Romance Scams
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Great guy I met online is much heavier than his photo, doesn't want to meet in person
Oct 2015
Help! I am 54 and need some non-judgemental advice about dating. I left my bullying husband and took my 19 month old daughter with me 16 years ago. I have not dated since, partly because of the trauma of the abuse in the marriage, and partly because of the time struggle in trying to raise and provide for my daughter alone.
Fast forward to where I recently joined a dating website because I realized my life was passing by quickly and I am lonely and worthy of love. I sometimes feel unattractive but my friends tell me I am pretty. I found someone that stood out from the others for his intelligence, kindness, and humor. I also liked how he looked, not perfect but attractive enough (I don't hold attractiveness as my #1 requirement but it is a thing). I received messages from many more men than I expected, some of them very handsome but not a match for me in other ways.
So...as of yet I have not met this man (he has put it off). It has been about a month and we email daily. I love his emails. He writes amazingly, and makes me laugh. He periodically states, when I send a picture, that I am ''too pretty for him''. I asked him to stop saying it because it makes me sad. I could see from the pictures that it was not true.
Right now he is out of the country for two weeks on a vacation and we continue to email. Today he sent me a picture and he is considerably more overweight than his profile pictures. I feel a little deceived but cannot deny that I really like him and still want to meet. Unfortunately, I cannot say that I am physically attracted to ''the new him''. It has put somewhat of a damper on my feelings. I know that weight is something that is somewhat superficial and can be changed, though not easily I realize. And I can't start a relationship on the basis that he change.
Am I just too much in a hurry to fall in love after such a long time to be mad at him? I don't think I would have pursued it had he posted an accurate picture but I am glad I did. Still I don't know if it will go anywhere. What do I do? Wh! at and how do I feel?
Signed: Feeling Disappointed
I recommend cutting off your correspondence with this gentleman: either do the slow fade, or tell him that your interest has taken you elsewhere.
Here's the thing: though weight is ''superficial'' and ''changeable'', it's unlikely to be either in the context of a potential romantic relationship (perhaps different if you'd known the guy for 20 years, and then he put on some weight). The guy wasn't straightforward with you at the beginning - by sending an out of date photo - and the things he's saying - you're too pretty - are red flags that he doesn't have his own house in order.
When I did online dating (early 2000s) as a 30-something, I quickly found that the guys who wanted to string the email communication on for weeks at a time were usually the ones who were hiding something - painful shyness, insecurity, instability in their own lives. One guy had only a few teeth in his mouth! Another was absolutely aimless in his life, and was looking for a partner to provide direction. A guy can spend all day crafting the perfect, funny, thoughtful email, but he might be a horrible conversationalist, or totally insecure, or way overweight. These are things you need to find out early, not after weeks of Cyrano de Bergerac type emails.
Though it can be painful, many people suggest keeping the emailing to a minimum and meeting for coffee as soon as you know that you have some small amount of interest. That way you can start getting to know a real person, rather than an email facade. Pen pals need not apply
I read a recent article in AARP magazine about dating over fifty. One red flag is if you have not met in over a month.Often there are scammers that will keep buttering you up and soon he will need to borrow money to come see you,because his credit cards got stolen or some stupid lie.I would be suspicious of this guy.That should help your decision.I hope you find someone worthy. Ellen
Lots of women and men of all ages look for love on the internet, due to time constraints; for example my twenty-five year old tenant found her current love on the internet.
Some internet Romeos are married or partnered; others like to write, and write, and write; others are unsuitable by age, girth, smoking habits, or grammar. However, internet dating is a numbers game, and involves meeting dozens of men in person to see if there is a mutual spark. The only way to proceed is meet, meet, meet;
Your new interest has lots of red flags- out of the country, too busy to meet, etc. It is like filling a vacancy of any sort; a tenancy, a job opening, a new sale. Cast your net wide, and then begin to interview - in person. See the Ellen Barkin film - Sea of Love for one method of scheduling meetings. Veteran of the Million Man March
Most important piece of on-line dating advice - one email, one reply and an easy, public get together - Starbucks on a weekend morning. Do not email for weeks unless you are interested in an email based relationship. Face to face, within a week. Otherwise something is up. I'd say there are many red flags flying for the guy who is on vacation -- let him go and move on. Or schedule coffee. And then decide. Good luck
It's totally ok to feel put off. He was not honest from the beginning and although he might have done it because he feels ashamed of his appearance, he broke your trust in him. You have not met him yet, so it is better to stop things now. You are not being superficial. You have the right to feel the way you are. anon
My advice is to keep on looking! Do NOT be in such a hurry! You waited this long, and took your time doing an extremely valuable thing; being a good mother to your daughter. Good for you! Now you deserve some fun and love. Please wait for other men who are READY and willing to date you, and to pursue you. This guy is not. He has taken the easy way out of fulfilling his self esteem and flirting needs by being a good, witty writer and making you smile. However, he was dishonest about his profile. Men often do this on dating sites. It is SO common! Normally they post a picture that is ten years old. You should also be clear in your profile that you would like to see current pictures of men, not old ones.
If he ever decides to seriously pursue a relationship, he will lose weight and get into shape, and then be honest about the way he looks. You haven't even met him yet and already there is a red flag. As far as being superficial; you are not. Obesity can lead to impotence, or some kind of sexual dysfunction. Also, what if you want to go hiking with him, or swimming or on a roller coaster? Good health is important when looking for a new mate. We women have to get into the best shape we can before we date; let the men put that energy out as well. You deserve better. Just be his friend.
I don't think this guy's weight is the problem here. The problem is that you have been emailing for a month and he hasn't tried to meet you. Your statements that he is putting it off and now is ''out of the country'' further confirm that something isn't right. When you connect with a man, whether online or in person, and he really likes you and he is serious about trying to date you, he is going to make that meeting happen as soon as possible. The warning signs point to the likelihood that he is in a relationship and is testing the waters or he is not at all who he has portrayed himself to be - he is starting to roll out information that he is not what he represented in his profile, which means he is dishonest. I am giving you some tough love here because I have been dating online and offline consistently for a good 30 years and I have seen it all. There are a lot of men out there, especially online, who are in relationships and they go online looking for attention, validation, a thrill, whatever. You have to be careful, you have to pay attention to red flags, I know it's exciting after all of this time but don't abandon all common sense. I think you should tell him that you want to meet this week or you are going to stop emailing him and if he continues to put you off then seriously stop emailing, period, cut it off and move on. If he does agree to meet, you may find that the chemistry is really strong and his extra weight doesn't bother you. You still need to be mindful of his lack of availability, that is a big red flag. But in any case online chemistry does not equal in person chemistry and you always have to meet to find out and if it's not right then move on. I'm not really a fan of online dating for these reasons. Get out and do things that you like to do and you will meet men who are also doing those things. If you see a man who you are attracted to make eye contact, smile, and hold the eye contact for at least 5 seconds, if he likes what he sees he will probably approach you. Sometimes it's that easy! Don't get catfished
I am in my 60's and have done internet dating on and off for a long time. First advice: unless there are large distances between you, do not email forever without meeting the person. You don't want an email buddy, you want a relationship. Not saying he's a scammer, but this is how scammers get you hooked. They talk for ever and ever so you get emotionally hooked. Have you spoken on the phone? Do you know where he is geographically? do you know his last name? if you do, research on the internet to find if he's real. Your problem is not that he might be overweight, this could be way more serious than that. People use other people's photos, lie, etc. You need to be very very cautious with on-line dating. If he's not willing to talk on the phone and make definite plans to meet you, you need to be done with him immediately. On-line dater
Nobody can tell you how you should feel, so I'll stick to the facts that you wrote.
This man has put off meeting with you preferring to keep a correspondence going, and he has lied to you about his appearance. I find both to be red flags. Why lying is a red flag doesn't need explanation, I think. Preferring a correspondence to meeting in person it's sometimes linked to the easiness of creating a false sense of closeness and trust through words when, in reality, you don't know how this person behaves because you have not met him yet. In other terms, words are much less expensive than actions. I hope that you have not revealed too much of your personal information because, well, you don't know this guy.
On the other hand, he could be a shy man very self-conscious about his weight, but I would still find his choice of lying about it questionable. If you decide to meet him, you could let him know that you didn't like that he misrepresented himself and that this type of behavior doesn't inspire trust. And since this is an advice post, I'll add that if you can't arrange a meeting with him shortly after he has come back from vacation, it's time to move to the next profile. Dated before
Hi- I gather this is why he has not pushed for a 'face to face' meeting yet. I have done my share of on line dating and here is my advice. Meet him. See if you like him. I dated a guy once I met on line and he was wonderful although a bit heavier and than I expected and desired. It turned out not to be an issue with me at all. And actually he ended up naturally losing weight while dating me as I tended to be more active and calorie conscious.
If you don't feel attracted to him after meeting a few times, then move on to the next man. But note that if someone keeps an on line presence but does not offer to meet in person, that is usually a sign of something not quite right. good luck. been there/ done that
It's human nature to mate with only those you are attracted to. Don't feel bad and don't think you're being ''superficial''. Google 'matching hypothesis' That being said, you should still give him a chance and meet with him because some people take crappy pictures. Also, having that face to face meeting would determine if you are truly attractive to him or not. The weight might not be as a big of an issue if you find something attractive or endearing about him. Not a psychologist
Just adding in a slightly different slant on what's already been said (which I agree with). Between emailing and meeting is...the telephone. I am very intuitive about what's a ''match,'' especially based on how someone expresses themselves on the phone (tone of voice, humor, rhythm, do we have anything to talk about?, etc.) Many would say that they, or a potential partner, especially an introvert, may not present well by phone. True enough, but it's something to consider if you want an additional layer of information before meeting. It's my rule that I talk on the phone before meeting, because I don't actually want to sit for an hour with someone that I'm not feeling a ''click'' with. And, to highlight previous advice, do not waste time investing in someone that you've not met (whether texting, emailing, day dreaming, talking about). Hold each meeting lightly and see what comes. Good luck!
I am so sorry. For your sister, maybe you can find some on-line support groups for recently divorced people. When I divorced it was awful and disorienting, and in retrospect I wish I had joined a divorce Facebook group or in-person group at the beginning of the process. It sounds like she needs more help than that, if there is anyone she'll listen to (kids? clergy?), maybe they can talk to her.
That does sound extremely concerning but you will need to tread carefully. If it were me I would immediately fly to see your sister and just spend some time one on one with her. If she is religious, get her pastor, rabbi, etc involved as another caring friend. Ask to meet her new guy and assess for yourself. Invite him to spend time with both of you. I would also contact an attorney and figure out what your exposure is re your mother's finances, and whether you can at least protect those assets. But mainly - I'd jump way back into your sister's life and get to know her again.
Your comment that your sister manages your mother's finances raises red flags for me. I'm not sure what you can do to protect your sister from a possible scam. There are things you can do to protect your mother. Does your sister have a power of attorney or is she just informally paying bills? Are you a signatory on your mother's bank and/or investment accounts? Is your sister? Does your mother have significant assets? How is your relationship with your mother? Will she listen to you if you express concerns to her? Does she have her own attorney in her state? If I were you, I would consult an attorney here who might be able to get you started and/or refer you to someone in your mother's area. You are wise to be thinking about this. [Moderator: Please forward to OP if possible. Thank you.]
A friend was in a romance scam. Her kids did an image search and found that the picture of the guy was a generic photo, not who he purported. If you have his name and picture (maybe also phone number and email), a deep dive into some searching might turn up some info, including a history of scams.
I don't have much experience with this situation from a family perspective, but I do work at a bank where cases of romance scams come my way. The only advice I have is from a financial perspective, which is to please make sure your online credentials and private information (social security, passwords, etc.) are secured. Since you mention that your sister manages your mom's finances, maybe there is a way where you can also have some kind of joint control over that. If you have expressed your alarm already, maybe you can couch this as wanting to alleviate your own fears and that you would just feel better if both of you co-managed your mom's finances. Also, if she has not already decided to withhold information from you about this romance, try to suss out if this person has asked her to make any transfers or deposit anything. If so, then this is definitely a red flag, and you can always contact the bank for to upgrade your alerts and notifications, have them keep an eye out for suspicious transactions, etc. I think that if your gut is telling you something and you know that you don't have a lot of control over the situation, you should do whatever you can to protect you and your family's financial wellbeing at the very least. Good luck!
Sounds like it could be catfishing... I would do some research in that area. If your spidey sense and instincts are telling you something is wrong or too good to be true they are usually right! There is an show all about this - https://www.mtv.com/shows/catfish-the-tv-show
Good luck!
I think you are right to worry. (Admittedly, I do watch a lot of Dateline). I’d hire a Private Investigator to check him out, to at least see if there’s a pattern. Maybe one of her tall doctors can talk to her, if you happen to know any of them? Or perhaps you know a friend of hers who is in her area, and could see how things are going / also talk to her. Best of luck.
Get curious about your new brother-in-law
This sounds like a terrible situation. How difficult it must be for you.
What you describe is highly narcissistic behavior, whether an intentional scam or not. The Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Foundation has a series of blogposts about narcissistic behavior that may be informative. Here's a link to one of them.
Your sister sounds like she is involved in a formal religion. Would she be open to meeting with a faith-based counselor?
I have a good friend who narrowly escaped two romance scams. In both cases she met the men on Christian sites. In both cases the mate sent very romantic messages for over a month and then asked her to RECEIVE (not pay) money because of plausible-sounding logistical problems in their lives. The first one became insistent and rude when she refused, tipping her off. The second one cleverly seemed willing to drop the first request when she said she wasn’t comfortable receiving the money, but soon came up with a different one that still involved her receiving money. So my advice is to tell your sister to be wary not only of paying money but also of *receiving* it. Sooner or later this person will tip his hand and she can see the scam. It’s so sad that these people are preying on people in Christian matchmaking sites. They even use Bible verses to persuade their targets.
My sister was my mom's caretaker before she died. My sister had a 'boyfriend' who broke it off with her and then magically fell back in love and married her just after my mom passed and she inherited my mom's house (valued at over 1M). Now he is 'retired' (like at 50) while she works to support him and his loser (adult -always in trouble with the law) kids. We warned her, and now have 0 relationship. These scammers are out there and they are real (tell her to watch Netflix 'Tinder Swindler'). I agree with the suggestion you fly out and connect with her right away. Also, PLEASE get a lawyer involved! My sister did not have control of my mom's finances while she was alive, but my mom did not have a will. We siblings did not contest my sister getting the house because we were all partnered/married and had some financial stability. In retrospect, the guy stole what should have been equally divided and there's not a thing we can do about it - a cautionary tale!