Toilet Training and School
Archived Q&A and Reviews
My two-year-old is potty trained at home, but she is having lots of bowel accidents at nursery school. I have finally ascertained that the problem is she isn't asking her teachers to use the potty. They ask her to try to pee every so often, so she doesn't have bladder accidents. But they can't predict her bowel movements, so she goes in her pants. She seems to like nursery school and to be comfortable with her teachers in other aspects. I tell her to tell her teachers when she needs to go potty, but so far it isn't working. Any suggestions? Sarah
2 is still very young to be completely potty-trained. I suspect she is trained when she's with you, because you remind her. At nursery school the teachers are too busy to focus on any one child as much as you focus on your daughter at home, so if I were you I'd send her to preschool in diapers or Pull-Ups until she's older and can tell the teachers when she needs to go. Mommy of 3
I am wondering if anyone else has had this problem and what they did to help their child get over it. My son just turned five and started kindergarten in September. He has a history of holding his poop and we've been working on that for about two years and things have gotten a lot better. He also always held his pee at preschool, but as he was only there four hours, it was normally not a problem. Now that he's in kindergarten, the day is seven hours long, and he still holds it! He does not normally have accidents, he just holds it all day long.
Basically, he has formed an unusual attachment to me (mom) about the bathroom. When we worked through his fear around the poop withholding, I was always there by his side, encouraging him, holding his hand etc. Well, now, he doesn't want to use a bathroom if I am not present -- he goes fine in the bathroom at school if I am present, so he's not afraid of the toilet -- he just has anxiety about using it when I am not there. (At home and out and about, he is a bit better about this, but still often wants me in the bathroom with him and will usually hold it if anyone else is looking after him, like dad or grandma.)
So, we have gone to see Meg Zwieback about this, and she has been helpful in making us see that it's an anxiety/attachment issue, but so far my son's behavior has not changed. However, now the doctor is worried about him holding it for seven hours and would like me to go to the school each day at lunch to take him to the bathroom. She says it will cause physical damage and we should not let him go so long without peeing. I'm reluctant (as is the teacher), because that just seems like I'm reinforcing the behavior, and we would rather do anything possible to get him to start using the bathroom on his own. (Right now, we have the teacher aide take him twice a day, and he brings a favorite stuffed animal with him to make him more ''comfortable'', but neither of these have worked, he just says he does not need to go.) But, obviously, I'll find a way to go to the school every day if it's going to cause him physical damage. The whole thing is very stressful for me, though I try to hide how stressed I am about it from him.
My question: has anyone else ever experienced something like this? did you child hold it all day at school? and if so, what did you do? Worried mom
Perhaps I shouldn't answer since I don't have any good advice, but my kindergartner has some similar issues. She has always been able to hold her urine for alarming amounts of time. When we traveled shortly after she was potty trained, she held it for 21 hours!! I was beside myself wishing she would just pee her pants or something, but she just held it until she finally relaxed at the hotel. Yikes! I just asked her and she said she has not ever used the bathroom at kindergarten, but she is still only going for half day. Even when she gets home, she often will go for a long time without going, and sometimes she seems to go most of the day on weekends without using the bathroom. When we spoke to our pediatrician about it a year or so ago (just the fact that she seemed to use the bathroom very infrequently and hold it for very long stretches of time in unfamiliar places) she reassured us that it was normal for kids to go long stretches. Our situation is different in that our daughter hasn't had any other bathroom issues and, most importantly, that our pediatrician is not at this point concerned, but I thought it might help you feel a little better to know that there's another kindergartner out there holding her pee for long stretches of time! Mother of a Camel
Sadly, I do know someone who used to hold it all day at school. Me. It was brutal. In my case, it was because my mom emphasized public toilets as ''icky dirty'' and I was afraid to use them. I held it in all day, day after day, sometimes running the 8 blocks home to make it to my own bathroom in time. (This was back in the day when a 1st grader could walk alone 8 blocks to/from school so you can probably imagine how old I must be now.) One day, I couldn't hold it long enough and I had an accident. It was so embarrassing that I gave up on trying to hold it anymore and started using the public toilets despite my fear. Oddly though, my daughter also held her pee and had an accident or two at school before she decided it was better and easier to just go. (To avoid repeating my mother's mistake, I have always been positive about public toilets with her. She just simply didn't want to interrupt her day.) I don't know what you can do to convince your son to go when he has to go. Maybe you can try to encourage him to go all by himself at home and then at school when you drop him off in the morning? Anyway, if it makes you feel any better, I seem to have suffered no long-term ill effects from my pee-holding days. -anon
A friend solved this problem with her son by making a trip to school each day to visit the potty WITH the school nurse to use the toilet in her office (quieter, more private). After a few weeks or possibly months, he was able to trust the nurse enough to use the toilet with her even if the mom did not show up. Not sure what happened after that, if he mainstreamed to the regular bathrooms or kept going to the nurse's office, but I know the mom finally got off the hook. Montclair Mommy
My son is 3 years old (soon to be four) and we are having trouble with potty training. He is considered trained at preschool because he holds pee and poop all day until he gets home. Until this week, we were putting on a pull-up when he got home from school and he would soil two or three during the evening. The preschool suggested we go ''cold turkey'', which we have tried before, and not use anything but underwear. He is still holding it although did finally pee in the toilet last night. YEAH. I'm worried about him holding his BM especially because of constipation. I am super stressed over the potty training which doesn't help him in the least. Any advice on how to help him or ME?
Children are very smart, you have taught your child for three years that pee and poop go in the diaper. He is just sticking to that. If you can't get him to go in the toilet I would suggest you watch him closely. When you see him start to go prompt him with a ''psst'' or grunt depending on what he's doing. Do it for a couple of days with him in his diaper then start doing it when he's on the toilet. It's going to take him some time so be sure he has a potty he can relax and sit on himself. If he still won't go on the toilet put him back in underwear or a pull up and again watch him closely. This time when you see him start to go take him to the potty and prompt him. Most kids have a tell, something they do before they go. Just watch for that in your child. It's a process but if he's holding it he's got the hard part down, he should get the rest of it pretty quickly. anon
Hi all - My son will not use the potty at school and consequently goes through 3 sets of clothes per day. He is very proficient, even proud, of going # 1 and 2 any where BUT at school and has been potty trained for a year now. He has every reason and justification in the world why he can't go at school but I think it may boil down to a subtle game of control. We are desperately seeking ideas for how to get beyond this phase! Thank you very much. Anonymous
Put him in a diaper or pull-up and tell him that's the deal until he starts using the toilet at school. It worked for a friend's son - he wore the pull-up and used it for about a week then was so over it he started using the potty there too -Good luck.
I sympathize with you on this issue. It causes a lot of anxiety for the parents. The same thing happened to us. I believe it was indeed a control issue----not only for him to have control over this issue, but also, I think, to have control over the adults in his life. As he got older, controlling the adults in his life has been a big part of his personality. His preschool was firm that they wouldn't diaper change 4 yr olds, so I sent him each day wearing pull-up diapers and when we got home, I changed him. It was upsetting to us and inconvenient to all adults involved, but right before entering kindergarten he abandoned it (he probably sensed that the kindergarten teachers called the shots now, not him anyore). This type of stubborn behavior recurred occasionally in later years. Now he insists on being the boss of his college applications and it's driving us parents bonkers. It's Hands Off as far as his parents are concerned. We're so worried he's being stubbornly foolish. Being a parent is really hard----we tried discipline of all kinds, taking away cherished possessions, etc. He's more stubborn than the two of us combined. Good luck. As they say, (hopefully), This, too, shall pass Anon
our daughter was the same way when she began preschool at age 3. we (her father, teacher and i) decided not to make it more of a heated issue and agreed that it was ok to bring her potty to school (a smallish bjorn potty that she requested we bring there.) after a handful of accidents, she started bringing a 'potty buddy' with her and eventually started going on her own, 4 months or so later. as time passed, we talked about it less (only when she brought it up and then i remained neutral/ encouraging), and the next year her potty wasn't there, and she was fine. last week, after being at this school for 1 1/2 years, she pooped there for the first time. i knew she was holding it for months, as the first thing she'd do when she returned home was poop. i think it's key to have a flexible preschool and not to make it an issue. i personally didn't blame her for not wanting to go potty in that bathroom. not that it is that dirty, but it sure isn't like home! good luck. it takes time but it will happen been there
My son didn't want to use the potty at school, either. This is very common. Even though he was using the ''big toilet'' at home, our solution was to ask the school if he could bring his own potty chair to use at school. They agreed, and we decorated it with his name, etc, and he used it just fine at school. It completely solved the problem, he was comfortable and the teachers just had to help him empty the potty (easier than changing wet and soiled clothes!). After a while he moved through this phase, and became comfortable using the toilet at school. Good luck! Been there