Unhappy at College

Hi There! Your post really hit a chord with me. My kids are still little, but as someone who really struggled in college, your post was familiar. The first two years of college, for me, were mostly likely the hardest in my life. I made similar decisions as your daughter (a school far away from home, chose the wrong major, couldn't make friends etc.)  Staying at my college was the only choice I had despite all my instincts telling me I was in the wrong situation. My parents attitude was "you made this commitment, you need to figure out how to be successful." I was miserable. I was diagnosed with ADHD ten years after I graduated from college. Here's what would have been useful for me freshman year:

I wish it would have been okay for me to take an untraditional path to college. Maybe work part time and take classes part time. Maybe travel for a year. Part of my ADHD is that I'm a lot more successful working than sitting in a class learning. A full time course load was only setting me up to fail. (for example, maybe your daughter could work part time as a personal trainer or group fitness instructor and take classes part time earning her degree in 6 years instead of 4)

It was never okay for me to leave college and come home. In hindsight knowing that I had that choice would have made me much stronger. I grew up in a town with a huge state school and a year at home, working and taking classes part time would have really helped me feel supported (and been much much cheaper than paying for my fancy private school)

In the early 90's nobody suspected ADHD in young women. Knowing this and working with a therapist would have helped me in enormously. As an adult I've learned how to manage my ADHD though lifestyle and diet (by taking risks and failing) but I really really could have used help when I was in my late teens and early 20's. Even just having a diagnosis would have helped me understand why I was struggling SO much in school and would have helped me figure out a number of things sooner. (I'm freakishly creative and very very very active.)

Finally, I grew up in a very co-dependent family. I didn't even understand what true emotional independence was until much much later and thus was often making choices based on my parents emotions, not my own. Embracing therapy and learning this earlier on would have been helpful. 

FWIW I spent ten years after college involved in the fitness industry in some way. (As a trainer, or group ex instructor.) It's a GREAT career for someone with ADHD.

Good luck!! Parenting is so hard!!

Dear Mom:  Oh, how I feel for your pain. I haven't been through this precise situation but so many like it.  Here are some ideas I think you should help her consider: 1. Mills College!  I taught there for ten years (have since moved on) but it's a wonderful place and the small setting can actually benefit her in so many ways (the stress, the friendships, and even getting back on track for pre-med if she wants it). They are very good at placing women in medical school and they have lots of "on-ramps" so students who start badly can right themselves and get back on track. 2. Keep on the path of transferring but think about something closer (doesn't have to be so close) to home so you can monitor and help more easily.  Take particular care to find schools where social bonds are fostered. However, it's hard to transfer to non-privates in CA as a sophomore. 3. Consider coming home, going to Berkeley City College, which can give you access to a limited number of classes at Cal, and then transfer in junior year. This would also give her a change to begin to get herself settled down, address any ADHD, anxiety issues (these might be real, even if her approach to dealing with them is rushed).  And bite your tongue every time you want to say "Grrrr. I warned you!" which will be probably 100 times a day.

Wishing you all the best, Sabrina

Not sure about ADHD, but certainly some testing might help allay those fears. It does sound to me, however, as if there is some Oppositional Defiance going on. Since your daughter is already 18, unlikely she would receive that diagnosis, but my daughter sounds very similar, and she has been diagnosed with Executive Dysfunction and ODD. We are having the EXACT same issues now while she's still in 12th grade. We even visited a lovely CSU (Channel Islands) this past weekend, which I think is a good match for her (small/small classes/good support resources), and to which she's already accepted. So of course, she's not interested in going there. Meanwhile, no word from the other CSUs she applied to. I feel for you, but at 18 the only leverage you may have is financial. Frankly, if she wants to come back west, that's probably a good thing (we lived in VA for a decade, and in FL for 4 years, so I totally get Southern culture).  Have her look at Northern AZ U too, they have a good biomedical science program that might be a better fit for her (and they give the WUE tuition rates). If she still wants a really big school, maybe CSU Chico or SDSU would be good fits for her. Good luck and be sure to keep us posted how this plays out! Hang in there! We don't get all this gray hair for nothing!

Hi there. I think this type of thing happens more often than you know. She is still young and leaving home for the first time is a big challenge. 

I think you can help her in these ways. First- tell her you hear her and that many many kids question their choices once they start college. I would recommend to her that she finish her first year and revisit her decision to leave. She can also see a counselor on campus for free.

also- she can join a sorority as a sophomore. I did this after a miserable freshman year and it made the rest of my college years much better. Great friends and lots of social opportunities as well as volunteering etc

If she still feels miserable definitely have her meet w a college placement counselor to try to help her find a better fit. (Did she use one initially?)

i doubt she has all of the sudden gotten ADHD (esp if no symptoms prior) but probably the rigors of pre med and college level academics are probably just hitting her all at once. Colleges have tons of tutoring options available And I am sure someone  can help her get organized with her schoolwork.

it seems to me that you  are doing a great job- and remember that a lot of teenagers are just like she is. Hang in there...

I can just respond to a part of this: many, many students (my husband was one of them) are 100% convinced for years that they want to become doctors, start in on a pre-med program, and then take that fateful science class that changes their minds. My husband's class was chemistry, and I've heard this story several times enough to realize it happens quite a bit to many students. Not everybody, of course, but yeah, that college level science class might turn a few students into a different major and it's ok! He ended up switching to an English major thanks to a fabulous teacher at community college, and we met in the English department at UC Berkeley. He just finished his MBA and made partner at his company, so his alternate path turned out to be a much better fit for him. Another acquaintance is currently in college at Davis, had the same experience, and is exploring different alternate options and I love that she's learned a lot about herself at college. She led a fabulous program at Berkeley Public Library on Career Goals for teens and she brought up a lot of very practical considerations to consider when choosing a college and also being flexible on your life plan because, well, life has a lot of twists and turns to it. 

The book that helped me come to terms with the twists and turns in my own life was Po Bronson's _What Should I Do With My Life?_. I thought he did a wonderful job of really demonstrating how real life is: he tells people's real stories about how they answered that question for themselves and how they ended up in their work. You aim for something, and you may get it, or something else may come up that sends you off in a different direction, or a slightly different area. Life does that, and we all roll with the changes as best we can. I thought it was a good and clear education on what being an adult is, really. (It is not a guidebook on career exploration but more a guidebook on life and how changes and choices affect our path and goals). 

I coached my niece to make an effort to understand her personality. Specifically, to help her how she shows up to herself first and to others second. We worked together and used the Myers Briggs to learn that her personality type was heavily weighted towards INFP. From there, she blossomed. Meaning, she finally felt understood or more like she felt that she showed to her for the first type. There are tools like the Enneagram, Disc, etc. that help people begin to understand how they are wired.

There is truly no right or wrong answer here, but it does begin to connect the dots. Her feedback to me, it was amazing and eye opening.

I'm not quite there yet, having a high school junior who has thankfully decided UC Merced will be her first choice due to it being small, not too far away, and having many other students who come from urban, coastal cities. I would suggest your daughter finish the school year where she is and if she is still miserable, come home and do a year at BCC then apply to a close by UC or CSU.