Where to Meet Other Singles?

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Dating in my mid-40's - Where to meet guys??

April 2010

I'm a woman in my mid-40s and I've been out of the dating scene a long time. Now I'd really like to find a partner. I'm willing to give online dating a shot, but it's not my preference. I'd prefer to start off with live interaction. But I have no idea where to go to meet nice guys (over the age of 40). I don't drink, so the bar scene is out. Anyone got any suggestions?? I'd love to hear from both women and men about this. Thanks! C

Hi, I'd suggest joining a cyber group such as Bay Area Link Up and/or a Meetup group such as the Bay Area Single Parents...you can find them by doing a google search. I belong to both and it is a relaxed fun way to meet others - men and women - while participating in activities that you enjoy. I have made some new friends and dated some great guys...most people are 30 - 60 in age. For me it feels more natural than online dating. Good luck! Fellow 40-something single woman
Have you tried social dancing? The SF Bay in general and Berkeley in particular have several very active dancing communities. The age ranges vary, but there are a lot of older people (some of them single) in the Tango community where my wife and I dance. There are also seem to be a lot of people your age in the ballroom and salsa communities, although I am less familiar with them. Ben
Hello there! I don't think things have changed much from back when I was dating. It always seemed to me that the best way to meet someone is either getting introduced casually through friends, or by picking some group activities you're really interested in in your spare time and doing them regularly. That all said, I wouldn't rule out also trying something like match.com. It seems like a pretty low-risk thing to try. Good Luck! == East Bay Guy
Don't knock on line dating. I met my partner of 3+ years on line and my ex met his wife on line. Some sites are better than others. Ask friends about their experiences. There are also plenty of good on line resources/articles about the etiquette of on line dating (and safety factors).

To meet guys in person...what do you like to do best in terms of hobbies or sports? That is a good place to start. Or, if you can tolerate guy sports...you can find lots of guys at the golf course, taking flying lessons, fishing, at car shows. If you are looking for divorced guys with kids, try the local playgrounds on the weekends. Or borrow a dog and go to the dog park. For me, a good step was writing up a list of the qualities that I definitely wanted in a partner, the deal breakers (drugs, smoking, mean to people, etc.) and the qualities that would be nice but weren't required. Best wishes!! kl

I don't have any advice, since I'm sort of in the same situation. I am in my 40's and going through a divorce, but I expect that someday I will start dating again. I have a young child and work at home, so meeting men out in the real world will be very hard. When I am ready, I plan to try online dating, specifically eharmony.com. I have friends who swear by it and say that everyone they know who used it had success. Online dating is a whole new world for me, but things have changed since my 20's. I like the idea that you can screen out people before you even meet them (Don't like dogs? Forget it.) You get to find out more about them via e-mail and can move on if you don't click, before you meet in person. Why not give it a try? Terrified about dating again
What do you like to do? what would you like to do with a partner? My mom had a saying from way back, that I just have to share: Love isn't about holding hands and staring into each other's eyes, it's about holding hands and both walking in the same direction. (I didn't do that, but I like it!) So: sports? church? hiking? cooking? dancing? gardening? volunteering at the food bank? ringing doorbells for a candidate? Good luck! There's someone for everybody.

Are single guys in their 30's either duds or taken?

Jan 2008

I am expecting my first baby and my best friend is 33, childless and single. I often feel bad about talking about how happy my babydaddy and I am for fear of making her feel bad, though she is always happy for us and never pouts or guilt trips. But our current analysis seems to be realistic; that single guys in their 30's are either dud's or taken. I recommended that she explore the wonderful world of the divorced (daddies or otherwise), that like our fathers, they will have learned their lessons when they messed up their first marriage (or marriage-like relationship). She's into the idea but doesn't know where to start. Does anyone have any insight or experience? Know any nice divorced daddies? Or that rare single gem? I want to see her happily accompanied! looking out for that 3rd wheel

The single guys in their 30's are not all duds. My brother, who turns 38 this year, is simply a late bloomer. He did not date much in his 20's, too busy playing and learning. He now is fighting the curse of being an older single male who is stereotyped as out of the running since he must be seriously flawed to be single now. Any chance your friend likes skiing, hiking, biking, camping? My brother is intelligent and active and would love to find a woman to match him. Finding bright women has not been the main challenge; bright women abound. It's trouble finding women interested in outdoors or ones ready for committment. Of course to add to his challenges, he's yet another single male engineer in Silicon Valley. All that said, your friend may really be fine at her life stage - just because you are transitioning doesn't mean she wants/needs to! tto
Your friend is not hopeless, nor does she need to concentrate on young divorcees or widows, although she should keep an open mind about them. It seems to me that there are plenty of 33 year old guys who have never been married. Especially if they have some great job that required extended education. I would be concerned if someone was divorced and out on the prowl by 33 honestly. There are plenty of great guys out there. She just needs to stay on the scene a little bit instead of getting too cozy being the only single in your crowd. my 2 cents
My advice is to advise her to date men who she thinks will make wonderful life partners. Your assumption that single unmarried men in their 30s are no longer any good doesn't make any sense. I know of many fine single unmarried men in their 30s who would make excellent partners. Does she want a divorced man in his 30s with children and potential problems from another marriage? Perhaps, if she truly and genuinely loves him AND his children. Or does she want a single unmarried man in his 30s who doesn't have that kind of baggage whom she can start a family with? Anon
Great question and interesting subject....Just because someone is divorced doesn't necessarily mean that they learned some valuable lessons. Some divorced people never learn anything. Second, just because a marriage ends in divorce, don't assume it was the man's fault. Women ruin marriages at about the same rate as men do. Third, it is just an excuse to think that there are no good companions out there. You can't really believe that? Tell her to pursue hobbies, take time for herself, try online dating, and get involved with things that make you happy. Finally, it might be that you have more of an issue with this then your friend does. Maybe you should tone down the pregnancy talk and pursue some activities that you both enjoy, that don't involve checking out baby strollers. Congrats on new baby! Bob
Ya know, I don't know your friend, but as someone who met my husband when I was 33 and he was 29, I have to say I think the reason we got together was because I was ready and I had come, after a long time and a lot of work, to truly love myself and accept that I was fine and happy single. Once I reached that conclusion and wasn't consciously looking, it happened. Also, I was open to him. Ten years earlier I wouldn't have even talked to him, much less date or eventually marry him. Now, I admit that I was social, I went out, had lots of friends and we met at a party. Nothing fancy. I'm just saying, your friend needs to fall in love with herself. This may not lead to her finding someone, divorced, older, younger, whatever, but if she's truly in love with herself, it won't matter. I believe that at my core and I hope she comes to realize that. married at 36, mom at 39 and 41
It sounds like your underlying worry is that you and your friend will drift apart after the baby comes since you're in very different stages of life and you're really happy about where you are. Maybe instead of trying to figure out ways she can catch up to you by finding Mr. Right, no matter how well meaning you are, you could try just telling her that her friendship is important to you and that you worry that talking about how happy you are might make her sad. You might have an interesting conversation. I didn't get married until I was 34, and there were times before I met my husband when I was able to be really happy for friends getting married and having kids and other times when I really tried to be happy for them, but deep down was mostly just jealous. Giving her a chance to be honest about whatever she's feeling might just be the best thing for your friendship going forward. And take my word for it, no matter how much you love your baby, there will most likely be moments when you envy her freedom to spend a whole Sunday morning reading the newspaper in bed or run off to a movie or whatever. Congratulations. Good luck and congratulations. Anon

Where can shy son meet singles under 40?

April 2007

Alas, our children do grow up. Any advice where singles in the 30 to 40 age range meet and socialize in the Berkeley and surrounding area? Our oldest son is back home, socially shy, working but having difficulty reaching out. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Concerned mom

Your shy son has the best chance of meeting someone of the opposite sex if he goes to groups that do what he loves doing the most. For example, if he likes hiking, he can meet single woman in their 30s by going on hikes with East Bay Casual Hiking Group (hiking.bondon.com). It's a great place for shy people in their 30s to meet someone of the opposite sex. Bicyclists and runners also have groups in the East Bay. You can be shy and do quite well in those groups. I know I'm focusing on sports groups here, but it applies to all groups i.e. book reading groups, artist groups, meditation groups for people in their 30s, religious singles groups, etc. If he participates in lots of activities that he truly loves, he is bound to meet someone sooner or later. Anon

Meeting Progressive Single Men

March 2007

How does a 50 year old single mom meet a progressive single man? Where do progressive single men (with or without kids) hang out? Craigslist is filled with flaky ads for superficial connections--not what I'm seeking. What advice do you have for this artsy, intellectual, attractive, post-modern, fit, very progressive mom who is not into bars. Farmers markets? Cafes? Poetry/ book readings? Would such a guy approach a woman with a child? Has anyone been successful in this 'endeavor'? People always tell me I am such a find---so where do I go to 'get found'? anonymous

If you find out let me know! I find that the men ''around here'' aren't very outgoing. Is it layed-back California? Everyone is so passive and won't make the ''first move''. It could be the age or the child factor, who knows?? I'll be interested to see if any single men answer! 45 y.o. single mom, also a ''catch''.
Have you signed up for Quake Radio's events list? KQKE 960AM is a great station affiliated with Air America. In fact they are having an event Mar. 29 in Redwood City. www.quakeradio.com progressive mommy
Oooh, one more. I also remembered that Tumble & Tea in Oakland has events called ''Single Parents Rock.'' Visit www.tumbleandtea.com and sign up for their emails to get a reminder. progressive mommy
i am a single man with a child. i am 63, my daughter is 8 and i have half custody of her, am very involved with her and her life. i don't know if ''progressive'' describes me. i am probably best labelled ''outright radical''. i don't drink, watch tv, have or want a cell phone, am not religious, don't eat garbage or drink coffee. don't like anything connected w/ disney or hollywood. my daughter and i play ball, do art, play games, read, do math problems, sing, i take her to martial arts, gymnastics, practice piano with her, help her with homework, take her to softball (now that basketball is over), discuss her social life (almost as difficult as mine; go figure), and host play dates whenever possible. never tried craigslist, but have been on match.com for over a year now; not much happening there for me, as the women my age all want to travel (i hate it, even had i time for it, which i don't between my work and my daughter) and most women my age also seem to feel they have ''been there, done that'' in terms of raising small children. women younger of course want someone more their own age. no one has told me i am ''a find'' but i do hear lots about how ''easy'' it is for older men to find women. not my experience, AT all. if you think we might have anything in common, please feel free to drop me a line. doug
I can't really vouch for these yet, but I just signed up for greensingles.com and green-passions.com, which are dating sites for progressive singles. There don't seem to be a ton of Bay Area members, but there are some, and you might get lucky. It's worth a try, anyway. also looking

Dating after 40

Nov. 2005

Three years post-divorce with the children stablized, I am ready to start dating. I already did Table for Six, have hit a few drinking establishments, and have done activities that I enjoy. The men at Table for Six were nice but always a little off the mark - they seemed to be sort of stuck in place, or too eager - maybe it was just me but it was hard to connect. One of the activities produced a terrific connection but otherwise there is no rhyme or reason to meeting people. Can you tell your stories about the best way to meet people - other than match.com or craigslist? I don't like to hike so the Sierra Club is out, and in general, I have little time - a Friday night or Saturday night here or there. I'd like to be more systematic! anon

Have you ever tried partner or social dancing? Would you want to try partner or social dancing? There are places where you can learn a partner dance with no partner required. You can learn ballroom, east coast or west coast swing, latin, oh the list goes on. I know that, at least in the queer community it has been a great way to make new friends, meet new people and to have some fun. Be bold, go out, learn something new (or brush up the dance lessons) and get out there!

Check out San Francisco Dance Company on College Ave. near Clairemont Ave. or try Allegro Ballroom in Emeryville- they might have some information and can give you some direction or offer some suggestions. Good luck!
Social Dancer

Hey, if you find out let me know!! I'm tired of the internet, have some really BAD dates! I hope that I will just bang into someone coming out of the supermarket or video store, as that's about all I do these days besides going to work. I heard about dharmamatches.com, but haven't tried it, might be too ''groovy''. I wish there was: nicesingleartistguylookingforrelationship.com!

Really, let us know if you find a nice person and where. I have my own theories about when we will meet the right people, but have yet to feel like it's really been proven true or not and won't waste this space with it.
Good luck
also ready to date

I made a concerted effort to meet someone 4 years ago at age 37, after finally figuring out the block I'd had for decades re what I was looking for in a man/partner (which boiled down to realizing I should be seeking respect/nurturing/''being there'' rather than excitement/intellectual stimulation). Other things that helped: seeing a therapist, reading Excess Baggage-- Getting Out of Your Own Way by Judith Sills, accepting that I might not ever find a partner and that my life was full of love and excellent as is, and letting go of my desperation, melancholy and bitterness about not having found someone yet or ever.

Once I felt like I was on the right track, I discussed with friends/acquaintances--in an upbeat, marketing sort of way, not in a desperate, needy way--what I offered someone and what I was looking for in someone. I was very specific, even on surface things like appearance. (I think it's important to be proactive with folks when you want referrals because otherwise they don't realize how seriously you want to meet someone.) Lo and behold, a classmate immediately identified her brother-in- law as a good candidate. Within a month we had a date, and four years later we are married and just had a baby.

Good luck!

PS I was upfront pretty early re wanting to be a parent. Too many times in the past I had not brought it up early, only to end up getting involved with someone who didn't want kids or didn't want to think about it for five years,and then prolonging the agony thinking they would change their mind (which they didn't). kw

I started dating again when I was about 42 and it took a year or so to really get going. The basic advice I have is to find a group or two or three that do something you like: play games, read books, go to film noirs, whatever. You can probably find listings on Craigslist and by asking around as well. Go to the activities and if you don't meet any interesting men for a while, well, at least you'll enjoy the activities. And eventually, given enough time and activities, you will meet someone (or someones)who you'd like to date, who'd also like to date you. And you will at least have one thing in common you both like. The basic idea is to take the pressure off ''finding someone'' and just enjoy yourself and let it happen.
Good luck

Where to meet Jewish men?

Jan. 2003

Any ideas of where to go/what to do in the Bay Area to meet single, Jewish men, within, say the 35-45 year range? anonymous

Look through the newspaper called The Jewish Bulletin. It comes out once a week. You can probably pick one up at any JCC. There are ads in it for single groups and also a big list of personals. It seems to me too that the Berkeley/Richmond JCC (on Walnut and Rose sometimes has singles gatherings. They have a schedule of classes and events that you could pick up there or get on their mailing list. I would also recommend classes at any of the larger synagogues in the area (I say larger cause the pickin's will be better than at a smaller congregation). Good luck and have fun. Been there
To meet single Jewish men, you should definitely try doing a posting on the website ''jdate.com'' My friend has had some very good luck there and is now happily dating a very nice and successful M.D. --anon.

Where to meet leftist men?

Jan. 2003

Where do single leftist men hang out? I'm not the type to go to bars, but do love the multiculti arts scene, some political events/ talks, cafes, but haven't done any of this in a few years so I could use some recommendations of places that I could go to alone, but might be conducive to an engaging conversation/ connection. (I tend to be drawn to artists and academics) I'm a single mom, in my early 40's and it has been a few years since I've 'been on the scene', but am ready to pursue some kind of romantic relationship. I'd appreciate any recommendations.

I met my husband 14 years ago at a Sierra Singles volleyball game. If you play any kind of group sports, it's a great way to meet guys. Sierra Singles in the Bay Area used to have events almost every night of the week and on the weekend. I would say most of the men were left-of-center, environmentalist types who like outdoor activities. My girlfriend who was in her forties at the time also met her husband at a club event, but it took her several months of attending events where often there weren't very many men. She preferred hiking to group sports. She ended up making some good women friends too and that in itself made it more than worthwhile. Good luck.
What's worked for me is Craig's List. You can be as specific as you want, and there is a fairly wide variety of seekers available.

You will have some ''growth opportunities'' during FIrst Dates, and if you place a ''Women for Men'' post, you'll get some inappropriate replies (among the 60-70 you'll get), BUT I met my current lover, 2 women who are close, close, platonic friends, and had several other lovely encounters through Craig's List.

One other thought for direct meetings: Meetings. There are several progressive movements around this area, generally around ecological and political issues. You may have noticed a growing anti-war movement, for instance. Chose your agenda, and ''keep a close watch for the ties that bind'', and I'm willing to imagine you'll find the love that's out there.

If my ex-mother in law can find a new love at 70, you can too!
Been There, Done That

La Pena Cultural Center! Get their monthly calendar, go to some events, and you will find leftists galore.
Around CAL campus is a good start. I often eat lunch along Bancroft in the little cafes and there seem to be a good crop of unaccompanied men willing to chat. My advice is to do things you like to do and chat with people you meet there. For example, volunteer work that might be ''male oriented'' like building houses for Habitat for Humanity. You could also sign up for a leftist sounding class at the UC Extension. Many mature students go to Extension classes. Anti-war protests, anyone? How about local Sierra Club hikes? There is a whole Sierra Singles group my sister met some nice guys at. Good luck!!! If a recent Oprah show was any indicator, they are out there! Suggestions on that show included match.com and ''speed dating.''
another ''leftist'' in Berkeley
I can't speak for all SLM's, but I can speak for myself... I don't go to bars but maybe that is just me... Instead I would recommend checking out ''www.meetinggame.com'' . They hold periodic mixers and the format gives an effective but low pressure way of meeting people. It is not directed toward leftist's but I would expect that the Berkeley events have a good representation. Also the Sierra Club singles events are good and then there is always match.com.
a slm