Live in the unit downstairs after divorce?
Hello,
My partner and I are not married but have been together over 15yrs., own a home together and have an 11yr. old son. Our relationship has never been really great - at least from my end of the experience. He's a hard worker, good dad and a generally good person BUT with issues that have deeply affected our bond/trust/intimacy. His verbal abuse has soured the waters for me. Even after 2 years of couples therapy (which ended 5 yrs ago because he agreed to individual therapy but then never went), not enough has changed for me to see us ever being/feeling close. The daily borage of name calling and angry rages for no apparent reason have been greatly reduced but things are still said and done that make me feel that he really doesn't know or care to know the real me despite my herculean efforts to be clear and share my emotions. I'm just tired and really lonely. Our sex life has never been satisfying - I've been responsible for my own orgasims for the entire duration of our relationship. I'm just done. At this point, he would like to stay together and 'work on' the relationship (basically do the things that we were supposed to have done when we were in therapy but rarely did). We ironically make a good team when it comes to money and parenting...but lovers we are not.
I want to know how/if people have uncoupled without a lot of drama. We have an apartment in the lower half of our home - currently occupied. I work from home and am the main caregiver/household manager. I want to stay in the home as a way to make it easy for our son. I thought of moving to the lower unit and he and his dad stay upstairs. I have not been able to sell this idea to partner as of yet.
We worked really hard to get this house and have financial stability. It's hard to walk away from that and pay 2k-3k for a decent place on my freelancer/unpredictable income. I want what is best for my son but can't live like this anymore.
Have you ever had this living situation work? If so, how and for how long? What boundaries did you set for caretaking/money.etc. Was there another solution that worked better? I'd love to hear some ideas on creative solutions as bay area living has become so damn expensive. My heart aches for more and I need to move on. Tell me about how you creatively uncoupled. Thanks.
Parent Replies
Your situation is remarkable similar to mine 8 years ago. We'd been married for 11 years, together for 14, and he was verbally abusive. My daughter was 6 when we finally split. We owned a duplex, and the lower unit was vacant when the straw fell that broke the camels back. I moved into the lower unit and am still there 8 years later (the divorce came 2 years after the separation). Once my ex and I had a situation where we could retreat to our separate units when things got heated, it got much easier to deal with him (and him me, I think). In our case the two units in the building were very similar, other than one having three small bedrooms and the other having two larger ones. She has a bedroom in each apartment (getting a separate bedroom was one of the few perks of the divorce at the time). My daughter, now in high school, seems to think that it was a good setup. No issues with forgetting something at the other parent's house, she just runs upstairs or downstairs to grab it. We still have, and abide by, a custody schedule, but she'll pop by occasionally on day's she's with her dad to pet the cats or grab something.