Favoring One Parent Over the Other: School-Aged Kids

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Archived Q&A and Reviews

Questions

Kids prefer one parent ALL THE TIME

Dec 2009

I hear a lot that it's normal and expected for young kids (1-6) to favor one parent over the other, and that typically this changes over time, having phases of preferring each parent when there are 2 in the house. In our family, both my kids want me most of the time, ask for me, cry for me, and at times refuse my partner. My partner is just as loving and involved as I am, and mostly is able to roll with this and understand it probably has to do with the fact that I work part time and spend more time with them. But occasionally my partner gets hurt and upset and feels like an inferior parent because of it. The preference has never shifted between us -- it's always me. I don't like it either! Do other people have this dynamic and what are your theories about why, if both parents are actually great, loving parents? Thanks for any input.

Here's what we did. On certain nights of the week, one parent would be responsible for a specific duties, like bathing and bedtime, with NO exceptions. No matter how much tears, we'd say sorry, it's Daddy's night, Mommy will do bath tomorrow night, (or the revere.)

Very quickly the preferred parent became the one not on duty. And quickly after that, because we NEVER gave in, the tears dried up too.

And for the previously neglected parent, there's nothing better than hearing your child blubbering that she has to have you. anon

6-year-old daughter doesn't want mom around

Does anyone know, can anyone explain to me the concept of an Oedipal Victor and what the dynamics are like? My husband and I have one child, a daughter, who is almost six, who has, for a long time, been a real daddy's girl. The only problem is that it has been coupled with a very strong rejection of Mommy. Mommy is asked to stay back from family outings, and to generally keep out of the play and interaction between father and daughter. I used to think our daughter just preferred more quality time with Daddy, since she gets me all the time (I'm a stay-at-home-mom). But now I suspect there is much more to it.

My husband is very solicitous of our daughter and lavishes lots of affection on her. He makes his love for her a very obvious and constant thing. His affection for me, on the other hand, is extremely rare and almost never demonstrated openly. On the contrary, my husband and I have many rifts and disagreements and, though I try to behave civilly and even warmly towards him, it is much harder for him to do the same. From him I often get a cold shoulder, he won't answer or react to me, gets annoyed when I persist, and now my daughter has taken it one step further and actually treats me like an outcast whenever we all three are together. She attacks me viciously if I try to relate myself to them if they are involved in something together, particularly if she perceives that I am trying to influence or control how they play. But she will also not let me mother her or nurture her in his presence. It feels like her rejection of me is an extension of his hostility towards me and quite frankly the situation is untenable.

When my daughter and I are alone, she is usually very cooperative, sweet and loving - which has always been her true nature. But when she gets angry with me, she flies into a rage that includes many hurtful or -attempts to be hurtful- statements, such as, everyone hates you.

Though my husband has enunciated to her that he loves us both equally (his wife and his daughter) I fear his behavior belies another truth and that is what is creating this extremely painful situation. Any input that can shed light on this matter would be very greatly appreciated.

I extend my deep compassion to you as you seem on the verge of facing some issues for which the outcomes are unknown and pose great risks for you and your family, but hopefully, great opportunities for growth. Even in this anonymous e-mail setting, it is very brave of you to take this step.

From your description, I hear you say that your relationship with your husband is being played out through your daughter. Your daughter needs you and needs to have a healthy relationship with you..because you are her mother and regardless of the relationship you have with your husband. It is time to assert yourself and require respect from your family and yourself. Go to a counsellor or a minister or rabbi; go with your husband; go by yourself if he will not go.

After my sister divorced her husband, she said, based on her experience, The most important thing a husband can do for his children is to love his wife. For her, that wasn't to be and she divorced him. Because of conservative divorce laws in another state she ended up having to move out of the house and not live with her children. She went through several years of her teenaged children rejecting her. With support and patience and unconditional love for her children, she managed to reestablish her relationships with her grown children as they passed into their early 20's. Of course, your personal circumstances and dyanamics are unique and what happens will be different. But at this point is does sound as though something needs to change. If I could bestow gifts upon you it would be courage, truth and compassion for the journey ahead.

Unless there is a lot of missing information about this situation, and even if there is, I am terribly concerned about the mom (and her family) who writes about Oedipal Victor. There seems to be a severe disconnect between what the father says to the daughter (mom is okay) and his clearly unfriendly & distancing behavior to the mother. The child is (correctly) reading his behavior (hostility) rather than what he says. Kids are hard to fool, as they lack the intellectualizations we adults use to justify things or reduce our cognitive dissonance (which see). It must be exquisitely painful for the mom to be triangled out of the romance being fostered by Dad between Dad and girl child. Whatever he wants to do with or about his wife and their issues, he has no right to visit this conflict subliminally on the daughter. It sounds very dangerous to the child's future mental health to me. Not to mention the mom and himself. He needs to get with counseling immediately, and preferably with his wife. Another thought: people tend to recreate their families of origin, because they feel comfortable with the dynamic, however dysfunctional it may be. God luck, Mom, I am really feeling your pain. At the very least, I hope you have some girlfriends you are talking to for support. I believe they will echo my thoughts on this. (If this person would like to contact me it is okay.)

I have no formal training in psychology, sociology, or child development and I know there are plenty of people on this list who do, but I feel strongly enough about this to want to add my two cents where I feel comfortable doing so.

First, your husband's behavior towards you: Regardless of what his behavior arises from, if it is behavior that either of you do not want your daughter emulating, I would talk to him about it in as unjudgemental a way as possible and simply state that children (or your daughter) emulate the behavior of their parents (you can give specific examples in your case), and you would like him not to do X [whatever X is] in front of her. Second, your daughter not wanting you on family outings: My husband and I have great respect for Rudolph Dreikurs, a well known child psychiatrist and author of Children, the Challenge, whose teachings we have successfully used with our own son. Dreikurs says that the needs of the situation must always be considered and children must not be allowed to interfere with those needs. Decide privately with your husband beforehand whether you should be included in the outing, and if yes, then he or you should state firmly that you will be going and ignore your daughter's protests. Otherwise, she will be using her behavior to get her own way, and that is a power struggle victory for her. Dreikurs has lots to say about children who always win power struggles with their parents. The bottom line is, the child ends up an unhappy child.

On the other hand, Dreikurs makes it very clear that a child builds his or her own relationship with each adult in his/her life. He doesn't believe that other adults should interfere with that relationship. That's why I believe that you and your husband have to agree on those things that really matter in private and then present a united front to your daughter. If nothing else, I suggest you get a copy of Children, the Challenge (available at Cody's) and study it thoroughly. It will probably give you a lot of insights into other issues you listed.

I am not well acquainted with the Oedipal victor (or loser), but I do recognize an unhappy family situation. In lieu of more specific advice, I'll repeat what you'll doubtless hear from others: Are you all in counseling, preferably together? I hope so. Good luck.

Unfortunately in the situation you describe there are no victors. Speaking from my own experience growing up in a similar family I feel that your daughter could suffer long term emotional/sexual problems from being put into the situation you describe. A good couples counselor might help you improve your relationship with your husband or, if he will not go to a counselor, an individual counselor can help you decide how you can best deal with the problems yourself. In the long term this should take the burden off your daughter and hopefully make for a happier family. Best wishes.

Mom is the taskmaster, dad is the popular one

Dec 2008

My 7-year old is starting to actively dislike me and it's rubbing off on my 3-year old. They jump around saying things like ''we like Daddy'' and ''we want to be with Daddy.'' Part of the problem is that I am the taskmaster in the house, and I just don't seem to know how to convey authority. My husband doesn't care if the kids take their plates to the sink or put their clothes in the hamper. He carries my son's backpack to the car in the morning because it's just easier to do it himself. When he takes my daughter to school, her hair is never brushed. So when I brush my daughter's hair, make my son carry his backpack, make them take their plates to the sink, I'm the meanie in the house. Somehow I don't have the authority to get them to take their plates to the sink with one request. It takes six. We have cleaners come in once a week, on Saturday afternoon, and I try to get the family to put toys, clothes, etc away with me before the cleaners come. My husband often refuses to help, saying that's not how he wants to spend his Saturday morning, and then the kids refuse too. Then they hang out while I clean up. My husband does the laundry, most of the dishes, drives the kids, etc -- he does a lot to keep the household going. He just doesn't want to involve the kids in household chores. My son is quite behind in math, and we have been told by his teachers that he should be doing extra math each night. Although my husband was a math prodigy who taught math to kids for many summers, he refuses to get involved. So there too it's mean mom and fun dad. My best friend says that this is just how it is -- moms are the ones who make sure the homework gets done, and dads get all the breaks because they're more fun. The difference is that her kids take their plates to the sink. So I have two problems: how do I civilize my kids with no cooperation from my husband, and how do I maintain a good relationship with my kids, when my son is already telling me that I'm too hard on him? My husband is not going to change. I think that the only way is to have better cooperation from my kids on my own. How does everyone else out there do it? tired mom

I hate to say this, but unless you and your husband get on the same page when it comes to parenting, the situation with your kids is not going to improve. For the record, I completely support your approach. In fact, my kids had age appropriate chores and responsibilities since the age of two (not that we donbMarch 2009t have our share of challenges; but it would have been a million times more difficult had me and my husband not been consistent in our parenting philosophies). I would really urge you to have a serious discussion with your partner. Good luck. anon

You need the support of your husband if you want your kids to shape up. I have a similar relationship in that I am all about the daily maintenance: teeth brushing, cleaning, homework, meals.. my husband will play hide and seek and rough house, etc. However, he is extremely supportive whenever I ask the kids to do something. I usually have to ask more than once but they always do what I ask (eventually) and if he is around, he will back me up 100%: ''You heard your mom, pick up those toys.'' I don't think it is necessary that your husband do all the chores and tasks you want to have happen but he needs to be supportive of your efforts, otherwise you are fighting a losing battle. fellow taskmaster

First and foremost, you and your husband have to get on the same page about the issues you have raised. IbMarch 2009m sure that you have heard that your kids need consistency from their parents, and it is quite apparent that they are not getting that. Without consistency, things will continue as they are and probably get worse. Dad will be the good guy and you will be the bad guy. Frankly, it is not healthy that your daughter is baching for parents who are facing exactly the kinds of dilemmas that you are. I would be delighted to speak to you at no cost to let you know what I do and how I can help you and your husband reach agreements and carry them out. If you are interested in talking to me, please send me an email and I will get back to you. Good luck! This is very tough stuff. Regardless of how you decide to deal with this, the important thing is to take action and quickly. Your kids need it and are counting on you. Michael

I can relate to being the ''taskmaster'' and I wondered a few things about your post: 1) Do you get to do fun things with the kids, too? I mean, do you feel 100% of your interaction with the kids is getting them to do stuff? Or do you make time to do fun things too? 2) If your husband does the dishes, why don't you let him be responsible for having your kids bus the dishes? If they don't, your husband would be responsible for doing busing the dishes. 3) Do you set up consequences for not doing chores around the house (e.g., if you don't clean up the toys on the floor, you don't get to play with them for a day/week)? Or do you give allowance for doing chores? I do feel kids need some external incentive for doing things (neither of my kids seem to intrinsically value a clean house). good luck! taskmaster, too

Actually I feel strongly that you need to change your husband to get him to see that doing everything for your kids is not helping them in the long run. Set aside some time to talk about it just the two of you, not in the moment of negotiating with kids! Perhaps you will need help from a couples counselor.

Right now I have a spoiled, entitled, unappreciative teen (way beyond normal teen behavior) and it is in part because we did too much for him and didn't expect enough from him (in the way of household responsibilities). My husband was expected to do way too much as a child/teen at home and in his family's business so he wanted to let our kids be kids, but it has backfired. So you and your husband need to talk about how to get your kids to be the kind of people you both are: taking responsibility for getting things done around the house. You both need to agree on what the kids' chores/responsibilities are (and revisit this each year or so). And then he needs to help you enforce the new system. Start now or regret it later!

It sounds like you are hurt. Have you told your children that it hurts your feelings when they say they prefer being with Dad?

You call yourself a taskmaster and a taskmaster isn't very fun to be around. Rules, such clearing dishes, are reasonable requests and it's not surprising you have to request this again and again. But give your children loving, polite reminders. I'm thinking it might be your tone that people are responding negatively to in your household. You might have to tell your family that you're sorry you're grumpy sometimes but there's lots to do and you can all have more fun together if everyone helps pitch in.

As for cleaning before the cleaners come, you can choose to do that or not, but you can't control what your husband does. It does sound like he does a lot for the family, and that's great.

As for the math, this is the biggest concern. Have you asked your son to ask his Dad for help? I think it will be hard for your husband to turn down his son's request for help in math. Maybe you can remove yourself from this and let them work it out. Good luck. grumpy sometimes too

Hi. I am the in the same boat at home. I think you and your husband need to get on the same page. Being a parent means training your children so that when they grow up they can function well in society. Appropriate responsibilities can start fairly young. My 6 and 8 year old help me unload the dishwasher and fold clothes. I make them clean out their lunch boxes after school every day and make their beds in the morning. I am the one who pushes the school work, piano practice, TV off, reading, etc. I really don't mind being the ''bad guy'' because I know it's to the benefit of my children in the long-run. They resent me too (the older one does). He calls me ''strict''. I have to really stay on him to make him do things himself (like pick up his own backpack that he forgot on the floor, etc.) same with my daughter. Being a parent isn't easy. It would be easier if you got your husband on board. I'm remarried and my husband is helpful but when the kids are with their dad on the weekends he is very laid back and permissive. It really bothers me because my son doesn't like coming home because I welcome him to the real world. Who cares about being popular with the kids? Parenting is serious business. These are lives that we are shaping. I grew up as the youngest of 7 children and we all had little jobs around the house (although I always felt my brothers got off easier). You're doing the right thing. Hang in there. anonymous

Wow, I know this is not what you're asking but your husband is the problem here! Seriously, he's undermining you and doing a disservice to your kids in several ways. Your somewhat deteriorating relationship with your kids is because of your husband and I don't think you can deal with the kid issue alone. He's passive-aggressive and disrespectful and I wonder how you're OK with it. You expect your children to learn a number of new habits, yet you don't expect him to back you up on things he already knows how to do? I guess I don't get it. Anon