizing with the urge many of his age feel to have a girlfriend but also talking about maturity/ not getting hurt/ risks, studying. I get the 'just shut up' as a response. I cannot say 'I know what you've been doing' because he will instantly clam up, tell her to do so too and so the little she has said to someone and maybe to her mom (who left them alone at home after assuring my husband she would be staying home while he was visiting. (I'm so angry!) Apparently she is plotting 'quickies' at school. I want to tell him he's far too young to be doing this both blowjobs and definitely sex, but how do I convey this to a rebellious teen who has never opened up to me. My husband has given him several talks about sex and stds, kissing in a time of covid etc. He also doesn't respond but seems to be following the girl's lead that parents are idiots you keep secrets from and you do what you want.
But neither of us had any idea he had gone this far. It would also be illegal for them to have sex. Probably not illegal to do blowjobs but we do not want him to do this. She's a classmate.. they'll see each other for the rest of high school. Anyone dealt with this? How do we stop them getting so intimate, beyond anticipating situations where this might happen and saying no. Apparently they have also been sneaking off school grounds, so am not sure whether I should say anything to the school (as in keep an eye on them)
Parents who have dealt with this- help!