Help With Social Skills!
I am looking for some recommendations for classes/one one one sessions, or just some ideas for my 6th grade, soon to be 13 year old, daughter. By appearance she is a pretty standard kid, plays sports, has friends, gets good grades ... but I notice that she has little issues arise with different friends, sometimes big issues (right now one girl hates her and is trying to get others to talk about her too - she said she hasn't really done anything to this girl but the girl says she is annoying (I think she might be)). I occasionally monitor her and her older brother's phones and I notice that she doesn't seem to always know how to act with friends. She say "you can come if you want" when really she is trying to invite someone to do something. She kind of lies, or tells funny half truths too ... she posted a kind of funny pic of a friend on TikTok and one girl said "hey, why did you post that?" and she said "I didn't" and the friend said "???" Of course she posted it, so what did that mean? She is big in on the gossip as they all seem to be, when I've forever talked about staying clear of gossip. She sometimes acts dumb, asks really dumb questions when the situation or answer is clear (it really annoys her brother and I can see why). This one is kind of weird, I can see kids wondering what she is doing. She also interrupts all the time and doesn't pay attention to what friends are saying so doesn't respond correctly and then may tell an off topic story of her own while people sit there wondering what she is doing. I've talked to her about really listening to friends, asking them questions, learning about them. When I ask her about her friends she doesn't seem to know too much about them. She knows a bit but doesn't seem to really listen or to be super close with anyone. I don't know if I haven't been a good role model in all of this, although I do have good friends, or if she just doesn't really know how to do this but I'm not sure how to help her. I've given her some tips and I've told her that being truthful with friends is the most important thing ... but I see the same behaviors and I worry that by high school she won't really have any close friends. Any thoughts from all of you wise parents out there? Thank you.
Parent Replies
I am no expert but I would suggest getting your daughter a full assessment to determine if she might have ADHD or be high functioning ASD. These present differently in girls. Some of the issues you point out with understanding friends, communication, lack of focus, etc could be explained. A diagnosis could really help explain her issues and help you find the best ways for her to get the help and support she needs. It would also free you from blaming yourself or questioning your parenting. You seem like a caring and empathetic parent
Hi there - I am not a therapist or medical professional but I am wondering about ASD - Autism Spectrum Disorder. It would explain most of the issues you’ve raised. ASD presents very differently in girls, and if this were my child, I’d have her evaluated. Once you both understand what’s going on, you can design appropriate approaches to make her life better.
This sounds EXACTLY like my almost-16 year old daughter at that age. She had a lot of friends, but no close friendships. She went off topic and didn't listen well, and kids perceived her as annoyingly goofy. Two years ago she was finally diagnosed with ADHD (non hyperactive). We'd wondered for quite a while because of her spaciness and because her dad has ADHD, but it stayed under the radar because she had excellent grades and because it manifested as "dreaminess" rather than hyperactivity (which is common with girls). Anyway, she's been on Ritalin for almost 2 years and for her it's been life-changing. She is much less socially awkward because she's more focused and can listen to her friends, which makes her a better friend. She now has a lot of meaningful one-on-one friendships. Not sure if you've ever explored this possibility but we're so glad we did. Good luck!
Have you read Odd Girl OUt-The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons.? Bullying is a hot-button issue in schools, but female aggression (bullyung by exclusion, gossiping, and shaming) hasn't reached the radar of many educators.