Parenting with a spouse who travels frequently
Hello! I have been brainstorming ways to build in more support for myself and my 14 month old with a husband who travels frequently for work and family obligations, and is now considering a new role at work that would require even *more* travel. He is currently out of the country for ~10 days at a time a few times per year, and then does additional shorter domestic trips for 4-5 days a few times per year. When he returns from international travel in particular, he is so jet lagged that he's not really present for another few days. I also work in a challenging career though not full time, and our kiddo is in a nanny share 4 days a week. During these solo parenting stints, it's tiring but I can mostly deal when everything goes according to plan, but when things go sideways (illness, sleep regressions, work crisis, etc), it's pretty rough and there's no one I can reliably turn to for help. My mom is local but can't help much due to health limitations, and while I have many wonderful friends nearby they are also slogging through each day with young kids, work, etc. Our nanny is mostly not available for extra hours. I've tried Urban Sitter but the experience has been variable in terms of last-minute availability and quality, plus my kid has intense stranger danger lately. Our plan has always been to have a second child, ideally pretty soon, but that feels impossible to me without somehow having more support during these solo periods.
My current idea is to find someone who we would pay to be on-call evenings/nights/weekends while my husband is away, and then if I end up needing "emergency" help paying them more to actually provide child care. This would allow us to have someone we've already vetted and who I already know will be available, and whom my child can get to know over time. Has anyone done something like this? How did you structure the role in terms of pay, responsibilities, etc?
I am very open to other ideas as well, this is just the best one I can come up with...
P.S. to all you full-time solo parents out there, you are my heroes.
Parent Replies
My partner just returned from three weeks abroad, followed by a weeklong domestic trip a couple of weeks later. We're expecting that my partner will have to take a few more international trips of that length in the coming year. I don't have any answers -- I don't think any parent ever figures this out -- but there will little things that helped make it a little easier.
Getting help is the #1. We don't have family nearby and like you. I think your plan for on-call support makes a lot of sense if you can figure it out.
I wish I had also asked others for help. As my friend said, this wasn't the time to be prideful... but I was totally prideful and didn't ask anyone. I had assumed that my friends were busy with their own kids and such, but so many of them also offered to do joint playdates or take my kiddo for an hour. I reflect back and think that I should have at least tried it, even if it wouldn't have gone perfectly. One of my neighbors offered to help walk the dog, which seems like a small thing but would have been 15 minutes back in my day. Should have taken that up too.
I made a spreadsheet of quick easy meals that i know my kid would eat and just rotated through it, so I wouldn't have to think about it everyday. Was a lifesaver the second time my partner went away -- could just refer back to what I had before. Gave myself forgiveness for ordering takeout.
I didn't get far with this, but next time will look into what else can be outsourced. e.g., could I use Family Laundry (pickup/drop off laundry service) instead of doing it myself? Could I get groceries delivered? etc.
Also, to the extent your work is a safe space for this, I found it helpful to let the folks I work with know my situation. I am self-employed, and there are some clients who I knew were parents themselves who would understand my hectic mess. I let them know I might be busier for a few days. I'm lucky that we have that kind of relationship, but I know in every job there will always be folks who get how hard it is to make it all work.
Lastly, take care of yourself. I found that I was dropping the ball on showering, eating healthy food, and talking to anyone who wasn't at childcare or at work. You gotta look out for yourself as well as the little and your partner and everyone else.
And totally agree -- full-time solo parents, you rock. I walked away from this recent experience with a commitment to do more to support all the full-time solo parents i know in my life.
This doesn’t answer your question directly - and I find the idea of an “on-call” sitter interesting, if others have found a way to make it work. But my approach when my husband is traveling is to preemptively schedule a sitter for three hour chunks of time during the day, who is solely responsible for watching after my eldest (5 y/o) and usually while my youngest (1 y/o) is napping. Obviously your situation is not exactly the same but the takeaway for me has been that even though I CAN survive these solo parenting moments 9 times out of 10, I don’t need to. If you can afford it, I would encourage you to book more care than you “need” and don’t feel guilty about it. You will no doubt make great use of that time, whether it is for self care, errands, a mental break, meal prep, tidying, exercise, whatever. If it were me, i would rather pay someone for “unnecessary” childcare than paying them to be on call and possibly not using them at all. I know it’s harder with a younger child, and definitely sucks to pay for something that feels nonessential, but each time you do this your kid will get more and more comfortable. That won’t happen if they’re just on-call. Over the summer, we spent about two months trialing 5 different sitters before homing in on two that we (and our daughter) really like. We did that just by hiring them to come on random weekend days - not days we really needed them, but days where we would benefit but a little time to ourselves to get stuff done.
It takes time, and of course money - to build up a Rolodex of sitters you can trust, but I would consider it a business expense that should be considered as part of this new job opportunity your spouse is pursuing. And when your spouse IS traveling, consider erring on the side of more childcare than you need.
I'm guessing that with a partner who does regular international travel, you have the budget to pay your way to a solution. (If not, maybe a conversation about a job change is in order?). It may be hard to find someone on an 'on call' basis, as the people you would be hiring are not in the same financial situation as you and need to have steady work to count on for their income. What about finding someone you can bring on as a 'mother's helper' for a couple of afternoon/evenings a week. When I was in college, I worked for a family who used me in this capacity, sometimes babysitting when they went out, sometimes doing childcare pick up and playing while mom was also home, etc. - a college student (or even a responsible HS senior) with a flexible schedule might be a good bet.
This way, your child will slowly become familiar with them, they will have steady income to count on and when you have a need for more time/help they will already be there. This would also help you even with the times your partner is not away, by freeing up some home time/date nights for you to not feel so tired/stretched, and hopefully create space for you to envision bringing a 2nd child to the mix.
I never tried finding the sort of help you're contemplating, but I just wanted to chime in to say I completely empathize. I was in your shoes a few years ago (and actually posted a very similar question to BPN at the time!), with a spouse who traveled very frequently for work, leaving me home on my own with a high-energy kid, a dog, and a full-time job of my own. Then he would come home and complain about how "tired" he was from his business trip. What really bothered me was that once he was back home, we were back to splitting everything 50/50, rather than him upping his game for a bit to compensate for the time he had been gone. He also never did anything to help prepare before he left (like stocking the kitchen with groceries, or taking our kid out for a full day the weekend before he left so I could take care of some of my stuff, etcetera).
In retrospect, I wish I had spoken up sooner to share my feelings with him. It did finally come up in a rather explosive way when I finally couldn't take it anymore, and even then I'm not sure I fully communicated how resentful I was feeling, so I still carry some of it with me even today. Covid and a new job helped to end most of his traveling so things are much better now, but it was really hard. All of this is to say, if you haven't already done so, I encourage you to talk openly and ask your husband for the help you need. Also, if you can find a way to finagle a trip of your own so he gets a taste of what it's like, do it! I don't think they really understand until they're in your shoes. Finally, it does get much easier when kids are older and can keep themselves busy if they're home sick, for instance.
Hang in there, and good luck finding the support you need!
Hi there,
This sounds like a lot! I can't speak to the structural questions but I did want to mention that one of our go-to babysitters has extensive experience as a nanny and is looking for part-time childcare work. They're wonderful and their schedule is really flexible. Please DM me if you'd like to be connected!
Hello! My husband recently started a new job that requires 20% travel and it looks like it will be more like 30-40% now. I actually got great advice from this group when we were considering the offer and how I would manage with our two small kids (4 years and 8 months) while he was traveling as I also work a full-time demanding (though flexible) job. The kids are in full-time daycare/preschool.
Much of the advice was to build our village, and outsource as much as is feasible for now. We decided to use some of the pay raise to hire a family assistant for 12 hours a week - 4 hrs x 3 days a week (paying her guaranteed hours). We structured the role so that, when my husband isn’t traveling, she supports with meal prep, laundry, and kid-related tidying from 1-5 pm (to free us up more on the weekends for quality family time). Then when my husband is traveling, her hours are 3-7 pm ish so she can do some meal prep/kid chores then provide an extra pair of hands to me with childcare after I pick the kids up from childcare. We were up front in the job posting about the varying hours and I think are paying on the higher end for this role given that. But we were able to find someone wonderful who was seeking a part-time role and has prior experience as a nanny and household manager.
It’s not a financially sustainable solution for us for the long-term but we agreed that we’d fund it for a year during this more intensive phase of parenting to see how it works. So far, it’s been working super well. Feel free to pm me if you’d like to see the job description we used.
Good luck! Solidarity.
Sounds like you need an au pair. They are somewhat complicated (interview process, hoops to jump through) and can be hit or miss but you get a ton of flexibility with scheduling. You can have them care for kid #2 full time and then send older one to preschool at least part of the day. You can have them work more hours when your partner is travelling.
If I were you, I wouldn't have another child, unless your husband is willing to change his work/life style and help more. I don't know about your financial situation, but It sounds like you need an au pair and more as needed help.